I rubbed at my eyes, tried to get myself together.

Why? he demanded. he demanded.

Don't worry about it. It's not your problem. I'll be all right.

Please don't cry.

I'm sorry. I'm upset.

J. doesn't love you anymore, Daddy?

It's hard to explain.

Don't you love him?

Yes, I do.

But he doesn't love you?

We had an argument. We're not going to see each other anymore.

Why?

Because we can't.

Why?

I don't know how to explain.

Are you sad?

Yes.

I still love you.

I know you do.

He leaned against me; put his arms around my neck, as if to say, You still have me. I'm still here. You still have me. I'm still here.

46) Juan visits again

JUAN DROPPED DROPPED by the following evening just in time for dinner and was not shy about tucking into hot dogs and baked beans. We could hardly get a word out of him while he took the edge off his hunger. It was a welcome distraction from the gloom that hung over our small apartment. Jackson's absence seemed like a death in the family. by the following evening just in time for dinner and was not shy about tucking into hot dogs and baked beans. We could hardly get a word out of him while he took the edge off his hunger. It was a welcome distraction from the gloom that hung over our small apartment. Jackson's absence seemed like a death in the family.

Each time Juan flashed those soft-brown eyes at me, I felt a tingling in my belly. I loved the way his ears poked out of his hair, giving him an impish appearance.

Although he spent an hour playing Xbox with Noah as I cleaned up the kitchen, he had more than that on his mind. After Noah went to bed, his intentions were obvious.

I didn't exactly put up much of a struggle when he took my hand and led me to my bedroom. He undressed quickly, then stood, watching me, waiting to see what I would do.

He was just as handsome as I remembered, his skin smooth and soft and warm. I eased him backwards onto the bed. I needed little encouragement as I shrugged off my clothes and got naked with him.

I was h.o.r.n.y for him. h.o.r.n.y, but not in love with him. I didn't think I could ever fall in love with him. There was something vital missing. Ease of communication, perhaps. Shared experiences. A similar outlook on life.

None of that mattered. I was lonely, h.o.r.n.y, and mad at Jackson, and Juan was there, sweet and naked and real, and that was enough.

We cuddled for a long time on my bed, holding each other, exploring each other's bodies. He was in no hurry. Neither was I. I enjoyed the feeling of his hands on my skin, the sight of his shy smiles, his pa.s.sionate but inexperienced kisses. What he lacked in experience, he made up for in enthusiasm and the sweetness of innocence.

I love you, he signed when it was over. he signed when it was over.

Without waiting for me to respond, he curled up in my arms, closed his eyes, and was quickly asleep.

47) Voice mail

AFTER MY MY shift at FoodWorld on Friday, I found two voice mails on my phone. The first was from Jackson, asking me again to call him, to not shut him out. The other was from Mrs. Warren, tearfully asking me to get back to her and quickly. I sat in my station wagon in the blazing afternoon heat of the FoodWorld parking lot, the air conditioner on full blast, and punched in her number. shift at FoodWorld on Friday, I found two voice mails on my phone. The first was from Jackson, asking me again to call him, to not shut him out. The other was from Mrs. Warren, tearfully asking me to get back to her and quickly. I sat in my station wagon in the blazing afternoon heat of the FoodWorld parking lot, the air conditioner on full blast, and punched in her number.

"h.e.l.lo?" she said quietly.

"Mrs. Warren, it's Wiley. I'm returning your phone call."

"Oh, Wiley," she said.

Then she fell silent.

"Is everything all right?"

"Kayla's dead, Wiley. She overdosed."

"I'm sorry," I said somewhat automatically.

"We think she might have done it on purpose," she added.

It took me a while to process what she had said, what it meant, not simply to me but to Noah.

She said nothing for long moments. I heard her struggle to control her emotions.

"Please come to the funeral," she said at last. "The visitation will be Sunday afternoon starting at two."

"What about your husband?"

"Oh, who cares?" she asked.

She hung up suddenly and I sat there listening to my air-conditioning straining to provide a hint of coolness, and failing.

What was I going to tell Noah?

I drove home, parked the car, walked down the street to Mrs. Humphries' house, where I found all of them on the front porch. Mrs. Humphries and Mr. Eddie sat in the rockers, Keke and Noah were on the floor playing cards, and Tonya, Keke's mother, and my best friend, was sitting on the railing.

h.e.l.lo, Mr. C.! Keke signed when she saw me. Keke signed when she saw me.

h.e.l.lo, K.

"Hey, Wiley," Tonya said.

"How are y'all?" I asked.

"Wiley, what's wrong?" Mrs. Humphries asked right away.

I glanced at Noah, who had also picked up on the expression on my face.

"Someone's mother overdosed," I said quietly, being deliberately vague for Noah's sake.

"Oh, Lord," Mrs. Humphries said.

"Kayla?" Tonya said.

I nodded.

Tonya now glanced at Noah as well.

"Let me tell him first," I said.

"Oh, Lord, Mr. Wiley," Mrs. Humphries said.

"He was telling me today he wrote to Iron Man," Tonya said. "Wanting him to find his mama. I'm so sorry, Wiley. Do you need us to do anything for you?"

I shook my head.

Daddy, what's wrong? Noah asked. Noah asked.

Let's go home and eat, I said although it was much too early for supper. I said although it was much too early for supper.

"I'll go with you," Mrs. Humphries said, getting up from her chair. "I'll put on some food and you just tend to what you gotta do, Mr. Wiley."

"I'm all right," I said.

"Don't you I'm all right I'm all right me. You shouldn't be alone right now." me. You shouldn't be alone right now."

"Wiley, why don't you just come over here and eat?" Tonya suggested. "He can spend the night with Keke."

Daddy, what's wrong?

This was signed urgently, impatiently, Noah's face screwed up in consternation and fear.

I looked at him.

"Just tell him," Tonya said softly.

But I couldn't. I wiped at my eyes and looked away from him. I thought of that day in the parking lot, the last time we had seen her, how she had rejected him, pushed him down, ran away, how much she had hurt him.

I was suddenly very angry yet filled with a sense of hopelessness.

I don't know why Noah loved her so much, but he did. She gave him no reason.

"Do you want me to take care of it?" Tonya asked, putting a hand on my arm.

I nodded.

Tonya sat Noah down on the steps, crouched in front of him.

"There's bad news about your mother, N-o-a-h," she said, signing at the same time.

Is there something wrong? he asked. he asked.

Tonya was honest, and told him that yes, there was.

What?

"Your mother died, N-o-a-h. We're sorry. We know you love her very much."

He glanced up at me as if to determine whether this could possibly be true.

I'm sorry, sweetie, I signed. I signed.

"No!" he exclaimed angrily. "No!"

Tonya pulled him close in an embrace, knowing, from her own experience, about angry, frustrated deaf kids.

"You hush now, baby," she cooed to him. "We's all here and you's all right. And Mama Tonya's here and Mama Tonya loves you."

He whimpered, moaned, clung to her neck, burying his face in her hair.

I sat on the step next to him, and he moved to my arms, pressing himself against my chest.

I sat with him for a long time as he sobbed.

"He'll be all right," Tonya said to me, her voice full of confidence. "He's stronger than you think he is."