"Lacking in what?" he said, and he looked so bewildered she almost smiled.

"In myself, Jonathan. I know ..." She faltered, took a breath, started again. "I know I'm not particularly ... sexy. I know that very well. I mean, I like sex, of course ..."

"And why do you say 'of course'?" he said. "It's not compulsory, you know, liking it."

"What do you mean?" she said, staring at him in astonishment. "Of course it is; it's part of a marriage, part of loving someone."

"And did you really see it as part of loving me?"

"Of course I did"-and she was shouting now-"of course I saw it as that. It was so precious to me; it was ours, and no one else's, what we shared, only between us. Now it's not anymore; it's hers; she's taken it, or rather you've given it; it's gone; it's gone forever and no one can bring it back."

He was absolutely silent, looking at her with a dreadful sadness in his eyes; then he said, "Well, it seems we are done for, then. We can't be as we were again, can we?"

"No," she said, "no, we can't. Never. Never."

"Well ... in that case, maybe I should go again. But I want to say a few things first. That really need saying. I did love you. So very, very much. I do love you very, very much. You are the centre of my life and the centre of our family. I can't contemplate life without you, Laura. Oh, that's not some idle suicidal threat; it's true. Of course I'd go on living, but I'd be changed. I'd be lost. I'd be pathetic, useless, dysfunctional."

"Don't be ridiculous. You'd be just fine. Still the successful, attractive, wonderful Jonathan Gilliatt."

"Laura, I wouldn't. I'm only those things because I have you. I'd be anxious; I'd lose confidence, judgment. God in heaven, that happened even when I was living away for those few weeks. I dithered, I took second opinions, I did what others said instead of what I knew was right, I didn't even know what was right anymore. I made one appalling mistake-I didn't tell you about it, and you wouldn't have cared, I should think, given the circumstances-but I missed a cord presentation ... You know what that is?"

"The baby's head pressing on the cord?"

"Exactly. How often I must have bored you with these technical details. Anyway, the baby nearly died; could so well have been brain damaged. And I missed it, because I was so wretched, so ... so lost. And deservedly so, no doubt you would say. But ... well, that is how dependent on you I am. I'm nothing without you, Laura, nothing at all."

She was silent.

"I'm talking professionally, of course, but it extends to everything. The charming, attractive Jonathan Gilliatt, as you call him, is a pathetically different chap on his own ..."

"Jonathan, this is all very touching, but if I'm so important to you, why risk losing me? Why start an affair with someone else? It doesn't quite add up. Sorry."

"I know that. Of course I do. It was insanity. It was dangerous insanity. And I had never done anything like it before, and I never would again. And I know you don't believe me when I tell you it was over, that I'd finished with her that day, but it's true. But ... haven't you ever, in your perfectly controlled, beautifully behaved life, Laura, done anything remotely wrong? Or dangerous? Haven't you ever been tempted to kick over the traces? Oh, not to have an affair, but ... I don't know, spend too much and lie to me about it, or take a day off from cooking and buy a ready meal for the children, or go back to bed or spend the day with your girlfriends and not do any work, or not help with the homework, or ..."

"No," she said, after a few moments' thought, "no, I haven't."

"Well, then," he said, and he almost smiled, "there you have it, perhaps."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, it's quite ... tough being married to you."

"Jonathan, I devote my entire life to you. To doing what you want, going where you want me to be. It's me it's tough for, I'd say. Not you."

"No," he said. "Well, it may be. But that's why-I think-I had this affair with Abi Scott. I'm trying to be honest now. Because she was bad quite a lot of the time. She wasn't perfect. She was certainly less perfect than me. She's greedy and amoral and she tells lies, all the time; I didn't have to live up to her. And I have to say, I treated her very badly."

"Oh, my heart bleeds for her. I'm so sorry."

"I am sorry ... actually. I should have shown her some consideration, after the crash. It was a trauma for her, as well, a dreadful one. And what did I do? I was so shit scared of you finding out about her that I threatened her ..."

