But today, he didn't appear. Was it possible he was avoiding me, too? Maybe I had had freaked him out. What kind of pervert was I...taking advantage of sweet, trusting Seb? And maybe the whole smoking cover-story was actually the last thing he remembered doing back there with me...or maybe he'd been freaked him out. What kind of pervert was I...taking advantage of sweet, trusting Seb? And maybe the whole smoking cover-story was actually the last thing he remembered doing back there with me...or maybe he'd been telling telling on me. I had no way of knowing. on me. I had no way of knowing.

The back door swung open, but it was only Andrew who emerged. He was carrying a box with a picture of a dinosaur skeleton on it and wearing his favorite Batman t-shirt. He wore that shirt as many times as he could get away with, which seemed strange for a boy who'd once barely owned a single outfit.

I was almost done with the backyard when Brandon came out. He gave me a cheery nod before plopping down beside Andrew.

"Whatcha up to?" he asked the boy.

"I'm building a dinosaur."

"Where'd you get that thing?"

Andrew looked up proudly. "My teacher gave it to me for behaving good."

"Oh, so you mean when you behave good, you get rewarded?" Brandon said a little too loudly, with a smirk in my direction. "And maybe when you behave bad, you get punished?"

I flipped him off when Andrew wasn't looking.

"Yup." Andrew nodded.

"What kind of dinosaur is it?"

"T-Rex. The coolest," Andrew replied. "Could you help me hold the pieces while I put on the glue?"

Brandon hesitated for only a second before shrugging. "Sure."

They continued to construct the model together while I pa.s.sed them repeatedly in my left-to-right mowing pattern. I couldn't help being just a little bit moved by the sight. There were so many sides to Brandon-the smug, confident, maybe a little arrogant side; the playful, teasing side; even the loving, considerate side he showed with Laloni...and now the patient big brother side. He certainly got along with the little kids a lot better than I did.

Why did he have to be so perfect? G.o.d. It was probably his fault I was all over Seb. I knew I couldn't have him, so I just transferred my raging hormones over to the next available person.

Yeah, that sounded about right. I could buy that.

Fifteen minutes before lights out, I still sat in the living room-an unusual occurrence for me. Brandon had on some CW show while I was mostly watching the clock.

I didn't know where Seb was, and I'd only seen him in pa.s.sing all day. I hadn't heard anyone go out back that evening, but then again, he could slip around like a ghost when he wanted to.

Not that it mattered where he was. I couldn't go out behind the shed anymore. That place was no longer safe...which meant I had nowhere to hide out here. I'd either have to become a full-fledged member of the household, or leave.

And by this time, I knew I wasn't going to leave. Not unless my mom showed up, anyway.

Brandon offered me the remote. "Think I'm gonna turn in. Might go in to school a little early tomorrow to hang out with Laloni."

I shook my head. "Yeah, that's okay. I'm not really watching."

He turned off the TV, and we headed upstairs. Andrew and Ryan were already tucked in, and Dwayne was reading in bed. Seb was nowhere to be found.

"Who's in the shower?" Brandon asked, dropping his jeans and pulling up his pajama pants. I watched, but not really with much interest. I was more concerned with keeping my peripheral vision on the window, waiting for a glimpse of anything blond.

"Seb," Dwayne answered.

Brandon and I both did double takes. "Seb never takes showers at night," Brandon protested.

"Well, he is tonight. Who knows what goes through that kid's head?"

Seriously.

I put on my own pajamas, trying to ignore the strange sadness that haunted me. Seb was changing. I was changing. We'd never have those innocent, peaceful moments behind the shed again, where I could talk through my problems, say things out loud I could never say before.

And it was my fault. I'd gone and taken the innocence out of the whole thing.

The lights went off at the appropriate time and we all settled into bed, but the shower was still running.

"Should I go get him?" Brandon asked. "Maybe he forgot what he's supposed to do in there."

Dwayne chuckled, but I didn't think it was very funny. He wasn't that that r.e.t.a.r.ded...right? r.e.t.a.r.ded...right?

A little while later, the sound of rushing water stopped, and relief coursed through me.

That was, until Seb came into the room.

As soon as he walked in, he looked at me like he hadn't looked at me all day-with that long, deep, uninterrupted stare he had that was so intense, I usually had to break eye contact. Only this time, I didn't. He finished drying off and draped his towel on the hook behind the door.

f.u.c.k. No clothes. Just a pair of too-loose boxers that fell below his hipbones.

Why today? Why'd he picked today, of all days, to decide to walk around mostly naked?

Because s.h.i.t, he had a good body. Not that I'd really doubted it before, but seeing it brought a whole new level of appreciation into the game. Definitely no stunted development there.

