XXVI.

Preaches--The "Prodigal Son"--An Interruption.

CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), July 6, 1866.

I preached last Sabbath, or rather, tried to, from the parable of the Prodigal Son. We hed a splendid congregashun. I notice a revival of the work in this part uv the Dimocratic vineyard wich reely cheers me. The demonstrashun our friends made in Memphis, the canin uv Grinnel by Rosso, and the call for a Johnson Convenshun in Philadelphia, all, all hev conspired to comfort the souls uv the Dimocrisy, and encourage em to renewed effort. It is bringing forth fruit. Only last week five northern men were sent whirlin out of this section. They dusted in the night to escape hangin, leavin their goods as a prey for the righteous. Six n.i.g.g.e.rs hev bin killed and one Burow officer shot. Trooly there is everything to encourage us.

The house wuz full. The weather wuz hot, and the pleasant incense uv mingled whiskey, tobacco, and snuff wich ariz wuz grateful to me. The sun shone in on Deekin Pogram's face ez he gently slept, and when the sun hits him square I kin alluz tell wher he sets, even ef it is dark.

He drinks apple-jack instead of corn whiskey, and chaws fine cut tobacker instead uv plug, and consekently when in the pulpit I kin distinguish the pecooliar aroma uv his breath from those around him.

"My brethren," sed I, "sich uv yoo ez hev Bibles in yoor houses, kin get somebody to read yoo the parable to wich I shel call yoor attention. A man, wunst upon a time, hed sons, ez many men hev since, and wun uv em wuz a tough one. He left his home and went into far countries, makin the old man shel out his share uv the estate, and he lived high, jist, my brethren, ez yoor boys do, or rather, did, when they went to Noo Orleans, in the days when yoo hed a n.i.g.g.e.r or two wich yoo cood sell to supply em with money. He played draw poker and faro; he drank fancy drinks, and boarded at big hotels; and he follered after strange women, wich'll bust a man quicker nor any one small sin the devil hez yet invented, ez yoor pastor kin testify. Uv course, his pile give out, and he got down, my friends, did this ingenuous yooth, to rags and wretchedness, and ended in being an overseer uv swine. What did he do?

He ariz and went to his father, and the old man saw him afar off, and went out to meet him, and fell onto his neck, and give him a order for a soot of clothes and a pair uv boots, and put a ring onto his finger, and made a feast, killin for the purpose the fatted calf wich he hed saved for another occasion.

"My friends, you kin find in the Skripter suthin applicable to every occasion, and this parable fits the present time like a ready-made coat.

The South is the Prodigal Son. We went out from our father's house on a expedition wich heznt proved altogether a success. We spent our share uv the estate, and a little more. We run through with our means, and hev c.u.m down to rags, and dirt, and filth, and hunger. We are, and hev bin some time, a chawin husks. We run out after them twin harlots, Slavery and State Rights, and they've cleaned us out. Our pockets are empty. No more doth the pleasant half-dollar jingle in sweet unison agin its fellows. Our wallets is barren uv postal currency, and the grocery-keepers mourn, and refuse to be comforted, becoz we are not. We hev got to the husk stage uv our woe, and wood be tendin hogs, ef the armies, wich past through these countries, hed left us any. We hev k.u.m back. In rags and dirt we hev wended our way to Washington, and ask to be taken back. Now, why don't our father, the Government, fulfil the Skripter? Why don't it see us afar off, and run out to meet us? Why don't it put onto us a purple robe? Where's the ring for our finger, and the shoes for our feet? and where's the fatted calf he ought to kill? My brethren, them Ablishnists is worse than infiddles--while they preach the gospel they won't practise it. For my part, I--"

At this point a sargent, belongin to that infernal Burow, who wuz in the awdience, with enough uv soldiers to make opposin uv him unpleasant, sed he hed bin a sort uv an exhorter in his day, and desired to say a word in explanation uv that parable, ez applicable to the present time; and, sez he, "ef I am interrupted, remember I b'long to the church military, wich is, just now, the church triumphant." And c.o.c.kin his musket he proceeded, very much uninterrupted.

"The prodigal son," sez he, "wuz received by the old man with considerable doins, but, my worthy friends, he went out decently. He didn't, ez soon ez he withdrawed from the house, turn around and make war onto the old gentleman--he didn't burn his house and barns, tear up his garden, burn his fences, and knock down the balance uv the children.

Not any. He went away peaceably, a _misguided_ good-for-nothin, but yet a _peaceable_ good-for-nothin. Secondly, he come back uv his own akkord.

The old man didn't go after him, and fight for four years, at a cost uv half his substance, to subdue him and bring him back, but when he hed run through his pile, and squandered his share uv the estate, and got hungry, he came back like a whipped dog.

