As Aelian writ of Protagoras and Gorgias, we may say of them all, _tantum a sapientibus abfuerunt, quantum a viris pueri_, they were children in respect, infants, not eagles, but kites; novices, illiterate, _Eunuchi sapientiae_. And although they were the wisest, and most admired in their age, as he censured Alexander, I do them, there were 10,000 in his army as worthy captains (had they been in place of command) as valiant as himself; there were myriads of men wiser in those days, and yet all short of what they ought to be. [199]Lactantius, in his book of wisdom, proves them to be dizzards, fools, a.s.ses, madmen, so full of absurd and ridiculous tenets, and brain-sick positions, that to his thinking never any old woman or sick person doted worse. [200]Democritus took all from Leucippus, and left, saith he, "the inheritance of his folly to Epicurus," [201]_insanienti dum sapientiae_, &c. The like he holds of Plato, Aristippus, and the rest, making no difference [202]"betwixt them and beasts, saving that they could speak." [203]Theodoret in his tract, _De cur. grec. affect._ manifestly evinces as much of Socrates, whom though that Oracle of Apollo confirmed to be the wisest man then living, and saved him from plague, whom 2000 years have admired, of whom some will as soon speak evil as of Christ, yet _re vera_, he was an illiterate idiot, as [204]Aristophanes calls him, _irriscor et ambitiosus_, as his master Aristotle terms him, _scurra Atticus_, as Zeno, an [205]enemy to all arts and sciences, as Athaeneus, to philosophers and travellers, an opiniative a.s.s, a caviller, a kind of pedant; for his manners, as Theod. Cyrensis describes him, a [206]

sodomite, an atheist, (so convict by Anytus) _iracundus et ebrius, dicax_, &c. a pot-companion, by [207]Plato's own confession, a st.u.r.dy drinker; and that of all others he was most sottish, a very madman in his actions and opinions. Pythagoras was part philosopher, part magician, or part witch. If you desire to hear more of Apollonius, a great wise man, sometime paralleled by Julian the apostate to Christ, I refer you to that learned tract of Eusebius against Hierocles, and for them all to Lucian's _Piscator, Icaromenippus, Necyomantia_: their actions, opinions in general were so prodigious, absurd, ridiculous, which they broached and maintained, their books and elaborate treatises were full of dotage, which Tully _ad Attic.u.m_ long since observed, _delirant plerumque scriptores in libris suis_, their lives being opposite to their words, they commended poverty to others, and were most covetous themselves, extolled love and peace, and yet persecuted one another with virulent hate and malice. They could give precepts for verse and prose, but not a man of them (as [208]Seneca tells them home) could moderate his affections. Their music did show us _flebiles modos_, &c. how to rise and fall, but they could not so contain themselves as in adversity not to make a lamentable tone. They will measure ground by geometry, set down limits, divide and subdivide, but cannot yet prescribe _quantum homini satis_, or keep within compa.s.s of reason and discretion.

They can square circles, but understand not the state of their own souls, describe right lines and crooked, &c. but know not what is right in this life, _quid in vita r.e.c.t.u.m sit, ignorant_; so that as he said, _Nescio an Anticyram ratio illis destinet omnem._ I think all the Anticyrae will not restore them to their wits, [209]if these men now, that held [210]

Xenodotus' heart, Crates' liver, Epictetus' lantern, were so sottish, and had no more brains than so many beetles, what shall we think of the commonalty? what of the rest?

Yea, but you will infer, that is true of heathens, if they be conferred with Christians, 1 Cor. iii. 19. "The wisdom of this world is foolishness with G.o.d, earthly and devilish," as James calls it, iii. 15. "They were vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was full of darkness,"

Rom. i. 21, 22. "When they professed themselves wise, became fools." Their witty works are admired here on earth, whilst their souls are tormented in h.e.l.l fire. In some sense, _Christiani Cra.s.siani_, Christians are Cra.s.sians, and if compared to that wisdom, no better than fools. _Quis est sapiens?

Solus Deus_, [211]Pythagoras replies, "G.o.d is only wise," Rom. xvi. Paul determines "only good," as Austin well contends, "and no man living can be justified in his sight." "G.o.d looked down from heaven upon the children of men, to see if any did understand," Psalm liii. 2, 3, but all are corrupt, err. Rom. iii. 12, "None doeth good, no, not one." Job aggravates this, iv.

18, "Behold he found no steadfastness in his servants, and laid folly upon his angels;" 19. "How much more on them that dwell in houses of clay?" In this sense we are all fools, and the [212]Scripture alone is _arx Minervae_, we and our writings are shallow and imperfect. But I do not so mean; even in our ordinary dealings we are no better than fools. "All our actions," as [213]Pliny told Trajan, "upbraid us of folly," our whole course of life is but matter of laughter: we are not soberly wise; and the world itself, which ought at least to be wise by reason of his antiquity, as [214]Hugo de Prato Florido will have it, "_semper stultizat_, is every day more foolish than other; the more it is whipped, the worse it is, and as a child will still be crowned with roses and flowers." We are apish in it, _asini bipedes_, and every place is full _inversorum Apuleiorum_ of metamorphosed and two-legged a.s.ses, _inversorum Silenorum_, childish, _pueri instar bimuli, tremula patris dormientis in ulna_. Jovia.n.u.s Ponta.n.u.s, Antonio Dial, brings in some laughing at an old man, that by reason of his age was a little fond, but as he admonisheth there, _Ne mireris mi hospes de hoc sene_, marvel not at him only, for _tota haec civitas delirium_, all our town dotes in like sort, [215]we are a company of fools. Ask not with him in the poet, [216]_Larvae hunc intemperiae insaniaeque agitant senem_? What madness ghosts this old man, but what madness ghosts us all? For we are _ad unum omnes_, all mad, _semel insanivimus omnes_ not once, but alway so, _et semel, et simul, et semper_, ever and altogether as bad as he; and not _senex bis puer, delira a.n.u.s_, but say it of us all, _semper pueri_, young and old, all dote, as Lactantius proves out of Seneca; and no difference betwixt us and children, saving that, _majora ludimus, et grandioribus pupis_, they play with babies of clouts and such toys, we sport with greater baubles. We cannot accuse or condemn one another, being faulty ourselves, _deliramenta loqueris_, you talk idly, or as [217]Mitio upbraided Demea, _insanis, auferte_, for we are as mad our own selves, and it is hard to say which is the worst. Nay, 'tis universally so, [218]_Vitam regit fortuna, non sapientia_.