"Go to bed, Seb," I whispered, because he was still staring. "It's already past lights out."

I wondered why he hadn't gotten yelled at...but on second thought, I supposed there were special exceptions for the...disabled.

He climbed into bed, still watching me, but there again he did something completely out of the ordinary. He didn't pull up the comforter and hide himself in his usual tunnel of blankets. Instead, he gripped the sheet lightly and left it lying halfway up his thigh. Then, with one last, long blink in my direction, he slowly turned around.

Jesus Christ, why why didn't he have boxers that fit him properly? These were drooping so far down I could see crack, and the soft starting curve of two perfectly-formed b.u.t.t cheeks. didn't he have boxers that fit him properly? These were drooping so far down I could see crack, and the soft starting curve of two perfectly-formed b.u.t.t cheeks.

I sucked in a gulp of air and held it. Held it for what felt like an eternity. Dwayne's little snores and Brandon's deep, even breaths became louder in the silence. Time ticked by, and I grew more confident that everyone was asleep.

But I wasn't even close. I was still staring at the exposed body lying right next to me. Almost reluctantly, I reached under my blankets to confirm what I already knew.

Yup, I was hard. And touching myself just made me harder.

I was now faced with a moral dilemma the likes of which I'd never had to deal with in my life. Was it wrong to be attracted-in a purely physical sense, of course-to someone who was mentally handicapped? Or was it only wrong if I acted on it?

Or was it only wrong if he knew knew I was acting on it? I was acting on it?

My hands were shaking, but all the same I dug into my duffel bag and pulled out the first t-shirt I found. I didn't have anything great in there, so I didn't really care which one I selected. Careful not to make a sound, I pulled the t-shirt under my covers and lowered it to right below my waist.

Was I really going to do this in a room full of people?

I looked at Seb's back side, touched myself again, and wild shivers ran up my spine. Yes, apparently I was. And I knew I could be quiet enough, if I really set my mind to it.

After this, I promised myself, no more perving on Seb. no more perving on Seb. I really needed to get a hobby. I really needed to get a hobby.

My vision of him blurred as my eyes rolled back in my head, but it didn't matter. I'd already seen enough, and felt enough the night before. Seb was gorgeous and I was a h.o.r.n.y teenager...and what he didn't know couldn't hurt him, right?

Short, hissing breaths escaped my teeth as I bit down on my lip. My blood warmed, and in the pursuit of release I forgot all the wrongness of what I was doing and dared to imagine Seb's smooth hand closing around me. Tentative fingers, tightening into a firmer grip, leading me closer and closer to the edge until...

Seb rolled over.

My hand froze around my d.i.c.k and my breathing stopped.

f.u.c.k, f.u.c.k, f.u.c.k. His eyes were open, and I felt like he was looking straight into into me. Did he know what I was doing? me. Did he know what I was doing?

We just stared at each other for a few minutes, his lips parted slightly, my d.i.c.k hard and aching.

Then he closed his eyes and stretched. And when he stretched, his boxers pulled down even more, so that I was given a view of his hips, his lower abs, and the thickening trail of fair hair that led to his p.u.b.es.

s.h.i.t.

For around five minutes I lay perfectly still. This was such such a bad idea. I was pretty sure I was going to h.e.l.l. a bad idea. I was pretty sure I was going to h.e.l.l.

Not that that stopped me. When I was sure Seb had fallen back asleep, I went right on stroking myself, this time admiring his front half instead. The new image kept me from slipping back into the questionable fantasy of Seb touching me, and I worked methodically, my movements slight and more controlled. It wouldn't be the greatest release of my life, but it would still be a relief. Eyes glued to his happy trail, I drove the energy inside me to its peak.

Right before I came, Seb's eyes opened again...and it was too late to prevent the inevitable. Staring directly at his dark irises, I shot my load into the wadded up t-shirt, an uneven intake of breath the only sound to mark the occasion.

Yup. h.e.l.l for sure.

I didn't move a muscle, holding onto my belief that the blankets would shield me from being found out. Seb couldn't see where my hand was beneath the mound of covers. He couldn't couldn't know what I'd been up to. know what I'd been up to.

Afraid that looking away would be like admitting guilt, I held his gaze. It was then that I realized there was no drowsiness in his eyes at all. He'd been awake the whole f.u.c.king time.

s.h.i.t. I felt like I needed to say something to play it cool, and I was about ready to blubber out a few lame excuses for my odd behavior, once the initial shock wore down.

But a moment later, I got a much bigger shock.

Seb smiled.

Not a little lip twitch, not a slight grin, but a full-on, teeth-bared, glowing-in-the-moonlight smile. smile.

Then he pulled up his boxers, pulled up his comforter, and with a pleased-with-himself look that I could've sworn meant, Well, Well, goodnight, Alex goodnight, Alex, rolled back over and went to sleep.

