"I know," I said. "I guess I'd better go through the motor home and get what I don't want thrown out or taken by someone."

"You want me to help you?"

"Oh, no. I'll be just fine," I said. Of course, we both knew that was a boldface lie.

When I entered the motor home. I simply stood there looking at everything at first, not knowing where to start. I went through all of Uncle Palaver's drawers, putting things in small bags and cartons. I discovered old pictures of him and my mother, even pictures he had saved of Brenda and me when we were much younger. There was one picture of him and Daddy that brought tears to my eyes. They both looked so young back then, so young and full of hope and energy. If only there was a way to bring pictures back to life, to return to those happier times.

I found another cache of money hidden in a pair of Uncle Palaver's socks, And then. I found a shoe box with clippings and pictures of the real Destiny.

There was a great deal of illusion in this motor home.

I thought. after I had gathered all the tricks and paraphernalia that were part of Uncle Palaver's act, but there were many fine memories of real and happier times stored here as well. What I would do with all this,. I did not know, but I spent hours going through everything, separating what was obviously no longer important from what was.

Trevor stopped in to help me carry it all out. He found a place for me to store it in his winery until I had decided what I would do with it all. Mrs.

Westington told me to put the linens, towels, dishes, and silverware, as well as any insignificant household items in cartons that Trevor would bring to the Salvation Army. Echo decided to help me do all that.

We worked until dinnertime and afterward, we loaded everything into Trevor's truck. He would take it away in the morning.

The auctioneer's man arrived just as we were getting ready to have breakfast the next day. I had spent a night tossing and turning over it all. Once the motor home was gone and Uncle Palaver's things given away or stored, that part of my past was over. I thought. I felt as if I was cutting some umbilical cord and leaving myself totally alone, floating in the s.p.a.ce of indecision and uncertainty.

I had to sign some papers and then the man climbed into the motor home and started the engine.

Echo came out to stand beside me and watch him drive it off. I didn't cry, but the ache in my heart was so painful. I had trouble breathing.

"It's the past," Mrs. Westing-ton insisted.

"Think only about the future."

I nodded. but I didn't say anything and I didn't eat much breakfast. Afterward. I helped clear the table, get the dishes and silverware washed and put away, and then went out by myself and walked down to the lake. Echo was up in her room looking over all her new things. She was as excited now as any young girl about to begin in a new school, whether it was a school for disabled children or not. I didn't need anyone to tell me that soon I would be less important to her. There was nothing wrong with that. She desperately needed to be with her peers, have friends who had things in common with her. Her life in so many ways was just beginning.

Maybe mine was, too. I thought. As if the future was full of bells that rang to signal a new turn and a new direction. I heard Mrs. Westington calling to me from the front porch. I hurried back to the house, worried something might be wrong with her.

It's your sister," she said. "She's on the telephone."

"My sister?" I ran into the house and picked up the receiver. "h.e.l.lo, Brenda?"

"Hi, April. I'm flying into San Francisco tomorrow. I'll be there by eleven. I have a three-hour layover and then I'm going on to Seattle." She gave me the name of the airline and flight number. "We can meet and have lunch and talk," she said. "If you still want to that is."

"Yes, I would like that very much. Brenda.

How have you been doing?"

"Our team lost only one game. I met a lot of interesting people,- she added. The way she stressed interesting made my heart skip a beat. Did she mean someone in particular? "And how have you been?"

she asked.

She had no idea why, but her question made me laugh. "Why are you laughing?"

"I'll tell you when I see you," I said. "But I'm fine now. Brenda."

"Okay."

I told her about Uncle Palaver's things and what our attorney had told me about his estate.

"We have a little money, an inheritance."

"We do have what we need from what Mom and Dad left us, you know. You ran off before I could get into that."

"It wasn't important to me then."

"You have what you need for your college education," she said. "You do intend to go to college, don't you?"

"Yes," I said. "I do." I told her firmly.

"Good. See you tomorrow."

"Okay," I said. I let out a deep breath.

"Well?" Mrs. Westington asked as soon as I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.

"I don't know yet. Mrs. Westington.'

She nodded. thoughtfully. "You know you'll always have a home here," she said. "No matter what.'

"Thank you."

I never imagined that I would be so nervous about meeting my sister. A part of me desperately wanted her love and a part of me still feared her. I was so afraid that when she heard what had happened to me since I left her, she would just shake her head and, as she had done so many times in the past, call me a hopeless case, a loser who would only be a weight around her ankles. Maybe we were just too unalike to ever get along. I knew I would have trouble sleeping.

antic.i.p.ating.

Mrs. Westington had insisted I take Rhona's room back. She had Lourdes clean it as if someone with a contagious flu had been sleeping in it. It was clean enough to be used as a surgical station in a hospital. I kept saying it was good enough and Mrs.

Westington kept finding something else to wash or polish. Even Lourdes looked at me as if Mrs.

Westington had gone mad. In the end I appreciated it.

however.

I placed Destiny in a chair near the bed and slept comfortably up to the night before. when I had been troubled about selling off Uncle Palaver's motor home, and now I feared I'd be tossing and turning most of the night again.

