She looked straight at Rosa. aChecking your bookings?a Rosa smiled broadly. aJust checkinga.

Chapter Eight.

aNews on flat???a Lauraas email said. aNeed update!a Then, aWe are thinking of a Smeg fridge. Would pink be idiotic and would I get tired of it?a Ruth sighed. The notion of a huge pink fridge even existing, let alone being a preoccupation, was at this moment so irrelevant as to be fantastical. And upsetting. Ruth wasnat sure she had ever felt this sad. There was, really, no other word for this leaden suffering, this sensation that her heart, as a muscle, actually hurt. Every time she thought about Matthew, which she did constantly, she was invaded by an aching distress, which she could recognise, even while it was happening, as one of the most real emotions she had ever felt.

But, at the same time, she was certain she couldnat slow her life to accommodate his. When he had uttered the word apitifula she had discovered that, even if she energetically listed and acknowledged all his qualities, she would always know a" because he would always know a" that in a vital area of achievement and contribution he could not at the moment begin to match her. He was afraid of being pitied or made allowance for, and he was right. He knew what he could bear, and what he couldnat, and a" which made her throat constrict with love for him a" he had more resolve in that department than she did. And not only resolve, but dignity. He had, in a way, taken quiet charge of their last meeting in the empty flat. He had told her that, even if she withdrew from buying it, the dynamic of their relationship had changed in a way that could not be changed back again. She had clutched at straws and he had not joined in. When she thought of the way he had behaved, she wasnat at all sure she could stand missing him so much.

Her offer on the flat had been accepted. She had arranged a mortgage through the bank used by her company. What was extremely strange was that all the time she was involved in these transactions she had felt she was right in proceeding with them, and also she had not sensed any diminishment in her excitement over the flat. How could it be that one could feel such heartache and such hope at the same time? How was it that something could feel so right and so wrong simultaneously? And how could one ever know, in these shapeless days of moral codes being so much a matter of personal choice, if one was behaving in the way that one ought to be behaving? She put the heels of her hands up against her temples and closed her eyes. What, anyway, did aoughta mean any more?

She clicked on aReplya to Lauraas message.

aForget fridge,a she wrote, aI need advice. No, I donat. I need comfort. I thought if I showed Matthew the flat a" and it is stunning a" it would somehow persuade him that we could work it out together in a place like that. But he was wiser than me. He saw what I didnat want to see, and heas gone. Laura, heas gone. And I am devastated. But I am still thrilled about the flat. Laura, am I a freak?a aLike the blazer,a Matthew said, nodding at the sunburst buttons.

aIt would be kinder not to mention ita. aI canat not mention ita.

aYes, you can,a Rosa said. aUnless you want to make even more of a point about contrasting my life with yoursa.

There was a tiny pause and then Matthew said, indicating the menu, aWhat dayou want to eat?a aAre you paying?a aYesa.

Well, Iall have the courgette-and-broad-bean thing with a grilled chicken breasta.

aPleasea.

Rosa smiled at him.

aPleasea.

Matthew turned and gestured for a waiter. Rosa said, aAnd possibly a glass of Sauvignon?a Matthew glanced at her.

aAll righta.

aMatt, one glassa"a He turned back.

aI donat begrudge you a glass, Rose. You can have a bottle if you want. It isnat thata.

aWhat isnat what?a A waiter appeared, in a long black apron, holding a pad. He smiled at Rosa. She held up her menu, so that he could see, pointing at what she wanted. Then she looked up at him and smiled back.

aIall have the kedgeree,a Matthew said, aand a salad. And one glass of house Sauvignona.

aArenat you having any?a aNoa.

aWhy not?a aBecause,a Matthew said, aI really donat feel like ita. aWhy not?a Rosa said again. aTummy? Head?a Matthew picked up the menus and handed them to the waiter.

aHeart,a he said shortly. Rosa sat up. aWhatas happened?a Matthew picked up a basket of bread and offered it to his sister.

