It stings because I know it is true.

I swallow. They missed you too.

He looks down. Do not trouble yourself to tell me of them, they are my fault, not yours.

I feel tears sting my eyes. Vader.

He looks up but when I do not go on, he rights himself. You are welcome to be open.

I am surprised by this a little. I remember him being a patient loving vader, but somehow over the course of the past few months, I had dreamed up a new version, and during the course of the last few hours when I learned his true identity, I had lost hope of receiving the vader I had lost. I shake my head and stay quiet.

He sighs and shifts his stance. My explanations are useless after what I put you and our family through, he is quiet. But I must offer them with the most sincere apology.

I swallow down the tears. It was notyour fault.

He meets my gaze and holds it. May I?

I watch him a moment, not sure of what he means, then I nod. He steps forward and strides steadily to me. When he is a foot or two away, he stops and regains his trust. When I do not request otherwise, he carefully reaches out to me and lightly brushes my cheek with his thumb. I do not move as he touches me, for since he left us, I had dreamed of his hands once more braiding through my hair and his laugh guiding me past my fears. Now, even as it comes true, I realize the dream had been forgotten for another. I feel a sudden urge to bolt from here rush through me. I know I am surrounded by men and wouldnt make it one step up that blasted ladder to the top deck, but if I could at least try to runtry for my new dreamthe one forgotten just five minutes ago when I rediscovered my first one...

He softens and I feel his pleasure blossoming inside him. I feel a sense of esteem that I could help someone to feel this way just by being with them again. You have grown up to be lovely, he whispers, complementing me.

I swallow as I think of Nadeje, where he would be, what he would be feeling at this moment. I drop my gaze down to the ground as my vader continues to see me as though for the first time.

Lyra?

I look up.

His kind eyes read mine like a book. You are not well I want to burst into sobs and let him see what I feel, but I know it will only hurt him and Zenith to know of my new dreams; to know that I had left this one long behind.

He looks past me, and that is when he seems to remember Zenith. He steps back an inch, as though he has found the cause. Is it of any relation to your betrothal?

I cannot answer.

He seems to understand. You are contracted to each other by agreement between his family and yoursby the Pope. Thus if any impropriety before the ceremony takes place occurs, it will not be ill received.

I feel my heart hammer. It had taken place, but with a different man.

You are allowed to show affections, but the public is required to report any extreme engagements between you two to me. Zenith is willing to take my place as your master and protector and must be given the respect he justifies. I feel that the fondness lies between you two already however, so I am not to direct you in that way.

I am lost. I do not wish this.

Zenith and I have conversed. You will be wedded as is settled when the cargo is unloaded and when I find us place to stay off the ship. Answers to further questions you may not receivethe dowry is settled and I am happy with your moeders choice.

There is a dreadful silence and I feel myself trembling. I wish to speak, but I feel my weakness is too strong to defeat any word he has said or might argue against me with. I cannot meet his gaze. I feel Zenith behind me, and the thought that I may be forced to be with him behind me always is what helps me to open my mouth.

Youdont understand, it comes out soft and weak.

He must think me irrelevant to the last discussion. No, he says gently. I dont.

I look up. VaderyouI I look him deep in the eyes. My want to be marriedIhave changed He looks confused. I need your clear definition of change.

I feel my heads thudding begin to grow and force down the sickness. I do not wish to be wed with Zenith.

There is a long gap of silence and I feel suddenly alone.

To what degree? his voice has changed tone and is firmer.

To the point of desperation, it is a whisper.

Lyra, it has been settled.

I feel my stomach churn and I could vomit again. I cannot speak without him starting it. This makes me hate my moeder for her teachings of etiquette.

Zenith is of good family and nature he pauses. Your reason is invisible to me, there is a pause. You could explain it to me, perhaps.

I feel my heart flutter with hope. I look up. Thereisreason that is dear to me I think of Nadeje and the safety of his embrace, how he could give me power and strength when he touched me, and as if he is touching me now, I grow in strength. When moeder and Meyleia were takenthe only reason I was not further hurt was...because ofprevention. I was taken somewhere where I was treated equally and kindlyand Iwas kept safe and cared forI was protected and never deniedanythingandII grew tocarefor the one who cared for me.

There was a long pause and I feel as if the air in the room has dropped several degrees.

That was imprisonment, Lyra, his eyes are stone cold, as though he had been driven by this for long. I received a letter threatening that my child was under the bars of the Spanishand that if I was to continue on my voyage after my illnessshe would be tortured. You were held there as bait.

I shake my head, half forcing away the truth of it and half standing for my reasoning. It wasnt himit was his position to take care of mehe didnt know anything of me or the purpose of his holding me untilnow.

Who? his tone is low and not as gentle.

I swallow. Heis not who he isas inwhat he isis not how he looks at the worldor actshe is gentle and not wanting and warm I can feel his patience fleeing. He is of Spanish descent.

I can feel he has stopped breathing for a few seconds. When he begins to again, I grow in need.

