A merry tale how a cosoning Alc.u.mist deceaued a country Gentleman.

A Gentleman in Kent of good worth, not long sithence was ouertaken by a cosoning knaue, who professed Alc.u.mistry, Iugling, Witch craft, and coniuration, and by meanes of his companions and confederates, found the simplicitie and abilitie of the said Gentleman, & learnt his estate and humors to be conuenient for his purpose, and at last came a wooing to his daughter, to whome hee made loue cunningly in words, though his purpose tended to another end: and among other illusions and tales, concerning his owne commendations, for wealth, parentage, inheritance, alliance, learning and cunning, be bosted of the knowledge and experience in Alc.u.mistry, making the simple Gentleman beleeue that he could multiply, and of one Angell make two or three, which seemed strange to the Gentleman: insomuch as he became willing enough to see that conclusion: whereby the Alc.u.mister had more hope and comfort to attaine his desire, then if his daughter had yeelded to haue married him: to bee short, he in the presence of the said Gentleman, did include within a little ball of virgins ware a couple of Angells, & after certaine ceremonies and coniuring words, he seemed to deliuer the same vnto him, but in truth, through Legerdemaine, he conueyed into the Gentlemans hand, another ball of the same scantling, wherein were inclosed many more Angells then were in the ball which he thought he had receaued, Now (forsooth) the Alc.u.mister bad him lay vp the same ball of ware, and also vse certaine ceremonies, (which I thought good heere to omit) and after certaine daies, houres, and minutes, they returned together according to the appointment, and found great gaines by multiplication of the angels, insomuch that he being a plaine man, was heereby perswaded that he should not onely haue a rare and notable good sonne in law, but a companion that might helpe to ad vnto his wealth much treasure, and to his estate great fortune and felicity: and to encrease this opinion in him, as also to winne his further fauour: but especially to bring his cunning Alc.u.mistry, or rather his lend purpose to pa.s.se, he tolde him that it were folly to multiply a pound of gold, when as easily they might multiply a million, and therefore counselled him to produce al the money he had, or could borrowe of his neighbours, and freendes, and did put him out of doubt, that he would multiply the same, & reduble it exceedingly, euen as he sawe by experience how he delt with the smal somme before his face: this Gent. in hope of gaines and preferment, consented to his sweete motion, & brought out and layd before his feete, not the one halfe of his goodes, but all that he had, or could make or borrowe any manner of waye: then this Iuggling Alchimister hauing obtayned his purpose, foulded the same in a ball in quant.i.ty far bigger then the other. And conuaying the same vnto his bosome or pocket, deliuered another Ball (as before) in the like quant.i.ty, to be reserued, and safely kept in his cheste, whereof (because the matter was of importance) eyther of them must haue a keye, and a seuerall lock, that no interruption might be made to the ceremuny, or abuse by either of them in defrawding eche other. Now forsooth the circ.u.mstances, and ceremonies being ended & the Alchimisters purpose thereby performed, he tould the Gent. that vntil a certen day and hower lymited to retorne, either of them might imploye themselues about theire busines, and necessarie affaires, the Gent. to his busines, and he to the citty of London. And in the meane tyme the gould should multiply, But the Alchimister (belike) hauing other matters of more importance, cam not iust at the hower appoynted nor yet at the day, nor with in the yere, so as although it were som what, against the Gent. conscience to violate his promise or break the league yet partly by the longing he had to see, & partely the desire he had to enioy the frute of the excellent experiment, hauing for his own securitie (& the others Satisfaction) some testimonie at the opening thereof, to witnes his sincere dealing, he brake vp the coffer, & loe, he soone espied the Ball of ware which he himselfe had layd vpp there with his owne handes, so as he thought, if the hardest should fall, he should finde his princ.i.p.all, and why not as good incrase now, as of the other before? But alas, when the ware was broken and the mettall discouered, the gould was much abased and became perfect lead.

Hitherto haue I spoken somewhat of the knauerie of Alc.u.misry, now I will conclude with a pretty dialogue that _Petrarke_ a man of great wisdome and learning, and of no lesse experience, hath written who as in his time, sawe the fraudulent fetches of this compa.s.sing craft, so hath there bin no age, since the same hath bin broached, but that some wise men haue smelt out the euill meaning of these shifting marchants, and bewrayed them to the world.

_Francis Petrarke_, (I say) treating of the same matter, in forme of a dialogue, introduceth a deciple of his, who fancied the foresaid profession and practise, speaking on this manner.

_Decip._ I hope for a prosperous successe in Alcamistrie.

_Pet._ It is a wonder from whence that hope should spring, sith the fruite thereof did neuer yet fall to thy lotte: nor yet at any time chance to another, as the report commonly goeth, that many rich men, by this vanity and madnes, haue bin brought to beggery, whilst they haue wearied their wealth, in trying of conclusions: to make gould ingender gould.

_Decip._ I hope for gould according to the workemans promise.

