DECEMBER.

Chapter Forty-Eight.

Maura

I wake on the first of December to a light dusting of snow as snowflakes flurry gently from the sky. It's cold outside, the kind of cold that hurts your chest when you breathe in too deep, and I savor the feeling as I clutch a hot cup of Starbucks Peppermint Mocha between my hands. An energy, an excitement, a new sense of hopefulness flows through me as my boots crunch through the snow on my way to practice. We've been practicing indoors for a few weeks now and it's a quick walk to the gym where the Erg room is located. This allows me an extra fifteen minutes of sleep in the morning, which somehow makes a big difference in my mood.

"Hi, Kay." I smile at our team captain as I sip the last of my drink and discard the paper cup in the nearby recycling bin. "What're we doing today?" I sit down in the corner of the room to remove my boots in favor of sneakers.

Kay waves a hand at me absently. "Hey, Maura. One under intervals followed by thirty minutes steady. It's not too bad," she replies before sitting next to me and putting on her sneakers.

I nod, thinking over our workout and calculating what my heart rate should be throughout the intervals.

"Our times are improving steadily. I think Holy Cross and Wakefield are going to be our biggest compet.i.tors going into the spring season." Kay continues, looking at me from the corner of her eye as she double knots her laces.

Holy Cross and Wakefield are always tough compet.i.tors but this season, Holy Cross held on to most of their varsity eight from last season and the girls, now in their senior year, are seasoned and perfectly in sync after having been rowing together for a solid two years. I nod in agreement. "Yeah our times are definitely better, but I think we may need to switch up our start to compete with Wakefield. They're start is really powerful and they managed to take the lead from the get-go in a lot of the fall regattas."

She purses her lips for a moment, considering my suggestion. "What do you have in mind?" She turns to me fully then, her eyes curious.

And so we begin to talk crew, stats, starts. Just like we used to. Before. The rest of the team floats in throughout our conversation. The girls remove heavy layers of jackets, sweatshirts, hats, and boots. By the time we've a.s.sembled onto our ergs and Kay has written the workout on the whiteboard at the front of the room, it seems like I'm whole again. Maura the rower, the athlete, the winner.

Just in time for winter training.

Practice pa.s.ses surprisingly quickly, and I finish the sets with strong times. I'm pleased with my performance and a bit relieved that after so many months of slacking off, I'm still able to compete at a decent level. I'm nowhere near where I was, or where I should be, but I'll get there. I'm committed now so things are different.

After practice, I toe off my sneakers and slide back into my boots. Picking up my practice bag, I check my phone and smile that there's a message from Zack.

Zack: Good morning, bet your up before the sun. Snow's already sticking. Want to do dinner in the form of takeout tonight instead?

Me: Sure, sounds good. Come to my dorm around 7?

He responds instantly.

Zack: I'll be there. Italian OK?

Me: Perfect. Xo "Oh wow, Maura, what's with the smile?" Valerie calls me out, nudging Amanda in her side. "Get a look at Rodriguez's face. Who's the guy?"

I blush.

Several other teammates look at me now, and the girls laugh in amus.e.m.e.nt.

"I have a date tonight," I confess.

Kay whistles loudly and hysterics erupt again.

"Good for you," Valerie says seriously. "It's about time a boy made you smile like that."

Casey nods in agreement. "Yeah. It's about time you smile in general."

Amber snorts in response.

I can't help the grin that stretches across my face. As much as I've pulled away from these girls the past few months, it feels really good to be back among them again. I forgot how much fun we all have together, traveling to regattas, spending most of our waking hours together, confiding in each other. I forgot how much I miss this, miss them.

"Thanks," I say, averting my gaze and picking up my duffle bag. "Hope to not see you suckers tomorrow morning."

Everyone laughs except Kay. "We'll still have practice. The snow won't be that bad."

"Yeah, okay, Hillard." Valerie rolls her eyes. "Have fun tonight, Maura."

I wave a hand in farewell and head out of the gym to my Photography cla.s.s.

