"I have just one hour before going to the State of Harpeth, many miles from here, Madam," I made answer with a great politeness. "I thank you but I must make my regrets."

"Oh, I can find out all I want to know about you in five minutes. Just come sit down with me and be a good boy. Do you want to give me your name? I wish you really were _somebody_ that had given Willie that tea fight." And while making protestations and remonstrances I was led again into that tea room and seated at a great distance from the table which had been occupied by that Mr. William Raines and Mr.

Peter Scudder, who had now departed. "If you really were some big gun it would kill Willie dead."

"Then, Madam, permit me to present myself to you as Robert Carruthers, Marquis de Grez and Bye, from Paris on my way to visit my Uncle, General Robert Carruthers, of the State of Harpeth. I would very willingly by information or a sword kill that Mr. William Raines of Saint Louis and I regret that--that--" At the beginning of my sentence I had drawn myself up into the att.i.tude of the old Marquis of Flanders in the hall of the ruined Chateau de Grez, but when I had got to the point--of, shall I say, my own sword?--I was forced to collapse and I could feel my knees under the tea table begin to shake together and huddle for their accustomed and now missing skirts.

"That's fine and dandy," answered the nice woman as she began to write rapidly upon the blank paper. "If you'd drawn fifty swords on Willie and he had knocked you down with the b.u.t.t end of his teaspoon I'd have put Willie on the run in my write-up. Willie has handed me several little blows below the belt that I don't like. Pretends not to have met me, when Peter Scudder's own sister, whom I knew at the settlement, introduced him to me; and what he did to Mabel Wright, our cub on weddings--Oh, well, Mabel is another story. Now--that copy is ready to turn in when I pad it. I wonder if I will get a favor from the manager or be turned out of the tea room permanently for reporting a fight as aristocratic as this in the sacred halls of the Ritz-Carlton. I'd bet my shoe lacings that fifty people come here every afternoon for a week hoping it will happen again."

"I do like this America, whose movement is so rapid," I made remark as I set down my second cup of tea for the afternoon, this one emptied into my depths instead of the face of Mr. Saint Louis.

"That's good, too," returned my new-found friend with a laugh as she again wrote a word or two on the nice white paper. Then she placed her elbow upon the table, leaned her very firm cheek on her hand, and regarded me with fine and honest and sympathetic eyes. "I wonder what America is going to do to a beautiful boy like you. I'm glad that you are going to beat it to the tall timbers of the Harpeth Valley. There are women in New York who would eat you up alive. There's La Frigeda, alias Maggie Sullivan from Milwaukee, over there devouring you with her eyes at this moment, and that pretty little Stuyvesant Blaine debutante hasn't taken her eyes off of you long enough to eat her spiced ice. I know 'em both and could land something from either one if I introduced you in your t.i.tle and very beautiful clothes."

"Oh, I beg a pardon of you that I have not the time to have an introduction to your friends," I exclaimed with a very true regret, because I did like that very nice woman and would have liked much to have brought advantage to her. "In less than an hour I must 'beat' to those 'tall timbers of Harpeth' you mention."

"Speaking of the State of Harpeth, I don't know as you'll be so safe after all, young friend, if that is any sample of the variety of women that flower in that cla.s.sic land of the cotton and the magnolia which I met at Mrs. Creed Payne's war baby tea the other afternoon," mused my fine friend as I paid the _garcon_ for the very good tea. "She is in high-up political circles down there in Old Harpeth and from the bunch of women she was with I make a guess she is taking an interest in war contracts. She was with that Mrs. Benton, who pulled off that spectacular deal for desiccated soups for Greece the other day. My stomach is too delicate to feed soldiers dried dog and rotten cabbage melted down into glue in a can, but they may like the idea if not the soup. Anyway, the woman was a beauty, so don't you let her get you."

"I do not entirely understand you, my dear Madam, and I wish that I might have many days to talk with you about these American customs," I said as I put into my pocket the exchange money handed to me by the _garcon_.

"Well, it is not exactly an American custom I have been putting you next to, and I guess I'm patriotically glad that you don't entirely understand. Now, I'm going to put you on the train for Old Harpeth and kiss you good-bye for your mother. I'm not trusting Frigeda, and she's lingering. Come on if your train leaves at six o'clock."

And while she spoke, my interesting and fine woman rose and allowed me to a.s.sist her into her gray coat of tweed that was very like to mine.

It was with regret that I parted from that lady at the door of the taxicab that had been called for her, and I bent over and kissed her hand, the first woman that Mr. Robert Carruthers had ever so saluted.

"Good-bye, boy! Remember, the tall timbers of Harpeth are best. Run right down and get a Southern belle and beauty to settle down and have a dozen babies for you, just like 'befo' the war.' Good-bye! I'll send you down a paper to-morrow. I don't suppose the New York journals ever penetrate the Harpeth Valley. Good-bye again." And then my friend was gone, leaving me once more alone in New York and very shy of those tweed trousers, which I immediately put with me into another taxicab which was directed to the Pennsylvania Station.

At that Pennsylvania Station I remembered to send to my wicked Uncle an announcement by telegram of my arrival to him and then I got upon the train just in time for its departure.