_Petra._ He that promised the gould, will runne away with the gould, and thou neuer the wiser.

_Decip._ He promiseth me greate good.

_Petr._ He will first serue his owne turne, and releeue his priuate pouerty, for Alc.u.misters are a beggerly kinde of people, who though they confesse themselues bare, and needy: yet wil they make other rich, and wealthie, as though others pouertie did molest, and greeue them more then their owne, so far the words of _petrarke_.

_Albert_ in his booke of mineralls, reporteth that _Auicen_ treating of Alc.u.mistry: saith, Let the dealers of Alc.u.mistry vnderstand, that the very nature of things, can not be changed: but rather made by arte, to resemble the same in shew, and likenes: so that they are not the very thing indeede, but seeme so to bee in appearance: As Castles and Towers doe seeme to be built in the ayre, whereas the representations there shewed, are nothing else, but the resemblance of certaine obiects belowe, caused in some bright, and cleere cloude: when the aire is voyde of thicknes, and grossenes, a sufficient proofe hereof may be the looking-gla.s.se: and wee see (saith he) the yellow orringe cullour layde vppon red, seemeth to be gould.

Thus much for the fond, and vaine arte of Alc.u.mistry, I will now drawe to an ende, leauing to speake of the innumerable charmes of coniurours, bad Phisitions, lewd Surgions, melancholy Witches, and cosoners, especially for such: as bad Phisitions and Surgions, knowe not how to cure: as against the falling euill, the biting of madde doggs, the stinging of a Scorpion, the tooth-ache, for a woman in trauell, for the kings euill: to get a thorne out of any member, or a bone out of ones throate: for sore eies, to open locks, against spirits: for the botts in a horse, for sower wines, and diuers others.

There are also diuers books imprinted, as it should appeare by the authoritie of the Church of Rome, wherin are conteyned many medecinall prayers, not only against all deseases of horses, but also for euery impediment, and fault in a horse, in so much as if a shooe fall in the middest of his iorney; there is a prayer to warrant your horses hoofe so as it shall not breake, how farre soeuer he be from the smythes forge: But these of all the rest are the fondest toyes, that euer were deuised, therefore we wil pa.s.se them ouer, and yet how many in these dayes are addicted to the beleefe of these charmes it is incredible, I will giue you a taste of two or three, because you shall see the foolery of the rest.

A Charme to be said each morning by a Witch fasting, or at least before she goe abroade.

The fire bites, the fire bites, the fire bites: hogs t.u.r.de ouer it, hogges t.u.r.de ouer it, hoggs t.u.r.de ouer it. The Father with thee, the Sonne with me, the holy Ghost betweene vs both to be, thrise, then spitt ouer one shoulder, and then ouer the other, and then three times right forward.

An olde womans Charme wherewith she did much good in the c.u.n.trie and grew famous thereby.

An olde woman that healed all deseases of cattell (for the which she neuer tooke any reward but a penny and a loafe) being seriously examined, by what words she brought these things to pa.s.se, confessed that after she had touched the sick creature, she alwaies departed immediately saying.

_My loafe in my lap, My penie in my purse: Thou art neuer the better, And I am neuer the worse._

A slouenly Charme for sore eies.

The Deuill pull out both thine eies, And _etish_[*] in the holes likewise.

[Sidenote: spel this word backward and you shall see what a slouenly charme this is _etish_.]

A Miller that had his eeles stolne by night, made mone to the priest of the parish, who indeede was the princ.i.p.all of the theeues that stole the eeles, Sir Iohn willed him to be quiet, for said he I will to curse the theeues, and their adherents with bell, booke, and candle, that they shall haue small ioy of their fish, and therefore the next sonday Sir Iohn gotte him vp to the pulpit with his surplis on his back, and his Gole about his neck, and p.r.o.nounced these words following, in the audience of the people.

All ye that haue stolne the myllers Eeles _Laudate Dominum in coelis:_ And all they that haue consented therunto _Benedicamus Domino._

By this little you may plainely perceaue the foppery of the Church of Rome, who hould such toyes as authenticall, and also there knauery to make the people beleeue, lies for truth, and falshod for honestie, Bearing them in hand, as in this, so in all the rest, with blindenes, and ignorance but hereof ynoughe.