He was not like themhe supported usand he took care of mehe loved I stop.

He steps back, turns, and stalks to his desk. When he is there, he stops and stares down at the spread out maps.

Lyra, it is soft and loving, but I feel my hope draining away. He takes the corner of a map and folds it in such a manner that I feel I can hear it crease. I cannot allow you to feel these sentiments for a Spanish man.

I feel my heart drop. Once more I cannot speak unless I am encouraged to.

He turns slowly. Your betrothal to Zenith is settled and reasonable, it has been years of discussing and planning to make it happenit would not be respectable to act on our behalf without the others consent. Your safety too, Lyra, is not to be meddled withif you were given poor life or if you are mistaken of his intentionsI cannot and will not risk your safety for a fondness for one so out of rank. There is also our bloodline.

He fingers the edge of the map and looks down and far off. Our blood is such thatthe family line is so pure. It would not be reputable or decent at all to mix your blood with one so diverseit would certainly ruin the family name. I will not have all this weighing on you with a marriage. It would be irrational and be seen as a foul move on my part. It is highly proved that you are our last blood relative leftand so it is my misfortune to have to strongly encourage your wedlock to Zenith.

He raises his eyes to look at me and I stare back in desolation. My head is thudding, and the sound is the only thing keeping me from crumpling to the ground with a faint. I breathe shallowly and the air seems to be thinner than remembered. I swallow hard and cant even manage tears as I process all he has said. I feel my breath rattling in my chest and force away the mixed emotions which cause this. I can tell he is not pleased with the ways of society, but I also see that he is pleased with his way of dealing with me about it. I keep my eyes locked on his until I know it is useless. I turn my head away as my eyes blur with tears and a sob nearly escapes with my breath. I try to regain my composure, but the more I try the more the pain urges me to let go.

Lyra, it is soft again. It is your duty.

A single tear drop escapes and streams down my turned cheek. I blink hard, careful not to let the rest follow the lost drop as I can feel that I am being watched. My face burns as I know Zenith will undoubtedly be able to see the tear. I feel exposed and trapped between four barriers. One lies before me, one lies behind, and to the sides of me are walls which cannot be broken. I then have two choices; to turn and talk to the wall which would be utterly pointless, or to turn and talk to one of the living barriers whose thinking could be shifted. I cannot make myself turn at the moment, but once I have regained myself I will.

Do you wish a moment to discuss with Zenith?

I mildly shake my head.

Do you wish to be left alone?

I once more shake my head.

What is it you want?

I cannot respond.

Lyra, I have nothing to help you without I wish to go home, I let it out as weakly as I feel. I close my eyes and breathe deep. It is true in two ways; one is that the hut is technically my home, and the other is that ever since he had sheltered me, Nadeje had become my home.

The room is silent apart from the flicker of the flames in the lamps and my light breathing. I do not look around to see their expressions. I keep mine hidden with my turned cheek.

That is all you wish?

I hesitate but nod.

You will be escorted there as soon as possible, by Zenith and another man from my wing. I cannot tell you when because the chaos outside is hecticto leave you out and about thereyou could belost once more. I cant lose you again.

And I cant lose Nadeje. I know requesting no escort and going sooner would be pushing my limits, so I let it slip aside.

For now, Zenith, would you please deliver her to the upper deck where she may get fresh air?

I shake my head. I need to be alone.

He watches me, as though unused to being spoken to without direct bidding for another to do so, and I see how he has changed. He looks to Zenith. Guide her to her chamber then.

There was only a slight pause, and then the door behind me creaks open. It is my signal to move, and I do. I turn and avoiding his gaze I step out through the door. He allows me to pass but I feel the distance now between us. I start back towards the dark steps, and the light vanishes as the door is shut behind me. It is damp and cold and I wish nothing but to be upstairs and not alone with Zen. I make it to the stairs before he can assist me, and begin up them.

You are not cordial to me then? It is gentle, but I can hear his resentment.

I pull myself up a stair. NoI only cannot make myself feel a certain way.

His hand supports my waist as he starts to climb. I feel there is more to your dislike, it is a little bitter.

You are mistaken then.

He sighs. I thought you held your grounds a little firmer than that. It is mocking this time.

I hurriedly snatch up a few more steps away from him. I thought you were dead.

There is silence, and I hear him moving after me. I make it out in time as to not let him touch me again. After he draws himself out, he stands and looks around us and not at me.

So you fell in love with the enemy then?

I look at him. I cannot take your offenses right now. It is not like that Spanish man, he murmurs. Nothing so contrary to our people.

I clench my hand into a fist. Zenith, you love me?

He looks at me and his eyes pierce something inside. His expression changes as he looks at me. I thought of you oftenbut I do not know.

I watch him a moment longer, wondering if I could ever love him as I thought I could before. NoI could love himbut never as I know what love is now. Then we are not so close that it matters.

His eyes grow deeper and darker. It matters. We were given no choice in this Lyra. I believed in you and you did me. I waited for you. He is no longer humble. Our births are matched and tied by our moeders. Yours is dead and it is engraved in her stones that we were to be married...you would want to break that promise to your moeder? No. I cannot let you run after something so irresponsible and leave me to bear the rest.

