Merlin had made his way to the edge of the arena too. He read from a clipboard with an abbreviation on the back: E. V. I. of L. "Let the trial of honesty and loyalty begin. You must be open to change. Lie to yourself and perish. Question number one: Why are you here?"

As the bright, poofy teacup unicorns trotted in, I figured this couldn't be too bad. "Are they gonna kill me with cuteness?" I snickered at the absurdity, then told Merlin what he wanted to hear. "I want to be a great villain."

The purple-haired unicorn closest to me turned black, its mane bursting into bright-blue flames.

Merlin twirled his beard. "These are the queen's special unicorn-night-mare hybrids. The unicorn half is drawn to goodness, purity, and maidens. While the night mares are angry beasts trained to flame out deceptions. I suggest you not lie or you will burn at the stake," he said, before mouthing so no one but me could hear, "Rexi."

"Honesty is absolutely the best policy. At least until I can afford a nose job."

-Pinocchio, Page Pix gossip column.

22.

The Naked Truth.

Merlin knew my true ident.i.ty? Maybe I'd heard him wrong. I was a bit distracted by the thought of being roasted alive.

I didn't have time to worry about it though, because Merlin had already jumped to question number two. "Do you believe you are the narrator of your own story?"

"Yes."

Another harmless-looking, pink flufflepuff went up in flames, sending sparks in my direction.

"Question number three: Do you think you deserve to be happy?"

"Of course. Who doesn't?"

The last five unicorns lit up like Jack's candlesticks. The crowd started cheering, or maybe that was the blood thrumming in my ears. Sweat beaded on my face as the teacup night mares and the wall of heat they produced got closer.

"Question number four: Are you willing to join our cause and take this world back from the heroes?"

"Can't I just sit this round out? I'm quite happy with the way I am. I changed my mind."

The mini-unicorn that used to be pink sneezed, but this time instead of spewing glitter, sparks flew, landing at the base of the stake. The wood smoked, then crackled and popped as flames sprouted. And spread.

Merlin fluffed his suit and sneered. "I'm really not surprised you're failing this trial so abysmally. Looks like your life hangs on question number five: What are you afraid of?"

"Bugs."

There were no new sparks, but the flames inched their way up the stake. The crowd chanted, "Burn, burn."

"Not good enough. Go deeper," Merlin prodded.

Oh, that was a trick question. I locked stares with Kato in the stands. He looked torn. He'd warned me he couldn't help me. I didn't want him to, but why couldn't he just leave? I didn't want him to see me die, or worse-to see the real me.

My story really was cruel.

I took in a deep breath and let it all go. "I'm afraid of disappearing. Of losing everything I am. Or that what I am isn't worth saving in the first place and that I'll be gone and no one will notice."

The nightmare flames snuffed out, cooling the wall of heat and turning the night mares back into the horribly evil cute ponies. But the post still crackled and flames licked past my boots and up my legs. Merlin walked toward me, pulling a gla.s.s of water out of his pointy hat. The smell of rosewater filled my nose.

"Tell me, girl," he whispered. "What are you willing to do to keep that from happening?"

"Anything," I wrenched out, straining against the chains.

"Good answer," he said and extinguished the flames. He turned to the audience. "Welcome our newest brother, Rex."

The fickle crowd went from cheering for my demise to running down to the arena floor, each taking a turn to greet me. Their welcoming was conveyed in universal guy code, with smacks on the arm by their fists...or tentacle, or whatever. I refused to look at Kato as he pa.s.sed. And Mordred, well, let's just say he punched extra hard.

"There is something about thee I just really can't stand. No one else may see it, but thou art dangerous. Stay away from what is mine," he hissed.

"No problem, psycho," I muttered, worn-out.

After everyone had their turn, the orderlies pulled me off the stake and dragged me back to Gwenevere. I went amiably, because I was too exhausted to move. Whatever I had been expecting from this journey, this hadn't been it. I didn't know whether to cry, run screaming, look for an aloe plant, or find that stupid sword and get the hex out of Camelot.

The crystal kitties began their chorus.

I glared at them and hoped they had their ears open. "I swear to any of you that will listen, if you keep up that shrieking, I will pound each and every one of you into glitter to feed you to those blasted unicorns."

"I see you've found your fighting spirit," Gwennie chirped in a high-pitched, cheery voice that was almost as annoying as the cats. "You are a lot less charbroiled than I expected. Perhaps there's hope for you yet."

"Does everyone go through that?"

"No, just the poor, unfortunate souls I really don't like."

"Great," I huffed. "Now what? Since I pa.s.sed, can I get the grand tour? See all the famous Camelot artifacts?" Like a certain sword.

