Ballad: Girl Graduates

They intend to send a wire To the moon; And they'll set the Thames on fire Very soon; Then they learn to make silk purses With their rigs From the ears of LADY CIRCE'S Piggy-wigs.

And weasels at their slumbers They'll trepan; To get sunbeams from cuc.u.mbers They've a plan.

They've a firmly rooted notion They can cross the Polar Ocean, And they'll find Perpetual Motion If they can!

These are the phenomena That every pretty domina Hopes that we shall see At this Universitee!

As for fashion, they forswear it, So they say, And the circle - they will square it Some fine day; Then the little pigs they're teaching For to fly; And the n.i.g.g.e.rs they'll be bleaching By-and-by!

Each newly joined aspirant To the clan Must repudiate the tyrant Known as Man; They mock at him and flout him, For they do not care about him, And they're "going to do without him"

If they can!

These are the phenomena That every pretty domina Hopes that we shall see At this Universitee!

Ballad: Braid The Raven Hair

Braid the raven hair, Weave the supple tress, Deck the maiden fair In her loveliness; Paint the pretty face, Dye the coral lip, Emphasise the grace Of her ladyship!

Art and nature, thus allied, Go to make a pretty bride!

Sit with downcast eye, Let it brim with dew; Try if you can cry, We will do so, too.

When you're summoned, start Like a frightened roe; Flutter, little heart, Colour, come and go!

Modesty at marriage tide Well becomes a pretty bride!

Ballad: The Working Monarch

Rising early in the morning, We proceed to light the fire, Then our Majesty adorning In its work-a-day attire, We embark without delay On the duties of the day.

First, we polish off some batches Of political despatches, And foreign politicians circ.u.mvent; Then, if business isn't heavy, We may hold a Royal LEVEE, Or ratify some Acts of Parliament: Then we probably review the household troops - With the usual "Shalloo humps" and "Shalloo hoops!"

Or receive with ceremonial and state An interesting Eastern Potentate.

After that we generally Go and dress our private VALET -

(It's a rather nervous duty - he a touchy little man) - Write some letters literary For our private secretary - (He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can.) Then, in view of cravings inner, We go down and order dinner; Or we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate - Spend an hour in t.i.tivating All our Gentlemen-in-Waiting; Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State.

Oh, philosophers may sing Of the troubles of a King, Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great; But the privilege and pleasure That we treasure beyond measure Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State!

After luncheon (making merry On a bun and gla.s.s of sherry), If we've nothing in particular to do, We may make a Proclamation, Or receive a Deputation - Then we possibly create a Peer or two.

Then we help a fellow-creature on his path With the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath: Or we dress and toddle off in semi-State To a festival, a function, or a FETE.

Then we go and stand as sentry At the Palace (private entry), Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and fro, While the warrior on duty Goes in search of beer and beauty (And it generally happens that he hasn't far to go).

He relieves us, if he's able, Just in time to lay the table.

Then we dine and serve the coffee; and at half-past twelve or one, With a pleasure that's emphatic; Then we seek our little attic With the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done.

Oh, philosophers may sing Of the troubles of a King, But of pleasures there are many and of troubles there are none; And the culminating pleasure That we treasure beyond measure Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done!

Ballad: The Ape And The Lady

A LADY fair, of lineage high, Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by - The Maid was radiant as the sun, The Ape was a most unsightly one - So it would not do - His scheme fell through; For the Maid, when his love took formal shape, Expressed such terror At his monstrous error, That he stammered an apology and made his 'scape, The picture of a disconcerted Ape.

With a view to rise in the social scale, He shaved his bristles, and he docked his tail, He grew moustachios, and he took his tub, And he paid a guinea to a toilet club.

But it would not do, The scheme fell through - For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen, With golden tresses, Like a real princess's, While the Ape, despite his razor keen, Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen!

He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits, He crammed his feet into bright tight boots, And to start his life on a brand-new plan, He christened himself Darwinian Man!

But it would not do, The scheme fell through - For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey craved, Was a radiant Being, With a brain far-seeing - While a Man, however well-behaved, At best is only a monkey shaved!

Ballad: Only Roses

To a garden full of posies Cometh one to gather flowers; And he wanders through its bowers Toying with the wanton roses, Who, uprising from their beds, Hold on high their shameless heads With their pretty lips a-pouting, Never doubting - never doubting That for Cytherean posies He would gather aught but roses.

In a nest of weeds and nettles, Lay a violet, half hidden; Hoping that his glance unbidden Yet might fall upon her petals.

Though she lived alone, apart, Hope lay nestling at her heart, But, alas! the cruel awaking Set her little heart a-breaking, For he gathered for his posies Only roses - only roses!

Ballad: The Rover's Apology

Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray; Though I own that my heart has been ranging, Of nature the laws I obey, For nature is constantly changing.

The moon in her phases is found, The time and the wind and the weather, The months in succession come round, And you don't find two Mondays together.

Consider the moral, I pray, Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow, Who loves this young lady to-day, And loves that young lady to-morrow!

You cannot eat breakfast all day.

Nor is it the act of a sinner, When breakfast is taken away, To turn your attention to dinner; And it's not in the range of belief That you could hold him as a glutton, Who, when he is tired of beef, Determines to tackle the mutton.

But this I am ready to say, If it will diminish their sorrow, I'll marry this lady to-day, And I'll marry that lady to-morrow!

Ballad: An Appeal

Oh! is there not one maiden breast Which does not feel the moral beauty Of making worldly interest Subordinate to sense of duty?

Who would not give up willingly All matrimonial ambition To rescue such a one as I From his unfortunate position?