"What's that? Holy oil? Is it better than holy water?"

"It's only herbs," says Sam. "But if you think it'll help, maybe it will."

The driver s.n.a.t.c.hes the bottle and rubs some on his eyes. "I was blind hey! Now I can see!"

"Really?" cry the pilgrims.

"Nah. I'm still blind. Only joking!"

An argument breaks out. Which stupid idiot booked the blind driver? What's the point of going to Lourdes for a cure if they're all going to be killed on the road! Sam tries to calm them down.

"Shhhh! Think of your blood pressure. Tell me about Lourdes."

Apparently, it all began when the Virgin Mary appeared before a peasant girl and told her to dig a well. A blind man bathed his eyes in the holy water that was drawn from it, and miraculously, his sight came back.

"And that," interrupts the driver, "is why the sick, the lame and the hypochondriacs have gone there ever since."

"Do you believe in miracles?" asks Sam.

"Oh, yes," he bellows, then he whispers to Sam. "'Course not, but don't tell anyone. A million punters want me to take 'em to Lourdes at forty euros a trip. It's a right little earner."

"You're not really blind, are you?"

"There are none so blind," he says, "as them who can't see. Know what I mean?"

One of his pa.s.sengers has overheard. "What do you mean? Are you calling us stupid because we believe in miracles?"

"Ignore the driver," yells a man with gout, "he's talking out of the back of his head!"

"At least he's got a back to his head!" grumbles a man who hasn't.

They carry on moaning until, finally, they arrive at Lourdes. Sam helps Lola into the wheelchair and takes her to a pool of holy water in a secluded spot. She encourages her to sit in it.

"That's right, Lola. Splash it all over. We'll bring some back for Kitty, shall we? It might heal her burns."

Just then, a vision appears before Sam, but it isn't the Virgin Mary. It's Monsieur Hubert Faya Inspector of Miracles. He doesn't look very pleased.

"Excusez-moi, mademoiselle! What is that gorilla doing in my well?"

HOW TO WITNESS A VISION.

Is seeing believing? Can you trust your own eyes? Let's see.

1. Concentrate on the four dots in the middle of the picture for 30 seconds.

2. Close your eyes and tilt your head back. Keep them closed.

3. You will see a circle of light. Keep looking at the circle and a vision will appear.

THE INSPECTOR OF MIRACLES.

Sam gives the Inspector of Miracles a steely stare. "She's not a gorilla, she's an orang-utan."

"Oh?" he says. "Pardonnez-moi! I suppose that makes it all right then, does it?"

Shielding her eyes from the sun, Sam looks around for prohibitive notices. "I'm sorry, Monsieur Faya, is there a sign that says No Orang-utans?"

His reply is somewhat sarcastic. "Mais non ... then I haven't got a leg to stand on."

"No leg? Perhaps you should hop into the well," Sam retorts.

Monsieur Faya allows a small smile to perk up his moustache and his manner softens. "Ah, well, I suppose an ape is ent.i.tled to a miracle as much as I."

Unfortunately, the holy waters don't seem to be doing the trick for Lola. Her cough seems to be even worse. Sam is concerned. "How long should I leave her in there?"

The inspector puffs out his cheeks. "She is not a piece of laundry. Divine intervention doesn't have a washing cycle."

He sits down on the bank and adjusts his hat and, at that moment, Sam has the strangest feeling that she knows him from somewhere.

"What?" he says. "Does my hair look silly?"

"No, I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before, that's all."

She sits down next to him, kicks off her shoes and dangles her toes in the water. To her surprise, he looks over his shoulder like a furtive schoolboy, unlaces his own shoes and slips off his socks, as if it's the most daring thing he's ever done. "Forgive me, but I'm sure G.o.d never intended for us to wear brogues," he sighs.

If G.o.d exists, he's the one Sam would really like to question: Are you magic? Are you real? Are you an illusion? Maybe Hubert Faya could enlighten her.

"Do you believe in G.o.d, monsieur? Only I'm not sure Lola does, in which case she won't be ent.i.tled to a miracle, will she? What time does the vet shut?"

Hubert Faya looks at his watch. "Cinq heures et demi." He refuses to be drawn into whether or not he believes in G.o.d but says that miracles have happened to people who have no faith, therefore they might also happen to orang-utans.

Sam watches Lola paddling pathetically in the water and hopes he's right.

"Do you believe in miracles, Monsieur Faya?"

The inspector chooses his words carefully. "It's my job to make sure miracles are genuine. To do that, I must remain completely unbiased as I try to find the answer to three questions: 1. Was there really a disease? 2. Was there a real recovery? 3. Is there a natural explanation for the recovery."

The inspector explains that anyone who claims to be miraculously cured must be tested by many doctors and scientists. Their case then goes before a committee who ask all manner of questions. If there's still no scientific explanation for the cure, the church declares it a miracle.

"The church has the final say, not the scientists?" asks Sam. "Is that fair?"

The inspector shrugs. "To be fair to the scientists, it's true that one generation's miracle is another's medical fact: diseases that were once deadly are no longer so. It is also well known that the body can heal itself; there are at least three cases a year where tumours disappear spontaneously. Marvellous, I grant you but miraculous? At the end of the day, mademoiselle, it is not up to science to say whether G.o.d performs miracles any more than it is up to religion to establish that water freezes at zero degrees." He dips a toe in the water, closes his eyes, and folds his hands, as if in prayer. "Perhaps the holy water will get rid of my bunion."

Monsieur Faya sits in silence, but his lips are moving. If he's praying, Sam can't make out the words. Perhaps he's reciting the French national anthem. After a while he stops, stares at his offending bunion and sighs. "Ah, not to worry; I will just have to buy more forgiving shoes."

