Duh. Talk about dense.

He shrugged one shoulder. "You weren't the only early bloomer."

She sank into the chair in front of his desk. "So why on earth didn't you lock the door?"

"I don't know!" he snapped, clearly impatient with her game of twenty questions. "I guess I forgot. I was only eleven."

"I don't mean to interrogate you. I'm simply trying to understand how it happened."

"I'm sorry." He tossed his hands up. "It had been years since anyone tucked me in. And everyone in the house knocked. I guess protecting my privacy wasn't an issue. That night, my mother must have come to my room to say goodbye and thought I might already be asleep. When she opened my door to check, I was oblivious to my surroundings."

"Please tell me she left as soon as she saw what you were doing?"

He shook his head. "I have no idea how long she was there. About twenty seconds after I came, I opened my eyes and saw her reflection in the mirror. She just stood in the doorway, staring."

After discovering Kevin and Gina together, Hannah could understand his mother's stunned paralysis. It was a miracle Jordan ever climaxed again after his mother watched him.

"I grabbed the comforter off the bed and hid under it. She smacked me and accused me of being a filthy pervert like my father who, by the way, was the very last person I ever wanted to be compared to."

How could that bitch make him feel like a deviant for doing something so natural and normal?

"That was the last time I ever saw my mother. The next morning, my father told me she'd left us."

She reached out and squeezed his arm. "You blamed yourself for that, didn't you?"

"For a long time. Over the years, my problem mostly resolved itself, but I still take longer to finish than most men. Except not with you," he added. "For some reason, when we make love,"-he sucked in a deep breath-"sex feels right. Almost pure. Even today when I lost control."

Hearing this only made his rejection hurt worse.

"So go on," she encouraged. "I didn't mean to pull you so far off track. What happened that night with your fiancee?"

He sank into the chair next to her. "When Marcy told everyone about my size and stamina, her friend, Lily, joked that if she had a stud who screwed like the battery bunny, she'd give up girls. She told them the only way she ever got enough was with more than one lover at a time."

"That's just....." Hannah shook her head and shuddered. "Ugh."

"Marcy and her friends were just as shocked. Especially since Lily was only a freshman and they were seniors. But they also couldn't wait to hear what it was like to be with another female."

"Who told you all of this?"

"Marcy did-the next day, after she realized how pissed off I was. She apologized and said the whole thing got out of hand after she admitted I sometimes made her sore. She told them she wouldn't mind having another woman in our bed to take over some of the work."

Hannah released a soft cynical snort. "I'm sure that made you feel a lot better about the whole thing."

"Oh, yeah. I loved hearing the girl I planned to marry considered having sex with me a chore." He paused to swallow. "Nympho-Lily told Marcy she didn't know how lucky she was to have a guy who could keep it up all night."

"What'd your fiancee say to that?"

"She agreed it had been great at first, but after a while it became a drag. The next thing she knew, Lily was badgering her into letting her help treat me to a, quote-unquote, unforgettable bang."

Obviously, it was something he would've liked to forget. "Wait a second. Is this Lily the same woman from the governor's office who you didn't want to talk to last week?"

"Yes. So now you understand why. That night, when Marcy pulled off my blindfold, I couldn't budge. As I mentioned, I had a significant hard-on, so I felt as if I'd been transported into a porn film-as the star."

"So you didn't stop it?"

"That question shows how little you know about men and their relationship with their Willies. A twenty-one-year-old guy doesn't pull out of woman's mouth for anything less than a death threat." He stared off into the distance as if he was reliving the depraved experience. "Anyway, the two of them seduced me and took turns screwing me in between making out with each other."

"Oh, Jordan. You didn't ask to be part of it."

"No, but I didn't stop it, either." He raked his fingers through his hair. "Don't you understand how ashamed I am that I couldn't summon up enough willpower to resist them? How much it sickened me to see Marcy suck on Lily's breasts and to hear how much she enjoyed her friend touching her?"

Hannah hadn't considered the agony he must have felt witnessing the woman he loved in bed with someone else, much less another female. Was there any wonder he'd shoved Hannah away when she'd been tipsy after the charity dance? It also explained why, despite his unflagging desire for her, it scared him to see her lose her inhibitions.

"Fool that I was, I thought I still loved her. I kept telling myself she never would've agreed to do something like that if she hadn't been totally plastered."

"I'm sure you're right."

