They would go on holiday, and Holly would ask him if he wanted to go for a walk, and his answer was always no. Last summer they went to Key West, and Marcus sulked the entire time because Little Palm Island was fully booked, and they ended up staying at the Ocean Cottages, which Marcus thought was beneath him. He complained bitterly to the front desk manager about their room and was upgraded to a suite, which he still thought was horrendous. It ruined their trip.

He walked up Duval Street with her, hurrying her along each time she wanted to stop at a bar where live music was pouring out and scores of people milled around looking as if they were having fun. All except Holly and Marcus.

She peered longingly into those bars. 'Can't we just sit at the bar and have a beer?' she pleaded, but Marcus sniffed disdainfully. 'The music's much too loud, Holly. You think you'd enjoy it but, trust me, you'd be asking to leave in two minutes.'

He didn't want to go on the tour of Hemingway's house. Nor did he want to explore the hidden gardens, or the beautiful old houses tucked away. So she went on her own while he stayed in the hotel and worked on the computer.

And now, strolling across the field, Holly thinks about how different they are. How different they have always been. And she wonders why she never admitted it to herself sooner.

'We have to talk,' Marcus says eventually, his voice still strained. Gruff and tough. The Marcus she has always known.

'Okay,' Holly says slowly. She doesn't want to be the one to talk. She wants to listen first, to hear what he has to say.

Marcus takes a deep breath. 'I didn't mean what I said on the phone,' he says quickly. 'I thought I meant it at the time, but I...' He tails off, then looks over at her for a second, showing his distress. 'I never thought you would still go.'

Holly knows this. Knows that Marcus was employing the same bullying tactics he always has, fully expecting Holly to back down the way she always has. This time, though, for the first time, it didn't work.

There is a long silence as Marcus waits for Holly to respond. She doesn't. She doesn't yet know what to say.

'Holly,' he says again, and this time he places a hand on her arm to stop her, to force her to look up at him. 'I love you,' he says pleadingly. 'I don't understand what's happening to us. I don't understand why you came here when you knew how important it was to me that you didn't.'

I know, thinks Holly. I have always known how important it is that I obey you.

'But that doesn't matter now,' Marcus says. 'I've forgiven you. And I want you to come home now. I want us to be together again.'

'You don't get it, do you, Marcus?' Holly is incredulous. 'This isn't about me coming down here or disobeying you. This is what I was trying to tell you that night we went for dinner.'

'What night we went for dinner?' Marcus genuinely doesn't remember. He doesn't know what she is talking about. For this is what he always does with things he doesn't want to hear. If you rewrite history enough times, it's as if it never happened. If you can pretend for long enough, eventually history will be rewritten.

'When I told you how unhappy I am!' Holly whirls on him. 'When I said I didn't feel that I had a marriage, or a partnership. I told you I never see you any more and that I'm not happy. That I can't carry on like this.'

'How can you say that?' Marcus says, and she thinks he has finally heard. 'How can you seriously say that? We have an amazing marriage. I love you, Holly. I mean I really really love you. I love you more than I love anyone, and we have two beautiful children and a wonderful life together. I don't understand. It just doesn't make sense to me, how you can even think of throwing all this away.' love you. I love you more than I love anyone, and we have two beautiful children and a wonderful life together. I don't understand. It just doesn't make sense to me, how you can even think of throwing all this away.'

'I know it doesn't make sense to you,' Holly says. 'It doesn't make sense to you because you never listen. You refuse to hear anything you don't want to hear. I'm tired, Marcus. I'm tired of trying to explain to you why I'm not happy in this marriage and why I need some space. I just' fear dwindles her voice away to almost nothing'I just don't think I can do it any more,' she whispers.

And Marcus starts to cry.

Holly stands awkwardly, watching him. She has seen him cry only a few times before, and she doesn't know quite what to do. It would feel wrong to reach out to him, to try to comfort him when she is the cause of this pain, yet it feels more wrong and more awkward to stand here doing nothing.

She reaches up and puts her arms around him. He buries his head in her shoulder, sobbing, and she strokes his back, feeling his pain, suddenly realizing how hard this is going to be. How hard to see someone in so much pain and to be the one who has caused it, knowing that you're not able to do anything about it, not if you are to be able to live your life and be happy.

Not if you are to be true to yourself.

Marcus has let go. His defences are well and truly down. So rarely has Holly seen this side of Marcus, seen him vulnerable, and when she has done, in the past, those were the times she tried to convince herself that everything would be fine.

Marcus, so caught up in being a big shot, being important, needing to be seen as someone who is worthy of respect, is suddenly, alone in this field as the sun goes down, a little boy.

