THE BREAKUP CLUB.

by Melissa Senate.

Acknowledgments.

XOXO to...

Kim Witherspoon and Alexis Hurley at Inkwell Management.

Joan Marlow Golan and Margaret Marbury at Red Dress Ink.

The two great loves of my life: Adam Kempler, husband extraordinaire (who reminds me every day to take it bird by bird), and Max, the world's greatest kid.

And for their unwitting inspiration, a big fat clink of the gla.s.s to: Josh Behar, Mark James, Lucia Macro, Kelly Notaras and Mike Shohl.

Chapter one.

Lucy.

What did I know about breakups? I married my first boyfriend.

Everything I knew about breakups I learned from my younger sister, Miranda. She'd been broken up with at least ten times in her twenty-nine years, yet she never saw it coming. It was always the same story. They were in bed (usually his, because Miranda had roommates), she asked where the relationship was going, and ten or twenty or two hundred minutes later, she was informed that the relationship was going nowhere because it was over. She then tearfully collected her toothbrush and facial cleanser, the box of Tampax under the sink, her nighties and her books (purposely leaving something behind, like her leather jacket or contact lenses), stuffed everything into a large brown paper bag she'd found wedged between the refrigerator and oven and ran crying out of his apartment building. She stopped at the corner, huddled under the awning of a twenty-four-hour deli, and called me from her cell phone while the paper bag ripped, the contents of her life with Jim, Mark, Peter, Ethan, Andrew, Gabriel, et al, dropping to the sidewalk.

And so at midnight or two in the morning, my phone would ring, Miranda sobbing and sputtering on the other end.

Miranda: "Eeeee...woo...uhh mahhhh."

Me: "He threw up on you?"

Miranda sobs harder: "Eeee...bwoh up wi muhh!"

Ah. Translation: He broke up with me.

If my husband happened to be out at midnight or two in the morning delivering a baby (he's an obstetrician), rather than go pick up my sister and leave our twelve-year-old daughter, Amelia, alone in the apartment, I'd instruct Miranda to calm down, take deep breaths and hail a cab. Since she rarely had more than six bucks on her, I'd meet her taxi in front of my building and pay the driver. Then I'd take her torn brown paper bag, hand her a few tissues for her running mascara and red nose, sling an arm over her shoulder and lead her upstairs, where we'd order in Chinese food and watch her favorite movie, Muriel's Wedding, until she was ready to tell me what happened. What happened was always more or less the same thing, with minor variations: she was too this or too that; he met someone else; he was moving to Boston/Botswana/the Upper West Side and wasn't into long-distance relationships; she caught him cheating; he didn't want her to leave a toothbrush in his toothbrush holder; it wasn't her, it was him; it was her, she asked where the relationship was going. Et cetera.

Miranda would scarf down her spring rolls and her shrimp dumplings and half of my sweet-and-sour chicken and break open the fortune cookies, looking for a.s.surances of future love, and I'd hold her hand and reheat her tea and hand her another box of tissues. Then she'd burst into a fresh round of tears and croak out, "I...tau...eee...wuv-d...muh." Translation: I thought he loved me.

The last time was six months ago and had taken even me by surprise. Miranda had been so in love, and the boyfriend, Gabriel, had shown up at every family function during their year-long relationship. I'd liked him, my daughter had liked himeven my husband, who couldn't stand any of Miranda's boyfriends, had liked him.

After every breakup, she'd sob out the same question: "What's...wong...wid...meeee, Luceeeee?"

What's wrong with you is what's wrong with me, little sister. Which was: we were bad at reading signs. I attributed this to growing up with an odd mother who would be, say, making a quiche lorraine from scratch, then suddenly take off her ap.r.o.n, hang it up on its peg by the cookbooks, announce she was leaving and then not return for a few days. During our childhood, our mother left a total of forty-nine times. We never saw it coming, because there were no signs. When her internal bomb imploded, it was time for her to go, and she went quietly, no muss, no fuss. Sometimes she was gone for an hour, sometimes for days. Never longer than one week. Once, she rented a house at the Jersey sh.o.r.e in the middle of winter, and when I asked her what she did all alone for seven days in the freezing cold, she said she read four Janet Evanovich novels from the town library and knitted herself a scarf (half of one, anyway).

