Let her be such a one throughout, as Lucian deciphers in his Imagines, as Euphranor of old painted Venus, Aristaenetus describes Lais, another Helena, Chariclea, Leucippe, Lucretia, Pandora; let her have a box of beauty to repair herself still, such a one as Venus gave Phaon, when he carried her over the ford; let her use all helps art and nature can yield; be like her, and her, and whom thou wilt, or all these in one; a little sickness, a fever, small-pox, wound, scar, loss of an eye, or limb, a violent pa.s.sion, a distemperature of heat or cold, mars all in an instant, disfigures all; child-bearing, old age, that tyrant time will turn Venus to Erinnys; raging time, care, rivels her upon a sudden; after she hath been married a small while, and the black ox hath trodden on her toe, she will be so much altered, and wax out of favour, thou wilt not know her. One grows to fat, another too lean, &c., modest Matilda, pretty pleasing Peg, sweet-singing Susan, mincing merry Moll, dainty dancing Doll, neat Nancy, jolly Joan, nimble Nell, kissing Kate, bouncing Bess, with black eyes, fair Phyllis, with fine white hands, fiddling Frank, tall Tib, slender Sib, &c., will quickly lose their grace, grow fulsome, stale, sad, heavy, dull, sour, and all at last out of fashion. _Ubi jam vultus argutia, suavis suavitatio, blandus, risus_, &c. Those fair sparkling eyes will look dull, her soft coral lips will be pale, dry, cold, rough, and blue, her skin rugged, that soft and tender superficies will be hard and harsh, her whole complexion change in a moment, and as [5741]Matilda writ to King John.

"I am not now as when thou saw'st me last, That favour soon is vanished and past; That rosy blush lapt in a lily vale, Now is with morphew overgrown and pale."

'Tis so in the rest, their beauty fades as a tree in winter, which Dejanira hath elegantly expressed in the poet,

[5742] "Deforme solis aspicis truncis nemus?

Sic nostra longum forma percurrens iter, Deperdit aliquid semper, et fulget minus, Malisque minus est quiquid in n.o.bis fuit, Olim pet.i.tum cecidit, et partu labat, Maturque multum rapuit ex illa mihi, Aetas citato senior eripuit gradu."

"And as a tree that in the green wood grows, With fruit and leaves, and in the summer blows, In winter like a stock deformed shows: Our beauty takes his race and journey goes, And doth decrease, and lose, and come to nought, Admir'd of old, to this by child-birth brought: And mother hath bereft me of my grace, And crooked old age coining on apace."

To conclude with Chrysostom, [5743]"When thou seest a fair and beautiful person, a brave Bonaroba, _a bella donna, quae salivam moveat, lepidam puellam et quam tu facile ames_, a comely woman, having bright eyes, a merry countenance, a shining l.u.s.tre in her look, a pleasant grace, wringing thy soul, and increasing thy concupiscence; bethink with thyself that it is but earth thou lovest, a mere excrement, which so vexeth thee, which thou so admirest, and thy raging soul will be at rest. Take her skin from her face, and thou shalt see all loathsomeness under it, that beauty is a superficial skin and bones, nerves, sinews: suppose her sick, now rivelled, h.o.a.ry-headed, hollow-cheeked, old; within she is full of filthy phlegm, stinking, putrid, excremental stuff: snot and snivel in her nostrils, spittle in her mouth, water in her eyes, what filth in her brains," &c. Or take her at best, and look narrowly upon her in the light, stand near her, nearer yet, thou shalt perceive almost as much, and love less, as [5744]

Cardan well writes, _minus amant qui acute vident_, though Scaliger deride him for it: if he see her near, or look exactly at such a posture, whosoever he is, according to the true rules of symmetry and proportion, those I mean of Albertus Durer, Lomatius and Tasnier, examine him of her.