No more arrogance and pretence, just a scared little boy, terrified of the future, of his life being turned upside down, of not being the one in control.

And even as Holly attempts to comfort him somewhat with her hug, she knows there is no going back. If, at points during the last few days, even for a split second, she has ever thought of staying married to Marcus for the sake of the children, perhaps until they go to college, as she stands here with him right now, she knows she cannot.

She feels the strangest mix of emotions: sorrow, grief, relief. She feels Marcus's pain almost as if it were her own, and despite seeing the real Marcus, seeing the frightened little boy, she means what she said.

She is done.

'Please think about it,' Marcus sobs, pulling away to look her in the eye. 'Please come back. I miss you. I miss us us. We have so much to look forward to, you'd be throwing away so much.' He stops, unable to go on, and takes a few deep breaths before continuing. 'I'm a divorce lawyer,' he tries again, a different tack. 'I see what this does to children and I see what it does to families. Our children don't deserve this. I I don't deserve this. Whatever the problems are in our marriage, none of them is insurmountable. I can be home more, maybe work from home on Fridays. We can do marriage guidance counselling. I mean it, Holly. I'll do whatever you ask me to do. I'll do whatever it takes.' don't deserve this. Whatever the problems are in our marriage, none of them is insurmountable. I can be home more, maybe work from home on Fridays. We can do marriage guidance counselling. I mean it, Holly. I'll do whatever you ask me to do. I'll do whatever it takes.'

'Okay,' Holly whispers, nodding, not knowing what else to say, hating causing him so much pain, hating that she knows she will only cause him more. 'I need to think about it.' Not true, but she is buying time, knowing she can only hurt him so much at a time.

'I've booked a room,' Marcus says. 'I'm staying in a hotel, if that's okay with you. Can I take you all out tomorrow morning? With the kids? Is that okay?'

Holly shakes her head. 'I... can't, Marcus. I just can't. Not yet. But if you want to come and take the kids out, that's fine. They'd love it. They've missed you.'

He gulps and swallows hard. 'Okay,' he says. 'I'll come and get the children early. Maybe I could take them out for supper tonight, though? Would that be okay?'

'Sure.'

'There's a film on in town as well, Night at the Museum Night at the Museum. I know they'd love it, but it's a bit late. Would it be okay if I brought them back around nine?'

A film. Holly doesn't remember Marcus ever taking them to a film before. She doesn't remember him spending any time with them unless she was present. Other fathers took their kids on the weekend, let the mothers have a lie-in, have a rest. Not Marcus. Marcus has never done anything with just the kids.

But she can't dwell on that. Thank heavens he's thinking of doing something now.

'That sounds lovely,' she says. 'Hopefully they'll sleep in, in the morning, and Daisy can always have a nap tomorrow if she needs it. They need to spend time with you. Thank you.'

Holly turns her head, gesturing back towards the house, and Marcus falls into step beside her as they cross the field, the sun now streaking the sky with pink and orange.

'Where are you staying?' Holly asks, not because she wants to know but because she's struggling to make small talk.

'Le Manoir.' He grins and, in a flash, his humility disappears. 'It's fantastic!' he enthuses, back on familiar territory once more. 'I've got the Lavande suite, which you'd love.'

In her mind's eye, Holly rolls her eyes. Here at last is the Marcus she has known. As he describes Le Manoir the food, the service, the expense and luxury of it all Holly knows that, without question, she is doing the right thing.

Poor Marcus. Perhaps if he had booked into the local B&B in the village, or an old inn on the outskirts of Gloucester, it might have been a different story. Unlikely, but possible. Perhaps if he had shown Holly that he wasn't obsessed with needing to live the high life, she might have been able to glimpse a way forward.

But the minute he starts to describe Le Manoir is the minute Holly switches off for good. He may think she would love it because she has always accompanied him to the Four Seasons, the Peninsulas, the best hotels in the world, but Holly couldn't care less. It just isn't what she's about, and she's finally realizing that their worlds are so different, there isn't a way to meet in the middle.

There never was.

'Fuck!' Holly screams when Marcus has pulled out of the driveway, the kids bouncing happily in their car seats in the back of the car, thrilled to be with their daddy.

The others come running.

'Fuck!' she shouts again, stamping her feet, getting the frustration out. 'Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!'

'I take it the children are gone?' Paul asks wryly as Holly stamps around for a few seconds until she is calm again and able to take a deep breath.

'Why are you so angry?' Anna's voice is filled with sympathy. 'Was he awful to you?'

