Chapter 17.

1972.

The next day, when I went back to work, I let Mrs. and Mrs. Meloncon know my decision to leave for beauty school earlier than I'd planned.

"I don't want to leave you in the lurch, though, so how about if I work for a couple more months to give you time to replace me," I said.

"Calla," they said, giving me a hug, "there's no replacing you. But we will have to find someone else to serve our food! You're a part of the family now, and you'll have a hard time shaking us."

Once I gave notice at my job, I knew there would be no turning back on making the big leap out of La Luna. But I was feeling nervous about it all. It made me wish Sukey was living closer, because she wouldn't be so afraid. She'd just pack her bags and go.

January 3, 1972

La Luna, Louisiana

Dear Sukey, I know you are busy as a bee doing the work of the devil down there in Sin City, but I need you here. It is finally clear to me that you were right. Tuck, who was my angel boy, is a little shit.

I am so angry with him I could hire some of those scary boys from deep in Nabedaux Parish to drive out to California and make him sorry he ever lived! I would have phoned you, but I am saving my money for my big move. So would you please get back home right away because I need you?

Love and xoxo,

Calla

So Sukey got the weekend off and came for a visit. Saturday night, Eddie was out to play bourree, leaving Renee free, so I gathered with my girlfriends to try and help me get Tuck out of my heart. Renee showed up with soft new T-shirts and panties for the three of us.

"It seems every time we get together, we end up in our T-shirts and panties. So I decided to give us new ones."

"Ooh, goody!" Sukey said. "I love uniforms."

It was a T-shirt Louisiana early January. In the eighties, and humid as all get-out. "He didn't even bother to send a damn Christmas card," I said. They knew who I was referring to.

"Well, you did send him a letter telling him you would never speak to him again. You're just not over it, are you?" Sukey asked.

Renee looked at me, then at Sukey, and said, "I have an idea! We'll just 'wash that man right out of your hair!'"

And so the three of us headed to the outdoor shower behind our house, in the middle of the thick trees where nobody could see. We all took off all our clothes. I had never in my life known Renee to be so open about her body. She always had been so modest, but with the pregnancy, that had changed.

"Wow!" said Sukey, "You are some kind of pregnant! And your boobs!"

Renee looked down at her big belly, and smiled. "Yep," she said.

They then took turns trying to wash my hair. I said, "Please stop, y'all. I don't like other people washing my hair! I'll wash it myself!"

And so I scrubbed and scrubbed, and all the while we were singing at the top of our lungs, "I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair!"

It was a good thing we had the house to ourselves. Papa was off at the fishing camp, Will was playing music in South Louisiana, and Sonny was at the movies with Melise. The showers kind of got us worked up, so we came inside, dried off, put on our new T-shirts and panties, and poured ourselves some Cokes.

"Hey, y'all, I've got an idea!" Sukey said. "Let's get out the yearbook, and start tearing his pictures out!"

"That's great!" I said, "y'all come on up to my bedroom." We all piled up on the big old four-poster bed that had been in my father's family for decades. I grabbed my copy of the yearbook from the bookshelf.

"Okay!" I said.

"Here," I said to Renee, "Open this sack from the grocery, sweetie." I handed her a huge sack filled with M&Ms.

"Great girlfriends-grill-the-son-of-a-bitch food!" Sukey said.

Renee started ripping the bags open to pour the candy into a bowl. "Rip! Oh, I like that sound," Sukey said. "That is a very good sound for the business at hand."

"Y'all wait a minute now," I said. "I don't want to destroy the whole yearbook. Let's just rip out his football picture, and sit here and eat M&Ms."

After we finished downing several hundred M&Ms, I leaned back and said, "Y'all, this has been fun. Well, more than fun, but I'm kind of tired."

Renee said, "I am too. This is the latest I've been up since I got pregnant."

"I'll only go," Sukey said, "if you'll lift up your T-shirt and let me feel your belly."

"Sure," Renee said, and lifted her shirt.

Sukey put her hand on Renee's big belly.

"Me too?" I said, looking at Renee.

"Yep."

And so Sukey and I both pressed our hands and felt a little baby kicking.

"Wow!" Sukey said.

"Yeah, wow!" said Renee.

"Wow," I said, then turned my head away so they could not see that I was crying.

After they were gone I reached up on the shelf in my closet, in the back where I had stored the tux shirt that Tuck had given me that early morning on the pier.

I went down the stairs and out the back door. I walked out to the fire pit, an open area that lay far from the heavily treed area on our property, and put kindling under a couple of thin logs. On top of that I laid the white tuxedo shirt. With it I laid the part of my heart that had been wounded by Tucker LeBlanc. Wounds can be healed, I thought, but I doubted if this one would. Then I let it all go as I watched the flames turn the shirt into cinders that rose up into the January night sky.

The next morning, I woke up and went to M'Dear's desk, which Papa had offered to move into my room. I sat down with a hot cup of coffee and, no longer needing to write to Tuck, decided to send M'Dear a little message.

Dear M'Dear, I know that you have probably been wanting to kick me out of town by now. Well, that Savings Bond helps.

I have decided: 1. To live my life without waiting for the postman or the phone to ring.

