Yet all the sense Of eloquence Lies hidden in a maid's "Ah me!"

Ballad: The Duke Of Plaza-Toro

In enterprise of martial kind, When there was any fighting, He led his regiment from behind (He found it less exciting).

But when away his regiment ran, His place was at the fore, O- That celebrated, Cultivated, Underrated n.o.bleman, The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

In the first and foremost flight, ha, ha!

You always found that knight, ha, ha!

That celebrated, Cultivated, Underrated n.o.bleman, The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

When, to evade Destruction's hand, To hide they all proceeded, No soldier in that gallant band Hid half as well as he did.

He lay concealed throughout the war, And so preserved his gore, O!

That unaffected, Undetected, Well connected Warrior, The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

In every doughty deed, ha, ha!

He always took the lead, ha, ha!

That unaffected, Undetected, Well connected Warrior, The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

When told that they would all be shot Unless they left the service, That hero hesitated not, So marvellous his nerve is.

He sent his resignation in, The first of all his corps, O!

That very knowing, Overflowing, Easy-going Paladin, The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

To men of grosser clay, ha, ha!

He always showed the way, ha, ha!

That very knowing, Overflowing, Easy-going Paladin, The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

Ballad: The Aesthete

If you're anxious for to shine in the high aesthetic line, as a man of culture rare, You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, and plant them everywhere.

You must lie upon the daisies and discourse in novel phrases of your complicated state of mind (The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a transcendental kind).

And every one will say, As you walk your mystic way, "If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for ME, Why, what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man must be!"

Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days which have long since pa.s.sed away, And convince 'em, if you can, that the reign of good QUEEN ANNE was Culture's palmiest day.

Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, and declare it's crude and mean, And that Art stopped short in the cultivated court of the EMPRESS JOSEPHINE.

And every one will say, As you walk your mystic way, "If that's not good enough for him which is good enough for ME, Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth this kind of youth must be!"

Then a sentimental pa.s.sion of a vegetable fashion must excite your languid spleen, An attachment E LA Plato for a bashful young potato, or a not-too- French French bean.

Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in the high aesthetic band, If you walk down Piccadilly with a poppy or a lily in your mediaeval hand.

And every one will say, As you walk your flowery way, "If he's content with a vegetable love which would certainly not suit ME, Why, what a most particularly pure young man this pure young man must be!"

Ballad: Said I To Myself, Said I

When I went to the Bar as a very young man (Said I to myself - said I), I'll work on a new and original plan (Said I to myself - said I), I'll never a.s.sume that a rogue or a thief Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief, Because his attorney, has sent me a brief (Said I to myself - said I!)

I'll never throw dust in a juryman's eyes (Said I to myself - said I), Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise (Said I to myself - said I), Or a.s.sume that the witnesses summoned in force In Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce, Have perjured themselves as a matter of course (Said I to myself - said I!)

Ere I go into court I will read my brief through (Said I to myself - said I), And I'll never take work I'm unable to do (Said I to myself - said I).

My learned profession I'll never disgrace By taking a fee with a grin on my face, When I haven't been there to attend to the case (Said I to myself - said I!)

In other professions in which men engage (Said I to myself - said I), The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage, (Said I to myself - said I), Professional licence, if carried too far, Your chance of promotion will certainly mar - And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar (Said I to myself - said I!)

Ballad: Sorry Her Lot

Sorry her lot who loves too well, Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly, Sad are the sighs that own the spell Uttered by eyes that speak too plainly; Heavy the sorrow that bows the head When Love is alive and Hope is dead!

Sad is the hour when sets the Sun - Dark is the night to Earth's poor daughters, When to the ark the wearied one Flies from the empty waste of waters!

Heavy the sorrow that bows the head When Love is alive and Hope is dead!

Ballad: The Contemplative Sentry

When all night long a chap remains On sentry-go, to chase monotony He exercises of his brains, That is, a.s.suming that he's got any.

Though never nurtured in the lap Of luxury, yet I admonish you, I am an intellectual chap, And think of things that would astonish you.

I often think it's comical How Nature always does contrive That every boy and every gal, That's born into the world alive, Is either a little Liberal, Or else a little Conservative!

Fal lal la!

When in that house M.P.'s divide, If they've a brain and cerebellum, too, They've got to leave that brain outside, And vote just as their leaders tell 'em to.

But then the prospect of a lot Of statesmen, all in close proximity, A-thinking for themselves, is what No man can face with equanimity.

Then let's rejoice with loud Fal lal That Nature wisely does contrive That every boy and every gal, That's born into the world alive, Is either a little Liberal, Or else a little Conservative!

Fal lal la!

Ballad: The Philosophic Pill

I've wisdom from the East and from the West, That's subject to no academic rule; You may find it in the jeering of a jest, Or distil it from the folly of a fool.

I can teach you with a quip, if I've a mind; I can trick you into learning with a laugh; Oh, winnow all my folly, and you'll find A grain or two of truth among the chaff!

I can set a braggart quailing with a quip, The upstart I can wither with a whim; He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip, But his laughter has an echo that is grim.

When they've offered to the world in merry guise, Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will - For he who'd make his fellow-creatures wise Should always gild the philosophic pill!