"The week after it happened, Lily confessed she'd slipped amphetamines into Marcy's drink, which probably lowered her inhibitions even more."

It amazed her he'd never told a soul and kept his ordeal bottled up so long. She gently rubbed his back. "I know it was tough to talk about. I promise, I'll never tell anyone about this."

He drew in a ragged breath. "The next day, when Marcy told me what led up to that night, she didn't understand why I was upset. She'd bought into the whole myth that all men dream about dozens of women getting it on together with them."

Hannah's cheeks flared with heat at recalling how she'd accused the male gender of the same thing.

Jordan shook his head. "I know a lot of guys would've been boasting about it. But I felt filthy and ashamed."

Obviously, he still did. As he had once said, fantasies weren't necessarily something one wanted to become reality.

"Afterward, I had nightmares that I'd gotten them both pregnant, and Lily had given me some sort of STD. Then when Marcy told me Lily was late-"

"Oh, my gosh. Was she preg-"

"No, thank God. But I spent a week worrying before Lily finally got her period. As much as it terrified me that a psycho like her could be carrying my baby, I hated that she might abort my child."

And no amount of his family's money could've bought him the right to stop her.

"The worst part was, after experimenting with the whole girl-on-girl thing, Marcy couldn't wait to do it again-without being drunk or drugged. She didn't understand why I didn't want anyone else, female or otherwise, in bed with us. I told her she had to pick. So she did. And it wasn't me."

Hannah tipped her head and studied him. "So, are you hurt or bitter? I'm not quite sure how you feel about what happened?"

"I guess a little of both. Mostly, I felt betrayed."

To have the woman he cared for choose other women over him must have destroyed his ego along with his faith in love. "If it's any comfort, she made the wrong choice."

"And I made mine. I don't trust love, Hannah. I won't let people make commitments to me, and I won't rely on them not to hurt me. As soon as I do, they either die or leave me."

"If that's the case, why aren't you afraid of getting attached to a child you might have?"

"I'm scared shitless. Bobby proved youth is no immunity to death." Jordan sucked in a shuddering breath. "But my grandfather has done so much for me. The least I can do is give him the heir he wants." He laughed without a hint of humor. "Preferably before he dies, and I lose him, too."

Evidently, convincing Jordan he wanted to spend his life with her wasn't the issue. He was afraid of being hurt again. This would teach her not to listen to her instincts. The affirmations on the subliminal CD were all wrong. They should have been about how much he could trust her with his heart. But after the seduction game she'd played all week to rouse his jealousy, he was less likely than ever to believe she would never hurt him.

He rose from his seat and picked up the last of the clutter from the floor. One corner of his mouth lifted in a half smile. "The only promise I can make, Hannah, is I would always take care of you and our baby."

"What about your hope of becoming Chairman of the Board?"

He shrugged one shoulder. "The directors all love you, and if they really want Calder to promote a family health image, they should be thrilled for me to have a kid. I'm sure they'd prefer to see me hitched first, but that just isn't going to happen. In their eyes, having an exclusive relationship with you is ten times better than me dating six different women. My grandfather is so crazy about you, at first I thought he wanted you for himself."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No." Jordan shook his head, his expression dead serious. "I was actually jealous of my own grandfather. You haven't a clue how you make men feel, do you? I guarantee Edward would jump at the chance to have you live with us."

And she was just as certain he wouldn't. Jordan's grandfather was a traditional man. She could imagine how fast Edward's opinion of her would deteriorate if she agreed to live in sin with his grandson. "How about you? You've trusted me with your deepest secrets, yet you can't trust me with your heart. What do you feel for me?"

He heaved an anguish-filled sigh, and her heart leapt in hope as he admitted, "You're more special than any woman has ever been to me. But don't ask me to label my feelings. I can't....I won't do that."

In other words, he would never marry her or let himself completely love or trust her. If she'd known up front how emotionally scarred Jordan was, she never would've believed she could change his mind about making a commitment to her.

Closing her eyes, she sucked in a steadying breath and stood. "I'm sorry. Being just your lover isn't good enough. I deserve better than to be a rich man's mistress."

"No question about it." He spread his arms wide. "The hell of it is I know it's unfair to ask you to accept anything less than a wedding ring. But I'm sorry. It would be even more criminal to marry you when I know I can't ever give you what you need. I'll be your lover and friend for the time being and a father to any children we have, but that's all I can offer."