"I'll need you to sign a few waivers. Then you can go get some rest. I've a.s.signed you to a ward with a sponsor as your roommate." She laid down a piece of parchment. "Initial here, here, and..." She pointed out a few more spots, then flicked the paper till it rolled open like a scroll. "And sign your full name at the very bottom."

"Fine print much?" The more the scroll went on, the smaller the letters became, but I was pretty sure a number of clauses released the inst.i.tute from liability in case of death, dismemberment, or transmogrification.

"All standard consent forms, I a.s.sure you. The demon lawyers at Gold Man's Sacks are very trustworthy." Gwen peered into the drawers of the desk. "Now where did I put that pen?"

I skimmed the desktop while she scavenged. A lot of random stuff. Flask of cauldron juice. Stuffed owl. Beard trimmer. Granite paperweight. It had a pen in it.

"I can use that one," I said.

"It's broken and useless like everything else on this ridiculous wizard's desk." She resumed her search, crawling around on the floor.

I just wanted to be done. I removed the silver-and-sapphire pen and put it to the parchment.

A crack sounded from outside, and a strange light hit the heavy, purple curtains, casting the whole room in a violet haze. Gwennie bolted upright. "What was that?" She ran/waddled to the window to investigate.

As long as the lightning stayed out of my way, I didn't care what it was.

I went back to the paper and scribbled a bit. For a second, I flashed back to the Compendium of Storybook Characters. I half expected my name to be banned from any record. But the ink seemed to flow and write just fine, so I initialed R. H. and remembered to sign Rex the Huntsman at the bottom. "Done," I said, pocketing the broken pen.

Gwen shrugged and turned back to me. "Something broke the old sign. I'd been meaning to have it replaced with the inst.i.tute's new placard anyway. Now, where were we?"

"Room. That place where, according to the contract you just had me sign, I can check in anytime I like, but I can't ever leave."

Gwen frowned and reached for my hand. "Do try to have a positive att.i.tude. I run a very tight operation. But it really is with your safety in mind." She squeezed, digging her nails into me, drawing blood. "I will not allow anything or anyone to bring chaos to the order I've created. We don't tolerate failures. Are we clear?"

"Crystal," I said and yanked my hand back.

"Good," she replied and licked her nails. "Here's your room a.s.signmen-" She paused, her head shaking, nose twitching, lips quivering. She sneezed. I half expected glitter or fire to come out of her, just like her beasts, but instead, her forehead lined with wrinkles, her perfect face no longer flawless.

She blinked. "Hot glammed, 'bout time." She blinked again, looking at me as if really seeing me for the first time. "Rexi? What are you doing here, you idgit? Yer gonna ruin everything."

"Hydra," I said slowly and carefully.

"The one and only...fer a minute. Or less. I knews you were trouble when you washed up on my beach, not once but twice! Now you Mary Poppins up right in front of me again. Git."

Maybe I trusted her, or maybe the truth treatment worked. Either way I couldn't lie. "No can do. I can't go until I get Excalibur."

"Join the club. More ozmosis, I tell you. Only a magic sword would think of playing hide-and-seek, but I can tell it's here in Camelot. Somewhere close." She looked at the paper. "You would have been wolf kibble if I hadn't shown up." She pointed out my room a.s.signment. Listed under sponsor was B. B. Wolfe. Hydra's nose twitched. "Ah, b.u.g.g.e.r me. She's coming back. My mama warned me that the first head was always the most trouble. But did I listen. No? I had to pick a doozy. Should have gotten a nice, dumb kitchen girl like you. But no, I wanted a royal." Sigh. "I never could rein her in." She scribbled a number on my hand. "Go here. Best I can do to keep your secret. Do not trust anyone but Kato. Even me...ah...ah...hurry..."

I ran out the door before she sneezed again.

Mortimer, a.k.a. Sparkles, waited for me at the door with the crossbow that the orderlies had taken from me earlier. "I know who you are, you know. You tried to steal me once."

Oh great. "Sorry. You can't tell anyone." I racked my brain for what I could give or threaten to make the little dragon keep its snout shut.

He pointed his tail up to the highest window, where Merlin twirled his curly beard. "Already covered. And besides, you used to polish my scales at the Emerald Palace. And even though you tried to steal me, you never tried to break me, which is more than I can say for some uncivilized brutes." He sniffed. "All this espionage is too much for me. I miss my perch and Verte."

"How did you get here?" I'd guessed he was in a million pieces in the crater that used to be the Emerald Palace.