When [219]Socrates had taken great pains to find out a wise man, and to that purpose had consulted with philosophers, poets, artificers, he concludes all men were fools; and though it procured him both anger and much envy, yet in all companies he would openly profess it. When [220]

Supputius in Ponta.n.u.s had travelled all over Europe to confer with a wise man, he returned at last without his errand, and could find none. [221]

Cardan concurs with him, "Few there are (for aught I can perceive) well in their wits." So doth [222]Tully, "I see everything to be done foolishly and unadvisedly."

"Ille sinistrorsum, hic dextrorsum, unus utrique Error, sed variis illudit partibus omnes."

"One reels to this, another to that wall, 'Tis the same error that deludes them all."

[223]They dote all, but not alike, [Greek: Mania gar pasin h.o.m.oia], not in the same kind, "One is covetous, a second lascivious, a third ambitious, a fourth envious," &c. as Damasippus the Stoic hath well ill.u.s.trated in the poet,

[224] "Desipiunt omnes aeque ac tu."

"And they who call you fool, with equal claim May plead an ample t.i.tle to the name."

'Tis an inbred malady in every one of us, there is _seminarium stult.i.tiae_, a seminary of folly, "which if it be stirred up, or get ahead, will run _in infinitum_, and infinitely varies, as we ourselves are severally addicted,"

saith [225]Balthazar Castilio: and cannot so easily be rooted out, it takes such fast hold, as Tully holds, _altae radices stult.i.tiae_, [226]so we are bred, and so we continue. Some say there be two main defects of wit, error and ignorance, to which all others are reduced; by ignorance we know not things necessary, by error we know them falsely. Ignorance is a privation, error a positive act. From ignorance comes vice, from error heresy, &c. But make how many kinds you will, divide and subdivide, few men are free, or that do not impinge on some one kind or other. [227]_Sic plerumque agitat stultos inscitia_, as he that examines his own and other men's actions shall find.

[228]Charon in Lucian, as he wittily feigns, was conducted by Mercury to such a place, where he might see all the world at once; after he had sufficiently viewed, and looked about, Mercury would needs know of him what he had observed: He told him that he saw a vast mult.i.tude and a promiscuous, their habitations like molehills, the men as emmets, "he could discern cities like so many hives of bees, wherein every bee had a sting, and they did nought else but sting one another, some domineering like hornets bigger than the rest, some like filching wasps, others as drones."

Over their heads were hovering a confused company of perturbations, hope, fear, anger, avarice, ignorance, &c., and a mult.i.tude of diseases hanging, which they still pulled on their pates. Some were brawling, some fighting, riding, running, _sollicite ambientes, callide litigantes_ for toys and trifles, and such momentary things, Their towns and provinces mere factions, rich against poor, poor against rich, n.o.bles against artificers, they against n.o.bles, and so the rest. In conclusion, he condemned them all for madmen, fools, idiots, a.s.ses, _O stulti, quaenam haec est amentia_? O fools, O madmen, he exclaims, _insana studia, insani labores_, &c. Mad endeavours, mad actions, mad, mad, mad, [229]_O saeclum insipiens et infacetum_, a giddy-headed age. Herac.l.i.tus the philosopher, out of a serious meditation of men's lives, fell a weeping, and with continual tears bewailed their misery, madness, and folly. Democritus on the other side, burst out a laughing, their whole life seemed to him so ridiculous, and he was so far carried with this ironical pa.s.sion, that the citizens of Abdera took him to be mad, and sent therefore amba.s.sadors to Hippocrates, the physician, that he would exercise his skill upon him. But the story is set down at large by Hippocrates, in his epistle to Damogetus, which because it is not impertinent to this discourse, I will insert verbatim almost as it is delivered by Hippocrates himself, with all the circ.u.mstances belonging unto it.

When Hippocrates was now come to Abdera, the people of the city came flocking about him, some weeping, some intreating of him, that he would do his best. After some little repast, he went to see Democritus, the people following him, whom he found (as before) in his garden in the suburbs all alone, [230]"sitting upon a stone under a plane tree, without hose or shoes, with a book on his knees, cutting up several beasts, and busy at his study." The mult.i.tude stood gazing round about to see the congress.