And now to conclude, lett vs backe againe with one pretty knack, which is held to be meruilous and wonderfull. And that is to make a horse tell you how much money you haue in your purse: and I reade of a pretty story of an a.s.se at _Memphis_ in Egypt, that could do rare feates, among other Iuggling knackes, there and then vsed: there was one that tooke paynes with an a.s.se, that he had taught him, all these quallities following, and for game he caused a stage to be made, and an a.s.sembly of people to meete, which being downe in the manner of a play, he came in with his a.s.se, and sayde: The _Sultan_ hath great neede of a.s.ses, to helpe to carry stones, and other stuffe towards his great building which he hath in hande: the a.s.se immediately fell downe to the ground, and by all signes shewed himself to be sick, and at length to giue vp the ghost, so as the Iuggler begged of the a.s.sembly money towards his a.s.se, and hauing gotten all that he could, he saide, now my masters you shall see mine a.s.se is yet aliue, and doth but counterfeit, because he would haue some money to buy him prouender, knowing that I was poore and in some neede of reliefe: heere vpon he would needes lay a wager that his a.s.se was aliue, who to euery mans seeing was starke dead: and when one had laid mony with him therevpon, he commaunded the a.s.se to arise, but hee lay still as though he were dead: then did he beate him with a Cudgell, but that would not serue the turne, vntill he had addressed his speech to the a.s.se, saying as before in open audience, the _Sultane_ hath commaunded that all the people shall ride out to morrow, and see the triumph, and that the faire Ladies will ride vpon the fairest a.s.ses, and will giue notable prouender to them, and euery a.s.se shall drinke of the sweete water of Nylus: and then, loe the a.s.se did presently start vp, and aduance himself exceedingly. Loe quoth his master, now I haue wonne: but in troth the Maior hath borrowed my a.s.se for the vse of the old il-fauoured witch his wife: and therevpon immediately he hung downe his eares and halted downe right, as though he had bene starke lame: then said his Master, I perceaue you loue young pretty wenches: at which the a.s.se looked vp as it were with a ioyfull cheere, and then his master bad him choose out one that should ride vpon him, and he ran to a very hansome woman, and touched her with his head.

Such a one is at this day to be seene in London, his master will say, sirra, heere be diuers Gentlemen, that haue lost diuers things, and they heare say that thou canst tell them tydings of them where they are: if thou canst, prethee shew thy cunning and tell them: then hurles he downe a handkercher or a gloue that he had taken from the parties before, and bids him giue it the right owner, which the horse presently doth: and many other pretty feates this horse doth, and some of those trickes as the a.s.se before mencioned did, which not one among a thousand perceaues how they are done, nor how he is brought to learne the same: and note that all the feates that this horse doth, is altogether in numbering: as for ensample, His master will aske him how many people there are in the roome: the horse will pawe with his foote so many times as there are people: and marke the eye of the horse is alwaies vpon his master, and as his master moues, so goes he or stands still, as he is brought to it at the first: as for ensample, his master will throw you three dice, and will bid his horse tell how many you or he haue throwne, then the horse pawes with his foote whiles the master stands stone still: then when his master sees hee hath pawed so many as the first dice shewes it selfe, then he lifts vp his shoulders and stirres a little: then he bids him tell what is on the second die, and then of the third die, which the horse will doe accordingly, still pawing with his foote vntill his master sees he hath pawed ynough, and then stirres: which the horse marking, will stay and leaue pawing. And note, that the horse will paw an hundred times together, vntill he sees his master stirre: and note also that nothing can be done, but his master must first know, and then his master knowing, the horse is ruled by him by signes. This if you marke at any time you shall plainely perceaue.

Now that we are come to our iournies end, let vs sit downe and looke about vs, whether we are al sonnes of one father, if there be no knaues among vs: St. _Boniface_ light me the candle. Who doe I see?

what the l.u.s.tie lad of the Myter, that will binde beares, and ride his golden a.s.se to death but he will haue his will? Birlady, birlady sir, you of all the rest are most welcome, what how doth your stomack after your carrowsing banquet? what gorge vpon gorge, egges vpon egges, and sack vpon sack, at these yeares? by the faith of my body sir you must prouide for a hot kitchen against you growe olde, if you mean to liue my yeares: but happy the father that begot thee, and thrise happy the Nurse that soffred such a toward yonker as thy selfe: I know thy vertues as well as thy selfe, thou hast a superficiall tw.a.n.g of a little something: an Italian ribald can not vomit out the infections of the world, but thou my pretty Iuuinall, an English Dorrell-lorrell, must lick it vp for restoratiue, & putrifie thy gentle brother ouer against thee, with the vilde impostumes of thy lewd corruptions: G.o.d blesse good mindes from the blacke enemy say I: I know you haue bene prying like the Deuill from East to West, to heare what newes: I will acquaint thee with some, & that a secret distillation before thou goest. He that drinketh oyle of p.r.i.c.kes, shall haue much a doe to auoyd sirrope of roses: and he that eateth nettles for prouender, hath a priuiledge to p.i.s.se vpon lillies for litter. I prethee sweete natures darling, insult not ouermuch vpon quiet men: a worme that is troden vpon will turne againe, and patience loues not to be made a cart of Croyden. I doe begin with thee now, but if I see thee not mend thy conditions, Ile tell you another tale shortly: thou shalt see that I can doot, I could bring in my Author to tell thee to thy face, that he hath found a knaue in grosse, of thee: but I can say, I haue found thee a foole in retaile: thou seest simplicity can not double, nor plaine dealing cannot dissemble, I could wish thee to amend thy life, and take heede of the Beadle.

_Vale qui rediculose haec legeris._

FINIS.