'No.' Holly shakes her head and starts to laugh. 'It's so stupid. I don't even know why I'm angry. Because he's an arse. Because I was just starting to feel sorry for him, for how much pain he is in, when he started banging on about Le Manoir and how fucking fantastic it is, and in that moment I just knew that he's never going to change. He's such a pompous fucking arse, I can't stand him.' She takes a sharp intake of breath and looks around the room. 'Shit,' she whispers. 'I can't believe I just said that.'

'So tell us how you really feel?' Saffron grins.

'Oh God,' Holly groans. 'It's true. I just looked at him today and realized I can't stand him.'

'I wouldn't think that's a great way to feel about your husband,' Olivia says. 'Not that I would know, admittedly, but I'm sure it's not good.'

'You didn't feel even a little bit of love?' Anna asks.

'Nothing?' Holly shakes her head. 'What about in the beginning? You must have done then.'

'I didn't,' Holly says sadly. 'I mean, a sort of love, perhaps. He is, after all, the father of my children, but not a love you're supposed to feel, not the kind of love you have with Paul.'

'So you're not going back, then?' Will has, until this point, been quiet, not wanting to get too involved.

'No.' Holly raises her eyes to meet Will's. 'I'm not going back. I just can't face telling him that yet.'

Chapter Twenty-eight.

The thrill and excitement of commune living is beginning to pall somewhat. No arguments, not yet, but Olivia is starting to miss her flat, miss her animals, and is wondering exactly how long she will have to stay here. Saffron seems... fine. Not as fragile as she had expected, certainly not fragile enough to need to be surrounded by five people looking after her.

Saffron always was strong, Olivia realizes. Stronger, perhaps, than all of them. They ought to have changed so very much, she thinks, since school. Ought, as they approach forty, to feel grown-up, surely, but Olivia certainly doesn't. She doesn't feel much different at all. Just older, more tired, and, with this pregnancy, sicker.

Holly feels feels different, which is not to say she is. Holly always thinks that if she were to pass people from her class on the street, they would not recognize her. She is surely better-looking now, her hair sleeker, her cheekbones more pronounced. But in fact Holly, like all of them, has barely changed. Look just slightly below the surface and they are all exactly the same. different, which is not to say she is. Holly always thinks that if she were to pass people from her class on the street, they would not recognize her. She is surely better-looking now, her hair sleeker, her cheekbones more pronounced. But in fact Holly, like all of them, has barely changed. Look just slightly below the surface and they are all exactly the same.

In so many ways, Holly is slowly coming back to herself. In just a few days, she has stopped acting like Marcus's wife, is rediscovering who she is.

But it's a Holly she doesn't quite remember, a Holly she has to get used to. And this Holly has a different life to the one she has lived these past fourteen years. She no longer has a home to go back to, no longer has the safety and familiarity of her old life.

This stay in the country is like a time out, a break from her real life, a holiday that she doesn't want to end, because whatever the changes going on in her life, she is trying to stay focused on the present and not think about the future.

She lost herself for a while this evening. The kids had just left with Marcus, Will was finishing off the kitchen cupboards, and Paul and Anna, Olivia and Saffron were reading the papers in front of the fire. Holly poured herself a vodka and went to sit outside.

It was cold. Too cold really to be outside, but she kept her hat and gloves on, and snuggled down in one of the beaten-up wooden chairs that Anna found in a junk shop on their last trip up here.

At first everything was pitch-black. As her eyes adjusted, she started to see the outline of the trees. The noises of the country seemed so loud, yet so calming. For a while she was just... being. Listening to the noises, no thoughts at all.

After a few minutes, as the vodka warmed her up and her body started relaxing, her mind started wandering. She thought back to a girl she had done the NCT childbirth classes with when she was pregnant with Oliver. Her name was Julia. They had become friends through their shared experiences, not a friendship that would otherwise have happened but one born of having children within a week of each other, of being neighbours and in a similar plight. Not that Holly admitted it at the time.

Julia had married Dave, she said, because she thought that no one else would marry her. She had married him, she said, because he seemed to be everything she ought to be looking for in a husband. He had a good job, was kind, treated her like a princess, and he loved her.

'So are you happy?' Holly remembers asking her, trying not to compare her own marriage, trying not to go to a place from which there was no return.

Julia had shrugged. 'I'm... fine,' she'd said. 'And now there's Felix.' She had jiggled her baby on her knee and covered his chubby cheeks with adoring kisses. 'We're a family. It is what it is. I think,' and she had looked up at that point and met Holly's eyes, 'I think there are many different kinds of marriages. I think there are some people who are lucky enough to find a soulmate, to find the person with whom they are destined to be, but I think those people are few and far between. I think most of us just make a choice and get on with it. Do I love Dave? Sure. Could I be happier with someone else?' She had shrugged. 'Probably. But this is my choice, and it's enough.'

