Nicole and I help Mom and Dad cook up a giant feast that our aunts and uncles and cousins all gather at our dining table to enjoy. Grandma Chloe sits at the head of the table, saying grace and raising her wine gla.s.s in a toast. And our family descends on the plates piled high with food like vultures, everyone eating and talking and laughing until we're all too full to move and stuffed with enough tryptophan to require a ma.s.sive nap. At this point in the day, the cousins claim pillows and giant quilts and we all settle down in a haphazard cl.u.s.ter in front of the fireplace to snooze, football playing in the background.

"No Lauren this year?" My cousin Emery asks as she fluffs a pillow next to mine.

"No," I say, not bothering to elaborate.

"I heard you guys were back together," she tries again.

"We're not. We had a brief moment in September but never got back together."

"That's not your Facebook status."

I laugh. "I don't have a Facebook status."

She rolls her eyes. "Well, you should check Lauren's updates then. Her status is: It's Complicated. She was posting as if you guys were already engaged. Although, you're right; her posts have died down a bit lately. Still, we were all expecting to see her. Well, Cam was just hoping she'd be here."

I laugh, letting any mention of Lauren roll off my back. No use getting upset. I was completely honest and straightforward with her. How she chooses to process that information is her issue. My cousin Cameron is nine and has had a major crush on Lauren from the moment he met her.

"It's not like that," I tell Emery. "It never was."

Nicole snorts on my other side, and I elbow her in the ribs.

"You should make sure Lauren knows that," Emery says, pulling a quilt up around her shoulders and turning on her side, away from me.

I look at Nicole and raise my eyebrows. What is that about?

Nicole's eyes widen in response. Emery and Scott broke up. She's projecting.

I nod in understanding.

Nicole stifles a laugh by pretending to yawn and turns away from me, snuggling into her pillow.

Nestled between my sister and Emery, with Cam's stinky feet sometimes kicking the top of my head, I close my eyes and try not to think about Maura. I try to think of nothing and just relax. Little by little, the stiffness in my back subsides, the soreness in my shoulders eases, and I start to drift. Maybe it's because for a moment I'm reliving my childhood. Maybe it's because the beer has gone straight to my head. Or maybe it's because being with family always manages to somehow put everything in perspective. But when I do fall asleep, I'm completely out.

Later, Nicole tells me I snored.

"War!" Nicole announces, flipping over her next card. Nine of hearts.

We both count out three cards facedown and flip over a fourth. "You win," I tell her noting her King of Spades. Pushing all the cards in her direction, she stacks them neatly and adds them to the end of her pile.

"So," Nicole begins, taking a sip of her coffee spiked with Bailey's, "what gives? You were quiet today. And you're never quiet."

I shrug glancing around the kitchen. Hours ago this room was buzzing with chatter, filled with delicious aromas, swarming with people. It was also a ma.s.sive mess as piled dishes littered countertops and half-empty beer bottles lined the windowsill over the sink. Now, it's quiet and calm and clean with just a hint of the organic lemon cleaner Mom uses hanging in the air. I've always loved Thanksgiving, loved the food most but also the company. My family is big and loud and crazy. But they're mine. And today I enjoyed just watching the interactions between everyone.

"It was a nice day. Good to be home," I say to Nicole instead.

"Right. So what happened with Lauren?" She fixes me with a raised eyebrow.

"Wow, no lead-up there. Just going in straight for the kill, huh?" I ask her, taking the two cards as I win the round.

"I've never been known for my subtlety."

"Ha. Yeah, I know."

"So?"

"I ended it back at the start of October after we talked. You were right, and I told her I didn't want to get back together, that we broke up for a reason, that I thought we were just doing casual."

She snorts. "Casual is never a word that girl understood. What happened? She did post on social media all through October insinuating that something was going on between you guys."

"I'm not sure. She started acting bizarre. You know D'Arco told me that after we broke up last year she would wait around the house looking for me, send the guys messages to see where I was."

Nicole raises her eyebrows but doesn't really look surprised.

"What?" I ask her.

"Nothing. I mean, I can see that."

"You can? Is it just me that never realized she had stalker tendencies?"

Nicole laughs. "Probably. You always tend to see the best in everyone and overlook their shortcomings."

Hmm. s.h.i.t. Is that what I did with Adrian? Did I choose not to see that he had a problem right from the start because I was too busy focusing on all his good qualities.

I shake my head. "Anyway..." I flip over another card "...then she thought she was pregnant." I look up at my sister.

Nicole coughs on her coffee. "What?" Her eyes widen, gold flecks shimmering in pools of brown as she tosses her red hair over her shoulder. "It was a scare?"

I nod. "I think so. I'm not sure. She was elated about the whole thing. Kept going on about how we would be amazing parents and make a beautiful family. It's like she really wanted us to be having a baby. And when she found out she wasn't pregnant, she started throwing Maura in my face. Telling me that-" I cut myself off, not wanting to tell Nicole that Adrian died after swiping my old prescriptions. "Telling me that she would tell Maura all sorts of s.h.i.t if I asked her out."