My father was a quiet, even-tempered man and let her have these "moments."

"Your mother is taking some me-time," he'd tell us when she'd get up from the couch in the middle of Wheel of Fortune and return three days later.

"Your mother is crazy," Miranda would whisper to me, rolling her eyes. And then she'd link her arm around mine, her attention seemingly focused on Vanna's sparkly dress.

So when Larrythe husband I chose because he lacked a crazy genewent completely nuts during Thanksgiving dinner this afternoon, I was as shocked as everyone else.

"Has he been acting strangely lately?" the various relatives sitting around the dining-room table asked me.

Nope. He hadn't been. Or at least I didn't think so. As I said, I was bad at reading signs and I knew nothing about breakups. So I didn't know that my husband's temper tantrumover a paper platewas a big neon sign that a breakup was coming.

We had two Thanksgiving traditions. The first was that dinner was always at our apartment. Actually that was less a tradition and more a result of the fact that no one else ever offered to host. Aunt Dinah (my father's sister) hadn't cooked a hot meal since Uncle Saul died. "Who wants to cook for one?" she'd say before driving off to Boston Market for her contribution of two pounds of mashed potatoes. My sister couldn't cook and had the aforementioned roommate. My husband's sister couldn't fit more than three people into her tiny studio apartment. Larry's parents, recently retired professors of comparative literature at Rutgers University, where they'd met and had a long tenured life together, were staunch vegetarians and brought their own food to all family functions. My parents took off for their gated community in Florida the second the forecast called for temperatures under sixty-five. And Larry's elderly grandparents could barely lift a fork.

Which left me. I'd managed to make an entire traditional feast for eleven and edit a ma.n.u.script for work (I was a senior editor at Bold Books) without a) getting turkey guts on a single ma.n.u.script page or b) burning anything because I was so caught up in the unauthorized biography of Chrissy Cobb, the nineteen-year-old pop singer who had lifted her shirt on live television six months ago and got herself banned for life from the networks.

"Like I need those conservative a.s.sholes?" the gorgeous but grumpy singer countered in a Rolling Stone magazine interview. "Like Oprah or Live with Regis and Kelly are TRL. Puh-leeze!"

All of which made her a worthy subject of a Bold Books "instant" book. Instant books are conceived, written, edited and sent through the stages of production at warp speed to capitalize on the timeliness of a media frenzy. The life and times of a nineteen-year-old didn't amount to many chapters, so it was a short biography, something to be grateful for on this Thanksgiving Day when I was working and cooking inside a too-small, too-hot kitchen and being interrupted for more Diet c.o.ke, more hummus, more ice cubes by the relatives. The edited ma.n.u.script was due to production on Monday, and since I was gunning for a promotion at Bold (the editor in chief, Futterman, had announced his intention to promote one of his three senior editors to executive editor), I had to spend the entire weekend working on it. Whora Belleoops, I mean Wanda Bellesenior editor of romance, had the whory edge (I had a suspicion that she and Futterman had once been involved), and Boy Wonder (oops again, I mean Christopher Levy), senior editor of true crime and mysteries, had the male-bonding edge, but I had the seniority. Which meant absolutely nothing to a jerk like Futterman.

Although I'd given the a.s.sistant editor, who was my one staff member, two weeks to do a preliminary edit on the Cobb Bioa luxury in the world of instant books (overnight was more like it)she hadn't done anything but take the ma.n.u.script and then give it back. Forget the glaring inconsistency in the second chapter, she didn't even catch the typo in the first sentence: When pop singer Chrissy Cobb lifted her tiny tank top on national television, baring her silicone-enhanced brests for all of America...

