"Why don't you stay for dinner?" I said, and Seth did not need his arm twisted in the least.

I felt like a bitch in heat at the supper table as well as later on when Seth and Kyle and I played Monopoly. Seth is so nice-looking and his voice is real lively, though he sounds like a Yankee through and through and Kyle and I couldn't stop ourselves from teasing him about his accent. He is good-natured, though, and teased us back. Especially me. I wanted his attention worse than I've ever wanted anything in my life, and he was generous about giving it to me. His eyes never left me-I could feel him staring at me no matter what I was doing. I began to wish I had on something other than my dusty old overalls.

Seth is twenty-six. He's from Philadelphia, but he's lived in New York the past four years and he loves the city, which I cannot understand for the life of me, but at this moment I don't care. This has been the most exhilarating night of my life. I can't stop thinking about him.

Before Kyle went off to the parlor to sleep he stopped in my room. "That boy's going to have nasty dreams about you tonight, Kate, that's for sure," he said.

I told him I might have a few myself and chased him from my room. So tomorrow I will see Seth again. I'm so glad Matt picked this weekend to spend in New York. Otherwise he'd be moping around here moon-eyed and I'd feel funny being so brazen with Seth. Seth Gallagher. I love his name. I love his green eyes. I am acting like a love-struck fool.

October 4, 1952 I wore my hair in a long braid down my back this morning, and since it was warm, I put on khaki shorts and a white shirt. When Seth arrived with his cameras and tripod, he handed me a box filled with blood-red roses. I shook when I took them out and put them in a vase, they were so beautiful, so red.

"The only color I could even think of getting you," he said. He wanted to take my picture where I usually write, but that is either in the cavern or my bedroom. Tempted though I was to let him in my room, I couldn't do it with Susanna around, nor was I willing to let him see the cave. So I suggested the pits.

It was fun having my picture taken. Seth is so sure of himself and made me feel at ease. On the way back through the woods, he took my arm. "Kate," he said. "Will you go out with me tonight?"

I wanted to say yes so badly, but go out? I knew what would happen if I went out-I'd have one of my terrors and make a fool out of myself. "Maybe we could just stay here and play Monopoly again."

"No, I want to take you out to dinner and dancing afterwards. There's a band at the Coolbrook Hotel tonight."

So I agreed on the condition that Kyle could come too and bring a date. Kyle's not seeing anyone right now, so I wasn't sure he would agree to this, but he did. He's excited for me that I'm actually interested in someone. He can't believe it and neither can I.

"I want to look sexy tonight," I told him.

"You're the only woman in the Shenandoah Valley who can look sexy in overalls, Kate," Kyle said. We were in my room and he opened my closet and shook his head. "You don't own a single dress."

I suddenly wanted more than anything to wear a dress. I wanted to shave my legs and wear nylons.

Susanna spent the afternoon hemming one of her dresses for me to wear. Susanna is a quiet person who usually keeps her distance from me, but this afternoon she's been by my side every minute, helping me get ready for tonight. I'm even borrowing her nylons and garter belt and a special strapless brassiere that wraps around my ribs and makes it hard to breathe. Just what I need is to have more trouble breathing than usual.

The dress is beautiful. It is black and hugs my body and the long sleeves and yoke are made of a black lacy material. It's cut to a V in front and the tops of my breasts show.

"That dress looks better on you than it does on me," Susanna said as she fiddled with the neckline. "You have more cleavage than I do."

When I was completely dressed I stared at the stranger in the mirror. I tugged the dress a little lower, amazed by how voluptuous I looked. My legs were sleek and gorgeous. Susanna had parted my hair on the side and it looked like a golden waterfall. She put pencil and mascara on my eyes, rouge on my cheeks, and, despite my protests, lipstick on my lips.

Kyle came into the room, looking fine himself in his gray suit, and the expression on his face when he saw me made my getup worth it even if I didn't go anywhere except back to bed.

"Holy mother of Christ," he said. "Even I didn't know you could look this good." He took my hand and turned me around to get a view of me from every angle. Then he slipped the tips of his fingers under the neckline of my dress and tugged it up an inch or so.

"Kyle," I said, "I've spent the last hour getting it just right."

Kyle shook his head. "Do you want Seth to spend the entire evening with his eyes on your chest and his mind like oatmeal? Don't be cruel, Kate."

"I'm scared," I said. "I know what's going to happen the second I get there. I'll get dizzy and won't be able to breathe and..."

"Shh," he said. "You'll make it happen for sure if you keep thinking about it. I'll be right there with you. You'll be fine." He checked his watch. "I'd better go pick up Bess." He hugged me. "I'll be at the hotel by the time you arrive, beautiful lady," he said.

Seth picked me up at seven. He was shocked speechless by the way I looked and it wasn't until we were in his car and on the road that he told me I looked "like a movie star," and that he was "honored" to be with me.

