"Maybe I'd rather my kid turn into a pirate than a damn tennis player."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Shut up, Felton."

"Mom."

"Go away. I have to weed the garden," she trailed off.

I started shaking.

"You can't do that on your fat ass, Jerri," I shouted.

"Shut up, asshole. Shut up!" Jerri screamed, struggling to sit up.

I turned and ran to the garage. I grabbed my bike and biked so fast. I tore up the hill.

Comedy, it seems, is a lot about situation and who you like and don't like. Sometimes, midget pirates who cook hot dogs on their burning socks aren't funny.

CHAPTER 27: 4:38 A.M.

Why in the hell am I doing this tonight?

I can't help it.

But I should be happy and asleep, letting my beat-up body heal.

I don't like dark tales. I like funny stuff. Gus says funny stuff is always dark.

Is this funny?

Here's that to-do list again: Lift weights with Cody.

Get driver's license.

Consider giving up comedy, as comedy isn't even funny anymore.

Stop talking to Jerri and Andrew.

I definitely did number one. I considered number three a lot (I still am, except I do think comedy is funny). Coach Jones gave me the form to get started on two, but I needed to get Jerri's signature to get the permit, which she wouldn't give me, and then she'd have to have teach me to drivea"which also wasn't going to happen. It was at this point in July that I tried to implement number four.

CHAPTER 28: THE ROAD RUNNER RUNS UP CLIFFS.

That day Jerri called me asshole out in the yard was the first day I ran up the Mound (the same one Dad ran up).

Let me describe it a little.

This Mound is a seriously huge-ass hill on the east side of town. It's a county park, so anyone can go there. A really long time ago, college kids whacked down a huge tract of trees on it and made this huge M on its side out of big rocks. Then they painted the rocks bright white so the M can be seen from like a thousand miles away, if you've got the right view. Every few years, the engineering department from the college goes up there and paints it white again so it's always really white.

I have no idea why they put an M on it. M obviously doesn't stand for Bluffton. Maybe it just stands for Mound? I don't know.

There's a steep path that runs next to the big M so lovers of the letter M can climb up the hill. The path has got to be like a football field and a half long, maybe longer. It's a hell of a place to run. I'm sure my dad would tell you the same thing if he could.

After Jerri called me asshole, I didn't really know where I was going. All I knew was that I couldn't stay in the house with her and Andrew around. I biked past the baseball fields and saw some honkies playing, but I couldn't stop there because I was bawling and would look stupid. I biked past the schools, the track, the practice football field, and the tennis courts. Tennis player? Then I got on County Road D, saw the big M in front of me, and gunned it out into the countryside. I biked the several miles out there in no time flat. One pickup truck filled with poop-stinkers shouted "Rein Stone" as they passed. I didn't wave or anything. Just kept pumping.

When I got to the Mound and the big M, I was completely out of breath. I lay down on a picnic table and sweated in the sun.

I thought about Jerri and Dad, and I got sick but couldn't stop. Then I thought about Aleah.

Why is she so lucky? Yeah, her mom is gone, but Ronald takes care of everything. He's great and she's always happya"almost always happy. At least she knows why her mom lefta"too young when she got married and had to leave because she was so unhappya"and at least her mom didn't totally abandon Aleah because she didn't kill herself and she actually calls Aleah sometimes and sends her postcards. Ronald and Aleah talk about Aleah's mom every day. Aleah told me. They talk and talk and talk. We never talked about Dad. Jerri never said anything except leave the past behind and re-engage. Aleah is so lucky to know why her mom left.

And why is Cody so lucky? His dad makes sure everybody's safe. His mom works at the bank and probably buys groceries.

Even Gus is lucky. Sure, he has to do a paper route. Sure, he gets shipped to South America. But his mom would never call him an asshole.

She called me an asshole. She called me an asshole.

My legs started feeling twitchy.

Why are you so damn crap out of luck all the time? Jerri hates you. Your mom hates you. Your mom totally hates you.

I jumped off the table and ran toward the path next to the M. Within seconds, I exploded up it, running the rail stairs, accelerating up rocks and dirt. This is going to sound really dorky, but I felt like a mountain lion, and I was balanced like that. Trucks could've rolled at me and I would've dodged them, punched them on their sides and sent them tumbling away down the hill. I accelerated like crazy, even though I was going straight up. Up up up up! I probably looked like that Road Runner in that old cartoon. Up! Up!

At the top, I bent over to catch my breath. Sweat poured off my face and stung my eyes. My muscles shook. Ants scrambled on the ground below me. How easily I could've killed them all, all those ants. I stood straight, put my hands on my hips, and breathed, and looked out over a thousand miles of Wisconsin and Iowa and Illinois. Then I jogged back down so I could run up that Mound again.