Ah, something else to be grateful foryesterday had been the a.s.sistant editor's last day. Hence the untouched ma.n.u.scriptwhat was I going to do, fire her? Give her another mediocre performance review? Under a mangle of black tights and loose M&M's in her desk drawer, I also found four unread book proposals on the eighteen-month-old baby boy who survived alone in the woods for three days after getting separated from his parents on a camping trip. ABC was airing a TV movie on the story in June, and Futterman wanted an instant book on shelves exactly one week before airtime, to capitalize on ABC's promotion.

Working todayall weekend, reallywould help land me that promotion. And it wasn't as if I were taking time away from my husband and daughter, which led me to our second Thanksgiving Day family tradition: the Thanksgiving Day parade. Every year, Larry and Amelia took the crosstown bus from Manhattan's Upper East Side, where we lived, to the Upper West Side to watch the parade, unless one of Larry's patients went into labor, a hazard of marrying an obstetrician. Regardless, every year, Larry's entire side of the family came over two hours early and were always annoyed that Larry and Amelia weren't home.

Did I mind that I was stuck entertaining the relatives (mostly Larry's) while Larry and Amelia escaped to the Thanksgiving Day parade in this year's terrific weather (fifty-one degrees!)? No. Larry often disappeared with Amelia moments before company was due, especially if the company included our various relatives, even his own. Did I yell at him for it? Nope. I'd rather he spent some alone-time with our daughter than save me from his parents, who were p.r.o.ne to conducting long, dry debates about the "death of literature" while sipping white wine. Larry's job called him away from home at odd hours, evenings, weekends, middle of the night. Daddy-and-me time was precious to Amelia.

Larry Masterson, M.D., OB, was a darling of the Upper East Side moms who flirtily referred to him as Dr. Masterful. I did and didn't get it. Larry is a good-looking man, yes, but he'd slowly morphed from the hot med student I'd married at twenty-two to a soft-bellied, balding thirty-four-year-old in comfortable slacks and horn-rimmed gla.s.ses. Yet despite his fleshy cheeks and Pillsbury stomach and the Rockports, the mothers swooned.

Perhaps it was his bedside manner, which was spectacular outside of our bed. My marriage had been blah for months now. Not years. Just months. Just recently.

An affair? I wondered occasionally. But when? How? Larry was either delivering a baby at three in the morning or spending weekend afternoons enlightening Amelia on the finer points of menstruation in dry, dull clinical terms that held her enrapt. Amelia, who had the attention span of a toddler but the worries and questions of an adolescent, loved listening to her father's doc.u.mentary-style monologues on Your Body. He was a doctor. He knew. What he said was official.

Between Larry's office hours and all the weekend calls from his service about water breaking and preterm labor, Amelia rarely saw her father, despite our living only three avenues and two blocks from his Park Avenue practice. So if he actually had the opportunity to take his daughter to the parade for a few hours while I got stuck with the Mastersons, fine with me.

Besides, I had Miranda to entertain me. My sister was funny as h.e.l.l (Amelia idolized her "super-cool!" aunt, especially in contrast with her super-uncool aunt, Larry's sister). And if Miranda was with me, she wasn't standing in front of her ex-boyfriend's apartment building at one in the morning, staring up at his windows and wondering if he was in bed with someone else. I had no doubt he was; Miranda held out hope.

Rewind to fifteen minutes ago, when Larry and Amelia returned from the parade.

"We're back!" my daughter called as she and Larry hung up their jackets in the hall closet.

"How dare you!" my husband's mother snapped, hands on hips. "I came all the way into the city on the busiest travel day of the year, and my only grandchild is nowhere to be found for two hours!"

My mother-in-law, who lived ten miles away and dressed in fuchsia sequins as though she were headed for the opera and not the casual afternoon dinner we always had, was placated in seconds by the World's Best Preteen with a few hugs and kisses.

The female relatives helped me set the table and lay out platters and bowls of the delicious basicsgarlic mashed potatoes and baked sweet potatoes, two kinds of stuffing, cranberry sauce, creamed corn and three kinds of South Beach Dietapproved side dishes for Larry, who'd started four days ago (why not wait till after Thanksgiving?), plus two pies, pumpkin and apple. The male relatives, on the other hand, sat on their b.u.t.ts, talking about the Yankees.

