If I had an extra picture of her, I'd send you one. She's a beautiful child, has brown hair and brown eyes, like me. I still can't believe that she'll be mine once she's here.

I'll have to file adoption papers with the state of Vermont, but the adoption agency assures me that it's a formality. The tough part was getting the approval of the Indian authorities.

My parents don't put much stock in adoption.

When I told them about Sameera, they said that it wasn t the same and that I could call them when I was married and pregnant. But that's easier said than done. When I didn't get pregnant with Danny's child, I thought it had to do with his problem, but then I didn't get pregnant after Danny either, and I tried. I tried so hard Maybe too hard They say that happens.

Paige wondered whom she had tried with. She couldn't think of anyone Mara had dated seriously. Unless there were men she hadn't known about. Wounded, she read on.

I think something's wrong with my body.

Sometimes I think something's wrong with my mind, too. I can do so much right, but then the things that I want the most fall through.

Like having a baby. So I'm adopting Sameera, and I don't care if my parents never recognize her as their granddaughter, she'll be mine.

Since Tanya ran off, things have been hard.

Everyone tells me that it wasn't my fault, but if it wasn't mine, whose was it? I thought I was helping her. She was starting to sleep through the night She wasn't wetting the bed as much. She was talking more than she ever had I still don't know what went wrong, some bizarre thing must have snapped in her head Either that, or I unwittingly said something that set her back.

So I need Sameera. I need to prove to myself that I can do it right.

It's like there's a little window of time open right now, and if I don't take this opportunity, it will close for good.

I can't afford another failure. There have been too many.

Paige let her hand fall to her lap. Another failure. "You weren't a failure," she insisted. "If you had seen the people at your funeral, you would know that. You were as successful as any one of us."

But these letters hadn't been written by the professional Mara. They had been written by the private Mara.

Not a failure," Paige whispered, and opened the second letter in the pile. It had been written shortly after Tanya had fled.

"Dear Lizzie," she read, The Lorenzos were in the office today. They have six children under the age of ten, and every ailment imaginable.

One of the children is diabetic, another has a hearing deficiency, and the rest are continually in the throes of one infection or another. I kept thinking that nights in their house must be a circus of coughing, crying, and vomiting, and to hear the parents' complaints you can believe it Still, I was envious. Nights in my house are silentdeadbarren. I do what I can to fill the void, but inevitably I end up lying in bed listening to the nothingness that is my life.

Sure, I have a satisfying career. But that doesn't count. What counts is what happens at night That's when the trappings of a life fall aside and the truth comes out. That's when I'm all alone. It's a sad statement about what l've accomplished in life. I've tried to change it, but nothing seems to work, and now I'm tired of trying. I'm feeling defeated The nights are empty, long and lonely, and unless this adoption comes through, the future will be more of the same. I'm not sure I can bear that.

Feeling chilled, Paige refolded the letter, put it back in the pile, and tied the bunch with the yarn. "You should have told me," she said, studying the packet. "I might have helped."

But the truth was that she didn't know what she might have done.

Granted, she wasn't feeling defeated as Mara had, but neither were her nights filled with the things Mara wanted.

Moreover, the sense of emptiness Mara described was eerily like what Paige had been feeling of late.

It was as though Paige had inherited it along with the other threads of Mara's life.

Not caring for that idea at all, she replaced the wool and the letters, neatly and in as close to the way she had found them as possible, in the wicker basket, set the lid firmly on top, and turned to the one other bedroom that hadn't been cleaned. It was to have been the baby's room and was empty now, its contents in Paige's house. She started to vacuum but halfway through had a sudden, dire urge to be with the living. Within minutes she had the cleaning equipment put away and the lights turned off and was driving through the center of Tucker toward her own house.

For just a minute, leaving Mara's, she wondered when Noah had left, then she pushed the thought from her mind and drove on. She was greeted at the door by kitty, who wound in and around her legs with such excitement that Paige didn't have the heart to say, as she usually did when she lifted the small animal, ruffled its fur, and gave it a hug, "Only until I find you a home."