"My friends, let me draw a small parallel between these cases.

"The Prodigal Son went out,--so did the South,--thus farly the cases is alike.

"The Prodigal didn't steal nothin. The Confederacy took everything it cood lay its hands on.

"The Prodigal spent only what wuz his to spend. The Confederacy spent not only all it stole, but all it cood borrer, when it knowd its promises to pay wuzent worth the mizable paper they wuz printed onto.

"The Prodigal, when he did come, come ez penitent ez the consciousness that he hed made a fool uv hisself cood make him. The Confederacy wuz whipped back, but it still swears hefty oaths that it wuz right all the time.

"The Prodigal didn't _demand_ veal pot-pies, and purple robes, and sich, but begged to be a servant unto the more sensible brethren wich stayed.

The South comes back _demandin_ office, uv wich the fatted calf, and rings, and purple robes is typical, and considerably more share in the government than it had before it kicked over the traces, and went out like the lost tribes uv Israel.

"Spozn the Bible prodigal hed stopped his parient, and remarked to him thus: 'I am willin to come back, on conditions. Yoo must pay my debts--yoo must give me an ekal share uv the farm with the other boys--yoo must treat me in all respecks just ez ef I hadn't gone out, and--this is essential--yoo must take with me all the sharpers who ruined me, all the gamblers and thieves with whom I fell in while I wuz away, and make them head men on the place; and above all, I hev with me the two harlots wich wuz the prime cause of my ruin, and they must hev eleven of the best rooms in the house, and must be treated ez your daughters. To avoid displeasin the others, I'll dress em in different clothes, but here they must stay. Otherwise, I'll go out agin.'

"Probably the old gentleman wood hev become indignant, and would hev remarked to him to go, and never let him see his audacious face agin, or rather, he would hev strangled the harlots, scattered the blacklegs, and choked the young sprout into submission. Them's me. I am anxious to kill that fatted calf, and am also anxious to put on yoo robes and shoes.

But, alas! the calf suffered from want uv attention so long doorin the late misunderstandins that he's too poor--the robes wuz all cut up into bloo kotes for the soljers we sent out to fetch you in--the shoes they wore out, and the rings--Jeff'son Davis wears the only style we hev.

When you come back in good shape, yool find us ready to meet you; but till then, chaw husks!"

Lookin around, this armed tyrant remarked that there would be no more preaching that day, and sadly the congregation dispersed.

I'm heart sick. At every turn I make that Burow stares me in the face, and counteracts my best endeavors. It's curious, though, what different sermons kin be preached from the same text, and it's also curious how quiet our folks listen to a ablishnist who hez muskets to back him.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XXVII.

A Pleasant Dream, the Philadelphia Convention being the Subject thereof.

CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), July 28, 1866.

My dreams, uv wich I hev hed many doorin the past five years, hevent bin overly pleasant; indeed, they hev taken more the shape uv hideous nitemares than anything else--Linkin, Grant, Sherman, and armies dressed in blue, figurin extensively therein. But last nite I hed a vision wich more than repaid me for all I hev suffered heretofore. I hed bin at the Corners a.s.sistin in inauguratin a new grocery. The proprietor wuz a demoralized Ablishnist who hed sold likker surrept.i.tiously in Maine, among them Ablishunists, and consekently hed no idea uv the quant.i.ty a full grown Kentucky Democrat cood throw hisself outside uv. His entire capital with which he proposed to commence biznis wuz one barrel uv new corn whiskey, and some other necessaries, and ez a starter, to make the acquaintance uv his customers, he announced one free nite, and invited the entire community. His invitashun wuz considered generous, and we met it in the same n.o.ble sperit--in a more n.o.bler sperit than the confidin and ignorant man desired, in fact; for when we got through, in about 38 minits, there wuzn't a drop uv the whiskey left, and while the new grocery keeper wuz a rollin uv us out, he wuz cussin hisself for a fool.

He didn't open agin; he consoomed his stock in trade in givin the blow-out to sekoor customers. His stock, like A. Johnson's Unionism, didn't survive an inaugerashen.

I succ.u.mbed in a fence corner, and overpowered ez I wuz, slept

"A sweetly dreamin-- Dreamin the happy hours away."