Amelia put her hands on her hips and yelled, "Hey, why are only the women doing the work? This isn't the twentieth century, you know!"

"Trust me, it'll be the same when you get married," my mother-in-law said in her most world-weary tone as she heaped mashed potatoes into a serving bowl.

If you were looking for one word to describe Marian Masterson, Milton scholar, cynical would do.

Larry scooped Amelia into a hug. "Amelia May Masterson, you are absolutely right. And I hope and pray that your grandmother is wrong. Your mom is senior editor of New York Times bestsellers, and she works just as hard as I do, so there's no reason why I shouldn't be helping with the setting up and serving too. Or why any of you lazy b.u.ms shouldn't be helping," he called out with a raised eyebrow at the male relatives.

Ah, Larry, I may not see you much, but I always remember why I married you.

"Okay, everyone, come and get it!" I announced, setting down the scrumptious-looking twenty-five-pound turkey on the dining-room table in front of Larry's seat, as he was "family carver."

Everyone sat, sipped their sodas and began pa.s.sing around side dishes.

"WHAT THE h.e.l.l IS THIS?" aforementioned wonderful husband bellowed.

Conversation stopped. Heads turned. Eyes swung to Larry.

What was wrong? Had a morsel of stuffing or the bowl of mashed potatoes accidentally brushed up against the turkey platter? Larry was taking his new diet very seriously, so I had basted the turkey with fat-free, sugar-free, carb-free, everything-free "oil" spray. Turkey sans skin and a few of the side dishes were about all he could eat. I put the turkey platter in front of his place setting and let it block all the delicious foods that he couldn't eat.

Larry stood at the head of the table, staring at his empty plate. His very attractive holiday-themed heavyweight orange paper plate, decorated with tiny turkeys along the rim. Why spend the wee hours sc.r.a.ping food off the good china when there were gorgeous paper plates that could just be tossed into the trash?

"Duh, Daddy," Amelia said. "It's a plate."

"Larry, what's wrong?" I interrupted, able to spot steam coming out of my husband's ears at first smoke.

My husband, my completely normal (until that moment) husband, suddenly flung the plate into the air, then pushed the turkey platter off the table with all his might, which was considerable, given that he was six feet and well over two hundred pounds. The turkey went flying, knocking the bowl of garlic mashed potatoes upside down (of course) onto Larry's mother's lap, and the cranberry sauce onto the salmon walls of the dining room, blending in quite well, actually.

"Paper plates!" he yelled. "And plastic cups?" He grabbed a faux highball gla.s.s and waved it at me. "Are you KIDDING me? It's a HOLIDAY, for G.o.d's sake! How G.o.dd.a.m.ned tacky is this!"

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What the h.e.l.l?

"Your husband has the maturity and self-control of a four-year-old," my aunt Dinah whispered to me, shaking her head. "In all my years of marriage, your uncle Saul never once pushed food off a table."

"That would explain why Uncle Saul was three hundred pounds," my sister whispered to Amelia with a wink.

"I had a three-hundred-pound uncle?" Amelia yelped, eyes and mouth open wide. "OmiG.o.d!"

Aunt Dinah smacked her lips. "He was a big man, but healthy as a horse."

"Healthy men aren't huge!" Larry shouted at my aunt, throwing his arms up in the air.

I'd fought against crazy my entire life, but here we were, a bunch of nutcases. All of us. Larry, clearly, and myself surely, since I'd married a lunatic, but the entire family too. At the momentthis turkey-on-the-floor-instead-of-on-our-paper-plates momentLarry's parents were whispering between themselves, most likely about how they only used paper plates at barbecues. Larry's sister was freshening her lipstick, which wasn't so crazy, actually, since there was no food to ruin her glossy red mouth. My aunt Dinah was ruminating to no one in particular about the appeal of large men. And Larry's grandparents, hard of hearing and of eyesight, were waving me over.

I bent down next to Grannie Ellie. "It's okay, Ellie. We're"

"Dear," she interrupted, "Albert and I prefer dark meat. A thigh or a drumstick."

