She said, aIt wasnat very wonderful alone in the bathroom looking at that little blue linea.

aNoa.

aAnd it still isnat very wonderful not knowing what will happen. Not a" knowing how you feela. Matthew pointed to his face. aLook at mea.

aMatta"a He said quickly, aDonat hurry me, Ruth, donat push, donat want answers now this minutea. aOK,a she said reluctantly.

Matthew blew his nose into a clump of napkins.

aItas just knocked me out. This newsa.

aYesa.

He looked at her.

There was a pause and then he said, aItas wonderful, you a" youare wonderful,a and then he picked up her nearest hand and kissed it and returned it to her as if he was afraid of becoming responsible for it.

When she and Matthew first met, Ruth reflected now, staring unseeingly at her half-finished email to Laura, Matthew had often told her she was wonderful. Her hair was wonderful, and her body, and her laugh and her driving and her taste in music. She was wonderful to him for what she was, for the package of a person that seemed to him desirable enough to warrant persistent and energetic pursuit. But, sitting at that caf table with him and listening to him tell her she was wonderful, it had come to her, with a kind of glow, that she seemed wonderful to him at last for something she had done, rather than something she was. She felt, and had felt ever since, that Matthew had awarded her a recognition, that he had acknowledged an admiration and a pride at what she had done, in becoming pregnant. She couldnat remember if he had ever looked at her professional efforts and accomplishments with the respect and approval he seemed all too ready to accord her now. She was inclined to think that if he ever had she would indeed remember, recognition of achievement being about as basic to human need as food and drink, and thus this extraordinary glow of approval in which she was tentatively basking was not only unexpected, but was also probably a first.

She couldnat, of course, blame Matthew for withholding admiration in the past. For as long as she could remember she had, as so many of her girlfriends had, worked assiduously at relinquishing recognition. When she fell in love with Matthew, and the discrepancy in their earnings inevitably dictated the mechanisms of their life together, she had almost unconsciously played down her achievements, withdrawn all visible evidence of her paying power behind a barrier of standing orders and direct debits as well as ceding any available attention to Matthew whenever possible. It was only when this curiously primitive need to own her own flat expanded to become something she could not give up that she confronted him a" no, both of them a" with the bald fact that she did not want him to hold her back just because he couldnat do what she could do.

And the consequence of that determination to buy the flat was that she had been made to feel a" or, she thought truthfully, just found herself feeling a" that in behaving in a way that was not automatically self-deprecating and deferential she had surrendered the chief defining quality of femininity, that of being the giver. Essential womanliness, that warmth and tenderness and loyalty that makes girls conventionally desirable, was, apparently, something that Ruth had turned her back on, thrown down and stamped on. Never mind the unfairness of it, never mind the way that most cherished traits of femininity always seemed to be defined within a relationship, as if possessing no value unless to others, that was how it had seemed to her. She had acted with all the self-reliant, decisive independence that would have been so much applauded in a man, and felt her very sexuality had been assailed in consequence. She might be endorsed most heartily at work for what she was achieving, but what was that endorsement worth when spread thinly across the whole of her life outside work? Who would care, in ten yearsa time when all her contemporaries had families, that she was earning, at thirty-eight, more, annually, than her father had ever earned in all his working life? The Victorians had described women who were hell bent on higher education as agamic, asexual. How many people still, Ruth thought, including a shrinking part of her own outwardly accomplished self, would have agreed with them?

And now, look at her. Look at her. Deflected into carelessness about contraception by the urgency of her own need not to seem some unattractive freak, she was pregnant. She was in, by mistake, the most supremely female condition she possibly could be. And Matthew, not appalled as she feared he might be, not jubilant about his potency as men were supposed to be, had been, quite simply, moved. The news had touched him emotionally in a way she would never have predicted, a way she was not at all sure she felt herself. And that reaction meant that he would now certainly do what she had longed for him to do, and ring her.