I didn't feel at all nervous as we drove along and I know it's because he reminds me so much of Kyle. I was even fine when we got to the hotel. Kyle was waiting for us with a very pretty girl named Bess Donner. He was careful to sit next to me at the table in the hotel restaurant. The waitress took our orders and then I got the first little wave of breathlessness. It's hardest for me to just sit. My chest started tightening up like it does. I looked at Kyle and he leaned over and whis-pered in my ear, "You'll be fine, Kate."

Then Bess said, "It's rude to whisper," but I could tell she was teasing. Bess is the type of girl who teases a lot. She's confident about her prettiness. I'd never heard Kyle mention her before and wondered how he knew her. She has very straight light brown hair cut to her chin and big brown eyes. She's thin in an appealing, energetic way and was wearing a blue dress with lacy sleeves like mine, so I guess I am right in style.

Bess asked me questions about my writing and it put me back at ease to have something to talk about. Seth said I was one of the favorite children's authors at Waverly Books. He said they talk about how they'd love to get me up to New York to wine and dine me, but I always refuse their invitations. I'm viewed as something of a mystery, he said.

"Well, now you've met her," Bess said, "so the mystery must be gone."

Seth smiled at me. "Not at all. Meeting Kate has only added to the mystery. She's an enigma. I feel as though she must be a figment of my imagination. I expect to develop my film and find no one there."

Then our food was delivered which started my decline. When my nervousness comes on me, I cannot eat. The sight and smell of food makes me nauseous.

"Is something wrong with your food, Kate?" Seth looked at me from across the table. "You've barely touched it."

I'd been pushing the meat and potatoes and snap beans around on my plate, hoping that the fact that I was bringing none of it to my lips would not be noticed.

"That's Kate for you," Kyle said. "It's the creative mind. When she's working on a story, she gets a thought in her head and it absorbs all her concentration and she completely forgets what she's doing. It always happens at the table, doesn't it?" He looked at me and I nodded, his partner in this little ruse. "It's a wonder she has any flesh on her bones at all."

Seth once again buried his eyes in my flesh and I looked thankfully at my brother.

"What story are you thinking about now, Kate?" Bess asked.

I told them about Child of Sand and my words came out a little confused and breathy because of my nervousness, but I thought, what does it matter? I am a woman of mystery and peculiar eating habits. I can get away with just about anything.

Then the music started and Seth asked me to dance.

"I don't know how," I said. I couldn't go out there on that dance floor. I knew my fear would rise the moment I left Kyle's side. Seth was persistent and I was nearly sweating with terror by the time he finally gave up and took Bess out on the dance floor. I watched him pull Bess into his arms and felt a little jealous. I was starting to shake. Once I start to shake, it's hard for me to ever feel right again.

"Kyle," I said. "I'm going to have to leave." I was looking at him, pleading with him to save me somehow, save me from my own wretched self.

He took my hand under the table and squeezed it hard. "Relax, Kate. Think about something else." He looked around us. "You are easily the most beautiful woman in this room, do you know that?"

"Well, Bess is very pretty," I said. "How do you know her?"

Kyle looked toward the dance floor where Seth was turning Bess around and around in nauseating circles. I thought for a minute he wasn't going to answer me. Then he said, "Bess is the girl Matt sees in Luray."

"The hussy?"

"Shh." Kyle laughed. "She's a very nice girl, Kate. Be kind."

"Why, you've had her too," I said. I knew by the way he was so quick to take up for her and by the color in his face that I was right.

"That, sweetheart, is none of your business."

I felt triply jealous of this woman now. She was in the arms of the man I wanted, she was the occasional wanton lover of my dear friend Matt and she'd lain with my brother as well.

"Next dance is mine," Seth said when he returned to the table. "I won't take no for an answer."

On the dance floor I felt swoony in his arms, not so much from his touch as from my fear that I would pass out or upchuck down the front of his shirt at any moment. "I don't care if you step on my toes," he said cheerily. "I just needed to get you away from Kyle and Bess and all to myself for a while."

I barely heard a word he said as he danced me in circles, further from the door, further from Kyle.

"Kate," he said. "You're trembling. Are you cold?" He pulled me closer, suffocating me, and I fought like an animal to escape his arms. I pushed away from him.

"I'm sorry," I said and I nearly ran back to the table, plowing through the mass of dancers to get there. "I have to leave," I said to Kyle.

Bess stood up and touched my shoulder. She looked over at Seth who was trying to cut through the crowd more politely than I had. "Did he get fresh with you?" she asked.

"No." I started crying, looking helplessly at my brother. "Kyle," I said. He lifted my coat from the back of my chair and put it over my shoulders.

"What did I do?" Seth asked when he reached the table.

"Take her outside," Kyle said to Seth. "She'll be all right once she's outside. I'll take care of the bill."

People were looking up from their tables.

"Tell him the truth, Kate," Kyle called after me.

Outside, as Kyle had predicted, I felt better. I leaned against Seth's car while he asked me what was wrong. "What did your brother mean about telling me the truth?"

"Can we sit in your car?" I asked. He opened the door and I got in. I felt sorry for him for thinking he must have brought this on somehow.

