Hans Breitmann vent to Kansas: He drafel fast und far; He rided shoost drei dousand miles All in von rail-roat car.

He knowed foost rate how far he goed- He gounted all de vile, Dere vash shoost one bottle of champagne, Dat bopped at efery mile.

Hans Breitmann vent to Kansas; I dell you vot, my poy, You bet dey hat a pully dimes In crossin' Illinoy.

Dey speaked deir speaks to all de folk A shtandin' in de car; Den ask dem in to dake a trink, Und corned em gans und gar.

Hans Breitmann vent to Kansas; By shings! dey did it prown.

When he got into Leafenvort, He found himself in town.

Dey dined him at de Blanter's House, More goot as man could d.i.n.k; Mit efery dings on eart' to eat, Und dwice as mooch to trink.

Hans Breitmann vent to Kansas; He vent it on de loud.

At Ellsvort, in de prairie land, He foundt a pully crowd.

He looked for bleedin' Kansas, But dat's "blayed out," dey say; De vhiskey keg's de only ding Dat's bleedin' dere to-day.

Hans Breitmann vent to Kansas, To see vot he could hear.

He foundt soom Deutschers dat exisdt Py makin' lager beer.

Says he: "Wie gehts du Alt Gesell?"

But nodings could be heard; Dey'd growed so fat in Kansas Dat dey couldn't speak a vord.

Hans Breitmann vent to Kansas; Py shings! I dell you vot, Von day he met a crisly bear Dat rooshed him down, bei Gott!

Boot der Breitmann took und bind der bear Und bleased him fery much- For efery vordt der crisly growled Vas goot Bavarian Dutch!

Hans Breitmann vent to Kansas!

By donder dat is so!

He ridet oout upon de blains To shase de boofalo.

He fired his rifle at de bools, Und gallop droo de shmoke, Und shoomp de canyons shoost as if Der teufel vas a choke!

It's hey de trail to Santa Fe; It's ho! agross de plain; It's lope along de Denver road, Until ve toorn again.

Und de railroad drafel after us Apout as quick as ve; Dis Kansas ish de fastest land Ash efer I did see.

Hans Breitmann vent to Kansas; He have a pully dime; But 'twas in old Missouri Dat dey rooshed him up subline.

Dey took him to der Bilot n.o.b, Und all der n.o.bs around; Dey shpreed him und dey tea'd him Dill dey roon him to de ground.

Hans Breitmann vent to Kansas, Und made his carpine pop!

Ven he shooted at a drifer man To make de wagon shdop.

A n.o.ble Tribune shendleman Shoost dodged dat pullet's bore, Und de driver shwore dat soosh a crowd He nefer druv pefore.

Hans Breitmann vent to Kansas; Droo all dis earthly land, A vorkin' out life's mission here Soobyectifly und grand.

Some beoplesh runs de beautiful, Some vorks philosophie; Der Breitmann solfe de infinide Ash von eternal shpree!

HANS BREITMANN'S CHRISTMAS.

"Haec est illa bona dies Et vocata laeta quies Vina sitientibus.

"Nullus metus, nec labores, Nulla cura, nec dolores, Sint in hoc symposio."

[De Generibus Ebriosorum, Francoforti ad Moenum, A.D. 1585.

ID vas on Weihnachtsabend - Vot Ghristmas Efe dey call- Der Breitmann mit his Breitmen tid rent de Musik Hall; Ash de Breitmen und die vomen who vere in de Liederkranz Vouldt blend deir souls in harmonie to have a bleasin tantz.

Dey reefed de Hall 'mid pushes so nople to pe seen, Aroundt Beethoven's buster dey dey on-did a garlandt creen: De laties vork like teufels dwo tays to scroob de vloor Und hanged a crate serenity mit WILLKOMM! oop de toor!

Und vhile dere vas a Schwein-blatt whose redakteur tid say, Die Breitmann he vas liederlich: ve ant-worded dis-a way, Ve maked anoder serenity mid ledders plue und red: "Our Leader lick de repels! N.G." (enof gesaid.)

Und anoder serene dransbarency ve make de veller baint, Boot de vay he potch und vertyfeled id, vas enof to shvear a saint, For ve vanted LA GERMANIA; - boot der ardist mit a bloonder, Vent und vlorished LAGER agross id - und denn poot MANIA oonder!

"Now ve moost pe guest-friendlich," said Breitmann, said he; "Und shoot te toor vide oben, for beople all to see.

Four elemends indernally unided make a punsch; Boot id dakes a tausend fellers vhen you gifes dem freie lunsch."

Und as Ghristmas Efe vas gekommen, de beoplesh weren im Hall; I shvears you id vas Gott-full - dat shplendit, peglory'd ball; Ve hat foon wie der Teufel in Frankreich - ve coot oop like der teufel in France, Und valk pair-wise in, vhile de musik blayed loudt de Fackel-Tanz.