I ran until I was dry-heaving, spitting, breathing so hard, groaning, cramping up in my guts. At the top, I collapsed onto the ground, face down, sucking air. And then I rolled over and stared at the sky. Deep breath. Deep breath. Breathing is good. Lying in the dirt is good.

Believe it or not, the sky was blue. The few clouds up there were white, as you might guess. It was exactly what I expected to see. Jerri felt far away. Just a ghost of somebody I didn't know. Andrew could take what he wanted from my room. It didn't matter.

Everything was a thousand miles away. I relaxed on the ground on top of the big M. The sky was blue, as it should be. The clouds were white.

Then my phone buzzed in the pocket of my shorts. It was a text from Cody. Apparently, he'd sent it to all his honky friends: party my place july 31 celebrate rein stones 16 bday. 7 oclock. no alchies!!!

I know he sent it to a bunch of honky friends because Karpinski, Jason Reese, and a number I didn't recognize all texted me immediately: legal to drive get some hookers gonna be fun rein stone reinstein is big boy now!!! :0 The first message was from Karpinski. I texted back and asked him to pay. I said "will be fun" to Reese. "who this?" I asked the other.

Abby was the response.

Abby Sauter sent me a text. My friend planned me a birthday party. I could run up a cliff like the Road Runner.

This is my life, Jerri. That's what I thought.

CHAPTER 29: ALEAH.

On the following Friday night, after managing to spend three solid days without saying a word to either Andrew or Jerri (actually, barely seeing them at alla"this was the same strategy I used with classmates through just about all of eighth grade and freshman yeara"don't look, talk, appear in front of them), Aleah and I watched this adventure movie with Nicholas Cage where he's trying to figure out some mystery. I have no idea what else happened because Aleah invited me over not to watch a movie in the basement but to pretend to watch a movie. What she really wanted to do was lie on Gus's giant beanbag chair and make out.

As we were kissing, she reached under my shirt and ran her hands over my skin, which raised all kinds of bumps, and I also put my hands under her shirt and touched her skin. I pulled her onto me, and we kissed until my mouth hurt and my lips were chapped, and I couldn't see straight, and my legs hurt and my hips hurt and other stuff hurt, and I almost felt sick to my stomach because it was so great.

At around one, Ronald shouted down the stairs, "It's about time for Felton to go home. There's a paper route to be done in the morning."

Aleah rolled off of me, and I stood fast because Ronald's voice scared me and then I almost fell down because I was dizzy. Aleah almost couldn't stand up because she was so twisted up. But we smiled at each other and didn't say a word, and I ached and then climbed the stairs with Aleah right behind me.

Ronald squinted at my face as I walked out the door and said good night.

I biked home through the cool air, with blood running the right way through my body again.

It never occurred to me that I might ever actually have sex. The proposition had always seemed so totally remote and completely unreasonable. How would that ever happen? Suddenly, in one night, I knew how that would happen. Not that I thought Aleah and I were about to have sex or anything because I didn't really want to. I was sure Ronald would walk down the stairs and see us and then I felt really terrified and explosive and crazy. Oh, man, Aleah.

At home, I could hear the TV on in Jerri's room, and I went right to bed. But I didn't go to sleep, not at all. But I guess I was asleep when the alarm went off.

On the paper route the next morning, right after I'd handed Ronald the newspaper and he'd stared at me and squinted again, as we biked down the street together, Aleah said, "Daddy gave me the third degree. Hoo, boy!"

"What's that mean?" I asked.

"He wanted to know exactly what we were doing down there."

My stomach dropped.

"Oh, man. Jeez. How'd you get out of that?" I could feel myself blushing, and my mouth got dry.

"I didn't. I told him what we did."

I stopped my bike, leaned and stared at her.

"What? You realize I can never look at your dad again."

She stopped right next to me.

"Why? He didn't mind. He said it's normal."

"He wasn't mad?"

"Maybe a little uncomfortable?"

"Oh my God. Oh my God."

"He did say that if we went any further, he'd lock me up until I graduate high school."

"Well, we're not going to. I won't touch you again. Seriously. He doesn't have toaTell him not to worry aboutaHe won't be seeinga"

"He said not to go any further. But you are going to kiss me again, Felton. You got that?" She grabbed my forearm and squeezed.

I tried not to smile because I was seriously concerned, but I did smile because I couldn't help it. Then I said, "Okay. Yes. I'll kiss you."

Aleah smiled.

"You're sexy."

"Uhh, yeah."

"Aren't you going to talk to Jerri about it?"

"No," I said.

"Why not?"

"Because."

"You should talk to Jerri. It's important to get an adult's perspective."

"I don't know any adults," I said.

"You know my dad. He's an adult."

"You want I should talk to your dad?" I asked, putting on a TV gangster accent, which made Aleah laugh and forget about poking at me.

CHAPTER 30: THE MOUND.