I feel my throat tighten. I did have a say, I answer softly. I chose you.

His face lightens from the scowl to ignorance.

Thus I could remove you just the same.

There is no response. I walk on. I do not look back to see if he follows. I look out over the side of the ship and view the area. Around me is water and Leyden, both vast and mysterious in the new fog rolling in. I listen to the sounds around me and try to remain at calm with myself. I think of Nadeje and I know it is helpless to try. I wander away from my place and to the back of the boat to look out across the water. It looks endlessly deep, and eternal. So much must be in its depths, life that is. I think of Nadeje as I gaze out at the repetitive movements of the water. Our love, I want it to be like that; Endlessdeepeternaland lively.

I feel the light inside me flicker with the thought and look away. I cannot let myselfif it is true that I will not be allowed to join with NadejeI must distract myself. I glace to my right and find that Zenith is walking towards me. I look down at my hands as they grip the side of the boat. He is upon me. A flicker inside warns me that someone is near me, and I turn my head in time to see Zenith enter my space.

Let me take care of you, it is earnest and warm.

I cant look at him as my heart pins.

Look to me if you need helpnot someone who imprisoned you He didnt I stop as I think of the last few nights, of his love to me, and of his religion. I fight back tears as my throat tightens.

Zenith sighs and I hear him shuffle his feet as though unsure of what to do with me.

Please, I whisper. Take me somewhere aloneto the chamber, Zenith.

For a moment I am afraid he will object, but he merely sighs out impatiently and strides out behind me. I take a moment, but when I turn he has crossed only a few steps of the deck and is waiting for me. If only I could mold youI think it plainly but significantly. If only I could mold you into my new dreams, my new belovedthen all could be as we wished itall could be as it should have been.

Remembering how long I have stood here, I move to follow him. He turns to lead me and takes his time, as though giving me time. I like him, but can I love him? Can I love another after Nadeje? Can I bear to share a lifetime with someone other than Gilch? NoI couldnt bear it.

He stops before another passage down into the underdeck and I reluctantly let him draw me down with him. At the bottom, this time he does not linger and moves ahead to guide me down the lit hallway. It smells of wood and salt here, more so than above or in my vaders place underdeck. He stops before a door reading the numbers 816, and here takes a ring of keys from his pocket. I watch as he struggles a moment to find the key and, twisting it, he manages to break it from the ring. He unlocks the door and pushes it open, heading inside. I do not follow, not wanting to be in such closed corners alone with him. Not that I do not trust him, just that I cannot bear to trust him.

A shadow flickers to the ground as light spills from the door way. I remain. He exits the room and seems unsurprised by me still standing here. Reaching out, he hands me the key. I watch him, uncertain of my allowance. He watches me back, his eyes still honorable if anything.

I can imagine how distrustful you feel amongst us, especially with men you dont even know.

I take a moment to process his words, and when I do I shakily receive the key. He watches me a moment as I read the inscription in the medal, and when I look up, his eyes are full of devotion. I cannot stand it. Thankfully, he passes me and starts off back down the passage, leaving me to entertain myself. I stare down into the dark passage and it only takes the thought of how many pests or rats might live in that dark hallway for me to enter the room.

I look inside and am startled by the largeness and brightness of it. There is a cherry wood dresser to the right, and before me a queen size bed with white sheets fills most of the area. To the left is a tub and a wash basin, and a mirror hangs beside the bedside table, also to the left of the bed. I admire the desk a moment, pushed up against the entrance wall, and then silently close the door behind myself.

I dont know what to do with myself. I look at all the furniture. I had found it splendid, but now I find it weighing on my soul, only making me feel guilty that Nadeje is not in such a room, relaxed as I, and also knowing where I am.

I set the key on the desk, and after a moment of thought, I cross the room to the hanging mirror. I look at my face, seeing myself for the first time in months. I am not surprised to see that my eyes have lost their shine and are dim with what looks like deep regret, that my hair is still soft and long as I remember it, but also seemed to have dried a bit, possibly from stress. I was prepared to see the paleness of my face, and the jut of my cheek bones; but I am also unprepared to see how elegant I look, and how rosy and tender. The quality of being fed due to Nadejes care, I realize. I wonder a moment, if Nadeje too saw the abysmal quality in my eyes, the paleness of my skin, the lack of tenderness in my cheeks from being starved, or if he saw something deeper, something past all of that. If he still saw past all of that. I think of that Spanish ship heading in the opposite direction. There had only been one, but I know there had to be many more. There were many more. Many more that he could have caught.

With a leap of my heart I quickly turn away from the mirror, no longer interested in seeing the good in my face, if I had no Nadeje to serve it to. I feel the tears rising in my eyes and choke back the urge to scream. He has not left me. He would not leave me. He promised. We promised each other. We swore. Or did we?

I cannot hold it back.

There is nothing left now.