I have remarked that life is like high waves of fate that break in sparkling white crests over buried mines, and I am now led to believe that many of those mines are but the habitation of mermaids of much mischief. Are all ripples on life due to women at the bottom of the matter? I do not know, but it would seem true from the things that immediately began to befall me. And was it not I, a woman who was called daredevil, who began it all?

These Pullman cars of America in which to travel great distances, are very remarkable for their many strange adventures, and I was very much interested but also perturbed when the black _garcon_ placed my bag and overcoat upon the floor at the feet of a very prim lady and left me to stand uncomfortably in the aisle before her.

"Your seat, sir, upper five," he said, and departed with my fifty centimes, which is called a dime in America.

In the little division which I could see was marked five were two nice seats that were to each other face to face, but it appeared that neither of them was vacant for Mr. Robert Carruthers. On one the lady sat with very stiff black silk skirts projecting from her sides, as did her thin elbows also in the stiffness of white linen. Beside her, occupying the rest of her seat, was a hat with large black bows of equal stiffness with the rest of the lady's apparel and disposition not to be friendly. On the seat opposite, which from the nature of my ticket and the case I should have supposed belonged to me, were piled two large bundles, a shiny black bag, a black silk coat, also stiff like the lady, an umbrella, two magazines and a basket of fruit. No place was apparent for me or my bags or my overcoat. It seemed as if it would be best for me to stand in the middle of the car all the way to the State of Harpeth so that the lady's stiffness be not disarranged. I did not know what I should do, and my knees began again to feel weak in that gray tweed and to be cold for their accustomed skirts, but the lady looked out of the window and said not a single word. I did not have any convenient cup of tea in my hand to throw in that lady's face in a manner that would not be permitted a gentleman, but if I had had the very lovely lorgnette that has descended to me from my Great Grandmamma, the wife of the old Flanders grandsire, I would have settled the matter with very little trouble in an entirely ladylike manner. As it was, I did not know what to do but stand and then stand longer. Just at the moment when I began to feel that I would either be forced to forget that I was a gentleman or to faint as a lady, a very nice man touched me on the elbow and said:

"Just drop your bag on her feet and come into the smoker. She's got your game beat," and he pa.s.sed on down the aisle of that car. I acted upon that very kind advice and I am glad that from the weight of the bag I got at least a small action from the stiff lady if only a groan and a glare. Also I should have been grateful that she had so discourteously treated me so that I was fortunate to receive the attention of Mr. George Slade of Detroit as my first experience in American manhood.

That Mr. Slade of Detroit is a man of remarkable adventures, and he related to me many of them as he sat with me in the place reserved for the smoking of gentlemen. They were all about ladies who resided in the different towns to which he traveled in the pursuit of selling cigars, and he called them all by the name of "skirts."

"I tell you, Mr. Dago, there is a skirt in Louisville, Kentucky, that is such a peach that you'd call for the cream jug on sight. It would pay you to stop off and see her. She's on the level all right, but any friend that took a line from me would be nuts to her. See?" And he bestowed upon me a pleasant wink from his eye. To that I made no response. I could make none.

"Now, Mr. Robert Carruthers," I had said to myself at the beginning of the first story of "skirts," "you will find yourself obliged to be in the presence of men as one of their kind and not throw scalding tea in their faces when they speak of ladies. You are of a great ignorance about the brute that is known as man and you must learn to know him as you do the wild hog in hunting." But even for the sake of a larger education I could not remain, and I fled from that Mr. Slade of Detroit in one half hour back to the arms of the stiff lady. But when I arrived there I found she had had me removed from her as far as possible to the other end of the car, where I found my bags deposited beside one marked "G. Slade, Detroit."

"Took the liberty of transferring you here above the other gentleman, sir. The lady is nervous," said the conductor of the car as he handed me another ticket.

"Right, old top," said that Mr. G. Slade as he stood beside us, having followed. "If you don't enjoy sleeping rock-a-bye-baby we can put our togs up and you can bunk in with me. I'm not nervous." And with a glance at the very stiff black silk back in the front of the car he made a laugh that I could not prevent myself from sharing. It is then that the delicacy of a woman is so easily corrupted?

"I beg your pardon, conductor, but upper nine is engaged for my son who is to get on at Philadelphia. I must have him just opposite my daughter and me. We are nervous." And as the large and pathetic lady across the aisle from number nine spoke in a most timid voice, that Mr. G. Slade gave one glance at the daughter of whom she spoke, who also must have weighed a great many litre, or what you call in America, pounds, and fled back to the smoking apartment.

It was a very funny sight to behold that small conductor stand with my large bags and overcoat and look around at that car full of ladies for a place in which to deposit me and them, which was not previously occupied by some female of great nervousness.

"Madam, I will have to use the upper of this section," he finally turned and said to the occupant of the number of seven with a very fine determination.

"Certainly, conductor; let me remove my hat and coat," came back the answer in a voice of very great sweetness as the conductor deposited me and my bags down in front of the most beautiful lady in all America, I am sure.