Methought I wuz in Philadelphia, and the 14th uv August had arriv. There wuz a glorious a.s.semblage, ez Doolittle sed, uv the brains and hearts uv the country, and I may add, ez I and Humphrey Marshall wuz there, uv the bowels likewise. The Convenshun wuz a.s.semblin. There wuz Seward present, engineerin uv it. On one side uv him I notist, in my dream, a shadowy bein with wings, draped in white, and wearin a melonkoly look, with one hand a layin on his shoulder, a tryin to take him out uv the hall, while another bein, with wings like a bat, hed him by the nose, and wuz a twistin uv him jest ez he desired. I notist that this last mentioned bein hed hoofs, wich wuz split, and a tail wich he wuz flirtin in great glee. The bein with the tail and hoofs whispered suthin in Seward's ear, whereupon he moved that that eminent patriot, Ex-President FRANKLIN PIERCE, be chairman; upon wich the shadowy bein in white unfolded her wings, and flew away, castin at William the most sorrowful look I ever saw, the hoofed and tailed individooal laughin tremendous. The Ex-President took the chair, and one Vice-President wuz appointed from each State, ceptin Vermont and Ma.s.sachoosits. My buzzum swelled with emoshen ez that list wuz read; it wuz more like an old-fashioned Democratic Convenshun than anything I hed heard for five long years. I heard the honored names uv Toombs and Rhett, Pryor and Lee, Slidell and Rosso, and Dandridge and Forrest; I heard the names uv Craven and Pollard, Thompson and Forsyth, and I felt like him uv old--"Mine eyes hev seen thy glory, now let thy servant depart in peace." Nothin but the certainty that I wood at last hev that Post Offis at the Corners kept me from goin up. Singler 'tis wat slender ties hold us to earth!

The Secretaries wuz apinted, and then the committees--two on each from the South and one from the North, wich wuz consiliatin. I wuz put on the committee on credenshals, Randall, the Postmaster-General, bein the Northern representative. We hed our hands full. There wuz a rush made on us, so many claimin seats that we locked the doors for two hours to decide what shood be the proper qualification for a place. Finally we agreed to admit ez delegates,--

FROM THE NORTH--all Dimocrats who had bin arrested by Linkin's minyuns; all officers who hed resined rather than to serve in a Ablishun war, and all Republikins who cood show a commishun ez Postmaster and sich, and (this wuz considered necessary to guard agin imposition) who wuz willin to take his solemn oath that he wuz a steadfast bleever in everything A.

Johnson hed did sence Janooary, '66 (ceptin sum small items wich wuz specified), and all he wuz doin, and all he mite do.

FROM THE SOUTH--all who cood show a officer's commission in the late Confedrit army; all who had receeved a pardon from A. Johnson, and all who hed lost their n.i.g.g.e.rs in an unholy war, wich inclooded all present.

This decided upon, the work wuz done. The delegates took their seats, and the grate work uv Reconstructin the Yoonyun commenced. Garret Davis wanted to make a speech, and a hall wuz hired for him in another part uv the city, and fifty or sixty German emigrants, who coodent understand a word uv English, hired at a shillin an hour to act ez audience. Five kegs uv lager beer, a flooid wich I hev bin told Germans tie to, hed bin rolled in the hall, and most uv em stayed seven hours and a half.

In the regler Hall there wuz a comminglin which wuz edifyin. Doolittle wood make a motion, and Vallandigham wood second it. Forrest made a speech, and Randall indorsed it. Seward and John Morrissey were on the Committee on Resolutions, and d.i.c.k Taylor and Cowan were occupyin one seat. The resolutions were brief and to the pint. They resolved that,--

Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness in our national history, wich, owin to circ.u.mstances over wich n.o.body hed any control, extended over several periods uv ninety days each; and

Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the two sections viewin things each from its own stand-pint, instead of viewin things from the other's stand-pint; and

Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong, partikelerly the North; and

Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown in history, hed thrown down her arms, and wuz ready to resoom her old position in the Government--nay, more, to take more than her old share in the trouble uv runnin the Government; therefore be it

_Resolved_, That we are for the Yoonyun ez it wuz.

_Resolved_, That the persistency uv a sectional Congress, in continuin the unpleasantness wich hez to some extent disturbed our system uv Government, in legistatin while eleven sovereign States is unrepresented, is pizen.

_Resolved_, That we view with alarm the manifest determination uv Congress to centralize in theirselves the law-makin power uv the Government, and we pledge our support to our worthy Chief Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his efforts to check their centralizin schemes by vetoin all they may do.

_Resolved_, That all traces uv the late onpleasantness may be wiped out ez soon ez possible, we demand uv Congress an appropriation for plowin over all the fields on wich the citizens uv the two sections who wuz indoost by their respective Governments, so-called, to carry muskets, c.u.m together, particklerly them on wich our Southern brethren got the worst uv the disputes that ensood.

_Resolved_, That Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes, change the names uv Murfreesboro', Gettysburg, Atlanta, Vicksburg, et settry, to sich names ez Smithboro', Brownsburg, Jonesburg, et settry, that the serious unpleasantnesses wich occurred at them places may be remembered no more forever.