Enough. Holly had shivered when she heard this, knowing that she felt the same way but refusing to dwell on it. Refusing to consider that while it may have been enough for Julia, it may not be enough for Holly.

Last year she bumped into Julia at the book shop. It was one of those dull, drizzly London afternoons. Daisy was at a playdate and Oliver was bored, Holly more so. He couldn't amuse himself at home, none of his friends were around. Holly felt too guilty about planting him in front of the television for a further two hours.

She stuck him in the car and went to the local Waterstone's. Admittedly he was a little old for the Thomas the Tank Engine train set, but she promised him a hot chocolate in the cafe, and he settled himself in a corner with a Star Wars Star Wars book as she went up to join the queue of mothers who had all had the same idea. book as she went up to join the queue of mothers who had all had the same idea.

'Holly?' It was Julia. They exchanged a hug, both of them genuinely delighted to see one another.

'How are are you?' Holly pulled back, looking at her. 'You look you?' Holly pulled back, looking at her. 'You look great great!' And it was true. Julia did look great. Holly had only known her pregnant and then for the three years or so after the birth, when Julia didn't seem able to lose her pregnancy weight, always what Holly would describe as 'a big girl'.

Yet now she was skinny. Like a gazelle. Tall and graceful, there was nothing of her. And her whole face had changed was it Holly's imagination or was she... glowing?

'I am am great.' Julia beamed. 'Have you time to sit down? Can we have a coffee together?' great.' Julia beamed. 'Have you time to sit down? Can we have a coffee together?'

'So what's your secret?' Holly insisted, stunned by the change.

'I'm getting divorced,' Julia said, and Holly's mouth fell open.

'What? How? Why?'

'Oh God.' Julia rolled her eyes. 'I was so unhappy. I've been so unhappy for such a long time. Don't get me wrong, Dave isn't a bad guy, he's just entirely wrong for me, and we never should have got married.' She shrugged, used to telling her story, used to sitting opposite women like Holly who quizzed her for the answers to their own unhappiness.

'I knew, walking down the aisle, that I was making a terrible mistake,' she said, 'but I didn't know how to stop it, I just let myself get pulled along, caught up in the momentum and excitement of planning a wedding, and I thought I'd make it work. I knew things were missing but I thought it would be enough.'

Holly had so many questions she wanted to ask. And so many questions she didn't. Questions that she already knew the answers to because she had been there herself, was just trying for a different outcome.

'But the divorce... isn't it awful? Everyone says going through a divorce is ghastly, and yet here you are looking amazing and seeming so... happy.'

'I am happy.' Julia laughed. 'Everyone says they're so sorry I'm getting divorced and I always tell them not to be. And then, of course, there are the people who tell me I haven't got a right to feel this happy, that I need to give myself time to grieve for my marriage, that I won't get out of this scot-free, that something will come back to bite me.'

'And will it?'

'I doubt it. Frankly I did my grieving for my marriage while I was in it. Since the moment I left him, I've felt nothing but relief. Sure, there are moments when I am down, when I wonder how I'm going to do it, but I've been liberated. I feel like I've discovered myself, I'm being true to myself again.'

She looked at Holly intently, and Holly shivered.

'How are you?' Julia then asked gently. 'How is Marcus?'

And Holly raised her eyes to meet Julia's and shook her head. 'I can't,' she whispered, 'I can't go there, Julia. Not yet. I'm not ready. Let's talk about something else. Tell me about Felix, he must be enormous now, how's school?'

She hasn't seen Julia since then, she realizes. They left, saying they would get the boys together, would get together themselves, and Julia phoned, but Holly wasn't able to return her call. She was too scared to see her.

For this, she realizes, is why you lose friends when you get a divorce. Not because, as she had always assumed, you are suddenly a threat, a glamorous divorcee who may steal all your friends' husbands, but because in getting divorced you force people to question their own marriages. And we never know what goes on behind closed doors. We may assume that our friends' marriages are strong and sacred, but when people listen to the reasons why you left and how you knew it was wrong, they realize that their own marriages aren't so strong. And if it can happen to you, then certainly it can happen to them too.

It is so much easier to bury our heads in the sand, to pretend that everything is fine. Even when things are crumbling all around us.

What about grief? Holly thinks, swishing the vodka gently in her glass as she shivers, the cold starting to seep in through her winter coat. Will she she grieve? She doesn't think so, is sure she will feel the same as Julia, that she has done enough grieving during her marriage. As for loneliness, she couldn't possibly feel any lonelier than she has felt the last few years. grieve? She doesn't think so, is sure she will feel the same as Julia, that she has done enough grieving during her marriage. As for loneliness, she couldn't possibly feel any lonelier than she has felt the last few years.