"Thank you for much graciousness, Madam," I said, keeping those gray tweed knees straight out in front of me and very still to prevent trembling.

"Not at all, sir; I only bought the lower half of this section. I am not at all _nervous_," and I could see her mouth that was curled like the petals of an opening rose tremble from a mischief as she regarded the stiff black silk back in the front of the car and the two huge females on our right whose son and brother was to arrive in Philadelphia for their protection.

An equally gay mischief rose in my eyes and responded to that in hers as I responded also by word:

"For which also let us be in grat.i.tude."

Many times in the months that followed have I thought of the lure of the laughing mischief in those eyes that were like beautiful blue flowers set in crystal, and how they were to lead me on into the strange land of men in search of those forbidden fruits. They were the first to offer me affection, excepting perhaps my fine reporter woman with the paper and pencil.

And from that moment on I did very much enjoy myself in conversation with that Madam Mischief, while we together did watch the retirement of all of the persons in the train. She had many funny remarks to make and made me merry with them so that the hour of eleven o'clock had arrived before we had summoned the very black male chamber-maid to turn our seats into beds. All others were in sleep that was a confusion of sound from everywhere and we must stand in the aisle while the beds were being abstracted.

"Shall I take your bag into the dressing room, sah?" said the black male chamber-maid as if to intimate that I should leave the aisle free for his operations.

"Many thanks, yes," I answered him. "Good night, Madam, and to you again much grat.i.tude for the happiness of an evening," and with all sincerity I directed Mr. Robert Carruthers to bend over her very white hand and kiss it with much fervor that was resulted from the loneliness of the poor Marquise of Grez and Bye, who was but a girl in a strange and large land, although habited in trousers and coat.

"You are a dear boy," she made answer to me with an equal affection as she disappeared into the curtains of her small room. Then I departed to that room reserved for the disrobing of gentlemen. It was without occupation and I opened my large bag and procured the very beautiful silk night robing that the kind man had sold to me that afternoon. It was in two pieces that very much resembled the costume in which gentlemen play tennis, only more ornamented by silk embroidery and braid and b.u.t.tons. I was regarding them with joy when into the small room came that Mr. G. Slade of Detroit. He was appareled in garments of the same cut only of a very wide red stripe, his hair was very much in confusion and he had a bottle in his hand in which was a liquid the color of cognac.

"I've only been awake for two hours listening to that peach of a skirt trying to make you fuss her a bit, and I thought I would bring you a nip to pick you up after your fight. Gee, it is as I suspected. You are off on a wedding tango and that makes you cold to all wiles! My son, for a wedding garment that thing you have in your hand is a winner. I can't sleep in silk myself because it makes me feel like a wet dog, but you'll be so beautiful in them that the bride will be jealous of you and say that even if you are so pretty now you will fade early or that you buy your complexion at the corner emporium. Go on, put 'em on, or was you just looking at 'em for pleasure and going to save 'em by sleeping 'as is'? Me, I always undress to the skin, but some don't."

"I--I was just looking at them with pleasure," I made haste to answer that Mr. G. Slade of Detroit. "When upon travels I always fear to disrobe myself. I think that I will now retire," and with a haste that made my hands tremble I replaced the sleeping garments in the large bag and prepared to flee down the aisle to the sleeping apartment in which was the protection of another woman's presence.

"Not even a nip before you go?" he asked me as he held the large bottle to his lips and threw back his head for a gurgling down his throat.

"No, with much grat.i.tude, and good night," I answered as I rapidly departed with my cheeks in a flame of scarlet and a fear in my heart.

In my flight I pa.s.sed by that number of seven and came very near opening the curtains of the number of five and precipitating myself upon the bayonets of black taffeta that stood firm from a hat so placed as to bar my intrusion. From that accident I turned and sought the kind black male chamber-maid with a request that he show me how to insert myself into the right place for sleeping.

"Right here, Boss. Climb up on these little steps and then hand me down your shoes. Soft now; I think the lady am asleep."

"Good night, and I'm not nervous," I heard a laugh of mischief come from behind a second and short green curtain, that veils the lower of the sleeping shelves, just as I fell onto my shelf above and lay with a panting of relief.

CHAPTER IV

THE IMPOSSIBLE UNCLE ROBERT

"Robert," I made remark to myself after I had with difficulty removed the tweed coat and the tweed trousers and neatly folded them against ugly wrinkles of to-morrow, "you must become a sport and not climb down there and tell that other woman the truth of your lady's estate and ask her to comfort you with affection. You were born a daredevil and you must remember those two Indians and a bear that the Grandmamma Madam Donaldson murdered for safety for herself and her children. That Mr. G. Slade is just one bear and he's not as dangerous to you as if you wore 'skirts' anyway. And, also, if you are brave and propitiate the wicked Uncle, in just a few months you can travel to where the lovely lady with the blue flower eyes resides, of whom in the morning you must get the address of home, and can then make confession to her and know the joy of having her sisterly embraces that seem of so much sweetness to you now.

"But suppose it is that she arises in the night and leaves the train for her home!" I said to myself as I suddenly sat up in the dark and precipitated my head against the roof of the sleeping shelf.