THE CLOTHES HAVE NO EMPEROR.

PAUL SLANSKY.

INTRODUCTION.

"What kind of governor would you be?"

"I don't know. I've never played a governor."

--Ronald Reagan answering a reporter's query during his 1966 campaign for the California statehouse

Spoiler alert! I was not a Reagan fan.

When I was a kid, Ronald Reagan meant nothing to me. My parents watched The Dinah Sh.o.r.e Chevy Hour The Dinah Sh.o.r.e Chevy Hour on Sundays at 9pm so I never saw him hosting and shilling on on Sundays at 9pm so I never saw him hosting and shilling on G.E. Theater G.E. Theater, nor did I ever see any of his movies (not even his chimp epic Bedtime for Bonzo Bedtime for Bonzo). Growing up in New York, Reagan's governorship of California wasn't something I was particularly conscious of, though whatever I did see or hear of him made me pretty sure he wasn't my guy. (In the late '60s, that pomaded pompadour really said it all.) Besides, Richard M. Nixon whose dark essence I'd been fascinated by since having been unnerved by his countenance during that first debate with JFK was running for President, and then he was was President, and keeping tabs on him took up pretty much all the time I could afford to devote to politics. President, and keeping tabs on him took up pretty much all the time I could afford to devote to politics.

Reagan didn't really break through for me until 1970, when I was in college. Having taken office with a clear animus toward the youth movement, he was asked a question about campus protesters and responded with the witless movie-tough-guy remark, "If it takes a bloodbath, let's get it over with. No more appeas.e.m.e.nt." What, I thought, an a.s.shole a.s.shole. (The next month, the bloodbath occurred at Kent State in Ohio.) Four years later he was back on my radar screen. Those were the days when, if you can even imagine it, the crazed radicals were on the left, and their anti-establishment protests occasionally took illegal forms. One such blow against the empire was the kidnapping of newspaper heiress and UC Berkeley student Patty Hearst by a motley crew of idealists and criminals calling itself the Symbionese Liberation Army. Among their ransom demands was the delivery of millions of dollars worth of food to the poor. Shining a klieg light on his moral obtuseness, Governor Reagan observed, "It's just too bad we can't have an epidemic of botulism."

That was it for me. Anyone who could say something so stupid so not just politically but humanly incorrect was unredeemable to me, inconceivable as a political leader worthy of any respect. Idiotically, I a.s.sumed that someone like that could never win the presidency an a.s.sumption I held right up until a little past 8pm on Election Night 1980.

The Reagan years were not fun for those of us who noticed that the nation's history was being fictionalized as it occurred. A depressingly large number of Americans really didn't want to hear about it. An actor and a bad actor at that was playing the President, and the media "watchdogs" were all too happy to become bit players in the hit TV show his presidency became. Illusion was embraced as reality.

I did not find the President's ignorance charming. I was appalled by his laziness and repelled by his callousness toward the less fortunate, all the more so because of his pious claims of compa.s.sion. I was unwarmed by his genial head-waggling, unrea.s.sured by his stern frowns of manly purpose, uncheered by his hearty waves as he strolled to and from his helicopters with the blades whirring all the while to insure that he couldn't hear or have to answer reporters' questions.

His smooth purr did not soothe me. His nostalgic fables about an America that never was did not inspire me. And his canned one-liners, perversely celebrated as "wit" ("It's just the 31st anniversary of my 39th birthday") definitely did not amuse me.

Tens of millions of voters, humbled by their recent presidential preferences, were thrilled to have elected someone who they thought at least looked the part, but all I could see was the emptiness of his suit. This President was a pitchman who seemed not to exist when the camera light was off, a front man so personally invisible that he'd actually called his autobiography Where's the Rest of Me? Where's the Rest of Me?, an aging ham who'd spent way too much of his time watching or at least thinking about his old movies. President Norman Desmond.

Astonished that so few seemed to share my vision, I was compelled to doc.u.ment the surreality. Armed with the tools of the pre-Internet era scissors, file folders, yellow highlight pens and VCRs I began gathering the material for what would become this book. Publishers were not exactly lining up. "He's too popular, no one will buy it." "What if he's not re-elected?" "What if he dies?" Only by disguising it as a history of the '80s and including other politicians, public figures and pop culture icons did I manage to get a book deal.