Hippocrates, after a little pause, saluted him by his name, whom he resaluted, ashamed almost that he could not call him likewise by his, or that he had forgot it. Hippocrates demanded of him what he was doing: he told him that he was [231]"busy in cutting up several beasts, to find out the cause of madness and melancholy." Hippocrates commended his work, admiring his happiness and leisure. And why, quoth Democritus, have not you that leisure? Because, replied Hippocrates, domestic affairs hinder, necessary to be done for ourselves, neighbours, friends; expenses, diseases, frailties and mortalities which happen; wife, children, servants, and such business which deprive us of our time. At this speech Democritus profusely laughed (his friends and the people standing by, weeping in the mean time, and lamenting his madness). Hippocrates asked the reason why he laughed. He told him, at the vanities and the fopperies of the time, to see men so empty of all virtuous actions, to hunt so far after gold, having no end of ambition; to take such infinite pains for a little glory, and to be favoured of men; to make such deep mines into the earth for gold, and many times to find nothing, with loss of their lives and fortunes. Some to love dogs, others horses, some to desire to be obeyed in many provinces,[232]

and yet themselves will know no obedience. [233]Some to love their wives dearly at first, and after a while to forsake and hate them; begetting children, with much care and cost for their education, yet when they grow to man's estate, [234]to despise, neglect, and leave them naked to the world's mercy. [235]Do not these behaviours express their intolerable folly? When men live in peace, they covet war, detesting quietness, [236]

deposing kings, and advancing others in their stead, murdering some men to beget children of their wives. How many strange humours are in men! When they are poor and needy, they seek riches, and when they have them, they do not enjoy them, but hide them under ground, or else wastefully spend them.

O wise Hippocrates, I laugh at such things being done, but much more when no good comes of them, and when they are done to so ill purpose. There is no truth or justice found amongst them, for they daily plead one against another, [237]the son against the father and the mother, brother against brother, kindred and friends of the same quality; and all this for riches, whereof after death they cannot be possessors. And yet notwithstanding they will defame and kill one another, commit all unlawful actions, contemning G.o.d and men, friends and country. They make great account of many senseless things, esteeming them as a great part of their treasure, statues, pictures, and such like movables, dear bought, and so cunningly wrought, as nothing but speech wanteth in them, [238]and yet they hate living persons speaking to them. [239]Others affect difficult things; if they dwell on firm land they will remove to an island, and thence to land again, being no way constant to their desires. They commend courage and strength in wars, and let themselves be conquered by l.u.s.t and avarice; they are, in brief, as disordered in their minds, as Thersites was in his body. And now, methinks, O most worthy Hippocrates, you should not reprehend my laughing, perceiving so many fooleries in men; [240]for no man will mock his own folly, but that which he seeth in a second, and so they justly mock one another. The drunkard calls him a glutton whom he knows to be sober. Many men love the sea, others husbandry; briefly, they cannot agree in their own trades and professions, much less in their lives and actions.

When Hippocrates heard these words so readily uttered, without premeditation, to declare the world's vanity, full of ridiculous contrariety, he made answer, that necessity compelled men to many such actions, and divers wills ensuing from divine permission, that we might not be idle, being nothing is so odious to them as sloth and negligence.

Besides, men cannot foresee future events, in this uncertainty of human affairs; they would not so marry, if they could foretell the causes of their dislike and separation; or parents, if they knew the hour of their children's death, so tenderly provide for them; or an husbandman sow, if he thought there would be no increase; or a merchant adventure to sea, if he foresaw shipwreck; or be a magistrate, if presently to be deposed. Alas, worthy Democritus, every man hopes the best, and to that end he doth it, and therefore no such cause, or ridiculous occasion of laughter.

Democritus hearing this poor excuse, laughed again aloud, perceiving he wholly mistook him, and did not well understand what he had said concerning perturbations and tranquillity of the mind. Insomuch, that if men would govern their actions by discretion and providence, they would not declare themselves fools as now they do, and he should have no cause of laughter; but (quoth he) they swell in this life as if they were immortal, and demiG.o.ds, for want of understanding. It were enough to make them wise, if they would but consider the mutability of this world, and how it wheels about, nothing being firm and sure. He that is now above, tomorrow is beneath; he that sate on this side today, tomorrow is hurled on the other: and not considering these matters, they fall into many inconveniences and troubles, coveting things of no profit, and thirsting after them, tumbling headlong into many calamities. So that if men would attempt no more than what they can bear, they should lead contented lives, and learning to know themselves, would limit their ambition, [241]they would perceive then that nature hath enough without seeking such superfluities, and unprofitable things, which bring nothing with them but grief and molestation. As a fat body is more subject to diseases, so are rich men to absurdities and fooleries, to many casualties and cross inconveniences. There are many that take no heed what happeneth to others by bad conversation, and therefore overthrow themselves in the same manner through their own fault, not foreseeing dangers manifest. These are things (O more than mad, quoth he) that give me matter of laughter, by suffering the pains of your impieties, as your avarice, envy, malice, enormous villainies, mutinies, unsatiable desires, conspiracies, and other incurable vices; besides your [242]dissimulation and hypocrisy, bearing deadly hatred one to the other, and yet shadowing it with a good face, flying out into all filthy l.u.s.ts, and transgressions of all laws, both of nature and civility. Many things which they have left off, after a while they fall to again, husbandry, navigation; and leave again, fickle and inconstant as they are. When they are young, they would be old, and old, young. [243] Princes commend a private life; private men itch after honour: a magistrate commends a quiet life; a quiet man would be in his office, and obeyed as he is: and what is the cause of all this, but that they know not themselves? Some delight to destroy, [244]one to build, another to spoil one country to enrich another and himself. [245]In all these things they are like children, in whom is no judgment or counsel and resemble beasts, saving that beasts are better than they, as being contented with nature. [246] When shall you see a lion hide gold in the ground, or a bull contend for better pasture? When a boar is thirsty, he drinks what will serve him, and no more; and when his belly is full, ceaseth to eat: but men are immoderate in both, as in l.u.s.t--they covet carnal copulation at set times; men always, ruinating thereby the health of their bodies. And doth it not deserve laughter to see an amorous fool torment himself for a wench; weep, howl for a misshapen s.l.u.t, a dowdy sometimes, that might have his choice of the finest beauties? Is there any remedy for this in physic? I do anatomise and cut up these poor beasts, [247]to see these distempers, vanities, and follies, yet such proof were better made on man's body, if my kind nature would endure it: [248]who from the hour of his birth is most miserable; weak, and sickly; when he sucks he is guided by others, when he is grown great practiseth unhappiness [249]and is st.u.r.dy, and when old, a child again, and repenteth him of his life past.