"There's something wrong with me," I said. I was still trembling and he held my hands. "I've been this way a long time. Since I was a child. I get very nervous away from home. I was so excited about tonight and I hoped I could make it through somehow. I actually made it longer than I usually do. I'm so sorry, Seth."

"That's why you didn't eat."

"Yes."

He smiled, but it was a sad smile. "I had illusions of you visiting me in New York, me showing you around."

"I could try," I said, though a well of helplessness filled my chest. "I've never met anyone before that I wanted to try for."

"Does it make you nervous to be kissed?" he asked.

"No," I said, and he leaned over and kissed me, softly, once. "I'm not made of glass," I said. "You can really kiss me."

And he did, a long, hard kiss, and then he lowered his head to my breasts, buried his face there and I never felt happier to be a woman than I did at that moment.

Suddenly there was a knock on the window. I turned to see Kyle's face against the glass. "Is everything okay?" he asked through the window. He was holding Bess's hand behind his back and she was giggling.

"Yes, Kyle," I said. A minute ago I'd wanted him to save me; now I wanted him to leave me alone.

"I'm about to drive her home, big brother." Seth grinned. He is as handsome as all get-out.

As we drove toward Lynch Hollow, Seth said, "I'm staying over one more night, Kate. Will you see me again?"

"I'd love to." I was overjoyed that I had not completely ruined everything with him. When we pulled up in front of the house, he kissed me again, then stroked his fingertips along the neckline of Susanna's dress.

"We could spend tomorrow evening in my hotel room if you think you can manage that," he said.

I could see he was nervous about suggesting that to me, not sure how I'd take his forwardness. I guess I was seeming a mite unpredictable to him. "I'm a virgin, Seth," I said. "And I would like you to be the one to put an end to that condition for me."

He just stared at me for a moment. Then he smiled. "You're the strangest girl I've ever met." He kissed me again. "I'd be honored to help you out of that dilemma."

I waited up for Kyle to get home and when he finally came in my room to say good night, I told him our plan.

"Seth and I are going to make love in his hotel room tomorrow night," I said.

Kyle frowned at me. "I don't know, Kate. You don't know him very well and-"

"Kyle, don't you dare tell me I shouldn't do this. Don't you dare ruin it for me. You fuck everyone you meet."

"I do not. And clean up your mouth."

"I'm twenty-five years old and I've never made love." I felt so sorry for myself I thought I might cry. "I thought I never would. Then here comes this beautiful man just out of the blue, with his camera and his green eyes and his smile that's so much like yours. And for the first time I want somebody and I'll be damned if I'm going to wait until I know everything there is to know about him. I don't care what more there is. I want him now."

"All right," Kyle said. His voice was very quiet after my little scolding. "But Matt will die."

"Matt doesn't need to know all my business," I said. "I've known Matt for a thousand years and I've never felt the kind of attraction to him that I felt after one minute with Seth."

"All right, Kate. Sleep well." Kyle left my room and I threw my notebook at the door after he closed it. I wanted him to be happy for me. He's going to sap all the joy out of this.

October 5, 1952 I'm so excited. I took a long bath this afternoon with some of Susanna's bath crystals. I keep expecting to feel terrified each time I think of being in a hotel room so far from Lynch Hollow, but I'm pretty calm so far.

Kyle is repentant. He just came in my room, sat down on his old bed and told me he was sorry for trying to burst my bubble last night. Then he handed me a Trojan!! "Take this," he said, "in case Seth's fool enough not to have any." Then he reached into his back pocket and handed me another. "Better take two," he said.

I thanked him and slipped the Trojans deep in my purse.

"Listen, Kate," Kyle said. "Some men don't know the first thing about making sure a woman, you know, gets her pleasure when they make love. I don't know how much Seth has been around. You're the one who taught me, remember?"

I nodded, remembering how wonderfully drunk he was the night I drew him a picture of the workings of a woman's body.

"I don't know how long it would have taken me to learn that on my own," he said. "So if Seth wasn't lucky enough to have a sister who...I just don't want you to have high hopes and then be disappointed."

"I'll be fine," I said. I was beginning to feel embarrassed.

"It can hurt the first time, too."

"I know, Kyle. I read, you know."

"I'm irritating you," he said with a smile.

"Like salt on a wound." But I smiled back at him. I love Kyle so much. I'd miss it if he didn't worry about me. He said he'd sit in the lounge of the hotel tonight in case I need him, even though I'm sure I'll be fine. He has a book he wants to read, he said. He can read just as well at the hotel as he can here.

October 6, 1952 I'm sitting in my room. It's the middle of the afternoon and Kyle is asleep in the other bed, the bed he never sleeps in anymore. It is the first sleep he's had in two days and I am so relieved to finally see some peace in his face that I could cry.

My poor brother. His life changed overnight, and mine did not change at all. I am as much a virgin today as I was yesterday.

Seth picked me up at seven and we drove directly to his hotel. I wore my dungarees again and a wool sweater. "I've been thinking about last night," he said to me in the car. "The way you ran out of the restaurant and the things you told me about yourself."