What she would say when he did, however, she couldnat be sure. In the perverse way of human things, especially longings, she wasnat even sure how much she now wanted him to ring. When he did, he would ask questions, want to make plans and, as yet, she wasnat sure what she wanted, how she saw the way ahead. What was so extraordinary, especially given the fact that babies had not even featured near the bottom of her agenda up to now, was that the painful loneliness she had felt since she and Matthew parted seemed to have subsided. Telling Matthew she was pregnant had given her a sensation of independence, as surprising as it was welcome. To her amazement, the baby, even at this stage, was a fact, and not a choice of any kind. She laid a hand carefully across her flat stomach. Perhaps she had now regained everything she had lost. Perhaps she now, oddly enough, held all the cards, all the approval. She took her hand off her stomach and put both on the keyboard.

aI am,a she wrote formally to Laura, avery well indeeda.

Rosa thought she hadnat been to a matinee since she was small, and Edie and Russell used to take the three of them to matinee performances of musicals at Christmas. There had been something exotic about going into a theatre in daylight and coming out in the dark, as if some time travel had happened in those few hours and the world was now a different place. Twenty years later, a matinee didnat seem so much exotic as out of step, a requirement to surrender and believe, against the evidence of all your senses, that almost amounted to a challenge.

The theatre was only a quarter full. Such people as had come sat scattered about and the girl selling programmes was yawning. Rosa went to the very back of the stalls in a belief that, even if Lazlo could see as far as that from the stage, he couldnat see in detail. But that afternoon, it would be unlikely head be looking at anyone but Edieas understudy. Edie was never ill, never missed performances, despised people who used health as an excuse for failing to fulfil obligations, but, all the same, Edie was in bed with a severe headache and a determination to perform that evening.

aMiss me,a shead said to Lazlo, silhouetted in her bedroom doorway. aMind you miss mea.

Rosa felt a twinge of disloyalty at seeing Edieas understudy rather than Edie. But then, it wasnat Edie she had come to see that afternoon, it was Lazlo, Lazlo with whom shead made a plan, to meet in the interval between afternoon and evening performances. They were intervals head admitted were difficult to fill, as the need to conserve energy had to be balanced by an equal need not to relax down to a point from which it might be hard to rouse oneself up again. Rosa said she understood that, she could see that, and why didnat they just have a quiet something to eat somewhere, no big deal?

Lazlo looked doubtful.

aUsually I just reada"a aWell this time,a Rosa said, ajust talka.

aOK,a he said. He gave her his shy smile. aThank youa.

She smiled back, but she didnat tell him she would watch a performance first. She wanted to watch him in peace for a while, watch how he was without Edie, watch him, as it were, out of context. She wanted to see if she could discover why it was she found him so interesting and, even more, why she should want a man who was not in any way her type, and younger to boot, to think well of her. She settled back into her seat. There was a lot of the first act to get through a" including the unwelcome sight of that awful Cheryl Smith acting so well a" before the door on the left of the stage opened and Lazlo emerged, with his hat and his pipe, and said, with the hesitancy she had come to find so very appealing, aaOh, Iam sorry a" I thought you were in the study.aa She glanced down at the programme. He really had a very nice profile.

Vivien was lying on her bed when the telephone rang. She was lying there because she had planned to lie there anyway, to rest before Max took her to have dinner with a new client whom he said he wanted her to impress. So, when he rang and said that he was mortified but the client wanted to have dinner alone with Max because it was strictly business he wanted to discuss, Vivien had decided to go to bed anyway even if for different reasons.

aI donat know what to say, doll,a Max had said. aI feel just terrible. And after promising you. But this one could be quite a big one, and you know how things are with me just now. A big one could make all the differencea.

Vivien, sitting by her telephone table in the hall, said nothing. She felt herself invaded, drawn back by the Vivien of the past, the Vivien who had stopped shrieking at Max and had taken instead to stonewalling him with silence.