Brandon did go to school early the next morning, crashing about and waking me up before the alarm. I only opened my eyes for about a second, though, before chasing after my sleep again. I'd been dreaming, and whatever it was seemed a lot more pleasurable than sorting out the jumble of thoughts that loomed just at the edge of consciousness.

Unfortunately, the next time I decided to join the world of the living, I'd slept past past the alarm. And by the time I tripped down the stairs, Dwayne was already waiting impatiently by the front door with Seb. the alarm. And by the time I tripped down the stairs, Dwayne was already waiting impatiently by the front door with Seb.

Seb.

As soon as I caught sight of the now-golden hair drifting over his downcast eyes, my heart sped up and my hands grew clammy. I suddenly had the feeling I'd been dreaming something exciting about him... him...and conveniently trying to avoid dealing with what had happened last night in the harsh light of day.

And what exactly had had happened? happened?

One thing was certain: I really, really needed to talk to him alone. Not like we'd talked before...that'd basically just been me talking to myself. Now I needed to talk to him... to him...to get some kind of answers. Was he really the person we all thought he was? Was I completely insane to think he was aware of what was going on last night...and was maybe even pleased pleased about it? about it?

I knew I should've been frightened. If, by some chance, Seb wasn't wasn't special, it meant I'd laid bare nearly all of my secrets to someone who could judge me...or worse, reveal me. I should've been f.u.c.king scared s.h.i.tless. special, it meant I'd laid bare nearly all of my secrets to someone who could judge me...or worse, reveal me. I should've been f.u.c.king scared s.h.i.tless.

But I followed him and Dwayne out the door and realized...I wasn't. I was confused, sure, but underneath that...underneath that was something like a whole swarm of b.u.t.terflies, turning my stomach into a playground for fluttering dips and twirls. Something that made me have to fight to keep my usual slow swagger instead of bounding down the street like a joyful lunatic.

It was hope.

Because if Seb wasn't really r.e.t.a.r.ded, then maybe it was okay for me to like him. And maybe he might like me. Maybe we could like each other. each other.

It was such a beautiful feeling, I could barely think straight.

Seb showed no signs of anything being different as we walked to school. He trudged a few feet behind Dwayne and me, mostly looking at the sidewalk. I bit my lip and held my tongue, reminding myself to play it cool. I couldn't talk to him with Dwayne around.

Not that Dwayne was talking. He didn't usually have much to say to me in the mornings. I was surprised he'd waited for me at all.

Some of my nervous energy found its way into my thoughts, and it suddenly occurred to me that Dwayne didn't speak to me because I tended to be wrapped in my own bitter silence. After all, he and Brandon always seemed to be pretty cool with each other.

And I'd probably been bitter long enough.

"Hey, man, Ryan told me you play football. You gonna play for the school?"

Dwayne gave me a suspicious look, like he wasn't sure why I'd opened my mouth if we weren't going to trade insults.

Then he shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe. Was gonna at my last school."

I wondered if Dwayne had really been someone someone at his last school. Seemed like a possibility, with his looks and athletic ability. Me, I'd pretty much been your average anybody...well known enough to avoid being ha.s.sled, unknown enough that I probably wasn't missed all that much now that I was gone. at his last school. Seemed like a possibility, with his looks and athletic ability. Me, I'd pretty much been your average anybody...well known enough to avoid being ha.s.sled, unknown enough that I probably wasn't missed all that much now that I was gone.

Laloni was right. What the h.e.l.l did I have to go back for? Dwayne'd most likely had more of an "old life" than I did, and he seemed happy enough in his new surroundings.

And back home, I'd never, ever had the chance to feel this completely crazy notion of hope. hope. Hope that I just might be able to find someone to like me the way I'd never thought possible. Hope that I just might be able to find someone to like me the way I'd never thought possible.

Hope made me act a little nutty, though. I stole a glance at Seb and the rush that followed had me babbling again.

"I think you should. Whaddaya have to lose? You make the team and you'll have a never-ending supply of girls from now until you graduate. Plus, you could get a scholarship or something. I bet you're good enough for that."

This time Dwayne looked at me like I'd grown a second head. "Jesus, did you take uppers this morning or something?"

I laughed, another uncharacteristic burst of energy making it a little too loud. "Nah, man. I was serious. Just trying to give some friendly advice."

He still had a disbelieving brow raised, but I did see a hint of a grin. "Sure, man. Keep taking the happy pills. Maybe you'll be a little more tolerable that way."

His comment didn't bother me. Not one bit. It was that d.a.m.ned hope again. I just smiled and let him chuckle a "see ya," before he took off down the concrete walkway into the school.