"I'm sorry, too." Despite that he refused to return her feelings, she loved him. But if she compromised and settled for what he was offering, she would undoubtedly grow to resent him. Self-preservation dictated she walk away, regardless of how her heart ached to give him anything that would make him happy.

"On Tuesday, you encouraged me to put my own happiness first. So that's what I'm doing. I'm not the same pathetic, insecure woman I used to be. I deserve love, romance-and marriage. And I won't settle for anything less."

Chapter 18.

trust v. 1. To have or place confidence in; depend on. 2. To be confident; hope. 3. To believe.

He who trusts too easily may be betrayed, but he who doesn't trust at all will never know true love or friendship-not to mention, he'll be a bit paranoid.

The outer office doors banged closed, punctuating Hannah's hasty departure. Jordan squeezed his eyes shut, still stunned he'd spilled his guts to her that way.

She'd been like a curious toddler who'd found a microscopic split in his armor and kept poking at it with her questions until it became a huge, gaping hole, leaving him completely exposed. That he'd let himself become that vulnerable was proof he'd already let their relationship go too far.

How could he make her understand the whole reason he couldn't give her what she wanted was because he cared so much about her? The last thing he wanted was to hurt Hannah.

Bullshit, his conscience taunted. What you can't handle is her hurting you!

He winced at the pounding in his head and rubbed his neck. In the last week, Hannah's CD had pretty much wiped out his migraines. He'd almost forgotten how fast one could come on and how much his head could hurt.

He reached for the remote he'd replaced on his desk after their tussle and clicked on the stereo across the room. The soothing sounds of ocean waves filled the air. He leaned back and closed his eyes, letting the tension seep out of him.

You are such a jackass, his conscience whispered. Doesn't it mean anything that, even after hearing how you screwed Marcy's friend, Hannah still wants you? Doesn't that prove she loves you?

Yeah, but for how long?

His mother had been right about him. Deep down, he was a filthy pervert.

"Ready to go?"

Hannah's stomach sank on Monday when she glanced up at lunchtime and found Bryce standing in her office doorway. She glanced at her watch. Darn. He was early.

"Ummm....not quite. Can you wait while I finish this?"

"Sure." He flopped into the chair next to her desk and watched while she pretended to proofread a letter.

Knowing her luck, this would be the one day Callie would be late. Hannah had planned to call her at some point during the morning and tell her friend about the crazy scheme she'd hatched, but time had gotten away from her.

When Hannah had accepted Bryce's lunch offer on Friday-an invitation she knew he made purely to push Jordan's buttons-she'd figured she could cancel at the last minute and talk Bryce into taking Callie, instead.

"So how're you doing with you know who?" Bryce jerked his head toward Jordan's door. "Any sign of him weakening?"

There was no way she could tell Bryce that their attempts to make her boss jealous had worked a little too well. She wanted Jordan to yearn for her love as well as her body, but more importantly, she wanted his trust and respect-something she feared she'd never win.

"No. If anything, he's even more resistant. It's pointless to hope his feelings will change. So,"-she sighed-"in the interest of keeping my job, I'm giving up on him. There are plenty of other men who aren't commitment-phobic and who would love to have a family."

"Present company excepted." Bryce grinned.

Unfortunately, she'd gone out with four guys since she'd returned from Washington-Hank on Thursday, Jeff on Saturday, Sunday brunch with Dave from Accounting and then bowling Sunday night with Brad from Regulatory. She hadn't felt the slightest desire to kiss any one of them-let alone make a baby with him.

Callie's head finally poked in the door. "Hey, let's go, I'm starv-" Her gaze locked on Bryce lounging next to the desk, and she froze, her face a mask of betrayal.

"Oh, no." Hannah slapped her forehead with all the drama of a V-8 commercial. "I forgot to tell you Bryce asked me to lunch." She smiled at him. "You know, I really need to finish this. Why don't you take Callie, instead? I appreciate your effort to nudge Jordan, but-"

"Are you sure?" Bryce frowned. "We could wait and the three of us could go together."

"I'll probably be a while. You'd better go without me."

"Okay." Bryce stood and guided Callie toward the door. "I guess it's just us, kiddo."

"Great. Can we go for Chinese?"

Hannah gave Callie a thumbs up behind Bryce's back and received a strained, contrite smile in return. Once they left, she turned back to her computer.

"That was some performance." Jordan wandered out of his office carrying the tin of cookies and nibbling on a lemon square.

"Thanks. Too bad I'm not as good at orchestrating my own love life."