Vivi?a Max said. aDarling?a aBye,a Vivien said. aHope it works,a and then she put the telephone down and went upstairs to her bedroom and kicked her shoes off. If she couldnat lie on her bed in anticipation, she would at least lie on it for consolation. She settled herself, with angry little twitches, and looked at the dress hanging on the cornice of her wardrobe. It was layered chiffon, printed in grey and white (aLove you in those cool colours, dolla) and she had been going to wear it that evening.

The telephone on her bedside table began to ring. She looked at it thoughtfully.

aNo,a she would say to Max, ano, you canat change the plans again. Iam doing something else this evening now. Iam going to the cinemaa.

She let it ring six times and then she picked up the receiver and held it away from her ear and waited.

aVivi?a Edie said.

Vivien shut her eyes tightly for a second, as if to squeeze back tears.

aWhy arenat you at the theatre? Donat you have matinees on Saturday afternoons?a Edie said deliberately, spacing the words out, aI have a headachea.

Vivien made a sympathetic noise.

Then she said, aYou never have headachesa.

aI have one nowa.

aYou should take HRT. You should just admit your age anda"a aIam tired,a Edie said loudly.

aWhat?a aIam just tireda.

aOf course you are. Working, the house so fulla"a aI didnat ring up to be lectured!a There was a short pause and then Vivien said, aWhy did you ring up then?a aI was lying on my bed,a Edie said, aand thereas no one in, not even Russell, and I, well, I wanted to talk to someonea.

aSo Iall doa.

aYes,a Edie said, ayouall do. How are you?a aFinea.

aIroning Maxas Jermyn Street shirts and concocting a seduction supper and planning your trip to Australiaa"a aWe arenat going to Australiaa.

aVivi!a Vivien put a hand up and blotted at the skin under one eye and then the other. aNope. Not goinga. Vivi, why not?a aMax says,a Vivien said, staring towards the window, athat he canat afford ita. aExcuse mea"a aPlease donata. aDonat what?a aDonat,a Vivien said, aencourage me to think what Iam thinkinga.

aBut he sold his flat!a aI knowa.

aAnd it was a big flata"a aI know, Edie. I know, donat go on about it, donata"a aOh Vivi,a Edie said, in a different tone, aoh, Iam sorrya.

aItas nothing. Itas just a tripa. She looked up again at the chiffon dress. aNothing else,a she said loudly, ato worry abouta.

aYou sure?a aOh yes. Heas very contrite. You can tell a really sorry man, canat you?a From downstairs came the two-beat tone of the doorbell.

aDamn,a Vivien said, sitting up. aSomeone at the doora. aRing me back, if you need to. Iam here till sixa"a aI thought you had a headache?a aItas going,a Edie said, aitas really going. Vivi, what can I doa"a Vivien stood up and pushed her feet into her shoes.

aNothing,a she said. aThanks, but nothing. Nothing needs doing. Itas all finea.

Outside the front door, a man from the local floristas was waiting. In his arms he carried a bouquet of red roses, wrapped in cellophane, the size of a large baby.

He grinned at Vivien over the roses.

aAfternoon!a he said. aThe lucky lady, I presume?a Rosa had ordered a salad. It came with a ring of bread balls circling the rim of the plate, and Rosa had picked these off and piled them neatly on her side plate and pushed the plate away from her.

Lazlo paused in cutting up his pizza and eyed them.

aArenat you going to eat those?a Rosa shook her head. She had taken off whatever had been holding her hair back, and it was loose on her shoulders.

She glanced, smiling, at his pizza.

aIsnat that enough?a He looked mournfully at his plate.

aItas never enougha.

She pushed the bread balls towards him. aFeel freea.

He said, in a rush, helping himself, aYou were in the theatre this afternoon, werenat you?a There was a tiny beat and then Rosa said, aYes. I wasa.

Without looking at her, he said, aTo see if I could cope without your mother there?a She selected an olive from her salad and looked at it. Then she put it back.

aI didnat think of thata.

aDidnat you?a aNo,a she said, glancing at him, aI didnat. And you coulda.