"Stop all this worrying," my voice thrown through Destiny told me. "What will be will be,"

I finally fell asleep. Echo was very curious about where I was going and why right after breakfast. When she learned I was meeting my sister, her face filled with concern. Even though she was going off to school, she had harbored the belief I was remaining behind to live with her grandmother.

Neither Mrs. Westington nor I had spent any time telling her that. Most likely I would be leaving, too.

Later. Echo stepped out on the porch to watch me drive away. She looked so sad I was tempted not to go. I signed I would be back soon and she smiled and waved. I looked at her in my rearview mirror and saw she didn't go back inside until I was turning out of the driveway.

Our lives are filled with so many good-byes. I thought. There were good-byes to our parents and grandparents, of course, and good-byes to our other loved ones, but we also said good-bye to ourselves, to our youth especially. As I drove to the San Francisco airport to meet Brenda. I did feel older, almost battle weary, a scarred veteran of wars, toughened, perhaps more cynical, but certainly more self-confident. It was something Brenda saw immediately.

She came walking out of the gate to meet me and paused for a moment, her eyes blinking as though she had to be sure she was looking at me before continuing. She had her knapsack on her and carried a small athletic bag. She, too, looked different to me.

She had her hair cut the same way and she looked to be the same weight, but she wasn't as tall and intimidating as I remembered. Perhaps, without my realizing it, I had known a few inches.

I had my hair brushed back. It was longer than she would have remembered it.

"Hi," she said.

For a moment we were both unsure of what to do next. Should we hug each other? She moved first, putting the bag down, and we did. Then she stepped back.

"You look like you lost a few,"

"A few," I said.

She stared at me. "I forgot how much you look like Daddy."

"I never thought so."

"Oh. yeah. You have his eyes and his nose.

They say as you get older, you start to look like your parents more and more. Where can we get something to eat? I'm starving. I hated the plastic food on the plane."

"Down here is a sort of cafeteria-style place," I said, pointing to the right. She picked up her bag and we started toward the restaurant. "Was it a long flight?"

"Long enough. I've been on so many planes, I can't distinguish one from another anymore."

We entered the restaurant and I chose a salad and a bottle of water. She said nothing. but I caught her watching me choose food for myself just as she always did. She did fill her tray with hot food, some juice, bread, and a fruit dessert. We sat at a table in the far corner.

"Where should we begin?" she asked, b.u.t.tering her bread. She looked up when I didn't respond.

"I don't know. Probably with my meeting up with Uncle Palaver."

She nodded. "Good. I don't want to talk about Celia."

"You haven't heard from her since-"

"No. That's over. Go on, tell me what it was like being on the road with him, doing those shows."

I described it as best I could. She ate and listened. but I felt she was looking past the stories and the descriptions. She was studying me so hard. When I described Uncle Palaver and his Destiny, she shook her head.

"I really did use to wonder about that. He never brought her around. There was always one excuse or another. How sad. Where's the doll?"

"I still have it. I won't let it go,"

"I see. And after he died, this old lady just took you into her home to be with her deaf granddaughter?"

"Yes," I said. "Mrs. Westington."

"Well, what's that been like, living there?"

I talked so long and enthusiastically about Trevor. Echo, Tyler. and Mrs. Westington, Brenda's eves just remained wide the whole time. She smiled and nodded and then. when I began to talk about Rhona and Skeeter, her face darkened. I told her what they had done to Echo and me, about their arrest and their upcoming trials.

"I'll have to be a witness, of course."

"All this just happened to you?"

"Yes, and to Echo."

"Did he actually rape you?"

"Almost," I said. "But there are enough charges beside that against him to put him away for a long time."

She looked away and then took a deep breath. I couldn't be sure, but it looked like she was pulling back tears.

"I felt terrible the day you ran off and not because of the reasons you think. I knew Mom would have wanted me to look after you and Daddy expected it. I left you out there all by yourself"

"No, you didn't. Brenda. Besides. I was with Uncle Palaver."

"He left you. too. You were with strangers."

"Not long. They've become my family."

She winced, "That's good." she said. She played with her remaining food for a few moments. I took advantage of the silence and ate some of my salad.

She continued, her head down. "I made a terrible mistake with you. April. I should have been more truthful and forthcoming about my s.e.xuality.'

"No, you-"

"Yes. I should have. Even back when we were in the public school together. I should have taken you into my confidence. I know how confusing it must have been for you when you first realized and how that must have impacted on your own ident.i.ty. It's very important to be comfortable with yourself, with your own s.e.xuality, no matter what that might be.'

"I think I am. Now," I said.

"Good, but I left you out there to wallow in all this... distortion. I'm sorry I've been too involved with myself.'

"I don't blame you for anything. Brenda."

"You should, but okay, I'm glad if you don't,"

she said. "Anyway, what do you want to do now?Will you come live with me in Seattle?"

"Will I be in the way?"

"Never. I'm not going to lie to you, however.

I'm with someone again, someone not as absorbed with herself as Celia was. She's an a.s.sistant coach.

and I know you'll like her. As a friend," she added quickly. "We've got this four-bedroom house with a real yard and an office you can use for your schoolwork. You still have to finish your senior year.