ART of POLITICKS,

In IMITATION of

_HORACE_'s

ART of POETRY.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

_LONDON_:

Printed for LAWTON GILLIVER, at _Homer_'s _Head_ against St. _Dunstan_'s Church in _Fleet-Street_.

MDCCXXIX.

THE

ART of POLITICKS,

In IMITATION of

_HORACE_'s

ART of POETRY.

[1]

[Ill.u.s.tration]

If to a Human Face Sir _James_ should draw A Gelding's Mane, and Feathers of Maccaw, A Lady's Bosom, and a Tail of Cod, Who could help laughing at a Sight so odd?

Just such a Monster, Sirs, pray think before ye, When you behold one Man both _Whig_ and _Tory_.

Not more extravagant are Drunkard's Dreams, Than _Low-Church_ Politicks with _High-Church_ Schemes.

Painters, you'll say, may their own Fancies use, And Freeborn _Britons_ may their _Party_ chuse; That's true, I own: but can one Piece be drawn For Dove and Dragon, Elephant and Fawn?

[2] Speakers profess'd, who Gravity pretend,) With motley Sentiments their Speeches blend:) Begin like Patriots, and like Courtiers end.) Some love to roar, _the Const.i.tution's broke_, And others on the _Nation's Debts_ to joke; Some rail, (they hate a Commonwealth so much,) What e'er the Subject be, against the _Dutch_; While others, with more fashionable Fury, Begin with _Turnpikes_, and conclude with _Fleury_; Some, when th' Affair was _Blenheim_'s glorious Battle, Declaim'd against importing _Irish Cattle_.

But you, from what e'er Side you take your Name, Like _Anna_'s _Motto_, always be the same.

[3] Outsides deceive, 'tis hard the Truth to know;) _Parties_ from quaint Denominations flow,) As _Scotch_ and _Irish_ Antiquaries show.) The _Low_ are said to take Fanaticks Parts, The _High_ are b.l.o.o.d.y _Papists_ in their Hearts.

Caution and Fear to highest Faults have run; In pleasing both the Parties, you please none.

Who in the _House_ affects declaiming Airs, _Whales_ in _Change-Alley_ paints: in _Fish-Street, Bears_.

Some Metaphors, some Handkerchiefs display;) These peep in Hats, while those with b.u.t.tons play,) And make me think it _Repet.i.tion-Day_;) There Knights haranguing hug a neighb'ring Post, And are but _Quorum_ Orators at most.

Sooner than thus my want of Sense expose,) I'd deck out Bandy-Legs with Gold-Clock't Hose,) Or wear a Toupet-Wig without a Nose.) Nay, I would sooner have thy Phyz, I swear, _Surintendant des Plaisirs d' Angleterre_[P].

[4] Ye _Weekly Writers_ of seditious _News_, Take Care your _Subjects_ artfully to chuse, Write _Panegyrick_ strong, or boldly _rail_, You cannot miss _Preferment_, or a _Goal_.

Wrap up your Poison well, nor fear to say What was a Lye last Night is Truth to Day; Tell this, sink that, arrive at _Ridpath_'s Praise, Let _Abel Roper_ your Ambition raise.

To Lye fit Opportunity observe, Saving some double Meaning in reserve; But oh, you'll merit everlasting Fame, If you can quibble on Sir _Robert_'s Name.

In _State-Affairs_ use not the Vulgar Phrase, Talk Words scarce known in good Queen _Besse_'s days.

New Terms let War or Traffick introduce, And try to bring _Persuading Ships_ in Use.

Coin Words: in coining ne'er mind common Sense, Provided the Original be _French_.

[5] Like _South-Sea Stock_, Expressions rise and fall: King _Edward_'s Words are now no Words at all.

Did ought your Predecessors Genius cramp?

Sure ev'ry Reign may have it's proper Stamp.

All Sublunary things of Death partake; What Alteration does a Cent'ry make?

Kings and Comedians all are mortal found, _Caesar_ and _Pinkethman_ are under Ground.

What's not destroy'd by Times devouring Hand?