And here being interrupted by one that brought books, he fell to it again, that all were mad, careless, stupid. To prove my former speeches, look into courts, or private houses. [250]Judges give judgment according to their own advantage, doing manifest wrong to poor innocents to please others.

Notaries alter sentences, and for money lose their deeds. Some make false monies; others counterfeit false weights. Some abuse their parents, yea corrupt their own sisters; others make long libels and pasquils, defaming men of good life, and extol such as are lewd and vicious. Some rob one, some another: [251]magistrates make laws against thieves, and are the veriest thieves themselves. Some kill themselves, others despair, not obtaining their desires. Some dance, sing, laugh, feast and banquet, whilst others sigh, languish, mourn and lament, having neither meat, drink, nor clothes. [252]Some prank up their bodies, and have their minds full of execrable vices. Some trot about [253]to bear false witness, and say anything for money; and though judges know of it, yet for a bribe they wink at it, and suffer false contracts to prevail against equity. Women are all day a dressing, to pleasure other men abroad, and go like s.l.u.ts at home, not caring to please their own husbands whom they should. Seeing men are so fickle, so sottish, so intemperate, why should not I laugh at those to whom [254]folly seems wisdom, will not be cured, and perceive it not?

It grew late: Hippocrates left him; and no sooner was he come away, but all the citizens came about flocking, to know how he liked him. He told them in brief, that notwithstanding those small neglects of his attire, body, diet, [255]the world had not a wiser, a more learned, a more honest man, and they were much deceived to say that he was mad.

Thus Democritus esteemed of the world in his time, and this was the cause of his laughter: and good cause he had.

[256] "Olim jure quidem, nunc plus Democrite ride; Quin rides? vita haec nunc mage ridicula est."

"Democritus did well to laugh of old, Good cause he had, but now much more; This life of ours is more ridiculous Than that of his, or long before."

Never so much cause of laughter as now, never so many fools and madmen.

'Tis not one [257]Democritus will serve turn to laugh in these days; we have now need of a "Democritus to laugh at Democritus;" one jester to flout at another, one fool to fleer at another: a great stentorian Democritus, as big as that Rhodian Colossus, For now, as [258]Salisburiensis said in his time, _totus mundus histrionem agit_, the whole world plays the fool; we have a new theatre, a new scene, a new comedy of errors, a new company of personate actors, _volupiae sacra_ (as Calcagninus willingly feigns in his Apologues) are celebrated all the world over, [259]where all the actors were madmen and fools, and every hour changed habits, or took that which came next. He that was a mariner today, is an apothecary tomorrow; a smith one while, a philosopher another, _in his volupiae ludis_; a king now with his crown, robes, sceptre, attendants, by and by drove a loaded a.s.s before him like a carter, &c. If Democritus were alive now, he should see strange alterations, a new company of counterfeit vizards, whifflers, c.u.mane a.s.ses, maskers, mummers, painted puppets, outsides, fantastic shadows, gulls, monsters, giddy-heads, b.u.t.terflies. And so many of them are indeed ([260]if all be true that I have read). For when Jupiter and Juno's wedding was solemnised of old, the G.o.ds were all invited to the feast, and many n.o.ble men besides: Amongst the rest came Crysalus, a Persian prince, bravely attended, rich in golden attires, in gay robes, with a majestical presence, but otherwise an a.s.s. The G.o.ds seeing him come in such pomp and state, rose up to give him place, _ex habitu hominem metientes_; [261]but Jupiter perceiving what he was, a light, fantastic, idle fellow, turned him and his proud followers into b.u.t.terflies: and so they continue still (for aught I know to the contrary) roving about in pied coats, and are called chrysalides by the wiser sort of men: that is, golden outsides, drones, and flies, and things of no worth. Mult.i.tudes of such, &c.

[262] ------"ubique invenies Stultos avaros, sycopliantas prodigos."

Many additions, much increase of madness, folly, vanity, should Democritus observe, were he now to travel, or could get leave of Pluto to come see fashions, as Charon did in Lucian to visit our cities of Moronia Pia, and Moronia Felix: sure I think he would break the rim of his belly with laughing. [263]_Si foret in terris rideret Democritus, seu_, &c.

