BUN. I will do so at once. However popular it may be with the world at large, your personal appearance is highly objectionable to me.

GROS. It is? [shaking his hand] Oh, thank you! thank you! How can I express my grat.i.tude?

BUN. By making a complete change at once. Your conversation must henceforth be perfectly matter-of-fact. You must cut your hair, and have a back parting. In appearance and costume you must be absolutely commonplace.

GROS. [decidedly] No. Pardon me, that's impossible.

BUN. Take care! When I am thwarted I am very terrible.

GROS. I can't help that. I am a man with a mission. And that mission must be fulfilled.

BUN. I don't think you quite appreciate the consequences of thwarting me.

GROS. I don't care what they are.

BUN. Suppose -- I won't go so far as to say that I will do it -- but suppose for one moment I were to curse you? [GROSVENOR quails.] Ah! Very well. Take care.

GROS. But surely you would never do that? [In great alarm]

BUN. I don't know. It would be an extreme measure, no doubt.

Still--

GROS. [wildly] But you would not do it -- I am sure you would not. [Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE's knees, and clinging to him]

Oh, reflect, reflect! You had a mother once.

BUN. Never!

GROS. Then you had an aunt! [BUNTHORNE affected.] Ah! I see you had! By the memory of that aunt, I implore you to pause ere you resort to this last fearful expedient. Oh, Mr. Bunthorne, reflect, reflect! [Weeping]

BUN. [aside, after a struggle with himself] I must not allow myself to be unmanned! [aloud] It is useless. Consent at once, or may a nephew's curse--

GROS. Hold! Are you absolutely resolved?

BUN. Absolutely.

GROS. Will nothing shake you?

BUN. Nothing. I am adamant.

GROS. Very good. [rising] Then I yield.

BUN. Ha! You swear it?

GROS. I do, cheerfully. I have long wished for a reasonable pretext for such a change as you suggest. It has come at last.

I do it on compulsion!

BUN. Victory! I triumph!

No. 18. When I go out of door (Duet) Bunthorne and Grosvenor

[Each one dances around the stage while the other is singing his solo verses.]

BUNTHORNE When I go out of door, Of damozels a score (All sighing and burning, And clinging and yearning) Will follow me as before.

I shall, with cultured taste, Distinguish gems from paste, And "High diddle diddle"

Will rank as an idyll, If I p.r.o.nounce it chaste!

BOTH A most intense young man, A soulful-eyed young man, An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, Out-of-the-way young man!

GROSVENOR Conceive me, if you can, An ev'ryday young man: A commonplace type, With a stick and a pipe, And a half-bred black-and-tan; Who thinks suburban "hops"

More fun than "Monday Pops,"-- Who's fond of his dinner, And doesn't get thinner On bottled beer and chops.

BOTH A commonplace young man, A matter-of-fact young man-- A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday, Every-day young man!

BUNTHORNE A j.a.panese young man-- A blue-and-white young man-- Francesca di Rimini, miminy, piminy, Je-ne-sais-quoi young man!

GROSVENOR A Chancery lane young man-- A Somerset House young man,-- A very delectable, highly respectable Three-penny-bus young man!

BUNTHORNE A pallid and thin young man-- A haggard and lank young man, A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery, Foot-in-the-grave young man!

GROSVENOR A Sewell and Cross young man, A Howell & James young man, A pushing young particle -- "What's the next article?"-- Waterloo House young man!

BUNTHORNE GROSVENOR

Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can, A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man, An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical, arithmetical, Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man!

Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can, A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man, An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical, arithmetical, Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man!

[GROSVENOR dances off, L.U.E. ]

BUN. It is all right! I have committed my last act of ill- nature, and henceforth I'm a changed character.

[Dances about stage, humming refrain of last air. Enter PATIENCE, L. She gazes in astonishment at him.]

PATIENCE Reginald! Dancing! And -- what in the world is the matter with you?

BUN. Patience, I'm a changed man. Hitherto I've been gloomy, moody, fitful -- uncertain in temper and selfish in disposition--

PATIENCE You have, indeed! [sighing]

BUN. All that is changed. I have reformed. I have modelled myself upon Mr. Grosvenor. Henceforth I am mildly cheerful. My conversation will blend amus.e.m.e.nt with instruction. I shall still be aesthetic; but my aestheticism will be of the most pastoral kind.

PATIENCE Oh, Reginald! Is all this true?

BUN. Quite true. Observe how amiable I am. [a.s.suming a fixed smile]

PATIENCE But, Reginald, how long will this last?