Where's _Troy_, and where's the _May-Pole_ in the _Strand_?

Pease, Cabbages, and Turnips once grew, where Now stands new _Bond-street_, and a newer Square; Such Piles of Buildings now rise up and down; London itself seems going out of _Town_.

Our Fathers cross'd from _Fulham_ in a Wherry, Their Sons enjoy a Bridge at _Putney-Ferry_.

Think we that modern Words eternal are?

_Toupet_, and _Tompion_, _Cosins_, and _Colmar_ Hereafter will be call'd by some plain Man A _Wig_, a _Watch_, a _Pair of Stays_, a _Fan_.

To Things themselves if Time such change affords, Can there be any trusting to our Words.

[6] To screen good Ministers from Publick rage,) And how with Party Madness to engage,) We learn from _Addison_'s immortal Page.) The _Jacobite_'s ridiculous Opinion Is seen from _Tickel_'s Letter to _Avignon_.

But who puts _Caleb_'s _Country-Craftsman_ out, Is still a secret, and the World's in doubt.

[7] Not long since _Parish-Clerks_, with saucy airs, Apply'd _King David_'s _Psalms_ to _State-Affairs_.

Some certain _Tunes_ to Politicks belong, On both Sides Drunkards love a Party-Song.

[8] If full a-cross the Speaker's Chair I go, Can I be said the _Rules_ o'th' _House_ to know?

I'll ask, nor give offence without intent, Nor through meer Sheepishness be impudent.

[9] In _Acts of Parliament_ avoid Sublime, Nor e'er Address his Majesty in Rhime; An _Act of Parliament_'s a serious thing, Begins with Year of Lord and Year of King; Keeps close to Form, in every word is strict, When it would _Pains_ and _Penalties_ inflict.

Soft Words suit best _Pet.i.tioners_ intent; Soft Words, O ye _Pet.i.tioners_ of Kent!

[10] Who e'er harangues before he gives his Vote, Should send sweet Language from a tuneful Throat.

_Pultney_ the coldest Breast with Zeal can fire, And _Roman Thoughts_ by _Attick Stile_ inspire; He knows from tedious Wranglings to beguile The serious _House_ into a chearful Smile; When the great Patriot paints his anxious Fears For _England_'s Safety, I am lost in Tears.

But when dull Speakers strive to move compa.s.sion, I pity their poor Hearers, not the Nation: Unless young _Members_ to the purpose speak, I fall a laughing, or I fall asleep.

[11] Can Men their inward Faculties controul?

Is not the Tongue an Index to the Soul?

Laugh not in time of _Service_ to your G.o.d, Nor bully, when in _Custody_ o'th' _Rod_; Look Grave, and be from Jokes and Grinning far, When brought to sue for Pardon at the _Bar_.

If then you let your ill-tim'd Wit appear, Knights, Citizens, and Burgesses will sneer.

[12] For Land, or Trade, not the same Notions sire The _City-Merchant_, and the _Country-Squire_; Their Climes are distant, tho' one Cause unites The _Lairds_ of _Scotland_, and the _Cornish Knights_.

[13] To _Likelihood_ your _Characters_ confine; Don't turn _Sir Paul_ out, let _Sir Paul_ resign.

In _Walpole_'s Voice (if Factions Ill intend) Give the Two _Universities_ a Friend; Give _Maidston_ Wit, and Elegance refin'd; To both the _Pelhams_ give the _Scipios_ Mind; To _Cart'ret_, Learning, Eloquence, and Parts; To _George_ the _Second_, give all _English_ Hearts.

[14] Sometimes fresh Names in Politicks produce, And Factions yet unheard of introduce; And if you dare attempt a thing so new, Make to itself the _Flying-Squadron_ true.

[15] To speak is free, no _Member_ is debarr'd: But _Funds_ and _National Accounts_ are hard: Safer on common Topicks to discourse, The _Malt-Tax_, and a _Military Force_.

On these each Coffee-House will lend a hint, Besides a thousand things that are in Print.

But steal not Word for Word, nor Thought for Thought: For you'll be teaz'd to death, if you are caught.