If he be _elegans formarum spectator_ he shall find many faults in physiognomy, and ill colour: if form, one side of the face likely bigger than the other, or crooked nose, bad eyes, prominent veins, concavities about the eyes, wrinkles, pimples, red streaks, freckles, hairs, warts, neves, inequalities, roughness, scabredity, paleness, yellowness, and as many colours as are in a turkeyc.o.c.k's neck, many indecorums in their other parts; _est quod desideres, est quod amputes_, one leers, another frowns, a third gapes, squints, &c. And 'tis true that he saith, [5745]_Diligenter consideranti raro facies absoluta, et quae vitio caret_, seldom shall you find an absolute face without fault, as I have often observed; not in the face alone is this defect or disproportion to be found; but in all the other parts, of body and mind; she is fair, indeed, but foolish; pretty, comely, and decent, of a majestical presence, but peradventure, imperious, dishonest, _acerba, iniqua_, self-willed: she is rich, but deformed; hath a sweet face, but bad carriage, no bringing up, a rude and wanton flirt; a neat body she hath, but it is a nasty quean otherwise, a very s.l.u.t, of a bad kind. As flowers in a garden have colour some, but no smell, others have a fragrant smell, but are unseemly to the eye; one is unsavoury to the taste as rue, as bitter as wormwood, and yet a most medicinal cordial flower, most acceptable to the stomach; so are men and women; one is well qualified, but of ill proportion, poor and base: a good eye she hath, but a bad hand and foot, _foeda pedes et foeda ma.n.u.s_, a fine leg, bad teeth, a vast body, &c. Examine all parts of body and mind, I advise thee to inquire of all. See her angry, merry, laugh, weep, hot, cold, sick, sullen, dressed, undressed, in all attires, sites, gestures, pa.s.sions, eat her meals, &c., and in some of these you will surely dislike. Yea, not her only let him observe, but her parents how they carry themselves: for what deformities, defects, enc.u.mbrances of body or mind be in them at such an age, they will likely be subject to, be molested in like manner, they will _patrizare_ or _matrizare._ And withal let him take notice of her companions, _in convictu_ (as Quiverra prescribes), _et quibusc.u.m conversetur_, whom she converseth with. _Noscitur ex comite, qui non cognoscitur ex se._ [5746]According to Thucydides, she is commonly the best, _de quo minimus foras habetur sermo_, that is least talked of abroad.

For if she be a noted reveller, a gadder, a singer, a pranker or dancer, than take heed of her. For what saith Theocritus?

[5747] "At vos festivae ne ne saltate puellae, En malus hireus adest in vos saltare paratus."

Young men will do it when they come to it. Fauns and satyrs will certainly play reaks, when they come in such wanton Baccho's or Elenora's presence.

Now when they shall perceive any such obliquity, indecency, disproportion, deformity, bad conditions, &c., let them still ruminate on that, and as [5748]Haedus adviseth out of Ovid, _earum mendas notent_, note their faults, vices, errors, and think of their imperfections; 'tis the next way to divert and mitigate love's furious headstrong pa.s.sions; as a peac.o.c.k's feet, and filthy comb, they say, make him forget his fine feathers, and pride of his tail; she is lovely, fair, well-favoured, well qualified, courteous and kind, "but if she be not so to me, what care I how kind she be?" I say with [5749]Philostratus, _formosa aliis, mihi superba_, she is a tyrant to me, and so let her go. Besides these outward neves or open faults, errors, there be many inward infirmities, secret, some private (which I will omit), and some more common to the s.e.x, sullen fits, evil qualities, filthy diseases, in this case fit to be considered; consideratio foeditatis mulierum, menstruae imprimis, quam immundae sunt, quam Savanarola proponit regula septima penitus observandam; et Platina _dial.

amoris_ fuse perstringit. Lodovicus Bonacsialus, _mulieb. lib. 2. cap. 2._ Pet. Haedus, Albertus, et infiniti fere medici. [5750]A lover, in Calcagninus's Apologies, wished with all his heart he were his mistress's ring, to hear, embrace, see, and do I know not what: O thou fool, quoth the ring, if thou wer'st in my room, thou shouldst hear, observe, and see _pudenda et poenitenda_, that which would make thee loathe and hate her, yea, peradventure, all women for her sake.

I will say nothing of the vices of their minds, their pride, envy, inconstancy, weakness, malice, selfwill, lightness, insatiable l.u.s.t, jealousy, Ecclus. v. 14. "No malice to a woman's, no bitterness like to hers," Eccles. vii. 21. and as the same author urgeth, Prov. x.x.xi. 10. "Who shall find a virtuous woman?" He makes a question of it. _Neque jus neque bonum, neque aequum sciunt, melius pejus, prosit, obsit, nihil vident, nisi quod libido suggerit_. "They know neither good nor bad, be it better or worse" (as the comical poet hath it), "beneficial or hurtful, they will do what they list."