A satirical Roman in his time, thought all vice, folly, and madness were all at full sea, [264]_Omne in praecipiti vitium stet.i.t._

[265]Josephus the historian taxeth his countrymen Jews for bragging of their vices, publishing their follies, and that they did contend amongst themselves who should be most notorious in villainies; but we flow higher in madness, far beyond them,

[266] "Mox daturi progeniem vitiosorem,"

"And yet with crimes to us unknown, Our sons shall mark the coming age their own,"

and the latter end (you know whose oracle it is) is like to be worse. 'Tis not to be denied, the world alters every day, _Ruunt urbes, regna transferuntur, &c. variantur habitus, leges innovantur_, as [267]Petrarch observes, we change language, habits, laws, customs, manners, but not vices, not diseases, not the symptoms of folly and madness, they are still the same. And as a river, we see, keeps the like name and place, but not water, and yet ever runs, [268]_Labitur et labetur in omne volubilis aevum_; our times and persons alter, vices are the same, and ever will be; look how nightingales sang of old, c.o.c.ks crowed, kine lowed, sheep bleated, sparrows chirped, dogs barked, so they do still: we keep our madness still, play the fools still, _nec dum finitus Orestes_; we are of the same humours and inclinations as our predecessors were; you shall find us all alike, much at one, we and our sons, _Et nati natorum, et qui nasc.u.n.tur ab illis_.

And so shall our posterity continue to the last. But to speak of times present.

If Democritus were alive now, and should but see the superst.i.tion of our age, our [269]religious madness, as [270]Meteran calls it, _Religiosam insaniam_, so many professed Christians, yet so few imitators of Christ; so much talk of religion, so much science, so little conscience; so much knowledge, so many preachers, so little practice; such variety of sects, such have and hold of all sides, [271]--_obvia signis Signa_, &c., such absurd and ridiculous traditions and ceremonies: If he should meet a [272]

Capuchin, a Franciscan, a Pharisaical Jesuit, a man-serpent, a shave-crowned Monk in his robes, a begging Friar, or, see their three-crowned Sovereign Lord the Pope, poor Peter's successor, _servus servorum Dei_, to depose kings with his foot, to tread on emperors' necks, make them stand barefoot and barelegged at his gates, hold his bridle and stirrup, &c. (O that Peter and Paul were alive to see this!) If he should observe a [273]prince creep so devoutly to kiss his toe, and those red-cap cardinals, poor parish priests of old, now princes' companions; what would he say? _Coelum ipsum pet.i.tur stult.i.tia_. Had he met some of our devout pilgrims going barefoot to Jerusalem, our lady of Lauretto, Rome, S. Iago, S. Thomas' Shrine, to creep to those counterfeit and maggot-eaten relics; had he been present at a ma.s.s, and seen such kissing of paxes, crucifixes, cringes, duckings, their several attires and ceremonies, pictures of saints, [274]indulgences, pardons, vigils, fasting, feasts, crossing, knocking, kneeling at Ave-Marias, bells, with many such; _--jucunda rudi spectacula plebi_,[275] praying in gibberish, and mumbling of beads. Had he heard an old woman say her prayers in Latin, their sprinkling of holy water, and going a procession,

[276] ------"incedunt monachorum agmina mille; Quid momerem vexilla, cruces, idolaque culta," &c.

Their breviaries, bulls, hallowed beans, exorcisms, pictures, curious crosses, fables, and baubles. Had he read the Golden Legend, the Turks'

Alcoran, or Jews' Talmud, the Rabbins' Comments, what would he have thought? How dost thou think he might have been affected? Had he more particularly examined a Jesuit's life amongst the rest, he should have seen an hypocrite profess poverty, [277]and yet possess more goods and lands than many princes, to have infinite treasures and revenues; teach others to fast, and play the gluttons themselves; like watermen that row one way and look another. [278]Vow virginity, talk of holiness, and yet indeed a notorious bawd, and famous fornicator, _lascivum pecus_, a very goat. Monks by profession, [279]such as give over the world, and the vanities of it, and yet a Machiavellian rout [280]interested in all manner of state: holy men, peace-makers, and yet composed of envy, l.u.s.t, ambition, hatred, and malice; firebrands, _adulta patriae pestis_, traitors, a.s.sa.s.sinats, _hac itur ad astra_, and this is to supererogate, and merit heaven for themselves and others. Had he seen on the adverse side, some of our nice and curious schismatics in another extreme, abhor all ceremonies, and rather lose their lives and livings, than do or admit anything Papists have formerly used, though in things indifferent (they alone are the true Church, _sal terrae, c.u.m sint omnium insulsissimi_). Formalists, out of fear and base flattery, like so many weather-c.o.c.ks turn round, a rout of temporisers, ready to embrace and maintain all that is or shall be proposed in hope of preferment: another Epicurean company, lying at lurch as so many vultures, watching for a prey of Church goods, and ready to rise by the downfall of any: as [281]Lucian said in like case, what dost thou think Democritus would have done, had he been spectator of these things?

Or had he but observed the common people follow like so many sheep one of their fellows drawn by the horns over a gap, some for zeal, some for fear, _quo se cunque rapit tempestas_, to credit all, examine nothing, and yet ready to die before they will adjure any of those ceremonies to which they have been accustomed; others out of hypocrisy frequent sermons, knock their b.r.e.a.s.t.s, turn up their eyes, pretend zeal, desire reformation, and yet professed usurers, gripers, monsters of men, harpies, devils in their lives, to express nothing less.