Boot vhen de valtz shtrike oopwart ve most went out of fits, Ash der Breitmann led off on a dwister mit de lofely Helmine Schmitz.

He valtz yoost like he vas shtandin' shtill mit a peaudiful solemn shmile, Und Helmine say he nefer shtop poussiren alla weil.

"Es toent, es rauschet Saitenklang - I hear de musik call Den herzenh.e.l.len Saal entlang - all droo de gleamin' Hall.

O moecht ich schweben stolz und froh - O mighdt I efer pe Mit dir durchs ganze Leben so! - mine Lebanlang py dee!"

Und vaster blay de musik de Wellen und Wogen von Strauss; Und soom drop indo de tantzen, und soom of dem drop aus; Und soon like a shtorm in de Meere I veel de reelin' vloor, So de shpinners shtop mit de shpinsters, for dey couldn't shpin no more.

Now weren ve all frolic, und lauter guter ding, Und dirsty ash a broosh-pinder - vhen ve hear some gla.s.ses ring; Foors mild und sonft in de distants - like de song of a nightingall, Denn a ringin' und rottlin und clotterin' - ash de Gluck of Edenhall?

Hei! how ve roosh on de liquor! - hei: how de kellners coom: Hei! how ve busted de bier-kegs und poonished de Punsch a la Rhum.

Like lonely wafes at mitternight oopon some shiant sh.o.r.e- Like an awful shtorm in de Waelder - vas de dirsty Deutschers' roar!

I pyed some carts for a dime abiece - I pyed shoost fifdy-dwo, Dey vere goot for bier, or schnapps, or wein - by doonder how dey flew!

I ring de deck on de vaiters for liquor hot und cool, Und efery dime I blays a cart, py shings, I rake de pool![27]

Und ash ve trinked so comforble, like boogs in any roog, De trompets blowed tan da ra dei, und dere come in a Maskenzug, A peaudiful brocession, soul-raisin' and sooplime, De marmorbilds of de heroes of de early Sharman dime.

Dere vent der gros Arminius, mit his frau Thusnelda, doo, De vellers ash lam de Romans dill dey roon mit noses plue; Denn vollowed Quinctilius Varus who carry a Roman yoke, Und arm in arm mit Gambrinus coom der Allemane Chroc.

Der Alte Friedrich Rothbart, und Kaiser Karl der crate, Mit Roland und Uliverus vent shveepin' on in shtate; Und Conradin, whose sad-full deat' shtill makes our heartsen pleed, Und all ov dem oldt vellers aus dem Nibelungen Lied.

Und as dey mofed on, der Breitmann maked a tyfeled shplendid witz In anti-word to dis quesdion from de lofely Mina Schmitz: "Vhy ish id dey always makes in shtone dem vellers so andiquadet?"

"Vhy - dey set in de laps of Ages dill dey got lapi-dated!"

Und shoost as de last of dis hisdory hat fanished droo de door, Ve heardt a ge-screech, and Pelz Nickel coom howlin' on de vloor; Denn de laties yell like der teufel, und vly like gulls mit wings, Und der Pelz Nickel lick em mit svitches, und ve laugh like eferydings.

I nefer hafe sooch laughen before dat I vas geborn; Und Pelz Nickel, vhen 'tvas ober, he plow on a yaeger horn, Und denounce do all de beople gesembled in de hall: "Dat a Ghristmas dree vas vaiten', mit bresents for oos all!"

So ve vollowed him into de zimmer so quick ash dese vords he said, To kit dem peaudiful bresents, all gratis und on de dead; Und in facdt a shplendid Weihnachtsbaum mit lighds ve druly vound, Und liddel kifts dat ge-kostet a benny abiece all round!

Dere vas Rike Strange die Dessauerinn - a maedchen shtraigdt und tall, She cot a bicture of Cubid - boot she tidn't see it ad all, Dill der Breitmann say, mit his shplendid shtyle dat all de laties dake: "Dat pend of de bow ish de Crecian pend dat you so ofden make!"

Anoder scharmante laity, Maria Top, did cot, A schwingin' mit a ribbon, a liddle benny pot; Boot Breitmann hafe id de roughest of any oder mans, For he kit a yellow gratle mit a liddle vooden Hans.

Denn next Beethoven's Sinfonie, die orkester tid blay; Adagio - allegro - andante cantabile.

Ve sat in shtill commotion so dat a bin mighdt drops, Und de deers roon town der Breitmann's sheeks, mitwhiles he was trinkin' schnapps.

Next dings ve had de Weinnachtstraum ge-sung by de Liederkranz, Denn I trinked dwelf schoppens of glee-wine to sed me oop for a tantz; Dis dimes I tanz wie der Teufel - we shriek de volk on de vloor; Und boost right indo de sooper room - vor ve tanzt a hole droo de door!