"Louie D. He's a businessman, businessman, right?" right?"

"He's a real big businessman. Or at least he was. He died of a heart attack while DeChooch was making his pickup."

"Maybe it was a bullet that caused the heart attack."

"I don't think so. If Louie D was whacked we would have heard. That kind of news travels. Especially since his sister lives here."

"Who's his sister? Do I know her?"

"Estelle Colucci. Benny Colucci's wife."

Holy s.h.i.t. "Small world."

I hung up and my mother called.

"We need to pick out a gown for the wedding," she said.

"I'm not wearing a gown."

"You should at least look."

"Okay, I'll look." Not.

"When?"

"I don't know. I'm busy right now. I'm working."

"It's Sat.u.r.day," my mother said. "What kind of a person works on Sat.u.r.day? You need to relax more. Your grandmother and I will be right over."

"No!" Too late. She was gone.

"We have to get out of here," I said to Mooner. "It's an emergency. We have to leave."

"What kind of an emergency? I'm not going to get shot again, am I?"

I took the dirty dishes off the counter and threw them into the dishwasher. Then I grabbed Mooner's quilt and pillow and ran into the bedroom with them. My grandmother lived with me for a short while and I was pretty sure she still had a key to my apartment. G.o.d forbid my mother would let herself into my apartment and find it a wreck. The bed was unmade, but I didn't want to take time to make it. I gathered up stray clothes and towels and threw it all in the hamper. I barreled through the living room, back to the kitchen, grabbed my bag and my jacket, and yelled at Mooner to get moving.

We met my mother and grandmother in the lobby.

d.a.m.n!

"You didn't have to wait for us in the lobby," my mother said. "We would have come up."

"I'm not waiting for you," I said. "I'm on my way out. I'm sorry, but I have to work this morning."

"What are you doing?" Grandma wanted to know. "Are you tracking down some insane killer?"

"I'm looking for Eddie DeChooch."

"I was half right," Grandma said.

"You can find Eddie DeChooch some other time," my mother said. "I have an appointment for you at Tina's Bridal Shoppe."

"Yeah, you better take it," Grandma said. "We only got this one on account of there was a last-minute cancellation. And besides, we needed an excuse to get out of the house because we couldn't stand any more galloping and whinnying."

"I don't want a wedding gown," I said. "I want a small wedding." Or none at all.

"Yes, but it doesn't do any harm to look," my mother said.

"Tina's Bridal Shoppe rocks," Mooner said.

My mother turned to Mooner. "Is this Walter Dunphy? My goodness, I haven't seen you in ages."

"Dude!" Mooner said to my mother.

Then he and Grandma Mazur did one of those complicated handshakes I could never remember.

"We better get a move on," Grandma said. "We don't want to be late."

"I don't want a gown!"

"We're just looking," my mother said. "We'll only spend a half hour looking, and then you can be on your way."

"Fine! A half hour. That's it. No more. And we're just looking looking."

TINA'S BRIDAL SHOPPE is in the heart of the Burg. It occupies half of a red-brick duplex. Tina lives in a small apartment upstairs and conducts business in the bottom half of the house. The other half of the duplex is rental property owned by Tina. Tina is known far and wide as being a b.i.t.c.h of a landlady, and the tenants of the rental almost always leave when their year's lease expires. Because rental properties are scarce as hen's teeth in the Burg, Tina never has a problem finding hapless victims.

"It's you you," Tina said, standing back, eyeballing me. "It's perfect. It's stunning."

I was all decked out in a floor-length satin gown. The bodice had been pinned to fit, the scoop neckline showed just a hint of cleavage, and the full bell skirt had a four-foot train.

"It is is lovely," my mother said. lovely," my mother said.

"Next time I get married I might get myself a dress just like that," Grandma said. "Or I might go to Vegas and get married in one of them Elvis churches."

"Dude," Mooner said, "go for it."

I twisted slightly to better see myself in the three-way mirror. "You don't think it's too . . . white?"

"Definitely not," Tina said. "This is cream. Cream is very different from white."

I did did look good in the gown. I looked like Scarlett O'Hara getting ready for a big wedding at Tara. I moved around a little to simulate dancing. look good in the gown. I looked like Scarlett O'Hara getting ready for a big wedding at Tara. I moved around a little to simulate dancing.

"Jump up and down so we can see how it'll look when you do the bunny hop," Grandma said.

"It's pretty, but I don't want a gown," I said.