"Were you praying?" asks Sam. "Do prayers increase your chances of a miracle?"

"Or is it because those who pray are positive thinkers?" ponders Monsieur Faya. "If your faith is strong, you enjoy positive emotions such as hope and joy. This is good for your health." His smile fades. "On the other side of the coin, a lack of faith can lead to negative emotions anger and sorrow which shrivel our cells and poison our heart and stomach."

Sam frowns. "Are you saying that if I don't believe in G.o.d, I'll get sick?"

The inspector shakes his head so vigorously, his hat falls into the water. "Did I mention G.o.d, mademoiselle? I think not, I mentioned faith. I did not express a view about whom or what one ought to have faith in. That is for you to decide." He leans forward, fishes his hat out of the holy water and examines the brim. "Would you believe it?" he says. "There was a stain just there and it has gone." With some reluctance, he dries his feet on his handkerchief and puts his socks back on. It's time for Sam and Lola to go.

"There's just one more thing I'd like to ask you before we go to the vet, Monsieur Faya."

"Oui, mademoiselle. Fire away!"

"Have you ever witnessed a miracle?"

The inspector pulls his socks back off it's obvious there's no quick answer to this question.

"No one likes to think he is a foolish man," he says. "But somebody once made a fool of this Inspector of Miracles." He tells her the following tale.

"Some years ago, a gentleman arrived at Lourdes pushing a curious box on wheels. He claimed that it contained the body of his wife who had recently died and whom he had loved beyond compare. He'd come here he said in the hope that the miraculous waters might bring her back to life, for his father had told him that resurrection was not impossible. A crowd began to gather on the banks. He called them together, commanding his audience like... like..."

"Like a magician?" suggests Sam.

"Like Jesus."

The man had waded into the holy water with his dead wife in his arms and bathed her. Nothing happened and, as the tension increased, the man prayed out loud, inviting the crowd to join in, which they did to the point of frenzy.

As the praying reached fever pitch, the dead woman began to move her graceful arm, then, slowly, she rose like Venus, smiling and waving. Transfixed by what they had seen, the crowd fell silent for a moment, but then the whispering began. "She's alive! The waters have brought her back to life!" Giving the man a round of rippling applause, the sick claimed they felt better than they had done for years, the deaf claimed they could hear and the lame threw their sticks in the air. Even the Inspector of Miracles admitted he was impressed and, for the first time, he felt unable to remain unbiased he had witnessed a miracle along with the ecstatic ma.s.ses. And five hundred people can't be wrong ... or can they?

Yes, they can. Five hundred, five thousand, five million it doesn't matter. The size of the crowd has no bearing on the truth. Five billion people can be simultaneously horribly wrong.

This was all John Tabuh was trying to prove when he stood on a rock and announced they were suffering from ma.s.s hysteria. He said that he had deliberately tricked them and that his wife wasn't dead in the first place; it was an illusion. He'd done it to show them how easily people can be fooled into believing what they want to believe.

"You shouldn't have blind faith even in your father!" he insisted.

This was the worst thing John could have said. In all innocence he was talking about his own father, but everyone thought he was talking about G.o.d.

It affected the crowd in various ways. Those whose faith was unshakeable wanted to lynch John Tabuh for his blasphemous behaviour. Those who were a bit shaky lost all hope in a cure and went home. A few grateful cynics thanked Mr and Mrs Tabuh for exposing Lourdes as a con, but the remaining crowd soon turned into an angry mob. The Inspector of Miracles called the gendarmes before someone was hurt. John and Christa were bundled into a police wagon and carted off. At this point, Sam confesses to the Inspector that the couple who'd been arrested were her parents.

"Mon Dieu!" he says. "I am sorry to hear that. I thought they did a brave thing but at the trial, the judge took a very different view. He felt that John Tabuh had set out to tarnish the reputation of Lourdes, for which he was given four years in prison. Personally, I thought the sentence far too stiff."

"And my mother?"

"Two years in a correction centre after which she was taken in by nuns."

Monsieur Faya wasn't sure what had happened to them after that. Rumour had it that they'd fled the country, but he couldn't say where they'd gone.

By now, it is almost 5.30. Shaken by the news of her parents' misfortune, Sam hadn't noticed the time and now she's worried that the vet will be closed.

"This is my fault," says the inspector. "I have kept you too long. I may be able to help you though. There is a local girl who has a reputation for healing animals. I can't promise anything, but the farmers have every faith in her. They say she works miracles with pigs and sheep. I remain unbiased, but who knows? Perhaps she can cure orang-utans also."

The girl's name is Athea Furby. Sure enough, she's on the witch doctor's list, just above a little doodle of a man wearing a suit.

But no socks.

HOW TO MAKE A DOVE APPEAR.

The masked magician produces a shallow pan and removes the lid to show it's empty. The egg is cracked into the pan, which is in turn set fire to. To put out the flames the magician slams the lid on the pan. When the lid is removed, a dove flies out. How?

THE SECRET.

A prop called a dove pan is used. This is a shallow pan with a matching lid which has a very deep rim that fits inside the pan when closed. It can be used to produce birds, roses anything.

1. The rim of the lid conceals a second identical pan or "liner" that fits snugly into the mainpan.

2. When the lid is slammed onto the pan, the liner drops into the main pan.

3. The liner is loaded beforehand with a dove. When the lid is removed it flies away.

ATHEA FURBY.

The Inspector of Miracles points Sam in the direction of Athea Furby's humble home. It isn't far, just a short walk round the mountain. You can't miss it; the front garden is decorated with goat bells.