[5751] "Insidiae humani generis, querimonia vitae, Exuviae noctis, durissima cura diei, Poena virum, nex et juvenum," &c.------

And to that purpose were they first made, as Jupiter insinuates in the [5752]poet;

"The fire that bold Prometheus stole from me, With plagues call'd women shall revenged be, On whose alluring and enticing face, Poor mortals doting shall their death embrace."

In fine, as Diogenes concludes in Nevisa.n.u.s, _Nulla est faemina quae non habeat quid_: they have all their faults.

[5753] _Every each of them hath some vices, If one be full of villainy, Another hath a liquorish eye, If one be full of wantonness, Another is a chideress_.

When Leander was drowned, the inhabitants of Sestos consecrated Hero's lantern to Anteros, _Anteroti sacrum_, [5754]and he that had good success in his love should light the candle: but never any man was found to light it; which I can refer to nought, but the inconstancy and lightness of women.

[5755] "For in a thousand, good there is not one; All be so proud, unthankful, and unkind, With flinty hearts, careless of other's moan.

In their own l.u.s.ts carried most headlong blind, But more herein to speak I am forbidden; Sometimes for speaking truth one may be chidden."

I am not willing, you see, to prosecute the cause against them, and therefore take heed you mistake me not, [5756]_matronam nullam ego tango_, I honour the s.e.x, with all good men, and as I ought to do, rather than displease them, I will voluntarily take the oath which Mercurius Britannicus took, _Viragin. descript. tib. 2. fol. 95._ _Me nihil unquam mali n.o.bilissimo s.e.xui, vel verbo, vel facto machinaturum_, &c., let Simonides, Mantuan, Platina, Pet. Aretine, and such women-haters bare the blame, if aught be said amiss; I have not writ a tenth of that which might be urged out of them and others; [5757]_non possunt invectivae omnes, et satirae in foeminas scriptae, uno volumine comprehendi_. And that which I have said (to speak truth) no more concerns them than men, though women be more frequently named in this tract; (to apologise once for all) I am neither partial against them, or therefore bitter; what is said of the one, _mutato nomine_, may most part be understood of the other. My words are like Pa.s.sus' picture in [5758]Lucian, of whom, when a good fellow had bespoke a horse to be painted with his heels upwards, tumbling on his back, he made him pa.s.sant: now when the fellow came for his piece, he was very angry, and said, it was quite opposite to his mind; but Pa.s.sus instantly turned the picture upside down, showed him the horse at that site which he requested, and so gave him satisfaction. If any man take exception at my words, let him alter the name, read him for her, and 'tis all one in effect.

But to my purpose: If women in general be so bad (and men worse than they) what a hazard is it to marry? where shall a man find a good wife, or a woman a good husband? A woman a man may eschew, but not a wife: wedding is undoing (some say) marrying marring, wooing woeing: [5759]"a wife is a fever hectic," as Scaliger calls her, "and not be cured but by death," as out of Menander, Athenaeus adds,

"In pelaprus te jacis negotiorum,-- Non Libyum, non Aegeum, ubi ex triginta non pereunt Tria navigia: duceus uxorem servatur prorsus nemo."

"Thou wadest into a sea itself of woes; In Libya and Aegean each man knows Of thirty not three ships are cast away, But on this rock not one escapes, I say."

The worldly cares, miseries, discontents, that accompany marriage, I pray you learn of them that have experience, for I have none; [5760][Greek: paidas ego logous egensamaen], _libri mentis liberi_. For my part I'll dissemble with him,

[5761] "Este procul nymphae, fallax genus este puellae, Vita jugata meo non facit ingenio: me juvat," &c.

many married men exclaim at the miseries of it, and rail at wives downright; I never tried, but as I hear some of them say, [5762]_Mare haud mare, vos mare acerrimum_, an Irish Sea is not so turbulent and raging as a litigious wife.

[5763] "Scylla et Charybdis Sicula contorquens freta, Minus est timenda, nulla non melior fera est."

"Scylla and Charybdis are less dangerous, There is no beast that is so noxious."