The Clothes Have No Emperor has been out of print for two decades, but the 61st anniversary of Reagan's 39th birthday and the inevitable attendant hoopla about his ostensible greatness provides the perfect occasion to bring it back and remind those who lived through it, and inform those who didn't, of how truly detrimental his presidency was, and how so much of what's wrong with the country today can be traced to his administration. has been out of print for two decades, but the 61st anniversary of Reagan's 39th birthday and the inevitable attendant hoopla about his ostensible greatness provides the perfect occasion to bring it back and remind those who lived through it, and inform those who didn't, of how truly detrimental his presidency was, and how so much of what's wrong with the country today can be traced to his administration.

PROLOGUE.

At 10:10 a.m. on Election Day 1980, Ronald Reagan and his wife, Nancy, arrive at their Pacific Palisades, California polling place. Reporters shout questions at the candidate, who smiles and says, "I can't answer till I get on my mark." Though his victory seems likely, he refuses to predict it. "You know me," he says, placing himself squarely on the taped cross showing where he's supposed to stand. "I'm too superst.i.tious to answer anything like that." His wife nudges him and quietly says, "Cautiously optimistic." Reagan takes his cue. "Yes," he says, "I'm cautiously optimistic."

As they leave, he is asked who he voted for. He smiles and says, "Nancy."

NOVEMBER 1980.

11/4/80.

At 8:15pm EST, with a mere five percent of the vote counted, NBC declares former Hollywood actor Ronald Reagan the 40th President of the United States. When it's all over, Reagan and running mate George Bush have won 43,901,812 to 35,483,820 in the popular vote, and 489-49 in the electoral college and the Democrats have lost the Senate for the first time since 1954. Among the losers are veteran liberals George McGovern, Frank Church and Birch Bayh, who is defeated by two-term congressman J. Danforth Quayle.

"I'm not bitter," says President Jimmy Carter, who concedes the election hours before polls in the west have closed. "Rosalynn is, but I'm not." Adds the First Lady, "I'm bitter enough for all of us."

11/6/80.

Nancy Reagan whose husband calls her "Mommy" reveals how they learned the results of the election: "Ronnie had just gotten out of the shower and he was standing in his robe, and I had just gotten out of the bath and I was standing in my robe, and we had the television on, naturally, when NBC projected him the winner. We turned to each other and said, 'Somehow this doesn't seem to be the way it's supposed to be.'"

11/10/80.

CBS newsman Dan Rather gets into a dispute with Chicago cab driver Eugene Phillips, who has gotten lost following Rather's directions. When he tries to get out without paying, the cabbie unaware of his pa.s.senger's ident.i.ty drives off in search of a cop. Rather sticks his head and shoulders out the window, waves his arms and shouts that he is being kidnapped. The police, unsurprisingly, take the side of the powerful network star, and Phillips is charged with disorderly conduct. CBS says it will pay the $12.55 fare.

11/12/80.

New York mayor Ed Koch tells a radio audience that he, "like everyone else," once tried marijuana. And, like everyone else who publicly admits such a thing, he claims not to have liked it.

11/14/80.

Despite President-elect Reagan's claim that no personnel decisions have been made, his transition team announces two key appointments: Bush campaign head James Baker III as chief of staff and long-time Reagan aide Edwin Meese III as White House counselor with Cabinet rank.

11/18/80.

Flocking to the Cinema I theater for the hot-ticket screening of Michael Cimino's wildly expensive western, Heaven's Gate Heaven's Gate, New York's media elite finds itself enduring a 219-minute exercise in pretentious self-indulgence. "Why aren't they drinking the champagne?" Cimino asks at intermission. "Because," his publicist explains, "they hate the movie, Michael."