She ignored it.

aMatt. Whatas happened?a aWell,a Matthew said, putting the bread down and leaning his arms on the table, aRuth and I are a" overa.

aOh noa.

aYesa.

aNot you twoa"a aYesa.

aSame outlook, same interests, same ambitiona"a aNoa.

aHas she met someone else?a aNoa.

aWell, from the look of you, you havenata.

aNoa.

aMatta"a aIall tell you,a Matthew said, aif youall just shut up a minutea.

The waiter put a glass of wine down in front of Rosa. She said, aI canat believe it, I canat graspa"a aNor can Ia.

aThis flata"a aThatas it really,a Matthew said, athe flat. The bottom line is that she can afford it and I canat. And she should be on the property ladder. Itas the right decision for her, Iave told her so. But I canat join hera.

Rosa said slowly, aI thought you were earning a shed of moneya.

Matthew made a face.

aHalf what Ruth earnsa.

aHalf?a aYesa.

aHeavens, I always thoughta"a aI know. I didnat stop anyone thinking that. But the truth is, itas been a struggle to keep up and lately a" well, lately I havenat been keeping up. And I certainly canat begin on fancy flat buyinga.

Rosaas gaze moved, item by item, over as much of her brother as she could see above the table.

He said, aSay stupid if you want toa.

aI donat want to. And Iam hardly in a position to say anything anywaya. She paused and took a mouthful of wine and then she said, aPoor youa.

He shrugged.

aWhat a" what if she doesnat buy the flat?a aToo late,a Matthew said. aYou mean too late, sheas bought it?a He shook his head.

aNo, too late to retrieve where we were. The flat was just the catalyst. It made us face the disparitya. aDid she throw you out?a aNo!a he said angrily. aSorrya"a aI threw myselfa.

aOh Matt,a Rosa said, aI wish Iad done thata. He said sadly, aItas awful, whatever you doa. She leaned forward. aDo you still love her?a The waiter appeared again, holding their plates of food. Matthew leaned back.

He waited until the kedgeree was in front of him and then he said, aOf course I do. You donat just switch that off in an instant. You should know thata.

Rosa looked at her plate.

She said hesitantly, aI meant, do you still love her enough to try again?a Matthew sighed.

aNot under present circumstancesa.

aBut Ruth will just go on being successful. Wonat she?a aYes. And she ought toa.

aWhat, put work before relationships?a aWell,a Matthew said, putting his fork into the rice and taking it out again, ayouave got to put something first, havenat you? Not everything can take prioritya.

Rosa waited a moment. She cut a strip off her chicken.

aMatt, what about you? Couldnat you have compromised?a Matthew sighed.

aApparently nota.

aA cheaper flata"a aBen said that. But I couldnat afford even a cheaper flat. And she was a" kind of stuck on this one. Elateda.

Rosa stopped cutting chicken and looked soberly across the table at her brother.

aMatt, what about you?a He said, not looking up, aIave still got a joba.

aDo you like it?a aI donat mind it. In fact, I do quite like it. But it feels different now, if there isnat going to be Ruth. It was just one part of life and now itas got to be almost all of it. So a" well, it doesnat feel like it used to. I canat quite remember what itas fora.

aDayou think,a Rosa said, athat having Mum and Dad still together makes us feel we ought to be in a relationship?a Matthew took a tiny mouthful.

aI donat think thatas got anything to do with ita.

aHave you told them?a aItas only just happened,a Matthew said. aBen knows, thatas alla.

aBefore me?a aHe just rang me,a Matthew said patiently. aHe just happened to be arounda.

Rosa picked her wine glass up. aWhere are you sleeping?a aOn the sofaa.

aRuth in the bedroom, you on the sofaa"a aYupa.

aYou canat do thata"a aNo. Not for longa.

Rosa said, as if an idea was slowly dawning, aMaybe, if you got a flat, we could sharea. Matthew put his fork down. aSorry, Rosea.

aWhat?a He looked at her.

aI just feel a" a bit demoralised, I suppose. As if everything has come to a halt, as if I canat decide anything for a while. I never thought Iad say this, I mean, I left about seven years ago, for Godas sake, but I think I might go home. Just for a whilea.

aI wonder,a Freddie Cass said to Edie at the end of rehearsal, aif I could ask you somethinga.

Edie was putting on her jacket.

aOf coursea.

