x.x.xVI.

Annales Volusi, cacata charta, Votum solvite pro mea puella: Nam sanctae Veneri Cupidinique Vovit, si sibi rest.i.tutus essem Desissemque truces vibrare iambos, 5 Electissima pessimi poetae Scripta tardipedi deo daturam Infelicibus ustulanda lignis.

Et haec pessima se puella vidit Iocose lepide vovere divis. 10 Nunc, o caeruleo creata ponto, Quae sanctum Idalium Vriosque portus Quaeque Ancona Cnidumque harundinosam Colis quaeque Amathunta quaeque Golgos Quaeque Durrachium Adriae tabernam, 15 Acceptum face redditumque votum, Si non inlepidum neque invenustumst.

At vos interea venite in ignem, Pleni ruris et inficetiarum Annales Volusi, cacata charta. 20

x.x.xVI.

ON "THE ANNALS"--A SO-CALLED POEM OF VOLUSIUS.

Volusius' Annals, paper sc.u.m-bewrayed!

Fulfil that promise erst my damsel made; Who vowed to Holy Venus and her son, Cupid, should I return to her anon And cease to brandish iamb-lines accurst, 5 The writ selected erst of bards the worst She to the limping G.o.dhead would devote With slowly-burning wood of illest note.

This was the vilest which my girl could find With vow facetious to the G.o.ds a.s.signed. 10 Now, O Creation of the azure sea, Holy Idalium, Urian havenry Haunting, Ancona, Cnidos' reedy site, Amathus, Golgos, and the tavern hight Durrachium--thine Adrian abode-- 15 The vow accepting, recognize the vowed As not unworthy and unhandsome naught.

But do ye meanwhile to the fire be brought, That teem with boorish jest of sorry blade, Volusius' Annals, paper sc.u.m-bewrayed. 20

Volusius' Annals, merdous paper, fulfil ye a vow for my girl: for she vowed to sacred Venus and to Cupid that if I were re-united to her and I desisted hurling savage iambics, she would give the most elect writings of the pettiest poet to the tardy-footed G.o.d to be burned with ill-omened wood.

And _this_ the saucy minx chose, jocosely and drolly to vow to the G.o.ds.

Now, O Creation of the cerulean main, who art in sacred Idalium, and in Urian haven, and who doth foster Ancona and reedy Cnidos, Amathus and Golgos, and Dyrrhachium, Adriatic tavern, accept and acknowledge this vow if it lack not grace nor charm. But meantime, hence with ye to the flames, crammed with boorish speech and vapid, Annals of Volusius, merdous paper.

x.x.xVII.

Salax taberna vosque contubernales, A pileatis nona fratribus pila, Solis putatis esse mentulas vobis, Solis licere, quidquid est puellarum, Confutuere et putare ceteros hircos? 5 An, continenter quod sedetis insulsi Centum an ducenti, non putatis ausurum Me una ducentos inrumare sessores?

Atqui putate: namque totius vobis Frontem tabernae scorpionibus scribam. 10 Puella nam mi, quae meo sinu fugit, Amata tantum quantum amabitur nulla, Pro qua mihi sunt magna bella pugnata, Consedit istic. hanc boni beatique Omnes amatis, et quidem, quod indignumst, 15 Omnes pusilli et semitarii moechi; Tu praeter omnes une de capillatis, Cuniculosae Celtiberiae fili Egnati, opaca quem bonum facit barba Et dens Hibera defricatus urina. 20

x.x.xVII.

TO THE FREQUENTERS OF A LOW TAVERN.

Salacious Tavern and ye taverner-host, From Pileate Brothers the ninth pile-post, D'ye claim, you only of the mentule boast, D'ye claim alone what damsels be the best To swive: as he-goats holding all the rest? 5 Is't when like b.o.o.bies sit ye incontinent here, One or two hundred, deem ye that I fear Two hundred ---- at one brunt?