Which made the devil belike, as most interpreters hold, when he had taken away Job's goods, _corporis et fortunae bona_, health, children, friends, to persecute him the more, leave his wicked wife, as Pineda proves out of Tertullian, Cyprian, Austin, Chrysostom, Prosper, Gaudentius, &c. _ut novum calamitatis inde genus viro existeret_, to vex and gall him worse _quam totus infernus_ than all the fiends in h.e.l.l, as knowing the conditions of a bad woman. Jupiter _non tribuit homini pestilentius malum_, saith Simonides: "better dwell with a dragon or a lion, than keep house with a wicked wife," Ecclus. xxv. 18. "better dwell in a wilderness," Prov. xxi.

19. "no wickedness like to her," Ecclus. xxv. 22. "She makes a sorry heart, an heavy countenance, a wounded mind, weak hands, and feeble knees," vers.

25. "A woman and death are two the bitterest things in the world:" _uxor mihi ducenda est hodie, id mihi visus est dicere, abi domum et suspende te_. _Ter. And. 1. 5._ And yet for all this we bachelors desire to be married; with that vestal virgin, we long for it, [5764]_Felices nuptae!

moriar, nisi nubere dulce est_. 'Tis the sweetest thing in the world, I would I had a wife saith he,

"For fain would I leave a single life, If I could get me a good wife."

Heigh-ho for a husband, cries she, a bad husband, nay, the worst that ever was is better than none: O blissful marriage, O most welcome marriage, and happy are they that are so coupled: we do earnestly seek it, and are never well till we have effected it. But with what fate? like those birds in the [5765]Emblem, that fed about a cage, so long as they could fly away at their pleasure liked well of it; but when they were taken and might not get loose, though they had the same meat, pined away for sullenness, and would not eat. So we commend marriage,

------"donec miselli liberi Aspichmis dominam; sed postquam heu janua clausa est, Fel intus est quod mel fuit:"

"So long as we are wooers, may kiss and coll at our pleasure, nothing is so sweet, we are in heaven as we think; but when we are once tied, and have lost our liberty, marriage is an h.e.l.l," "give me my yellow hose again:" a mouse in a trap lives as merrily, we are in a purgatory some of us, if not h.e.l.l itself. _Dulce bellum inexpertis_, as the proverb is, 'tis fine talking of war, and marriage sweet in contemplation, till it be tried: and then as wars are most dangerous, irksome, every minute at death's door, so is, &c. When those wild Irish peers, saith [5766]Stanihurst, were feasted by king Henry the Second, (at what time he kept his Christmas at Dublin) and had tasted of his prince-like cheer, generous wines, dainty fare, had seen his [5767]ma.s.sy plate of silver, gold, enamelled, beset with jewels, golden candlesticks, goodly rich hangings, brave furniture, heard his trumpets sound, fifes, drums, and his exquisite music in all kinds: when they had observed his majestical presence as he sat in purple robes, crowned, with his sceptre, &c., in his royal seat, the poor men were so amazed, enamoured, and taken with the object, that they were _pertaesi domestici et pristini tyrotarchi_, as weary and ashamed of their own sordidity and manner of life. They would all be English forthwith; who but English! but when they had now submitted themselves, and lost their former liberty, they began to rebel some of them, others repent of what they had done, when it was too late. 'Tis so with us bachelors, when we see and behold those sweet faces, those gaudy shows that women make, observe their pleasant gestures and graces, give ear to their siren tunes, see them dance, &c., we think their conditions are as fine as their faces, we are taken, with dumb signs, _in amplexum ruimus_, we rave, we burn, and would fain be married. But when we feel the miseries, cares, woes, that accompany it, we make our moan many of us, cry out at length and cannot be released.

If this be true now, as some out of experience will inform us, farewell wiving for my part, and as the comical poet merrily saith,

[5768] "Perdatur ille pessime qui foeminam Duxit secundus, nam nihil primo imprecor!

Ignarus ut puto mali primus fuit."

[5769] "Foul fall him that brought the second match to pa.s.s, The first I wish no harm, poor man alas!

He knew not what he did, nor what it was."