Jill was asleep on the sofa. She woke her gently and sent her to bed.

After changing into a nightgown, she followed, climbing the stairs first to check on Sami.

The little girl was asleep on her back. Paige would have turned her onto her stomach had she not learned that this was the custom in India, and, besides, she wanted to see Sami's face.

Forearms braced on the crib rail, she leaned down. The small night light cast the child's tiny features into relief. Paige touched her cheek, it felt soft and pleasantly warm.

The child stirred. Her eyes opened, focusing on nothing for a minute until they found Paige's in the dark. Against every instruction she had given parents for training their children to sleep through the night, Paige picked her up.

"Hi, Sami," she said with singsong softness.

"How are you?" She kissed her forehead. "Did you have a nice time with Jill? I can see that she washed you and changed you. You feel nice and dry, and you smell wonderful. Did you have something good to eat before you went to bed?

Milk? Apple juice?"

Sami scrunched up her eyes and scrubbed her nose with a fist.

UAhhh, you're such a sleepy baby. And I'm keeping you awake. Come over here. We'll rock awhile."

Paige settled down with Sami curled comfortably against her and began a slow rocking. She hummed a song that had no words, something Nonny might have hummed, and could tell by the sag of Sami's body that she was asleep within minutes.

Still Paige held her. There was something peaceful about the rocking, about the warmth of the child nestled against her, even about the soft purr of kitty, who had settled on her thigh. She hummed another wordless song, one that came from a nameless place in the past, and rocked until each of the thoughts that might have kept her awake were gone from her mind. Then she tucked the little girl under a light blanket in the crib, went downstairs to her own bedroom, and, with kitty conforming to the curve of her body, fell quickly asleep.

It wasn't until her alarm went off the next morning, when she rolled over and came slowly awake, that the scent of Noah's body on her own reminded her of what she had done.

F Paige HAD BEEN ABLE TO AVOID GOING TO Mount Court, she would have, but with a race on Saturday, daily practices were a must. So she poured herself into each one, running with the girls, recording their sprint times on a chart, coaxing, sometimes goading them on, giving them her undivided attention. She didn't look up when people passed.

She didn't once glance in the direction of the administration building to see if anyone stood watching from the steps. Her sole purpose at the school was to coach the team. As far as she was concerned, Noah Perrine didn't exist.

Under normal circumstances, she would have looked forward to Saturday.

On game weekends the campus was alive with activity, abuzz with visiting teams and parents, feeling like family to Paige. This weekend, Angie's Doug was playing soccer, which added to the lure.

Paige would have enjoyed putting Sami in the stroller and watching that game once her own race was doneand she still planned to watch, but the enjoyment part was in question. Not only was there the issue of the Head of School wandering about, but Ben would be there. Paige hadn't seen him since learning of his infidelity. Given how i hurt she was on Angie's beha}f, and how angry, she wasn't sure what she would say.

As it happened, Saturday dawned rainy enough to preclude Paige's taking Sami to Mount Court. The games would go on, but with people huddled in their rain gear trying to stay warm, dry, and upbeat, there would be less pleasure in the watching.

Along with the rain came a chill in the air that told Paige the girls wouldn't run their best. True, the two teams against whom they were racing faced the same handicap, but that was small solace. She had been hoping that some of her runners would record personal bests.

Morale at the school was low, and they needed a boost. She doubted they would get it this day.

Still, she kept her spirits up, dressingas she always did on the day of a meetnicely, in gabardine slacks and a sweater. On this day she also wore a long raincoat and carried an oversize umbrella. The raincoat would keep her camouflaged, the umbrella would keep her hidden. If either kept her dry, so much the better.

The girls stretched beforehand in a corner of the gym, wearing identical warm-up suits and glum looks. They weren't thrilled to have to run. "It's a mess out there," Julie whined.

"This meet should have been canceled."