What would he have said to see, hear, and read so many b.l.o.o.d.y battles, so many thousands slain at once, such streams of blood able to turn mills: _unius ob noxam furiasque_, or to make sport for princes, without any just cause, [282]"for vain t.i.tles" (saith Austin), "precedency, some wench, or such like toy, or out of desire of domineering, vainglory, malice, revenge, folly, madness," (goodly causes all, _ob quas universus...o...b..s bellis et caedibus misceatur_,) whilst statesmen themselves in the mean time are secure at home, pampered with all delights and pleasures, take their ease, and follow their l.u.s.ts, not considering what intolerable misery poor soldiers endure, their often wounds, hunger, thirst, &c., the lamentable cares, torments, calamities, and oppressions that accompany such proceedings, they feel not, take no notice of it. "So wars are begun, by the persuasion of a few debauched, hair-brain, poor, dissolute, hungry captains, parasitical fawners, unquiet hotspurs, restless innovators, green heads, to satisfy one man's private spleen, l.u.s.t, ambition, avarice," &c.; _tales rapiunt scelerata in praelia causae. Flos hominum_, proper men, well proportioned, carefully brought up, able both in body and mind, sound, led like so many [283]beasts to the slaughter in the flower of their years, pride, and full strength, without all remorse and pity, sacrificed to Pluto, killed up as so many sheep, for devils' food, 40,000 at once. At once, said I, that were tolerable, but these wars last always, and for many ages; nothing so familiar as this hacking and hewing, ma.s.sacres, murders, desolations--_ignoto coelum clangore remugit_, they care not what mischief they procure, so that they may enrich themselves for the present; they will so long blow the coals of contention, till all the world be consumed with fire. The [284]siege of Troy lasted ten years, eight months, there died 870,000 Grecians, 670,000 Trojans, at the taking of the city, and after were slain 276,000 men, women, and children of all sorts. Caesar killed a million, [285]Mahomet the second Turk, 300,000 persons; Sicinius Dentatus fought in a hundred battles, eight times in single combat he overcame, had forty wounds before, was rewarded with 140 crowns, triumphed nine times for his good service. M. Sergius had 32 wounds; Scaeva, the Centurion, I know not how many; every nation had their Hectors, Scipios, Caesars, and Alexanders! Our [286]Edward the Fourth was in 26 battles afoot: and as they do all, he glories in it, 'tis related to his honour. At the siege of Hierusalem, 1,100,000 died with sword and famine. At the battle of Cannas, 70,000 men were slain, as [287]Polybius records, and as many at Battle Abbey with us; and 'tis no news to fight from sun to sun, as they did, as Constantine and Licinius, &c. At the siege of Ostend (the devil's academy) a poor town in respect, a small fort, but a great grave, 120,000 men lost their lives, besides whole towns, dorps, and hospitals, full of maimed soldiers; there were engines, fireworks, and whatsoever the devil could invent to do mischief with 2,500,000 iron bullets shot of 40 pounds weight, three or four millions of gold consumed. [288]"Who" (saith mine author) "can be sufficiently amazed at their flinty hearts, obstinacy, fury, blindness, who without any likelihood of good success, hazard poor soldiers, and lead them without pity to the slaughter, which may justly be called the rage of furious beasts, that run without reason upon their own deaths:" [289]_quis malus genius, quae furia quae pestis_, &c.; what plague, what fury brought so devilish, so brutish a thing as war first into men's minds? Who made so soft and peaceable a creature, born to love, mercy, meekness, so to rave, rage like beasts, and run on to their own destruction? how may Nature expostulate with mankind, _Ego te divinum animal finxi_, &c.? I made thee an harmless, quiet, a divine creature: how may G.o.d expostulate, and all good men? yet, _horum facta_ (as [290]one condoles) _tantum admirantur, et heroum numero habent_: these are the brave spirits, the gallants of the world, these admired alone, triumph alone, have statues, crowns, pyramids, obelisks to their eternal fame, that immortal genius attends on them, _hac itur ad astra_. When Rhodes was besieged, [291]_fossae urbis cadaveribus repletae sunt_, the ditches were full of dead carcases: and as when the said Suleiman, great Turk, beleaguered Vienna, they lay level with the top of the walls. This they make a sport of, and will do it to their friends and confederates, against oaths, vows, promises, by treachery or otherwise; [292]--_dolus an virtus?