By the time dusk falls, the snow is several inches high and patches of black ice hide along the pathways around McShain. A ma.s.sive storm is coming and forecasters are predicting eight to ten inches of snow tonight. Hopefully cla.s.ses, and maybe even practice, will be cancelled in the morning. I'm relieved Zack had the foresight to reschedule our dinner plans so we didn't have to cancel. It's embarra.s.sing how excited I am to see him tonight. Things are different now; I'm getting to the place I need to be in for us to be together. Like a real couple. And he's patiently waiting. Like the good guy I don't deserve but am relieved to have a chance with.

I smile to myself before raising my hands to my cheeks. I'm really freaking happy and the thought is somewhat unsettling as I realize how unhappy I've been for so long. Just living in a fog, going through the motions, getting through the day. But now it's like I'm waking up after a really long sleep, viewing my surroundings in a new light, seeing everything with a completely different perspective. The colors are sharper, the voices louder, everything brighter.

Being happy is actually a relief.

I'm waiting in my dorm for Zack to show when my FaceTime rings and Mia's name shows on my screen.

"Hey, Mia," I answer, smiling as her camera switches from black to her face.

"Hi! How are you?"

"Good, you? You look happy," I comment, noting her bright eyes and wide smile.

"So do you." She shoots back before tilting her head to study me. "You look different actually. What's going on?"

I shrug.

"Spill it, Maura."

"I have a date."

Mia's mouth drops slightly. "With who?"

"Zack."

Confusion crosses her face. "Do I know him?"

"Kind of."

Mia narrows her eyes, pursing her lips in thought. "Adrian's friend?"

"Ding, ding, ding." I smile at her.

"Oh my G.o.d." A hand covers her mouth in surprise. "When did this happen? I thought he was just like, looking out for you or something."

I nod. "Yeah, me too. But it sort of ... I don't know, developed into more. Is that bad?" I ask suddenly, desperate for Mia's rea.s.surance that I'm not doing something wrong by falling for Adrian's best friend.

"No!" she exclaims, her eyes growing serious. "Not at all. I think it's really amazing actually. It's great that you've found someone that understands everything you've been going through and also has a connection to Adrian. It's perfect really. You guys already have an understanding, a kind of shared history, you know?"

I nod, chewing my bottom lip as I reflect on her words. I never really thought about it that way, but I think one of the reasons I am so attracted to Zack is because of his connection to Adrian. And because I know, despite his initial reluctance, that Adrian would approve. In fact, he'd really like the fact that I was with a guy that has the character, the morals, the qualities that Zack possesses.

"True," I say finally. "I actually think Adrian would approve."

She laughs lightly. "Are you kidding me? Adrian would definitely approve. Once he got past the shock that his best friend was into his sister." She laughs. "What are you guys doing tonight?"

I sigh. "Hanging in and eating takeout. We're getting a blizzard." I roll my eyes.

"Oh..." Mia's face lights up "...I hope you guys get snowed in and rowing is cancelled."

I laugh. "You and me both. What's got that goofy grin on your face? Or should I say who?"

She blushes lightly and shakes her head. "I'd love to fill you in on all the details, but I actually have to go. I was just calling to say hi. I promise, once I'm back in a few weeks, we're going to have a real, serious catch-up. And I'll share everything then."

I roll my eyes but nod, resigning myself to the fact that I'll just have to be out of the loop a little longer. It's obvious that Mia is incredibly happy and that's the important thing. I guess the details don't really matter as long as she keeps smiling and blushing the way she is. "Okay, but I'm holding you to that."

"Promise." She places a hand over her heart. "See you soon?"

"Yes! I can't even wait."

"Me too. Bye, Maura!" She blows a quick kiss.

"Later, Mia." I press the red b.u.t.ton to disconnect our call.

