You are on the net."

"On the what?"

"The net. The network. The psychic energy network."

"Really?" ("Yeah! Yeah! Right! Right! Right!")

"Yes."

Rama, who wanted to see who else was on the net, hobbled out to the living room where Sal and Al quietly sat.

"Are you on the net?" Rama asked them.

"Yes," replied Sal, who had always been adept at learning rules to new games.

Rama looked at him suspiciously, when suddenly the phone rang.

It was Dana. Rama told her that she was on the net, seeing as how she had called at so auspicious a moment. "So," he told her, "it's me, you, Mark, and Sal..." He paused and said, "Sure, Mark is on the net. He's quick like mercury. He's right there."

I realized it was less a network than it was Rama's net, but I was happy because the man I had once been friends with was back.

I was also happy because my conflict-diffusing strategy seemed to be working.

The following morning, I greeted Rama.

He squinted his eyes and looked away.

"Is anything the matter?" I asked.

"Oh, yes," he answered, haughtily. "I know all about it."

"About what? I thought we were friends."

"Oh, sure," he replied. "I know all about that part of you.

That's the part that wants to control me."

"Rama," I said, looking him squarely in the eye. "You have two very different sides. And I like the other one better."

In the weeks that followed, Rama mostly ignored me until he uprooted the four hundred or so disciples from southern California to the suburbs of Boston. At the last meeting in Beverly Hills, he called me to the stage, put his hand on my forehead, and said, "The Infinite is naming you Agni."

The entry in my journal for the following day, April 4th, 1985, reads, "yea! got my spiritual name...AGNI...Fire...Breaker of Illusions...Vision...Third Eye...Now, everything is totally fresh & new...I feel good."

I liked the name. It represented the spiritual progress I had made despite the difficulties of the past few years. As I caravanned across America in Rama's group, the new name boosted my confidence.

It was springtime in New England. Rama rented a large house in Needham, Ma.s.sachusetts, and held Centre meetings in a church in Boston. Many disciples followed his suggestion and moved to Concord, Lincoln, or Wellesley. I moved to Wayland.

One day I bought a copy of Walden by Henry David Th.o.r.eau.

My journal entry for June 15th, 1985, reads, "Economics chapter in Walden...didn't provide any answers, but caused me to ask questions which lead to a variety of possibilities..."

One question I asked myself was: how can I pay off my debt? One solution I came up with was: commute to work by bicycle. The entry continues, "By driving to a free lot in Arlington, parking, and bicycling the remaining 7-8 miles...save $100/month; instill spirit back in me; get exercise & strength; pa.s.s Harvard & MIT daily for brain power; bike around Boston lunch time. meet girls at Faneuil Hall; be independent, mobile, self-reliant!"

The following day I bought a used three-speed for forty-five dollars and put the plan into effect. Each weekday I parked in a free lot, pedaled several miles along the Charles River, and braved downtown traffic as I sped to work, which was located two blocks from the site of the Boston Tea Party. I began to think of myself not as Rama's disciple, but as a bicyclist. On June 29th, 1985, I wrote, "i am a bicyclist.

that is my nature. swift. light. strong & sure. motion. speed.

agility. pivotable. flexible. colorful. self-propelled. motivated.

bad forces beware. i am back. and i'm riding high.

that's me. Agni. free spirit. go, now. and do not look back."

It felt good to be pursuing a dream of my own. But I sensed that Rama would equate my project with the Negative Forces, so I chose not to tell him about the daily commutes and my newfound esteem.

Perhaps as a result of my new, street-wise sense of self, I grew increasingly critical of Rama. Another entry for June reads, "What really p.i.s.ses me off is that Rama changes everything he says, contradicts himself, turns a situation around completely--so you never have a handle on him."

The following week, Rama invited me to a group LSD trip at his house.

On July 7th, 1985, I wrote, "...may be a picnic [LSD trip] tomorrow at Rama's. my intent is: to change my view of reality completely, with particular attention given toward: *becoming someone who has a girlfriend, *becoming my own person, i.e., my happiness & well-being is not hinged upon the absence (parents) or presence (Rama)(girlfriend) of any person(s)...to regain my kinship with the earth...to renew my excitement in life, to regain my integrity, self-reliance and confidence..."

The next day Rama distributed drug-soaked stamps to ten or so followers in his living room. He let us wander around the house.

Hours later, he called us to the living room and began to talk.

And talk. And talk. I tried to understand how his words were affecting us. I thought in terms of computers. I decided that he had rebooted us with LSD and now, as we were coming down, he was downloading his wordy operating system to our unformatted, receptive minds.

"He's formatting us like floppy disks!" I thought. I was about to plug my ears with my fingers when suddenly I remembered that I had brought my journal. I retrieved it and sat back down.

Rama was still talking. In the upper right hand corner of the page, where I typically included the date, I wrote, "**timeless". I was still high. Then I wrote, "...the basic Agni Operating System: boot: breath deeply 2x. Take your time. where is your stomache...who has control of it? NOTE: nothing else matters.

who ever is letting or not letting you take deep breaths of air-->if this is someone other than me, eliminate them. you breathe.

You take it ez. get good exercise. Learn ANYTHING at a pace healthy for you! So, 2 traps to avoid: 1) other people...who live my life (not me living my life); 2) people trying to help me, but i take it wrong (due to #1). whatever TRIP you're on, remember breathing.

remember who you are...never look to others to patch...Agni...You must be strong...even now, i am drawing upon a very healthy basic energy that supports me. That so is good. But over the last 7 years, i have been always rushing to meet someone else's gap.

No thanx...Everyone is the same. Some people think they are special.

No..."

Rama was talking about American Indians. "They weave people's attention,"

he said, "to help sell their products."

I wrote, "always be moving ON YOUR OWN STEAM! accept NO subst.i.tutes.

everything has power. some things are good, others not."

Rama asked what I was doing.

"I'm writing in my journal," I replied.

"What have you written?"

I read the last few sentences aloud.

"Some things have more power than others," he editorialized.

Then he began talking about me. He spoke about how, when I had lived with him, I made shakes in the blender with all kinds of "strange" ingredients.

"Why did Agni make these shakes?" he asked the disciples.

No one answered.

"One," he continued, "there was power to them.

Two, to attract attention. Three, this boy is an a.s.shole."

I wrote, "a.s.shole," and drew a circle around the word. Then I wrote, "ok but it is me. so, fine."