quis in hoste requirat_? leagues and laws of arms, ([293]_silent leges inter arma_,) for their advantage, _omnia jura, divina, humana, proculcata plerumque sunt_; G.o.d's and men's laws are trampled under foot, the sword alone determines all; to satisfy their l.u.s.t and spleen, they care not what they attempt, say, or do, [294]_Rara fides, probitasque viris qui castra sequuntur._ Nothing so common as to have [295] "father fight against the son, brother against brother, kinsman against kinsman, kingdom against kingdom, province against province, Christians against Christians:" _a quibus nec unquam cogitatione fuerunt laesi_, of whom they never had offence in thought, word, or deed. Infinite treasures consumed, towns burned, flourishing cities sacked and ruinated, _quodque animus meminisse horret_, goodly countries depopulated and left desolate, old inhabitants expelled, trade and traffic decayed, maids deflowered, _Virgines nondum thalamis jugatae, et comis nondum positis ephaebi_; chaste matrons cry out with Andromache, [296]_Concubitum mox cogar pati ejus, qui interemit Hectorem_, they shall be compelled peradventure to lie with them that erst killed their husbands: to see rich, poor, sick, sound, lords, servants, _eodem omnes incommodo macti_, consumed all or maimed, &c. _Et quicquid gaudens scelere animus audet, et perversa mens_, saith Cyprian, and whatsoever torment, misery, mischief, h.e.l.l itself, the devil, [297] fury and rage can invent to their own ruin and destruction; so abominable a thing is [298]war, as Gerbelius concludes, _adeo foeda et abominanda res est bellum, ex quo hominum caedes, vastationes_, &c., the scourge of G.o.d, cause, effect, fruit and punishment of sin, and not _tonsura humani generis_ as Tertullian calls it, but _ruina_. Had Democritus been present at the late civil wars in France, those abominable wars--_bellaque matribus detestata_, [299]"where in less than ten years, ten thousand men were consumed," saith Collignius, twenty thousand churches overthrown; nay, the whole kingdom subverted (as [300]Richard Dinoth adds). So many myriads of the commons were butchered up, with sword, famine, war, _tanto odio utrinque ut barbari ad abhorrendam lanienam obstupescerent_, with such feral hatred, the world was amazed at it: or at our late Pharsalian fields in the time of Henry the Sixth, betwixt the houses of Lancaster and York, a hundred thousand men slain, [301]one writes; [302]another, ten thousand families were rooted out, "that no man can but marvel," saith Comineus, "at that barbarous immanity, feral madness, committed betwixt men of the same nation, language, and religion." [303]_Quis furor, O cives_? "Why do the Gentiles so furiously rage," saith the Prophet David, Psal. ii. 1. But we may ask, why do the Christians so furiously rage? [304]_Arma volunt, quare posc.u.n.t, rapiuntque juventus_? Unfit for Gentiles, much less for us so to tyrannise, as the Spaniard in the West Indies, that killed up in 42 years (if we may believe [305]Bartholomeus a Casa, their own bishop) 12 millions of men, with stupend and exquisite torments; neither should I lie (said he) if I said 50 millions. I omit those French ma.s.sacres, Sicilian evensongs, [306]the Duke of Alva's tyrannies, our gunpowder machinations, and that fourth fury, as [307]one calls it, the Spanish inquisition, which quite obscures those ten persecutions, [308]------_saevit toto Mars impius...o...b..._ Is not this [309]_mundus furiosus_, a mad world, as he terms it, _insanum bellum_? are not these mad men, as [310]Scaliger concludes, _qui in praelio acerba morte, insaniae, suae memoriam pro perpetuo teste relinquunt posteritati_; which leave so frequent battles, as perpetual memorials of their madness to all succeeding ages? Would this, think you, have enforced our Democritus to laughter, or rather made him turn his tune, alter his tone, and weep with [311]Herac.l.i.tus, or rather howl, [312]roar, and tear his hair in commiseration, stand amazed; or as the poets feign, that Niobe was for grief quite stupefied, and turned to a stone? I have not yet said the worst, that which is more absurd and [313]mad, in their tumults, seditions, civil and unjust wars, [314]_quod stulte sucipitur, impie geritur, misere finitur_. Such wars I mean; for all are not to be condemned, as those fantastical Anabaptists vainly conceive. Our Christian tactics are all out as necessary as the Roman acies, or Grecian phalanx, to be a soldier is a most n.o.ble and honourable profession (as the world is), not to be spared, they are our best walls and bulwarks, and I do therefore acknowledge that of [315]Tully to be most true, "All our civil affairs, all our studies, all our pleading, industry, and commendation lies under the protection of warlike virtues, and whensoever there is any suspicion of tumult, all our arts cease;" wars are most behoveful, _et bellatores agricolis civitati sunt utiliores_, as [316]Tyrius defends: and valour is much to be commended in a wise man; but they mistake most part, _auferre, trucidare, rapere, falsis nominibus virtutem vocant_, &c. ('Twas Galgacus'

observation in Tacitus) they term theft, murder, and rapine, virtue, by a wrong name, rapes, slaughters, ma.s.sacres, &c. _jocus et ludus_, are pretty pastimes, as Ludovicus Vives notes. [317]"They commonly call the most hair-brain bloodsuckers, strongest thieves, the most desperate villains, treacherous rogues, inhuman murderers, rash, cruel and dissolute caitiffs, courageous and generous spirits, heroical and worthy captains, [318]brave men at arms, valiant and renowned soldiers, possessed with a brute persuasion of false honour," as Pontus Huter in his Burgundian history complains. By means of which it comes to pa.s.s that daily so many voluntaries offer themselves, leaving their sweet wives, children, friends, for sixpence (if they can get it) a day, prost.i.tute their lives and limbs, desire to enter upon breaches, lie sentinel, perdu, give the first onset, stand in the fore front of the battle, marching bravely on, with a cheerful noise of drums and trumpets, such vigour and alacrity, so many banners streaming in the air, glittering armours, motions of plumes, woods of pikes, and swords, variety of colours, cost and magnificence, as if they went in triumph, now victors to the Capitol, and with such pomp, as when Darius' army marched to meet Alexander at Issus. Void of all fear they run into imminent dangers, cannon's mouth, &c., _ut vulneribus suis ferrum hostium hebetent_, saith [319]Barletius, to get a name of valour, humour and applause, which lasts not either, for it is but a mere flash this fame, and like a rose, _intra diem unum extinguitur_, 'tis gone in an instant. Of 15,000 proletaries slain in a battle, scarce fifteen are recorded in history, or one alone, the General perhaps, and after a while his and their names are likewise blotted out, the whole battle itself is forgotten. Those Grecian orators, _summa vi ingenii et eloquentiae_, set out the renowned overthrows at Thermopylae, Salamis, Marathon, Micale, Mantinea, Cheronaea, Plataea. The Romans record their battle at Cannas, and Pharsalian fields, but they do but record, and we scarce hear of them. And yet this supposed honour, popular applause, desire of immortality by this means, pride and vainglory spur them on many times rashly and unadvisedly, to make away themselves and mult.i.tudes of others. Alexander was sorry, because there were no more worlds for him to conquer, he is admired by some for it, _animosa vox videtur, et regia_, 'twas spoken like a Prince; but as wise [320]Seneca censures him, 'twas _vox inquissima et stultissima_, 'twas spoken like a Bedlam fool; and that sentence which the same [321]Seneca appropriates to his father Philip and him, I apply to them all, _Non minores fuere pestes mortalium quam inundatio, quam conflagratio, quibus_, &c. they did as much mischief to mortal men as fire and water, those merciless elements when they rage. [322]Which is yet more to be lamented, they persuade them this h.e.l.lish course of life is holy, they promise heaven to such as venture their lives _bello sacro_, and that by these b.l.o.o.d.y wars, as Persians, Greeks, and Romans of old, as modern Turks do now their commons, to encourage them to fight, _ut cadant infeliciter_. "If they die in the field, they go directly to heaven, and shall be canonised for saints." (O diabolical invention!) put in the Chronicles, _in perpetuam rei memoriam_, to their eternal memory: when as in truth, as [323]some hold, it were much better (since wars are the scourge of G.o.d for sin, by which he punisheth mortal men's peevishness and folly) such brutish stories were suppressed, because _ad morum inst.i.tutionem nihil habent_, they conduce not at all to manners, or good life. But they will have it thus nevertheless, and so they put note of [324]"divinity upon the most cruel and pernicious plague of human kind," adore such men with grand t.i.tles, degrees, statues, images, [325]honour, applaud, and highly reward them for their good service, no greater glory than to die in the field. So Africa.n.u.s is extolled by Ennius: Mars, and [326]Hercules, and I know not how many besides of old, were deified; went this way to heaven, that were indeed b.l.o.o.d.y butchers, wicked destroyers, and troublers of the world, prodigious monsters, h.e.l.l-hounds, feral plagues, devourers, common executioners of human kind, as Lactantius truly proves, and Cyprian to Donat, such as were desperate in wars, and precipitately made away themselves, (like those Celts in Damascen, with ridiculous valour, _ut dedecorosum putarent muro ruenti se subducere_, a disgrace to run away for a rotten wall, now ready to fall on their heads,) such as will not rush on a sword's point, or seek to shun a cannon's shot, are base cowards, and no valiant men. By which means, _Madet orbis mutuo sanguine_, the earth wallows in her own blood,