He directed a small smile towards his plate.

aYes,a he said, aI could, couldnat I? I did wonder a bit. I hopeda"a He paused.

aYou hoped you could swim without your armbandsa.

aYes,a he said. He looked straight at her. aI did. Is thata"a He stopped.

aNo,a Rosa said. aNo. Shead want that, too. Shead want that for youa.

Lazlo cleared his throat.

aThe thing is,a he said, aIave a" well, Iave got another parta.

aOh!a aIn television,a he said. aA six-parter. Iave got quite a big role. Iam a" well, Iam sort of second leada. Rosa leaned forward. aThis is wonderfula. aDo you think so?a aOf course it is,a she said. aOf course it is! And you deserve ita.

aWella"a Rosa put down her knife and laid a hand on Lazloas wrist.

aMum will say the same. Mum will be thrilleda.

aAre you sure? Itas Freddie Cass directing again. He -well, I hardly had to do a casting, it was just a formality. It seems a bit sneaky, it feels like Iam doing something behind her back, but Iam not really in a position to turn good work downa.

aStop it,a Rosa said.

He gave a little intake of breath.

He said again, aAre you sure?a aSure, surea.

aItas just,a he said, athat I owe her so much. Helping me, sheltering mea"a aShe was there when you needed hera. Rosa took her hand away and picked up her knife again. aAnd vice versaa.

Lazlo said nothing. He put a mouthful of pizza into his mouth and chewed.

Then he said, aWhy did you come this afternoon?a aOh,a she said, ato look at youa.

aYouad seen mea.

aTo look at you without any distractionsa.

aIam not very good at this,a Lazlo said, abut a" but what did you see?a She leaned back and folded her arms. Her hair was very preoccupying.

She said slowly, aEnough. I saw enough to give me couragea.

Lazlo put down his knife and fork. He had the anxious, excited sensation head had several times recently, that some outside force was going to come bowling into his life and make changes for him, the kind of changes he knew he didnat have much capacity for making on his own.

Rosa said, leaning back, watching him, aYouare moving outa.

Lazlo nodded.

He said, aI must. Thereas no room. I feel awful, Ben sleeping on the sofaa"a aWhere are you going?a Lazlo looked at his plate.

aIave started looking for a flat. Just a small one. The money will be better in televisiona"a aIall come with you,a Rosa said. He felt his face flame up. aCome with me!a aYesa.

He said clumsily, aI a" I donat know youa"a Rosa unfolded her arms and leaned forward. She put her elbows on the table and propped her chin on her hands.

aYes, you doa.

aBut Ia"a aLazlo,a Rosa said, ayou know me. Youare just so much in the habit of thinking of yourself as an outsider that you donat believe you know anyonea.

He raised his eyes very slowly and looked at her.

aYou are suggesting we live together?a aYesa. aButa"a aLive together,a Rosa said, aas in live together. Not sleep togethera. She paused and then she said lightly, aNecessarilya.

aI wasnat expecting this,a Lazlo said. aI couldnat even have imagined this. You are offering to share a flat with me?a aYesa. aWhy?a Rosa said seriously, aBecause I must move out and on too. Because I need the motivation to get a better job. Because I canat afford to live on my own yet. Because I donat want to live with another girl whoas a sort of duplicate of me. Because I like youa.

He felt his skin scorch again.

aDo you?a aYes,a she said.

aI donat quite know what Ia"a aDonat bother,a Rosa said. aDonat try and say anything. Or feel it, for that matter. Just think about what Iave saida. She looked at his plate. aThat pizza will be revolting colda.

Russell was half turned away from Edie in bed, half asleep, when she clutched him.

aRussella"a Her fingers were digging into his shoulder, into his upper arm. His mind came dragging back from the soft dark place it was falling into.

aEdie? Edie, what is it?a He twisted himself back towards her and she shoved her face against him.