2. To pack up and get out of La Luna and get myself a career.

Love,

Your Calla Lily

As I was saving my last dollars and planning my move, Renee's due date was getting closer. I started spending a lot more of my free time with Renee. Each time I saw her I'd think, Well, her belly can't get any bigger that this. But it would!

Then, at 5:30 in the morning on February 16, 1972, a sweet little gift arrived in La Luna. Calla Rose Gremillion was born! I went over to Eddie and Renee's house the night after they got home from the hospital. I couldn't help but notice how Eddie looked at Renee and Calla Rose, who lay in her lap. The love in the eyes of this muscular man, now a police officer, touched me to see.

"I love my baby," he said.

"Our baby," Renee corrected.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," he said, and kissed Renee on the mouth. "I keep forgetting."

"Right, baby," Renee said. "Now, go on to bed."

"Yes, ma'am," he smiled. "Good night, little mama. Good night, little baby. Good night, Calla Lily. Good to see you again." Then he headed toward their bedroom.

Renee and I sat and whispered as Calla Rose slept. One moment the baby was completely silent, then the next thing I knew, she was wailing and squealing.

"Right on time," Renee said, smiling as she unbuttoned her soft white cotton nightgown that Aunt Helen had made for her. She opened one side of the yoke, unhooked her nursing bra, and plopped out her full, swollen breast. My goddaughter knew exactly what to do. I heard gurgling, sucking sounds as her tiny fingers found their way around her mother.

"How many times a day do you need to do that?" I asked.

"Oh, about a million."

I watched in silence and marveled that my girlfriend carried within her all the nutrients that my goddaughter needed to survive.

Awe. That's the word, that's what I feel. That, and a tangle of other emotions. After Renee finished feeding and Calla Rose had given a very unladylike burp, Renee held her in her arms and looked at me.

"Want to hold her?" she asked.

At first I was afraid, afraid of the longing in me that might rush forth.

"Yes, I'd love to." I sat close to Renee on the sofa as she handed Calla Rose to me. The longing did rush forth. But the beauty of the creature in my arms pulled me back to the present moment. I lightly touched the little tufts of hair on her head, which reminded me of M'Dear's hair after radiation began to take its toll. Oh, M'Dear. You would be so happy to see this!

As I held the baby, I felt the weight of her head in my hands. How vulnerable the skull of this little one, so newly arrived from the heavens that the baby powder on her body might as well be the dusting of angels.

"I'm so happy," I said, biting back the tears. "Here," I said, carefully handing Calla Rose back to her mother. "I'm just so happy for y'all. This is just how you wanted it. To have a house and a baby, and you did it, not even a year after you graduated!"

"What's wrong, Calla?"

I couldn't answer her.

"Come on, Calla. What's wrong?"

"Oh, it's just that I've hardly done anything."

"That's simply not true. You have enough money for beauty school now. And you've been accepted to L'Academie de Beaute de Crescent. Your mama's old friend has offered you a place to stay until you find an apartment. You'll be in a big city and meet tons more people than I'll ever meet in my life."

"Yes, but will I have friends?"

"Of course you'll have friends." And she put her hand on top of mine.

"It's just...I miss M'Dear. Just when I thought I was really over her death, Tuck has left me. What is it? Why do people leave me? Do I make them leave?" Then I was crying.

"You know that's not true. And Tuck is not everybody," she said. "You've made your decision to go, Calla. Everything's lined up. It's time to finally do it."

"Well, I don't feel excited," I said, forcing myself to lower my voice. "They all leave."

So there was my oldest girlfriend, Renee, holding my infant goddaughter in her arms. And there I was, crying on her shoulder. As I wept, I thought about how many kinds of love the heart can hold: mother and child, child and mother, girlfriend to girlfriend.

I gazed down at Calla Rose for a very long time. I let my tears fall, though not on her. Finally I breathed in and let it circle around my body until it blew out of the blowhole at the top of my head. I will not be a godmother who hides because of a broken heart. I will be a godmother who holds her broken heart in her hands and walks with it without shame. Just holding that broken heart to the next place the river takes her. I will hold my broken heart for you, Calla Rose. For you, the beautiful blue-eyed wonder in front of me.

CONGRATULATIONS, CALLA, the banner read. When I came over to help clean up Our Lady of the River's parish hall, I had no idea that I'd be walking into a surprise party-for me! I was leaving for New Orleans in just a few days.

Everybody was there, including all my friends from Meloncon's Cafe. Papa was playing the trumpet with his little combo, and as soon as I came through the door they started playing "For She's a Jolly Good Fellow ." Sukey had come up from New Orleans, and she gave me a big hug. She looked tired, her eyes a little blurry. Nelle blew me a kiss from across the room. Miz Lizbeth was there, and apologized that Uncle Tucker couldn't be there because of a cold. My brothers were singing at the top of their lungs. Melise was there with Sonny Boy, and Will brought a friend of his from Ville Platte who makes fiddles. And I was so happy to see Cleveland and Bertha standing next to Olivia.

"Oh, Olivia!" I said walking over to them, "I'm going to miss you so much."

Both Olivia and Miz Lizbeth had become just like mothers to me ever since M'Dear's death. And just then, I could feel M'Dear's presence at the party. Papa hugged me during one of the music breaks, and I whispered, "She's here, isn't she?"