What shall I say to him that marries again and again, [5770]_Stulta maritali qui porrigit ora capistro_, I pity him not, for the first time he must do as he may, bear it out sometimes by the head and shoulders, and let his next neighbour ride, or else run away, or as that Syracusian in a tempest, when all ponderous things were to be exonerated out of the ship, _quia maximum pondus erat_, fling his wife into the sea. But this I confess is comically spoken, [5771]and so I pray you take it. In sober sadness, [5772]marriage is a bondage, a thraldom, a yoke, a hindrance to all good enterprises, ("he hath married a wife and cannot come") a stop to all preferments, a rock on which many are saved, many impinge and are cast away: not that the thing is evil in itself or troublesome, but full of all contentment and happiness, one of the three things which please G.o.d, [5773]

"when a man and his wife agree together," an honourable and happy estate, who knows it not? If they be sober, wise, honest, as the poet infers,

[5774] "Si commodos nanciscantur amores, Nullum iis abest voluptatis genus."

"If fitly match'd be man and wife, No pleasure's wanting to their life."

But to undiscreet sensual persons, that as brutes are wholly led by sense, it is a feral plague, many times a h.e.l.l itself, and can give little or no content, being that they are often so irregular and prodigious in their l.u.s.ts, so diverse in their affections. _Uxor nomen dignitatis, non voluptatis_, as [5775]he said, a wife is a name of honour, not of pleasure: she is fit to bear the office, govern a family, to bring up children, sit at a board's end and carve, as some carnal men think and say; they had rather go to the stews, or have now and then a s.n.a.t.c.h as they can come by it, borrow of their neighbours, than have wives of their own; except they may, as some princes and great men do, keep as many courtesans as they will themselves, fly out _impune_, [5776]_Permolere uxores alienas_, that polygamy of Turks, Lex Julia, with Caesar once enforced in Rome, (though Levinus Torrentius and others suspect it) _uti uxores quot et quas vellent liceret_, that every great man might marry, and keep as many wives as he would, or Irish divorcement were in use: but as it is, 'tis hard and gives not that satisfaction to these carnal men, beastly men as too many are: [5777]What still the same, to be tied [5778]to one, be she never so fair, never so virtuous, is a thing they may not endure, to love one long. Say thy pleasure, and counterfeit as thou wilt, as [5779]Parmeno told Thais, _Neque tu uno eris contenta_, "one man will never please thee;" nor one woman many men. But as [5780]Pan replied to his father Mercury, when he asked whether he was married, _Nequaquam pater, amator enim sum_ &c. "No, father, no, I am a lover still, and cannot be contented with one woman."

Pythias, Echo, Menades, and I know not how many besides, were his mistresses, he might not abide marriage. _Varietas delectat_, 'tis loathsome and tedious, what one still? which the satirist said of Iberina, is verified in most,

[5781] "Unus Iberinae vir sufficit? ocyus illud Extorquebis ut haec oculo contenta sit uno."

"'Tis not one man will serve her by her will, As soon she'll have one eye as one man still."

As capable of any impression as _materia prima_ itself, that still desires new forms, like the sea their affections ebb and flow. Husband is a cloak for some to hide their villainy; once married she may fly out at her pleasure, the name of husband is a sanctuary to make all good. _Eo ventum_ (saith Seneca) _ut nulla virum habeat, nisi ut irritet adulterum_. They are right and straight, as true Trojans as mine host's daughter, that Spanish wench in [5782]Ariosto, as good wives as Messalina. Many men are as constant in their choice, and as good husbands as Nero himself, they must have their pleasure of all they see, and are in a word far more fickle than any woman.

_For either they be full of jealousy, Or masterfull, or loven novelty_.

Good men have often ill wives, as bad as Xanthippe was to Socrates, Elevora to St. Lewis, Isabella to our Edward the Second; and good wives are as often matched to ill husbands, as Mariamne to Herod, Serena to Diocletian, Theodora to Theophilus, and Thyra to Gurmunde. But I will say nothing of dissolute and bad husbands, of bachelors and their vices; their good qualities are a fitter subject for a just volume, too well known already in every village, town and city, they need no blazon; and lest I should mar any matches, or dishearten loving maids, for this present I will let them pa.s.s.

Being that men and women are so irreligious, depraved by nature, so wandering in their affections, so brutish, so subject to disagreement, so un.o.bservant of marriage rites, what shall I say? If thou beest such a one, or thou light on such a wife, what concord can there be, what hope of agreement? 'tis not _conjugium_ but _conjurgium_, as the Reed and Fern in the [5783]Emblem, averse and opposite in nature: 'tis twenty to one thou wilt not marry to thy contentment: but as in a lottery forty blanks were drawn commonly for one prize, out of a mult.i.tude you shall hardly choose a good one: a small ease hence then, little comfort,