"I can order one in her size at no obligation," Tina said.

"No obligation," Grandma said. "You can't beat that."

"As long as there's no obligation," my mother said.

I needed chocolate. A lot lot of chocolate. "Oh gee," I said, "look at the time. I have to go." of chocolate. "Oh gee," I said, "look at the time. I have to go."

"Cool," Mooner said. "Are we going to fight crime now? I've been thinking I need a utility belt for my Super Suit. I could put all my crime-fighting gear in it."

"What crime-fighting gear are you talking about?"

"I haven't totally thought it through, but I guess things like anti-gravitation socks that would let me walk up the sides of buildings. And a spray that would make me invisible."

"You sure your head feels okay where you were shot? You don't have a headache or feel dizzy?"

"No. I feel fine. Hungry, maybe."

A LIGHT RAIN was falling when Mooner and I left Tina's shop.

"That was a total experience," Mooner said. "I felt like a bridesmaid."

I wasn't sure what I felt like. I tried bride bride on for size and found it didn't fit as well as on for size and found it didn't fit as well as big fat dope big fat dope. I couldn't believe I let my mother talk me into trying on wedding gowns. What was I thinking? I smacked myself on the forehead with the heel of my hand and grunted.

"Dude," Mooner said.

No s.h.i.t. I turned the key in the ignition and shoved G.o.dsmack into the CD player. I didn't want to think about the wedding fiasco, and there's nothing like metal to wipe your mind clean of anything resembling thought. I pointed the car in the direction of Mooner's house and by the time we got to Roebling, Mooner and I were doing serious head banging.

We were strumming and flipping hair and I almost missed the white Cadillac. It was parked in front of Father Carolli's house, next to the church. Father Carolli is as old as dirt and has been in the Burg for as long as I can remember. It would make sense that he and Eddie DeChooch were friends, and that DeChooch would come to him for counsel.

I said a short prayer that DeChooch was inside the house. I could apprehend him there. Inside the church was another matter. There was all that sanctuary stuff to worry about inside the church. And if my mother found out I violated the church there'd be h.e.l.l to pay.

I walked to Carolli's front door and knocked. No answer.

Mooner waded through the shrubs and peered into a window. "Don't see anybody in here, dude."

We both looked to the church.

Drat. Probably DeChooch was giving confession. Forgive me, Father, because 1 snuffed Loretta Ricci Forgive me, Father, because 1 snuffed Loretta Ricci.

"Okay," I said, "let's try the church."

"Maybe I should go home and put my Super Dude Suit on."

"Not sure that would be right for church."

"Not dressy enough?"

I opened the door to the church and squinted into the dim interior. On sunny days the church glowed with light streaming through the stained-gla.s.s windows. On rainy days the church felt bleak and without pa.s.sion. Today the only warmth came from a few votive candles flickering in front of the Virgin Mary.

The church seemed empty. No mumbling coming from the confessionals. No one at prayer. Just the candles burning and the smell of incense.

I was about to leave when I heard someone giggle. The sound was coming from the altar area.

"h.e.l.lo," I called. "Anyone here?"

"Just us chickens."

It sounded like DeChooch.

Mooner and I cautiously walked down the aisle and peeked around the altar. DeChooch and Carolli were sitting on the floor, their backs to the altar, sharing a bottle of red wine. An empty bottle lay on the floor a couple feet away.

Mooner gave them a peace sign. "Dude," he said.

Father Carolli peaced him back and repeated the mantra. "Dude."

"What do you want?" DeChooch asked. "Can't you see I'm in church?"

"You're drinking!"

"It's medicinal. I'm depressed."

"You need to accompany me back to the courthouse so you can get bonded out again," I said to DeChooch.

DeChooch took a long drag on the bottle and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "I'm in church. You can't arrest me in church. G.o.d'll be p.i.s.sed. You'll rot in h.e.l.l."

"It's a commanderment," Carolli said.

Mooner smiled. "These guys are s.h.i.t-faced."

I searched through my bag and came up with cuffs.

"Eek, cuffs," DeChooch said. "I'm so scared."

I slapped the cuffs on his left wrist and grabbed for his other hand. DeChooch took a 9-mil out of his coat pocket, told Carolli to hold the free bracelet, and fired a round off at the chain. Both men yelped when the bullet severed the chain and sent shock waves up their boney arms.

"Hey," I said, "those cuffs cost sixty dollars."

DeChooch narrowed his eyes and stared at Mooner. "Do I know you?"