"You what?" She was shocked by that.

"I threatened her. I told her if the didn't go along with my story that she was a work colleague, I'd tell the police about her drug habit. Not nice behaviour."

"No. Not really. But ..."

"But it was for you. I was so terrified of you finding out-not because you'd be angry, which you'd have every right to be, but because you'd be desperately hurt-that I bullied her. Harassed her ruthlessly. The irony is that if I'd been a bit nicer to her, she probably wouldn't have turned up here that night. At my party. I was a complete shit. I am a complete shit. Oh, God ..."

He looked at her, and she could see tears in his eyes. He brushed them away.

"But, Jonathan," she said, "I can't be what I'm not. I'm me. I can't start being lazy or extravagant, or neglecting the children. Just so that you don't have to live up to me, as you put it. It's crazy; you're talking rubbish. Self-indulgent rubbish."

"It may be self-indulgent," he said, "but it isn't rubbish. Everyone's so fucking envious of me. Or was. 'Lucky chap,' they used to say, 'being married to Laura; wish my wife was more like Laura.' God, Mark never stopped going on about it, and how Serena never let him get away with anything, how wonderful you were ... You remember that song, that music hall song, 'She's Only a Bird in a Gilded Cage'? I felt like a bird in a gilded cage, and I flew out of it ... just once, once for the hell of it. Or so I thought. Fate trapped me, shut the door behind me, and I'll never be back in it now, and it serves me right."

She said nothing, trying to make sense of what he was saying.

He stood up now, in front of her, staring down into her eyes. "I guess that's it by way of explanation. I have never regretted anything more. I would give everything I have-everything except you and the children-to alter it. But I can't. As I said to Charlie in the hospital, you have to live with what you've done. There's no alternative. It's hardly a justification, I know, but-"

"No," she said, "it isn't."

"Well, that's my swan song. I'll go, Laura. Don't worry. Or if you'd prefer it, I'll stay here, for the sake of the children, carry on pretending. I'm not sure they could face losing me again. That's not meant to be emotional blackmail; it's a fact. But I won't ask anything of you, anything at all. And when they're older, maybe we can get divorced. It's up to you. Whatever you want. It's the least I can do for you. To make amends. I only ask one thing: that you try to believe how much I love you."

"I'll try," she said after a very long time. "I really will try. And ... don't go, Jonathan. You're right. The children couldn't bear it."

She wasn't sure she would be able to bear it herself. But she really wasn't ready to say that.

CHAPTER 51

Michael Andrews always said the most important quality a coroner should possess was courtesy. And indeed, he had never come across one who didn't. It was important for all concerned: for the relatives of the deceased, of course, still grieving, often disappointed that there was to be no criminal trial, so that they might find retribution for the death of their loved ones, and at least anxious to establish the truth; for the police who had worked so hard to establish that truth and whose evidence, often rather ponderous, must be heard in full, that the hard work might be justified; for the witnesses, often distressed themselves, always nervous; and of course for the coroner's office staff, so at pains to be courteous themselves, to put people at ease, to ensure that proceedings ran smoothly and as swiftly as possible.

The inquest he was to conduct the following week, on the people who had died in the M4 crash the previous August, would be long, possibly running over two days. There were three deceased, and many witnesses; the crash had been complex and high-profile. It would test his skills considerably, and he would need to prepare for it with great care. crash the previous August, would be long, possibly running over two days. There were three deceased, and many witnesses; the crash had been complex and high-profile. It would test his skills considerably, and he would need to prepare for it with great care.

Since it was to be so large, and with so many attendees, it was to be held in the council chambers at the county court, rather than in one of the committee rooms; in a way people preferred that; they felt the deaths of the loved ones was being considered a matter of some importance, accorded proper dignity. The other thing about inquests, of course, was that they differed from criminal enquiries in that all the witnesses heard all the evidence. It gave a sense of greater openness and fairness, and it meant those involved could more easily see any concerns laid properly to rest.