The next day, New York Times New York Times critic Vincent Canby writes," critic Vincent Canby writes,"Heaven's Gate fails so completely that you might suspect Mr. Cimino sold his soul to the devil to obtain the success of fails so completely that you might suspect Mr. Cimino sold his soul to the devil to obtain the success of The Deer Hunter The Deer Hunter, and the devil has just come around to collect ... For all the time and money that went into it, it's jerry-built, a ship that slides straight to the bottom at its christening ... Heaven's Gate Heaven's Gate is something quite rare in movies these days an unqualified disaster." The film is pulled from release by United Artists for some serious editing. is something quite rare in movies these days an unqualified disaster." The film is pulled from release by United Artists for some serious editing.

11/20/80.

President-elect Reagan arrives at the White House to receive a job briefing from President Carter, who later reveals that Reagan asked few questions and took no notes, asking instead for a copy of Carter's presentation.

11/20/80.

Nancy Reagan tells The Washington Post The Washington Post that she and her husband are going to set an example for "a return to a higher sense of morality" when they move into the White House, explaining, "It kind of filters down from the top somehow." that she and her husband are going to set an example for "a return to a higher sense of morality" when they move into the White House, explaining, "It kind of filters down from the top somehow."

11/21/80.

After eight months of saturation hype, more than 41 million of America's nearly 78 million households tune in to Dallas Dallas to learn that Sue Ellen's sister Kristin shot J.R. Ewing. to learn that Sue Ellen's sister Kristin shot J.R. Ewing.

11/23/80.

"Running the government is like running General Motors. It's twice General Motors or three times General Motors but it's General Motors ... The Cabinet secretaries will be like the presidents of Chevrolet and Pontiac ... Chevrolet competes with Pontiac. Compet.i.tion is good. But their compet.i.tion stops at what is good for General Motors."

--Reagan crony Alfred Bloomingdale 11/24/80.

Amidst a swirl of rumors about his alleged h.o.m.os.e.xuality, Ronald Prescott Reagan, 22 son of the President-elect heads down to Manhattan Supreme Court to marry his girlfriend Doria Palmieri, 29. "I'm very happy," says Nancy Reagan in California, though The New York Times The New York Times describes her demeanor as "notably subdued." describes her demeanor as "notably subdued."

11/27/80.

At halftime during its Thanksgiving football game, CBS interviews President-elect Ronald Reagan, who reminisces about his days as a radio sportscaster and fondly recalls his penchant for enhancing the events by "making things up."

11/28/80.

President-elect Reagan goes to Beverly Hills for a haircut at Drucker's barber shop. Owner Harry Drucker says he has been cutting Reagan's hair exactly the same way for 40 years, describing it as "a traditional haircut, a conservative haircut ... It isn't," he says redundantly, "a hippie-type haircut." And, he says with a straight face, the 69-year-old Reagan does not dye his hair.

DECEMBER 1980.

12/2/80.

Government forces in El Salvador shoot four US churchwomen to death.

12/8/80.

After lurking outside New York's Dakota apartment building for several days, cipher Mark David Chapman gets John Lennon to autograph a copy of his new alb.u.m, Double Fantasy Double Fantasy, as he and Yoko Ono leave for the recording studio to put the finishing touches on her new single, "Walking On Thin Ice." When they return, Chapman shows his grat.i.tude by pumping four bullets into Lennon from behind. Though he is rushed to the hospital in a police car, the former Beatle dies within minutes. "Do you know what you just did?" asks the Dakota doorman. Says Chapman calmly, "I just shot John Lennon." Six months later he pleads guilty to second degree murder and is sentenced to 20 years to life, with a general understanding in society that this guy is never coming out. Either he is still in prison as you read this or he is dead.

12/10/80.

Radio commentator Paul Harvey scoffs at the renewed calls for gun control in the wake of John Lennon's murder. "Well, now, wait a minute," Harvey says. "Death has claimed a lot of rock musicians prematurely, and none with guns. Keith Moon and Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix OD'd on drugs, and Elvis Presley and Brian Jones and John Bonham ... Plane crashes killed Jim Croce and Otis Redding and Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, Ronnie Van Zant. In fact, Lennon at forty lived much longer than most of those." So, it turns out John was really kind of lucky.

12/11/80.

Rupert Murdoch's New York Post New York Post favors its readers with a front-page morgue photo of John Lennon. favors its readers with a front-page morgue photo of John Lennon.