Freddie put out an arm to hold a shoulder of the jacket. aItas Reginaa.

aAha.

Regina was being played by the defiant girl called Cheryl Smith who chain-smoked and stamped about rehearsals in slouched pirate boots.

aSheas good,a Freddie said. aShe knows what sheas doing. But Lazloas frightened of hera.

Edie shrugged her jacket round her neck.

aSheas in-your-face sort of sexya"a aExactly. Thatas what I wanted. Especially for Act Three. But thereas no chemistry between the two of them because sheas contemptuous and heas scareda.

Edie said, aWell, youare the directora"a aWell, indeed I ama. He smiled at Edie. He smiled so seldom, showing long, greyish teeth, that she was startled. aBut you could do something for mea.

aI said of coursea"a aYouare mothering Lazlo so excellentlya.

aDonat ask me to mother Cheryla"a aOh no. Just have her to suppera.

Edie looked across the room. Cheryl, her legs arranged in their distinct danceras pose, was smoking and talking to Ivor.

aShead never comea.

aOh, I think soa. aWith a" with Lazlo?a aThat was my ideaa.

aShead certainly never come if he camea. Freddie switched his smile off. Edie felt a sense of relief.

aShead come,a Freddie said, aif you told her your husbandas an agenta.

Edie said indignantly, aLook, sorry, but this is your job!a He leaned forward and gripped her arm.

aIn a production like this, dear, itas our job. Iall buy the winea.

Later, on the bus going home, Edie found herself having to work hard at staying indignant. Freddie should never have asked her to help him out and she should never have agreed, but once they had both done so there was little point in nursing outrage. In any case, the energy outrage would have consumed seemed to want to be channelled into thinking about having Lazlo and Cheryl to supper and how their presence in the kitchen a" both in their twenties, both in a precarious profession a" might serve as a useful bait for tempting Rosa to come back, just for the evening, just for supper. And once Rosa was there, it might be possible a" or, at any rate, less impossible a" to discover why she had chosen to seek help from her friends and her aunt rather than her mother.

Edie looked at the script in the bag on her knee. That afternoon, she and Lazlo had made a first attempt at their final, terrible scene. She had flung out her hands and cried Mrs Alvingas words, aBut I gave you your life!a and Lazlo had looked back at her and said, as if he hardly knew her, aI never asked you for lifea. She had burst into tears. Mrs Alvingas wail of aHelp! Help!a had been no trouble at all. Freddie Cass had strolled over and looked into her face with his removed, observant grey gaze.

aNice,a head said.

Vivien had emptied all the cupboards and drawers in her spare room, for Rosa. The drawers, Rosa noted with awe, were lined with sprigged paper and the hangers were solid and purposeful, not simply a motley collection left over from chain stores and dry-cleanersa. There were also two sizes of towel, a new cake of soap and a copy of Glamour magazine. It was kind, Rosa thought, bundling her sweaters on to the sprigged paper, it was really very kind, but in the context of complicated family loyalties it was also making a point, a point Rosa was going to have to ignore if she was to live with her aunt in any kind of equity. It would be perfectly acceptable to thank Vivien for making her so welcome, but it wouldnat be acceptable at all to applaud her for it. Applause would imply that a comparison with Edie had been made in which Vivien was the victor. Rosa sighed.

aHow could you,a Edie had demanded over the telephone, aturn to friends rather than to me? I am your mother!a aThatas why,a Rosa had wanted to say. Instead shead said, lamely, despising herself, aSorrya. aAnd now Viviena"a aSorrya.

aRose,a Edie said, aRose. I just want to know why?a aThey didnat ask me anythinga.

aWhat?a aThey didnat keep on at me. Kate and Vivien. They didnat keep asking questionsa.

Theread been a long pause and then Edie had said, with much diminished energy, aOh,a and then, after another pause, aGoodbye, darling,a in a voice of such pathos that for five minutes afterwards Rosa wrestled with the urge to ring Vivien and say that after all, for family reasons, she couldnat come and live in her spare room. It was enough to make anyone sigh; it was enough, as shead said to Kate, to make anyone wonder if the obligations attendant upon having family support made that support actually hardly worth the candle.