There would be lawyers present, of course, because of insurance issues, and several doctors. One of the doctors, Dr. Jonathan Gilliatt, would be giving evidence on two counts: his own involvement in the crash, and his professional observations of the injured and deceased.

It would be wrong, Michael Andrews supposed, to say he was looking forward to the inquest-it would be both gruelling and sad-but it did promise to be what he privately called a yardstick, one by which he would judge and compare others.

His wife, Susan, was prepared for a somewhat solitary weekend.

"All rise."

Michael Andrews liked this moment, as he walked into the court: not from any delusions of grandeur, but because it was an acknowledgement of his authority and through him the court's.

He sat in the council chamber on a high dais, flanked by his clerk and coroner's officer. The public sat before him, the seats ranged amphitheatre style, and banking up towards the back of the chamber; the witness table-also slightly raised and complete with microphone and Bible-was to his left.

He began as he always did: by welcoming everyone, by explaining the purpose of the inquest. "We are here to answer four questions: who the deceased were, and when, where, and how they came to their deaths. It is not to establish any blame, and no charges will be brought as a result." He paused. "Three of the four answers are straightforward. The fourth, establishing by what means death arose, is the main purpose of this inquest. The families, if they wish, may ask relevant questions."

The families, sitting together in their prescribed area, all looked at one another and then nervously about them. He knew from experience that it was likely at least one of them would ask questions, probably of the pathologist. He also knew what the first question, at least, was likely to be: would the victim have suffered at all?

He named the deceased and described them briefly: their ages, their status, where they lived-the young girl, Sarah Tomkins, the minibus driver, Edward Barnes, the young mother, Jennifer Marks.

He called the pathologist, Dr. Paul Jackson from St. Marks Hospital, who had carried out the postmortems on the deceased and asked him to take the oath. People were very respectful of the oath; they spoke it clearly and audibly, even if they became less so as they gave their evidence. And it reassured the relatives further, he knew: that no one was going to lie, to prevaricate; they were going to hear, finally, exactly what had happened to cause the deaths of those they loved.

Dr. Jackson gave his evidence: the awful bald facts, the exact cause in each case of the deaths. The mother of the young girl began to cry; the husband blew his nose hard and repeatedly. Andrews asked if there were any questions: the wife of the minibus driver, a middle-aged woman, her face pale and etched with strain, said, "I would like to ask a question. In your opinion, Doctor," she said, speaking to the pathologist, "would my husband have suffered at all?"

"I think I can state quite categorically," Dr. Jackson said, "that he would not. It is my professional opinion that all three would have died instantly."

"Thank you," said the woman. The others looked at her and half smiled; Sarah's mother said, her voice shaky with nerves and emotion, "I was going to ask the same thing. But I wondered if whoever found my daughter-I believe it was another doctor-would have agreed."

"We shall come to that evidence a little later," said Andrews, "and you will be free to speak to the gentleman in question-who was indeed a doctor-then."

The police evidence describing the background of the victims, how they had come to be on the road that afternoon, followed: the always tragic accounts of lives ended too soon. They were rich in cliches: "a devoted and selfless mother,"

"a lively, popular, and clever daughter," "a loving and generous grandfather." He hated the cliches, but they seemed de rigueur; they were what people told the police and, in any case, undoubtedly comforted the families.

He called Dr. Alexander Pritchard, the A&E consultant at St. Marks, to describe what medical procedures, if any, were carried out on the victims. Pritchard, who, like the pathologist, had clearly given evidence at many inquests before this one, spoke straightforwardly and with equal and careful tact: no procedures were carried out, the victims were all dead on arrival, and neither basic nor intensive life-support techniques were indicated. He added that in his opinion also, the deaths would all have been instantaneous.

