CHORUS

How fair! how modest! how discreet!

How bashfully demure!

See how they blush, as they've been taught, At this publicity unsought!

How English and how pure!

DUET -- Nekaya and Kalyba.

Both: Although of native maids the cream, We're brought up on the English scheme-- The best of all For great and small Who modesty adore.

Nek: For English girls are good as gold, Extremely modest (so we're told) Demurely coy--divinely cold-- And that we are--and more.

Kal: To please papa, who argues thus-- All girls should mould themselves on us Because we are By furlongs far The best of the bunch, We show ourselves to loud applause From ten to four without a pause--

Nek: Which is an awkward time because It cuts into our lunch.

Both: Oh maids of high and low degree, Whose social code is rather free, Please look at us and you will see What good young ladies ought to be!

Nek: And as we stand, like clockwork toys, A lecturer whom papa employs Proceeds to prussia Our modest ways And guileless character--

Kal: Our well-known blush--our downcast eyes-- Our famous look of mild surprise.

Nek: (Which compet.i.tion still defies)-- Our celebrated "Sir!!!"

Kal: Then all the crowd take down our looks In pocket memorandum books.

To diagnose Our modest pose The Kodaks do their best:

Nek: If evidence you would possess Of what is maiden bashfulness You need only a b.u.t.ton press--

Kal: And we will do the rest.

Enter Lady Sophy -- an English lady of mature years and extreme gravity of demeanour and dress. She carries a lecturer's wand in her hand. She is led on by the King, who expresses great regard and admiration for her.

RECITATIVE -- Lady Sophy

This morning we propose to ill.u.s.trate A course of maiden courtship, from the start To the triumphant matrimonial finish.

(Through the following song the two Princesses ill.u.s.trate in gesture the description given by Lady Sophy.)

SONG -- Lady Sophy

Bold-faced ranger (Perfect stranger) Meets two well-behaved young ladies.

He's attractive, Young and active-- Each a little bit afraid is.

Youth advances, At his glances To their danger they awaken; They repel him As they tell him He is very much mistaken.

Though they speak to him politely, Please observe they're sneering slightly, Just to show he's acting vainly.

This is Virtue saying plainly "Go away, young bachelor, We are not what you take us for!"

When addressed impertinently, English ladies answer gently, "Go away, young bachelor, We are not what you take us for!"

As he gazes, Hat he raises, Enters into conversation.

Makes excuses-- This produces Interesting agitation.

He, with daring, Undespairing, Give his card--his rank discloses Little heeding This proceeding, They turn up their little noses.

Pray observe this lesson vital-- When a man of rank and t.i.tle His position first discloses, Always c.o.c.k your little noses.

When at home, let all the cla.s.s Try this in the looking gla.s.s.

English girls of well bred notions, Shun all unrehea.r.s.ed emotions.

English girls of highest cla.s.s Practice them before the gla.s.s.

His intentions Then he mentions.

Something definite to go on-- Makes recitals Of his t.i.tles, Hints at settlements, and so on.

Smiling sweetly, They, discreetly, Ask for further evidences: Thus invited, He, delighted, Gives the usual references: This is business. Each is fluttered When the offer's fairly uttered.

"Which of them has his affection?"

He declines to make selection.

Do they quarrel for his dross?

Not a bit of it--they toss!

Please observe this cogent moral-- English ladies never quarrel.

When a doubt they come across, English ladies always toss.

RECITATIVE -- Lady Sophy

The lecture's ended. In ten minute's s.p.a.ce 'Twill be repeated in the market-place!

(Exit Lady Sophy, followed by Nekaya and Kalyba.)

Chorus: Quaff the nectar--cull the roses-- Bashful girls will soon be plenty!

Maid who thus at fifteen poses Ought to be divine at twenty!

(Exeunt all but KING.)

King: I requested Scaphio and Phantis to be so good as to favor me with an audience this morning. (Enter SCAPHIO and PHANTIS.) Oh, here they are!

Scaphio: Your Majesty wished to speak with us, I believe.

You--you needn't keep your crown on, on our account, you know.

King: I beg your pardon. (Removes it.) I always forget that!

Odd, the notion of a King not being allowed to wear one of his own crowns in the presence of two of his own subjects.

Phantis: Yes--bizarre, is it not?

King: Most quaint. But then it's a quaint world.

Phantis: Teems with quiet fun. I often think what a lucky thing it is that you are blessed with such a keen sense of humor!

King: Do you know, I find it invaluable. Do what I will, I cannot help looking at the humorous side of things--for, properly considered, everything has its humorous side--even the Palace Peeper (producing it). See here--"Another Royal Scandal," by Junius Junior. "How long is this to last?"

by Senex Senior. "Ribald Royalty," by Mercury Major.

"Where is the Public Exploder?" by Mephistopheles Minor. When I reflect that all these outrageous attacks on my morality are written by me, at your command--well, it's one of the funni- est things that have come within the scope of my experience.

Scaphio: Besides, apart from that, they have a quiet humor of their own which is simply irresistible.