"Jesus." Nicole slaps her pile of cards down, ignoring my Queen of Diamonds in the middle of the table.

"I know."

"Are you going to ask Maura out?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I want to. I'm just not sure now is the right time."

Nicole tilts her head at me. "Why?"

I shrug. "Timing's off."

"Timing is never going to be perfect with something like that."

"I guess." I take a swig of the beer next to me. It's lukewarm.

"When did you guys start hanging out?"

I shrug. "Since school started. I ran into her and ..." I trail off. Neither of us is even playing cards anymore.

"And ...?"

"We hang out from time to time. Talk about Aid."

"But you like her. Really like her," Nicole presses, her eyes observant as ever. No one has ever been able to read me like my sister.

I nod, looking up at her guiltily. "That's f.u.c.ked, right?"

Nicole shrugs. "Not that you have feelings for her, no. It's honest."

I shrug. "I just don't know what Adrian would say about it all."

She laughs. "Are you kidding me? If it was anyone else, he would probably want to shoot them." She laughs. "But you, I think he would be quite excited about getting you for a brother-in-law after all."

I smile at her, her words warming a part of me that isn't as nave as she is. "Thanks, Nicole."

"That's what sisters are for." She smiles sweetly, pouring a bit more Baileys in her coffee. "Want to get drunk with me?"

I laugh, gesturing between us, recalling the conversation we just had. "Sure, Nic. That sounds like a great idea."

She laughs with me, "You can start figuring out how you're going to ask Maura out tomorrow. You know, when you're hungover."

I nod. Sometimes coming home is all the perspective a guy needs. My thoughts shift to Maura and how difficult it must be for her to go home now, for her to spend Thanksgiving with her family without Adrian physically present but with his presence marking every inch of the house, ghosting every word of conversation. I suddenly feel grateful for these random nights I can spend playing cards and drinking with my sister. I smile over at Nicole as she slides a shot gla.s.s across the table at me. Shaking my head, I stand up and walk over to our parent's liquor cabinet, grabbing a bottle of vodka. Uncapping the bottle, I pour out two shots.

"To annoying, nosy sisters." I raise my gla.s.s.

"To emotionally-challenged little brothers," she responds.

We both laugh. And then we drink.

Chapter Forty-Two.

Maura

On Sunday I take the train back to Philadelphia from Lila's house. She's having lunch with her Mom before flying back to L.A. When she hugs me goodbye, she holds on for extra seconds then pulls back slightly, her hands resting on my shoulders, her eyes locked onto mine.

"You're going to be okay, Maura."

I smile at her weakly. "So are you."

"I know." She tries to smile back. "Who ever thought we would be this far out of our comfort zones."

I laugh. "Stupid pact."

Lila shakes her head, tossing her golden waves over her shoulder. "I'm glad we did the pact. Regardless of everything, I've learned a lot this semester."

I consider her words for a moment. No one told me to become a lush and sleep around to push past my comfort zone. I made those decisions all on my own. Still, I cup my abdomen protectively, I'd never give up knowing what it was like to have had my little wonder, even for such a short time. "Me too," I tell her finally.

She pulls me back into her embrace. "Don't be such a stranger. Call from time to time, okay?"

"I will."

"Take care of yourself."

I nod. "You too."

She turns around to help me with my bag.

"Li?"

"Hmm."

I wait until she looks up, makes eye contact with me. "You deserve something good. Someone like Cade. Don't let him go."

She nods and looks away, but still I see the moisture gather in the corners of her eyes.

Poor Lila.

Maybe this semester has us all redefining ourselves after all.

I arrive back at my dorm room in the early evening and decide to take an Uber straight here from the train station and skip stopping by Mom and Dad's. Except now that I'm here, the silence envelops me, the quiet emptiness of my floor follows each of my footsteps. I just want to leave again.

Sighing, I sink onto my bed, picking at the new comforter set I picked up at Walmart. It's a pale lilac and sage green floral pattern. I'm not in love with it but it was a good deal for the price and now it's mine so ... I flop back against the bed and think of what I could do to waste the hours until morning.

I should probably work on my Photography a.s.signment.

I should get an extra workout in.

Or I could drink the bottle of wine Lila's mom gave me for Thanksgiving. After all, it's a holiday weekend, right? No need not to enjoy some festivities.

I'm relieved that the bottle is a screw top and not a cork. Twisting off the cap, I pour myself a generous amount in a red Solo cup and flick on the TV. Channel surfing while I take my first sip, I enjoy the bold flavor of the dry red wine. Finally, I settle on VH1 noting with glee that reruns of Keeping Up with the Kardashians is playing. Score!

Two episodes later I'm halfway through the wine bottle.