[327]_Savit amor ferri et scelerati insania belli_; and for that, which if it be done in private, a man shall be rigorously executed, [328]"and which is no less than murder itself; if the same fact be done in public in wars, it is called manhood, and the party is honoured for it."

[329] ------"Prosperum et felix scelus, Virtus vocatur."------

We measure all as Turks do, by the event, and most part, as Cyprian notes, in all ages, countries, places, _saevitiae magnitudo impunitatem sceleris acquirit_; the foulness of the fact vindicates the offender. [330]One is crowned for that which another is tormented: _Ille crucem sceleris precium tulit, hic diadema_; made a knight, a lord, an earl, a great duke, (as [331]Agrippa notes) for that which another should have hung in gibbets, as a terror to the rest,

[332] ------"et tamen alter, Si fecisset idem, caderet sub judice morum."

A poor sheep-stealer is hanged for stealing of victuals, compelled peradventure by necessity of that intolerable cold, hunger, and thirst, to save himself from starving: but a [333]great man in office may securely rob whole provinces, undo thousands, pill and poll, oppress _ad libitum_, flea, grind, tyrannise, enrich himself by spoils of the commons, be uncontrollable in his actions, and after all, be recompensed with turgent t.i.tles, honoured for his good service, and no man dare find fault, or [334]

mutter at it.

How would our Democritus have been affected to see a wicked caitiff or [335]"fool, a very idiot, a funge, a golden a.s.s, a monster of men, to have many good men, wise, men, learned men to attend upon him with all submission, as an appendix to his riches, for that respect alone, because he hath more wealth and money," [336]"to honour him with divine t.i.tles, and bombast epithets," to smother him with fumes and eulogies, whom they know to be a dizzard, a fool, a covetous wretch, a beast, &c. "because he is rich?" To see _sub exuviis leonis onagrum_, a filthy loathsome carca.s.s, a Gorgon's head puffed up by parasites, a.s.sume this unto himself, glorious t.i.tles, in worth an infant, a c.u.man a.s.s, a painted sepulchre, an Egyptian temple? To see a withered face, a diseased, deformed, cankered complexion, a rotten carca.s.s, a viperous mind, and Epicurean soul set out with orient pearls, jewels, diadems, perfumes, curious elaborate works, as proud of his clothes as a child of his new coats; and a goodly person, of an angel-like divine countenance, a saint, an humble mind, a meet spirit clothed in rags, beg, and now ready to be starved? To see a silly contemptible sloven in apparel, ragged in his coat, polite in speech, of a divine spirit, wise?

another neat in clothes, spruce, full of courtesy, empty of grace, wit, talk nonsense?

To see so many lawyers, advocates, so many tribunals, so little justice; so many magistrates, so little care of common good; so many laws, yet never more disorders; _Tribunal litium segetem_, the Tribunal a labyrinth, so many thousand suits in one court sometimes, so violently followed? To see _injustissimum saepe juri praesidentem, impium religioni, imperitissimum eruditioni, otiosissimum labori, monstrosum humanitati_? to see a lamb [337]executed, a wolf p.r.o.nounce sentence, _latro_ arraigned, and _fur_ sit on the bench, the judge severely punish others, and do worse himself, [338]

_cundem furtum facere et punire_, [339]_rapinam plectere, quum sit ipse raptor_? Laws altered, misconstrued, interpreted pro and con, as the [340]judge is made by friends, bribed, or otherwise affected as a nose of wax, good today, none tomorrow; or firm in his opinion, cast in his?