Ay, think so, natheless all your tavern-front With many a scorpion I will over-write. 10 For that my damsel, fro' my breast took flight, By me so loved, as shall loved be none, Wherefor so mighty wars were waged and won, Does sit in public here. Ye fain, rich wights, All woo her: thither too (the chief of slights!) 15 All pitiful knaves and by-street wenchers fare, And thou, (than any worse), with hanging hair, In coney-breeding Celtiberia bred, Egnatius! bonnified by beard full-fed, And teeth with Spanish urine polished. 20

Tavern of l.u.s.t and you its tippling crowd, (at ninth pile sign-post from the Cap-donned Brothers) think ye that ye alone have mentules, that 'tis allowed to you alone to touzle whatever may be feminine, and to deem all other men mere goats? But, because ye sit, a row of fools numbering one hundred or haply two hundred, do ye think I dare not irrumate your entire two hundred--loungers!--at once! Think it! but I'll scrawl all over the front of your tavern with scorpion-words. For my girl, who has fled from my embrace (she whom I loved as ne'er a maid shall be beloved--for whom I fought fierce fights) has seated herself here. All ye, both honest men and rich, and also, (O cursed shame) all ye paltry back-slum fornicators, are making hot love to her; and thou above all, one of the hairy-visaged sons of coney-caverned Celtiberia, Egnatius, whose quality is stamped by dense-grown beard, and teeth with Spanish urine scrubbed.

x.x.xVIII.

Malest, Cornifici, tuo Catullo, Malest, me hercule, et est laboriose, Et magis magis in dies et horas.

Quem tu, quod minimum facillimumquest, Qua solatus es adlocutione? 5 Irascor tibi. sic meos amores?

Paulum quid lubet adlocutionis, Maestius lacrimis Simonideis.

x.x.xVIII.

A COMPLAINT TO CORNIFICIUS.

Cornificius! 'Tis ill with thy Catullus, 'Tis ill (by Hercules) distressfully: Iller and iller every day and hour.

Whose soul (as smallest boon and easiest) With what of comfort hast thou deign'd console? 5 Wi' thee I'm angered! Dost so prize my love?

Yet some consoling utterance had been well Though sadder 'twere than Simonidean tears.

'Tis ill, Cornificius, with thy Catullus, 'tis ill, by Hercules, and most untoward; and greater, greater ill, each day and hour! And thou, what solace givest thou, e'en the tiniest, the lightest, by thy words? I'm wroth with thee. Is my love but worth this? Yet one little message would cheer me, though more full of sadness than Simonidean tears.

x.x.xVIIII.

Egnatius, quod candidos habet dentes, Renidet usque quaque. sei ad rei ventumst Subsellium, c.u.m orator excitat fletum, Renidet ille. sei ad pii rogum fili Lugetur, orba c.u.m flet unic.u.m mater, 5 Renidet ille. quidquid est, ubic.u.mquest, Quodc.u.mque agit, renidet. hunc habet morb.u.m, Neque elegantem, ut arbitror, neque urbanum.

Quare monendum test mihi, bone Egnati.

Si urba.n.u.s esses aut Sabinus aut Tiburs 10 Aut fartus Vmber aut obesus Etruscus Aut Lanuinus ater atque dentatus Aut Transpada.n.u.s, ut meos quoque attingam, Aut quilubet, qui puriter lavit dentes, Tamen renidere usque quaque te nollem: 15 Nam risu inepto res ineptior nullast.

Nunc Celtiber es: Celtiberia in terra, Quod quisque minxit, hoc sibi solet mane Dentem atque russam defricare gingivam, Vt quo iste vester expolitior dens est, 20 Hoc te amplius bibisse praedicet loti.

x.x.xVIIII.

ON EGNATIUS OF THE WHITE TEETH.

Egnatius for that owns he teeth snow-white, Grins ever, everywhere. When placed a wight In dock, when pleader would draw tears, the while He grins. When pious son at funeral pile Mourns, or lone mother sobs for sole lost son, 5 He grins. Whate'er, whene'er, howe'er is done, Of deed he grins. Such be his malady, Nor kind, nor courteous--so beseemeth me-- Then take thou good Egnatius, rede of mine!