I smiled and patted Grannie Ellie's hand. "Why don't you start with a delicious baked sweet potato?"

As I forked a sweet potato onto each of their plates, I realized the only uncrazy person in the room was a twelve-year-old. Amelia was looking at her father as though he had seven heads.

"Are you totally insane?" Amelia screeched at him, hands on hips. "What are we supposed to eat now, Daddy?"

Good question. Even Harry, our cat, sniffed at the turkey and rejected it.

Larry covered his face with his hands and sank dramatically onto his chair. Then he reached into his pocket, withdrew his wallet and placed five one-hundred-dollar bills on the table along with his Visa card. "Lucy," he said to me, "take everyone out for dinner."

Sure. No problem. A table for eleventen minus King Nutcaseat a moment's notice on Thanksgiving at four o'clock in Manhattan.

I don't think so.

"So, are you seeing anyone special, Miranda?" Larry's mother asked as though we'd given our thanks, heaped our plates full of turkey and all the tr.i.m.m.i.n.gs and had begun small-talk h.e.l.l. And as though she weren't busy removing gobs of mashed potatoes off her lap.

"I'm developing a very close relationship with the guy who takes the delivery orders at Wan Fu," Miranda said, dabbing at a glob of cranberry sauce on her sleeve. "In fact, why don't we call him now and order takeout for elevenmake that ten," she added, glaring at Larry.

"It's just the bottom of the turkey that hit the floorthe rug, really," Larry's mother said, bending down and scooping up the turkey with a fork in each end. She picked up the platter, called Harry to come eat the potatoes and carrots that had landed all over the floor, despite the fact that Harry was a) a cat and b) not a vegetarian like herself, and then put the turkey back on the platter. It's fine," she added, as though she'd be the first to dig in.

"I'm not eating a dirty turkey!" Amelia yelped. "Harry pees on that rug! Daddy, what is wrong with you! You wouldn't let me get a pretzel at the parade so I could save my appet.i.te, and now I'm starving!"

"Let's just sit down and eat," Larry's father declared, as though his son had spent his formative years pushing turkeys off tables. "The turkey is fine."

"Neither turkey is fine," I heard Miranda whisper to no one in particular as she eyed my husband.

"Larry, I'd like to speak to you in the kitchen," I said through gritted teeth.

He sulked his way through the swinging white doors and stood in front of the refrigerator. As I followed him in, I had a sudden urge to shove him inside the freezer.

"Amelia had the right question. What is wrong with you?" I asked. "What the h.e.l.l was that about?"

"Paper plates?" he said, wrinkling his face in disgust. "Plastic cups? It's f.u.c.king Thanksgiving. We have company."

"We can hear you!" trilled Larry's mother. "And there are children present!"

Larry rolled his eyes and continued sulking.

"Are you insane?" I asked.

He rolled his eyes. "Oh, that's a very mature response. What you should be saying is, 'I screwed up.'"

My mouth dropped open. "How dare you? Who the h.e.l.l do you think you are?"

"I think I'm a very busy doctor who delivered three babies last week and performed four amnios and had G.o.d knows how many emergencies. I didn't think I needed to supervise the setting of the table too. Can you imagine how embarra.s.sing it would have been if a friend or colleague had stopped by? Paper products at Thanksgiving dinner!" He shook his head and closed his eyes. "You probably set out paper napkins, too, instead of cloth." Again with the head shaking.

I stared at him, waiting for the Pod person to shrivel up and normal Larry to return. Wasn't happening.

"Do you know what I am, Larry? I'm a very busy working mother and wife who cooked this entire meal by myself despite my own emergencies at work. Despite my working late every night for the past six weeks so that I get the promotion to executive editor that I want so badly. Despite my helping Amelia with her science-fair project and attending her modern-dance recital alone, taking your grandmother to her doctor's appointment and buying holiday gifts for your office staff! And I also spent time choosing very nice, heavyweight, holiday-themed paper plates and plastic faux highball gla.s.ses so that I could entertain instead of clean. If that's not good enough for you, then next year, you handle the dishes."