Nice man, Andrews thought: an old-fashioned doctor of the best kind.

The inquest machinery ground on.

A large sheaf of photographs of the crash, taken from every angle, with relevant vehicles and trajectories painstakingly marked, were handed out to everyone. A description of the crash was given by Inspector Greg Dixon; he said people were for the most part very calm and helpful and that he would like to pay tribute to the courage of a doctor on the scene, "Mr. Jonathan Gilliatt, who worked tirelessly among the injured for many hours, and cared for a woman who had gone into premature labour, reassuring her and monitoring her condition until the ambulance arrived. He also most courageously climbed up into the lorry to turn the ignition off."

Andrews asked for the forensic evidence; it was complex and highly technical, as it always was. Clearly the cause of the whole thing had been the wheel nut shattering the lorry's windscreen; there was also considerable detail about a car two behind the lorry, which had apparently had a blowout, and caused considerable further damage, and which had had a large rusty nail in one of its tyres that would certainly have contributed to, if not caused, the blowout.

Michael Andrews called Sergeant Freeman to present the police evidence. He liked and respected Freeman; he had heard evidence from him many times. He had a certain lack of humour, and he tended to be rather self-important, but was inordinately thorough, incredibly hardworking, and he presented his evidence with great clarity. It took almost half an hour; at the end of it, Andrews was already tired, and it was only eleven. The concentration required by these big cases was exhausting; it never ceased to surprise him. He called a break for fifteen minutes, and sank gratefully into the peace of his own room, a huge mug of strong, sweet coffee supplied by his staff. He worried sometimes that at the age of fifty he was getting a bit old for this game, and then reminded himself that he had found inquests tough at thirty.

Patrick Connell had obviously once been a big man, Andrews thought, watching him as he came to the witness stand; he was tall, but frail, and walked leaning on two sticks and with a heavy limp. He asked him if he would like to sit down to give his evidence; Connell said he would rather stand, but halfway through what was obviously a gruelling experience, he was forced to give in and sit.

"Now, Mr. Connell, tell us about your recollections, as far as you can remember. We have heard you suffered memory loss, but anything you can tell us will be important."

The evidence was faltering, faulty indeed; Connell had no real memory of the aftermath of the crash before he reached the hospital, and indeed very little of the next few days; memory had begun to return, but only in fragments. "It was a very disturbing time, sir, as you can imagine, I'm sure."

"Indeed. Now ... you weren't feeling sleepy beforehand? It says in your statement, if I might remind you again, that you had been to see your doctor about this tendency of yours to feel sleepy on the road. Remember you are under oath."

A hesitation; he could feel the lawyers stiffen.

"I had been, sir, yes. About half an hour earlier. But I'd stopped for a coffee, and I was eating sweets, jelly babies-they're my life-savers, odd though it may sound to you, sir-and I was talking to my passenger immediately before the crash; I do remember that very clearly ..."

He had gained confidence now; he gave a clearly honest description of blame-free driving, within the speed limit, of the other vehicles, of the E-Type ahead of him, "just pulling ahead ... He was driving very nicely, as a matter of fact."

"I'm pleased to hear it ... and may I say how pleased I am also that you have made such a good recovery, Mr. Connell, from your injuries. You may step down."

"Thank you, sir."

Andrews asked for Connell's passenger next: he looked at her as she took the stand, tiny, pretty little thing, clearly absolutely terrified, and asked her very gently to take the oath. Her hand shook as she held the card; he wondered how good a witness she would be.

But she was very good: calm and clear describing how one moment everything had seemed perfectly fine, nobody speeding, nobody cutting across anybody, and then how the windscreen had so suddenly shattered. "It was terrifying. Like being in a thick fog. And then somehow, we stopped and we were in the middle of all this ... this chaos."

"How long would you say it was before you felt the lorry veer over across the lanes of the motorway?"