12/11/80.

Nancy Reagan reveals that she keeps a gun in a drawer near her bed. "Ronnie was away a lot, you know," she explains, "and I was alone in that house." And what kind of gun is it? She laughs. "It's just a tiny little gun."

12/11/80.

President-elect Reagan's first eight Cabinet appointments including Donald Regan (Treasury), David Stockman (Budget Director), Caspar Weinberger (Defense) and William Casey (CIA) are announced. Reagan not only doesn't attend the half-hour ceremony but he can't even be bothered to watch all of it on TV. A statement is released in his name calling this group "the exact combination to create the new beginning the American people expect and deserve."

12/12/80.

The day after being named US Attorney General the nation's highest law enforcement officer William French Smith travels to Rancho Mirage, California to attend a 65th birthday party for Frank Sinatra.

12/12/80.

Denying a report that Nancy Reagan "can't understand" why the Carters don't move into Blair House during the transition so she can have a head start on redecorating the White House, a spokesperson explains that the First Lady-in-waiting merely suggested that she she might do that favor for the might do that favor for the next next First Family. Says one Carter aide, "I wouldn't be surprised if we have to fend off the moving vans." First Family. Says one Carter aide, "I wouldn't be surprised if we have to fend off the moving vans."

12/16/80.

In Beverly Hills, President-elect Reagan stops by Drucker's for another haircut.

12/17/80.

Bernice Brown, wife of former California governor Pat Brown, says that after her husband was defeated by Ronald Reagan in 1966, Nancy's secretary called to ask them to move out of the governor's mansion several days early. "They said they needed extra time," she says, "to wash windows and wax floors and all that."

12/17/80.

Long-time Reagan aide and Nancy devotee Michael Deaver is named deputy White House chief of staff.

12/18/80.

Washington Post: REAGAN ON THE SIDELINES / HE OFTEN SEEMS REMOTE FROM TRANSITION 12/19/80.

Washington Post: REAGAN 'IS REALLY RUNNING THINGS,' MEESE TELLS PRESS 12/28/80.

"I don't think you pay ransom for people that have been kidnapped by barbarians."

--President-elect Reagan dismissing Iran's conditions for the release of the 52 American hostages 12/30/80.

President-elect Reagan gets, of all things, another haircut.

12/31/80.

Nancy Reagan is reported to be insisting that whoever is hired as her husband's press secretary must be "reasonably good-looking."

12/31/80.

In Evergreen, Colorado, 25-year-old John W. Hinckley Jr. depressed over the murder of John Lennon sits alone in his parents' house, drinking peach brandy and recording a New Year's Eve message. "I don't know what's gonna happen this year. It's just gonna be insanity," he says. "Jodie is the only thing that matters now. Anything that I might do in 1981 would be solely for Jodie Foster's sake ... It's time for me to go to bed. It's after midnight. It's the New Year, 1981. Hallelujah!"

JANUARY 1981.

1/4/81.

Writing about the Sinatra birthday bash, columnist William Safire points out that maybe it wasn't such a good idea for Attorney General-designate William French Smith to have attended a salute to "a man obviously proud to be close to notorious hoodlums." The President-elect's reaction? "Yeah, I know. We've heard those things about Frank for years, and we just hope none of them are true."

1/6/81.

President-elect Reagan himself! announces the appointment of pudgy, balding James Brady as White House press secretary. Asked if Brady's visuals have been approved by Nancy, the usually genial Reagan gets testy. "I am getting to be an irate husband at some of the things I am reading," he says of his wife's astonishing knack for alienation, "none of which are true."

1/9/81.

With his departure for Washington imminent, President-elect Reagan stops by Drucker's to squeeze in one last trim.

1/13/81.

President-elect Reagan is presented with a huge jar of jellybeans at a farewell ceremony in Los Angeles, which prompts his reminiscence about pa.s.sing the jellybean jar around the table during his days as governor. "You can tell a lot about a fellow's character, if a fellow just picks out one color or grabs a handful," he says, though exactly what what one can tell from this is left unrevealed. one can tell from this is left unrevealed.

1/17/81.