ALL. Who are you?

DEFENDANT. I'm the Defendant.

CHORUS OF JURYMEN (shaking their fists)

Monster, dread our damages.

We're the jury!

Dread our fury!

DEFENDANT Hear me, hear me, if you please, These are very strange proceedings-- For permit me to remark On the merits of my pleadings, You're at present in the dark.

[Defendant beckons to Jurymen--they leave the box and gather around him as they sing the following:

That's a very true remark-- On the merits of his pleadings We're at present in the dark!

Ha! ha!--ha! ha!

SONG -- DEFENDANT

When first my old, old love I knew, My bosom welled with joy; My riches at her feet I threw-- I was a love-sick boy!

No terms seemed too extravagant Upon her to employ-- I used to mope, and sigh, and pant, Just like a love-sick boy!

Tink-a-tank! Tink-a-tank!

But joy incessant palls the sense; And love, unchanged, will cloy, And she became a bore intense Unto her love-sick boy!

With fitful glimmer burnt my flame, And I grew cold and coy, At last, one morning, I became Another's love-sick boy.

Tink-a-tank! Tink-a-tank!

CHORUS OF JURYMEN (advancing stealthily)

Oh, I was like that when a lad!

A shocking young scamp of a rover, I behaved like a regular cad; But that sort of thing is all over.

I'm now a respectable chap And shine with a virtue resplendent And, therefore, I haven't a sc.r.a.p Of sympathy with the defendant!

He shall treat us with awe, If there isn't a flaw, Singing so merrily--Trial-la-law!

Trial-la-law! Trial-la-law!

Singing so merrily--Trial-la-law!

[They enter the Jury-box.

RECIT--USHER (on Bench)

Silence in Court, and all attention lend.

Behold your Judge! In due submission bend!

Enter Judge on Bench

CHORUS

All hail, great Judge!

To your bright rays We never grudge Ecstatic praise.

All hail!

May each decree As statute rank And never be Reversed in banc.

All hail!

RECIT--JUDGE

For these kind words, accept my thanks, I pray.

A Breach of Promise we've to try to-day.

But firstly, if the time you'll not begrudge, I'll tell you how I came to be a Judge.

ALL. He'll tell us how he came to be a Judge!

JUDGE. I'll tell you how...

ALL. He'll tell us how...

JUDGE. I'll tell you how...

ALL. He'll tell us how...

JUDGE Let me speak...!

ALL. Let him speak!

JUDGE. Let me speak!

ALL. (in a whisper). Let him speak!

He'll tell us how he came to be a Judge!

USHER. Silence in Court! Silence in Court!

SONG--JUDGE

When I, good friends, was called to the bar, I'd an appet.i.te fresh and hearty.

But I was, as many young barristers are, An impecunious party.

I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue-- And a brief which I bought of a b.o.o.by-- A couple of shirts, and a collar or two, And a ring that looked like a ruby!

CHORUS. A couple of shirts, etc.

JUDGE. At Westminster Hall I danced a dance, Like a semi-despondent fury; For I thought I never should hit on a chance Of addressing a British Jury-- But I soon got tired of third-cla.s.s journeys, And dinners of bread and water; So I fell in love with a rich attorney's Elderly, ugly daughter.

CHORUS. So he fell in love, etc.

JUDGE. The rich attorney, he jumped with joy, And replied to my fond professions: "You shall reap the reward of your pluck, my boy, At the Bailey and Middles.e.x sessions.

You'll soon get used to her looks," said he, "And a very nice girl you will find her!

She may very well pa.s.s for forty-three In the dusk, with a light behind her!"

CHORUS. She may very well, etc.

JUDGE. The rich attorney was good as his word; The briefs came trooping gaily, And every day my voice was heard At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.

All thieves who could my fees afford Relied on my orations.

And many a burglar I've restored To his friends and his relations.

CHORUS. And many a burglar, etc.

JUDGE. At length I became as rich as the Gurneys-- An incubus then I thought her, So I threw over that rich attorney's Elderly, ugly daughter.

The rich attorney my character high Tried vainly to disparage--- And now, if you please, I'm ready to try This Breach of Promise of Marriage!