Its fleece, like the linen-spread table, Was snow-white: the lambkin was prized And kept from the sheep in the stable Who never were deodorized.

The lamb had a yearning for knowledge, And schoolward would follow the la.s.s Till she was admitted to college, A graduate out of his cla.s.s.

Then sheep-eyes were made by the teacher, And Mary was quick to decide 'Twixt him and the poor, woolly creature Who made lambentations and died.

She married her Teacher,--a lesson!

Dyspeptic and old, he's a fright!

Her thoughts fail of fitting expression, So she lams her own kids just for spite.

She looks at her spouse with deep loathing, And sighs for her dead quadruped, And wishes the "wolf in sheep's clothing"--

Her husband, were dead in his stead.

Alas, la.s.s! You've forded the ferry; Your tombstone was graven for two; The lamb, chiseled there, stands for Mary, And the _Old English_ MARY for yew.

The lamb reached the end of his tether When Mary ascended on High, But surely, in spite of the wether, They'll meet in the Sweet Bye-and-Bye.

I SHOT AN ARROW

I shot an arrow: how it sang!

It was a poisoned arrow!

And when it turned, a boomerang, It chilled me to the marrow.

I know not where the arrow struck, And care but little whether It came straight back or ran amuck Upon the near-by heather.

But _this_ I know; however fast The arrow homeward scurried, My getaway was unsurpa.s.sed-- For, Goodness, how I hurried!

FIXING THE BLAME

The almost-King of Verdun, still uncrowned, Wearied of _driving_, walked the ramparts 'round To see his father, Mr. William Kaiser, Who was to him an Oracle and wiser.

"O Sire! Inform me! Tell your first-born son, Who caused the War, and why it was begun?

Who slipped the leash, and what was the excuse For turning Europe's rabid War Dogs loose?

Did you? Or was it Cousin George, or Nick Who stacked the cards and played the dirty trick?

Or was it Joe, or Ferdinand, or Grey Who sawed the bridge and pulled the props away?"

"My Son, I swear by all the periscopes And Zeppelins to which I pin my hopes; By all the Ocean Sharks and Bats a-sky, By Gott-in-Himmel! As I hope to die, _I'm_ not to blame! I didn't use the spurs, Or try to overwork Geographers!

I fought for Peace, and ne'er defiance hurled, Altho' the Fatherland _should_ rule the world.

But here's the truth: a secret I'll disclose!

A stranger 'twas who made us come to blows!

It happened thus: a mighty Nimrod came From Afric wilds, where he had played the game Until his cudgel bore a hundred nicks, (A record this for all Prodigious Sticks) To Germany. No p.u.s.s.yfoot was his, But there was courage in his n.o.bel phiz; And in his stride were energy and grace Enough to make the goose-step commonplace.

I took him to my Palace, as my guest, And poured libations from the cellar's _best_, (He was a _certified_ non-drinker--See?

So just accord this proper secrecy!) And then arranged to hold a Grand Review Of all my Armies and Reservists too.

'De-lighted!' said my guest, and nothing more, As we reviewed my legions corps by corps; But this blunt comment signified his zeal, And so I mobilized my fleet at Kiel; And on my Royal Yacht, my guest and I Watched the maneuvres as my ships pa.s.sed by.

'De-lighted, Bill!' the Hardy Hunter shouted-- 'With such a fleet I'd have the whole world routed; And with your armies I would soon disperse The Fighting Units of the Universe!'

Such praise was pleasing to my ears, altho My Wasps and Devil-fish I didn't show: I deemed it best to _meld_ this 'hundred aces'

When all my ships and men were in their places.

Had he seen _these_, I knew he would advise The conquest of the Earth and Seas and Skies: But, Shades of Bismarck! _that_, you understand Might prove a strain upon the Fatherland.

And so I kept the Peace, but thought about The many martial plans we figured out; And how the cost of my Frontier Defences Compared with his proposed campaign expenses.

You see, Mein Heir, this man was full of guile And caused the War: this Bey of Oyster Isle.

He hypnotized me: put it in my mind To be the Potentate of all Mankind!

So blame me not! The fault I must disown, And put the guilt on Theodore alone!

Whatever comes anon, I'm not whipped yet!

And with it all, I have but one regret-- That _he_ was not impressed to lead my drive To Petersburg to take the Czar alive; And then, a Marshal, ordered to Paree To capture it and bring it back to me; Then take my fleet, the English Channel over And put King George to rout and bombard Dover; And then supplant the Sultan, take his Fez And lead my peerless Forces to Suez.

While _you_ have failed, and Hindenburg and Mack, _He_ never fizzles when he makes attack.

See what I've missed! for, _see what he has done_!

And yet his vast campaign is just begun.

He leads his Legions, Bull Moose, Calf and Cow To capture a Convention _even now_."

An orderly approached the Royal Pair Just at this stage and left despatches there.

He stood at close attention, hand to head, While this absorbing cablegram was read-- "Outflanked and captured; resignation tendered; Mooses dehorned and all the herd surrendered!

Am looking for another job already,-- Would take the German Presidency--Teddy."

The Kaiser turned, looked at the Prince and wept, While noxious gases o'er the bulwarks crept.

LOVE'S RECOMPENSE

"Do you really, truly love me, with a love that mocks at Fate?"

Cried the rustic, buxom maiden to her lover at the gate; "Yes, my Pet! And when Dame Fortune smiles upon us we will wed; I will strew your path with roses: Bear me witness, G.o.ds o'erhead!"

Thus he spake unto his sweetheart, under Heaven's starry blue, And the angels, smiling on him, heard his vow to "e'er be true."

Then he placed his arms around her--kissed her: they were in a trance!

And two _soles_ toward Heav'n were lifted as the bulldog grabbed his pants.

ADAM'S ALE

Come, Comrades, gather 'round the festal board And quaff the sparkling Water from the gourd!

_This_ is the drink that Adam's Tribe imbibed Before the Wines of Gath were diatribed.

(Methinks some other brand was drunk by Cain The day that Abel ruthlessly was slain.) And won, against all other potions there, The First White Ribbon at the Gaza Fair.

You'll never know, until you take a sip Its power to soothe, and cool the fevered lip.

Had Noah _stuck to_ water he would shine As undisputed Master of the Brine.

The Water-wagon that he launched, at first Steered Noah straight but didn't cure his thirst: So when he _spoke_ the Ararat Cafe He soon fell off,--his rudder washed away.

But wallward turn the picture you're beholding And hang more cheerful paintings on the moulding!