"Gwenevere remade me to suit her needs. The Pendragons have a gift with crystal and gemstones." He sighed. "I do think she could have made me a bit bigger this time. It really would be the least they can do." He spoke quietly. "Merlin promised an upgrade if I..." He used his claw to mime locking his lips.

"Okay..." Even without Hydra's warning, trusting Merlin was not on my to-do list. There was something off about him, and somehow he knew who I was. He didn't seem keen on exposing me-yet. Which meant he wanted something.

"That is you." Mortimer pointed to a solid oak door in the interior of the castle, at the end of the corridor. "You are on your own," he said and scampered away.

"Weird little dragon." The path had cobwebs, like no one used it much. I didn't like bugs, but I disliked villainous roommates more, especially ones who had a history of violence toward the extended Hood family. Since Hydra was protecting my secret, I figured I'd have a single, unused room. It would be nice to have some privacy.

"Thank goodness Hydra showed up when she did," I muttered to myself and threw open the door. It oofed.

After stepping in, I slowly closed the door, hand on my crossbow, just in case.

As the door creaked shut, it revealed the source of the mysterious sound.

"Network, network, network. The enemy of my enemy is someone I can use."

-Seven Habits of Highly Evil People.

23.

Heart Attacks.

Kato growled, wearing a scowl-and not a whole lot else. I'd seen the show when Hydra witch doctored him from beast to boy. This was different. Back then, I thought of him like a stupid older brother. Now...suddenly I couldn't get my mind off the kiss lodged in my memory. The b.u.t.terflies in my chest turned to frenzied bats, and I bolted from the room, slamming the door on the way out.

I thought I felt hot during the honesty trial. Those nightmares were subzero next to the heat in my face, and I was pretty sure I could add "die by embarra.s.sment" to my list.

"Please let the melodramatic dragon be dyslexic."

I looked at the scrawl on my hand. 228. I looked at the door. No luck. 228. I was exactly where Hydra wanted me.

I paced back and forth in front of the door to get myself together and give Kato a chance to not be buff in the buff before I went in again. I was so pixed. This really couldn't get any worse.

"This isn't real. These aren't my feelings. They're fake, an illusion. I don't want him. Dorthea does." My pulse disagreed. So did the flood of memories that washed over me. I didn't want to know what it felt like to be in his arms. To be protected. Valued. Loved. I had never hated Dorthea more than I did in that one moment, for this unique bit of torture, for her memories of a life that I could never have-that I would never have wanted if I hadn't seen how wonderful it could be. It was so cruel to give me a taste of happiness that wasn't mine.

The world is yours if you take it.

Morte? No, the voice wasn't the slippery ink of the Grimm Reaper. It was the twisted chorus-the Emerald curse.

I closed my eyes, and for a moment, I could feel her, feel Dorthea, wherever she was. I was her; she was me. We were one. I leaned against the door and put out my hand.

That's it. Feed us more power.

If I tried...I could call the emerald flames to my hand, just like Dorthea. I knew it. Then I could just- In a fraction of a second, I went from standing in the hall to laying flat on my back inside the room. A jarring whack to the head broke the curse's hold on me for the moment. I opened my eyes and looked up to thank Kato for opening the door at exactly the right moment.

The unamused eyes were not the ones I expected.

That whole "can't get any worse" thing? I had to stop thinking that, because it always came true.

"Hi, roomie," I said to Mordred, waving a hand in front of my face, less as a way of greeting, more so to have a chance to block a punch.

Mordred glanced back and forth between me and Kato, who was now dressed but taking deep breaths and tapping his black, broken fingernails on his chin. "What is it with the two of thee? Sir Kay, thou didn't seem to know this rascal, yet now you claim him as kin? And, Rex, what part of my warning did thee not understand? Stay. Away."

I couldn't help it; the guy just hexed me the wrong way.

"Aww, yeah, sorry. I only heard the stay part." I lifted my hand, showing the room a.s.signment. "And according to the boss lady, this is my room. I don't suppose you were just visiting? Cuz there are two beds and three of us..."

"Ask Arthur. I do not share well." He picked me up by the lapels on my coat as if I weighed no more than a sapling. "Sir Kay called thee kin; he can keep thee." With a flick of his arm, I flew toward the bed on the south end of the room. I landed on it-and Kato-with a thud.

Mordred grabbed his ax and headed out the door. "Do not-"

"Follow you," I finished. "Yeah, yeah, I've no intention to. You were less of a Grumpelstiltzskin when I met you in Sherwood. I don't think this therapy thing is working so well for you. Have they tried anti-brooding medication?"

No surprise, he left without answering.