Wert thou corrupt Sabine or a Tiburtine, 10 Stuffed Umbrian or Tuscan overgrown Swarthy Lanuvian with his teeth-rows shown, Transpadan also, that mine own I touch, Or any washing teeth to shine o'er much, Yet thy incessant grin I would not see, 15 For naught than laughter silly sillier be.

Thou Celtiber art, in Celtiberia born, Where man who's urined therewith loves a-morn His teeth and ruddy gums to scour and score; So the more polisht are your teeth, the more 20 Argue they sipping stale in ampler store.

Egnatius, who has milk-white teeth, grins for ever and aye. An he be in court, when counsel excites tears, he grins. An he be at funeral pyre where one mourns a son devoted, where a bereft mother's tears stream for her only one, he grins. Whatever it may be, wherever he is, whate'er may happen, he grins. Such ill habit has he--neither in good taste, well a.s.sumed, nor refined. Wherefore do thou take note from me, my good Egnatius. Be thou refined Sabine or Tiburtine, paunch-full Umbrian or obese Tuscan, Lanuvian dusky and large-tusked, or Transpadine (to touch upon mine own folk also), or whom thou wilt of those who cleanly wash their teeth, still I'd wish thee not to grin for ever and aye; for than senseless giggling nothing is more senseless. Now thou'rt a Celtiberian! and in the Celtiberian land each wight who has urined is wont each morn to scrub with it his teeth and pinky gums, so that the higher the polish on thy teeth, the greater fund it notes that thou hast drunk of urine.

x.x.xX.

Quaenam te mala mens, miselle Ravide, Agit praecipitem in meos iambos?

Quis deus tibi non bene advocatus Vecordem parat excitare rixam?

An ut pervenias in ora vulgi? 5 Quid vis? qua lubet esse notus optas?

Eris, quandoquidem meos amores c.u.m longa voluisti amare poena.

x.x.xX.

THREATENING RAVIDUS WHO STOLE HIS MISTRESS.

What thought of folly Ravidus (poor churl!) Upon my iambs thus would headlong hurl?

What good or cunning counsellor would fain Urge thee to struggle in such strife insane?

Is't that the vulgar mouth thy name by rote? 5 What will'st thou? Wishest on any wise such note?

Then _shalt_ be noted since my love so lief For love thou sued'st to thy lasting grief.

What mind ill set, O sorry Ravidus, doth thrust thee rashly on to my iambics? What G.o.d, none advocate of good for thee, doth stir thee to a senseless contest? That thou may'st be in the people's mouth? What would'st thou? Dost wish to be famed, no matter in what way? So thou shalt be, since thou hast aspired to our loved one's love, but by our long-drawn vengeance.

x.x.xXI.

Ametina puella defututa Tota milia me decem poposcit, Ista turpiculo puella naso, Decoctoris amica Formiani.

Propinqui, quibus est puella curae, 5 Amicos medicosque convocate: Non est sana puella. nec rogate, Qualis sit: solet esse imaginosa.

x.x.xXI.

ON MAMURRA'S MISTRESS.

That Ametina, worn-out wh.o.r.e, Me for a myriad oft would bore, That strumpet of th' ign.o.ble nose, To leman, rakeh.e.l.l Formian chose.

An ye would guard her (kinsmen folk) 5 Your friends and leaches d'ye convoke: The girl's not sound-sens'd; ask ye naught Of her complaint: she's love-distraught.

Ametina, out-drained maiden, worries me for a whole ten thousand, that damsel with an outspread nose, _chere amie_ of Formia.n.u.s the wildling. Ye near of kin in whose care the maiden is, summon ye both friends and medicals: for the girl's not sane. Nor ask ye, in what way: she is subject to delusions.

x.x.xXII.