Vain Words

Humble, surely, mine ambition; It is merely to construct Some occasion or condition When I may say "usufruct."

Earnest am I and a.s.siduous; Yet I'm certain that I shan't amount To a lot till I use "viduous,"

"Indiscerptible," and "tantamount."

On the Importance of Being Earnest

"Gentle Jane was as good as gold,"

To borrow a line from Mr. Gilbert; She hated War with a hate untold, She was a pacifistic filbert.

If you said "Perhaps"--she'd leave the hall.

You couldn't argue with her at all.

"Teasing Tom was a very bad boy,"

(Pardon my love for a good quotation).

To talk of war was his only joy, And his single purpose was Preparation.

And what both of these children had to say I never knew, for I ran away.

It Happens in the B. R. Families

WITH THE CUSTOMARY OBEISANCES

'Twas on the sh.o.r.es that round our coast From Deal to Newport lie That I roused from sleep in a huddled heap An elderly wealthy guy.

His hair was graying, his hair was long, And graying and long was he; And I heard this grouch on the sh.o.r.e avouch, In a singular jazzless key:

"Oh, I am a cook and a waitress trim And the maid of the second floor, And a strong chauffeur and a housekeep_er_.

And the man who tends the door!"

And he shook his fists and he tore his hair, And he started to frisk and play, Till I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking, So I said (in the Gilbert way):

"Oh, elderly man, I don't know much Of the ways of societee, But I'll eat my friend if I comprehend However you can be

"At once a cook and a waitress trim And the maid of the second floor, And a strong chauffeur and a housekeep_er_, And the man who tends the door."

Then he smooths his hair with a nervous air, And a gulp in his throat he swallows, And that elderly guy he then lets fly Substantially as follows:

"We had a house down Newport way, And we led a simple life; There was only I," said the elderly guy, "And my daughter and my wife.

"And of course the cook and the waitress trim And the maid of the second floor, And a strong chauffeur and a housekeep_er_, And the man who tends the door.

"One day the cook she up and left, She up and left us flat.

She was getting a hundred and ten a mon- Th, but she couldn't work for that.

"And the waitress trim was her bosom friend, And she wouldn't stay no more; And our strong chauffeur eloped with her Who was maid of the second floor.

"And we couldn't get no other help, So I had to cook and wait.

It was quite absurd," wept the elderly bird.

"I deserve a better fate.

"And I drove the car and I made the beds Till the housekeeper up and quit; And the man at the door found that a bore, Which is why I am, to wit:

"At once a cook and a waitress trim And the maid of the second floor, And a strong chauffeur and a housekeep_er_, And the man who tends the door."

Abelard and Helose

["There are so many things I want to talk to you about."

Abelard probably said to Helose, "but how can I when I can only think about kissing you?"--KATHARINE LANE in the _Evening Mail_.]

Said Abelard to Helose: "Your tresses blowing in the breeze Enchant my soul; your cheek allures; I never knew such lips as yours."

Said Helose to Abelard: "I know that it is cruel, hard, To make you fold your yearning arms And think of things besides my charms."

Said Abelard to Helose: "Pray let's discuss the Portuguese; Their status in the League of Nations.

... Come, slip me seven osculations."

"The Fourteen Points," said Helose, "Are pure Woodrovian fallacies."

Said Abelard: "Ten times fourteen The points you have, O beaucoup queen!"

"Lay off," said Helose, "all that stuff.

I've heard the same old thing enough."

"But," answered Abelard, "your lips Put all my thoughts into eclipse."

"O Abelard," said Helose, "Don't take so many liberties."

"O Helose," said Abelard, "I do it but to show regard."

And Helose told her chum that night That Abelard was Awful Bright; And--thus is drawn the cosmic plan-- She _loved_ an Intellectual Man.