Shuffling over to my desk and plopping down in the chair, the picture of the four of us girls catches my eye. I pick it up and study our faces. Lila's eyes are open and shining, her blond waves tumbling around her shoulders. Emma's mouth is half-open in a laugh, her hand coming up to insist on another photo. Mia looks nervous, her chocolate eyes serious, her smile hesitant. And me, I look ... like a shadow of myself. My mouth is twisted between a smile and a snarl and my eyes are turbulent with all the things I didn't know how to express, all the anger I kept holding on to, trying to suppress until it came bubbling out of me as I began confiding in Zack.

It's amazing really, how much four months can change your life. How much being on your own for the first time ever really does force you to grow, look at aspects of yourself and be honest about the person you are. I thought this semester would be lonely and boring, that I would just be existing in a routine I've already done for years. I thought I wouldn't learn anything, wouldn't stick to the pact, wouldn't even venture out of my comfort zone. Because while the other girls were seeking out adventure and a new journey, I was going back, back to the familiar, to the known, to the consistency. What the h.e.l.l could be challenging about that? I thought I'd sink into the numbness I craved until the spring semester rolled around so I could thaw out like frost.

But then Zack happened.

He forced me to confront things I was avoiding, like my anger toward Adrian. He made me realize that being numb is sometimes harder than being hurt. The repercussions last longer. He made me feel optimistic again, hopeful for the future. And I forgot how amazing it feels just to revel in being alive, eager to begin another day, positive about the future.

Zack redefined my comfort zone.

Chapter Forty-Nine.

Zack

I knock on Maura's door a little after 7:00 PM, a brown bag of Italian takeout in my hand, a small Margherita pizza balancing between the wall and my forearm.

She opens the door slowly, her smile shy. She's dressed in tight black yoga pants and a large, oversized sweater the keeps sliding off her left shoulder revealing her smooth caramel skin. "Hi."

"Hi." I smile. "You look beautiful."

She rolls her eyes and reaches forward to take the pizza off my arm. "Come on in." She calls over her shoulder as she walks into her dorm room.

My eyes drink her in. The curve of her tight a.s.s in those pants, the slope of her neck as her sweater slides down farther, the tangle of black curls that sit in a bun on top of her head. She really is stunning and the crazy thing is, she has absolutely no idea. Sure, she knows she's s.e.xy when she's trying to be angry, sarcastic, hard Maura. But under that fragile surface, she's sweet and kind and hurting. And so f.u.c.king real that her rawness, unapologetic honesty, her truth is so beautiful it's blinding. And when I stare at her, I have to remind myself to blink, to breathe, to respond to whatever she's saying in this moment.

"What?" I ask, coming back to the moment.

Maura laughs. "I asked what did you bring for dinner? Besides pizza."

"Oh." I hold up the bag still dangling from my hand. "Pasta primavera and seafood risotto."

"Mmm." She groans appreciatively, her tongue darting out to slide along her bottom lip. "I'm starving."

I nod, finally crossing the threshold and closing the door behind me. And as the door clicks closed, the room shifts as the gravity of this moment sinks in. Maura and I, we're on a date, we're going to be together. Eventually. After all the uncertainty and bad timing of this semester, things are finally falling together instead of apart.

"Go to Boston with me," I blurt out, watching her closely as her eyes widen in surprise and she turns to face me fully.

"What?"

I take a step forward, placing the bag containing our dinner down on her desk and taking her hand in mine. "I know we're sorting everything out. I know this sounds ridiculous. But I want to eat crab cakes with you and do something fun and spontaneous. Winter break is in a few weeks. Before we head home for Christmas, let's go to Boston. We'll freeze our a.s.ses off..." I laugh at the craziness spilling out of my mouth "...and eat New England clam chowder in bread bowls. We'll be tourists and walk the Freedom Trail, visit Paul Revere's house, and lurk in cemeteries at dusk. We'll get away from all of this..." I throw my arm out wide, gesturing to McShain University, and Boathouse Row, and the entire city of Philadelphia "...and just be me and you and see where that leads us."

I pause, watching her closely, waiting for a reaction. Did I push? Too much too soon? Too late now. The seconds tick by.

And then Maura smiles and it's like the sun peeking through the clouds, brightening her entire face, lightening her eyes. "Okay."

"Okay? Seriously?"