"Oh ... it all happened so slowly. It seemed like hours; I suppose it couldn't have been more than ... what, ten seconds. And then quite quickly there was this terrible, awful noise and horns going and brakes screaming and then we ... we stopped."

"Yes. I don't think we need to go over the next few minutes; your statement was very clear, and it must have been very traumatic for you."

He felt bound, driven by personal curiosity as much as professional, to ask her why she left the scene of the crash.

"I don't know," she said simply. "I wish I did, and I'm terribly ashamed of it. But I can't explain it; I really can't. I suppose I panicked. I remember thinking that if I got away, left the accident, it would be all right-no one would know I'd been there. I could just ... just forget about it. It was so horrible, all the injured people especially-Patrick ... Mr. Connell-and the wrecked cars, and people shouting and screaming. I felt I ... well, I had to get away."

"So you walked quite a long way, you say, and then hitched another lift and went home to Cardiff?"

"Yes, that's right. And then I sort of managed to persuade myself that it hadn't happened. Or rather that I hadn't been there. That it was nothing to do with me. And the more time passed, the more impossible it got to admit. Until there were stories in the press, implying that Patrick-Mr. Connell-had gone to sleep."

She started to cry; Michael Andrews waited patiently, then said, "Try not to feel too distressed, Miss Linley We all make mistakes and do things we can't explain. I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Connell are most grateful that you told your story when you did."

"Yes. Thank you. And we have become good friends now. But only because they're so good; they've been so forgiving."

Andrews found himself rather taken by her; he thanked her for all her evidence, and then asked her if she had managed to get the part she'd been auditioning for. He did that sometimes, ventured into the personal or lighthearted where he felt it would help the atmosphere. Georgia said she had, and added that it would be shown on Channel Four in the spring.

"I have to tell you, Miss Linley," he said, "commercial advertising is not normally allowed in the courtroom. However, I will make an exception in this case."

He heard the evidence of Jack Bryant, the owner of the E-Type. He couldn't think who he reminded him of, and then realised; he was a dead ringer for that Nigel Havers character, the Charmer, the same smooth dress style, the same confident public-school manner. Andrews was about to dislike him, when he said right at the beginning of his evidence, after taking the oath, "I feel absolutely ghastly about this. Terrible. The whole thing could be said to be my fault ..."

"Mr. Bryant," said Andrews, "as I said at the beginning, we are not here to establish blame. Merely to find out what happened. Now, we have heard it was one of your wheel nuts that flew off and shattered the windscreen of Mr. Connell's lorry; can you tell us how you think this could have happened?"

"No," said Bryant, "I really can't. I checked them all really carefully-my mechanic will second that-before I set out. I was going to Scotland, long way, for a bit of shooting, and I wanted everything to be as safe as possible."

"Indeed. And you weren't speeding at all?"

"No, I most definitely was not. Chance'd be a fine thing, in that car. Very beautiful, but not much of a goer these days. She's an old lady, bit past her prime ..."

Every inquest has its turning point; this one was provided by one of the experts at the police Forensics department.

"Thing is, you can overtighten those old nuts. One turn too far and it can break the thread-in our opinion, and on examining the car when it came into our possession, that's what happened."

Andrews looked at Bryant; he was visibly limp with relief. And then at the families: it was the kind of thing that was in a way most painful, the fatal event that was still an accident, an act that had killed, but made in good faith. He was not surprised to see them all sitting up very straight suddenly, their faces taut, and, in the case of the young girl's mother, already in tears ...

The morning moved on. He heard some excellent evidence given by a young man, William Grainger, a farmer whose land bordered the M4: clear, concise, very helpful. Some more, very painful to hear, from the husband of the young mother who had been killed. They broke for lunch after this; Andrews felt he was not the only one who needed it.

In the afternoon Jonathan Gilliatt took the stand; now here was a smoothie, Andrews thought-even if he was a hero ... Very self-confident he'd be, his evidence very well presented.

He was wrong; and it was not.