She did, and left the message with Tillie. Nick was busy talking to the police, but there was nothing new. Tillie was beside herself, but Kate felt strangely calm. She knew Tygue was all right. He had to be.

And she left a note for Philip Wells in an envelope at the desk. "Sorry to do this to you, but an emergency has come up and I have to go back to S.F. Will send you that copy of the new book when it comes out. And I'm awfully sorry about the dramatics today. Bad luck. Take care, and thank you. All the best, Kate." It was a perfectly innocuous note.

CHAPTER 33.

Nick was waiting at the gate when she arrived, staring tensely at the faces drifting by. And then he saw her, and pulled her tightly into a vast hug. She clung to him for a moment and then sought his face.

"Did they find him?"

He shook his head. "No, but we will. I want to hit that road to Carmel. I don't think they realize how intent he is about that."

"Did you tell them?" He knew what she meant, and he shook his head.

"I didn't think I had to. We'll find him."

"What if we don't?"

"Then we call out the FBI or whoever we have to. We'll find him." They picked up her bag, and walked quickly to the car, saying little. But it felt good just to be near him again. To have his arm around her, to be home. She sighed deeply as she got in the car. "You okay, babe?" He looked at her nervously, and she smiled.

"Sure." And then he stopped with the keys in his hand and he reached out for her very gently and held her close.

"I'm sorry I've been such an a.s.shole. I just love you two so d.a.m.n much."

"Oh Nick." She was crying again. It seemed to be all she had done all day. But there was just too much happening. "I've been so crazy. And you're right, that star trip is c.r.a.p. It just went to my head for a while. The money, the excitement, it's such a G.o.dd.a.m.n ego trip."

"There are nice sides to it, sweetheart. You don't have to throw the whole thing away."

"Right now I want to."

"That's stupid. If it weren't for all that, we'd never have met." He released her gently and started the car as she sat back comfortably on the leather seat. Even the car smelled familiar, like home, and it was full of their things. Tennis rackets, the Sunday paper they had shared only four days before. It was so good to be back. With him anyway. Now they had to find Tygue. She talked to him about her father on the trip south. "I don't know how you managed not to slap the sonofab.i.t.c.h."

"I didn't want to."

"Didn't he at least say he was sorry?"

"Not really. He tried to explain it. He thought it would be 'awkward' if he got in touch with me when everything was happening with Tom. I don't know, love, it's a whole other world. He lives in New York now."

"Good. I'd kill the motherf.u.c.ker if we ever ran into him."

There was a long silence then as they careened down the freeway. And then suddenly Nick had a thought. "You know, maybe we should take the coast road. That might just be it."

Kate lit another cigarette and then handed one to him. It felt as though they had been driving forever, and it had been only an hour. Eight hours before, she'd been having lunch in New York. It was only six o'clock as they hurtled down the old coast road. There was no sight of him yet. And then suddenly, Kate pulled at Nick's sleeve.

"Over there ... back up, Nick.... I saw a flash of yellow jacket." It was already almost dark, but she could have sworn it looked like Tygue's jacket. Nick moved over onto the shoulder of the road and shot into reverse.

"Here?"

"Over there, near those trees." She unlocked the door and jumped out. She ran quickly over the twigs and leaves toward the clump of trees where she had thought she'd seen the jacket. And there he was. Standing there. Watching her. Not sure of what she'd do. He seemed to shrink backward for a moment, and then he just stood there and sagged. She went to him very slowly and pulled him into her arms. She didn't say anything to him. She didn't have to. He was crying softly in her arms as she stroked his hair. She was thanking G.o.d that she had come back from New York and Nick had thought to take that road. Anything could have happened. The force of it came cras.h.i.+ng in on her again. She hadn't let herself think of it in the hours on the plane. But there had been a sense of mounting panic as they drove along. Now it was over.

She heard Nick walk up behind them, and he put his arms around them both and spoke softly to Tygue. "Hi, Tiger. You okay?" The boy nodded and looked up at Nick.

"I wanted to go to Carmel. And n.o.body's stopped for me for hours." Poor little thing. He was tired and cold, and probably hungry. When he looked up at his mother, the defiance was gone, but the pain was still there. "I have to see him. I have to. He's my father."

"I know, love." She ran a hand across his hair again, and nodded. But there was no smile in his eyes. "I'll take you to see him." Nick looked surprised but said nothing. "We'll go tomorrow." The boy nodded too. There were no shouts of joy, no glee, no excitement. They were simply doing something they had to do. Like Kate shaking hands with her father before she left New York. Sometimes just knowing wasn't enough.

"What do you want to do, Kate? Do you want to go back to the city or spend the night in Carmel?"

"Don't you have to do the show?"

He shook his head. "Called in sick again."

"Jesus. Won't Jasper get p.i.s.sed? You want to try and get back?" He shook his head. He'd deal with all that when he went back to his office. This mattered more.

"No, but I think we ought to call the police. They're going to be revving up their engines now that it's dark. It's only fair to let them know." She nodded and looked at Tygue.

"Okay. Let's stay in Carmel."

And there was no way of avoiding it. Nick pulled up in front of the hotel where she had stayed with Tom. But she just didn't care anymore. There were no landmarks, no shrines. It was too late for that. Much, much too late. Tygue was asleep in her arms, and she looked at Nick. She wanted to tell him how much she loved him, but she didn't know how. He just watched her, and finally smiled. But there was worry in his eyes too.

"You're really going to take him?"

She nodded. She had to. For everyone's sake.

"Do you want me to come?"

"I'd like you to be there. But I don't think he should see you. It'll confuse him, scare him. Tygue will be enough."

"I wish you didn't have to go through that."

"It'll be okay."

He kissed her then, and came around the car for Tygue. He carried him inside the hotel, and the boy didn't wake up again. They notified the police that they had found him. And Nick quietly made an appointment with the lieutenant for the following Monday. He wanted to make sure that Kate wouldn't be ha.s.sled with social workers and investigations. This was a family matter, but dragging the police into it twice on a statewide alert was going to cause some embarra.s.sment. He wanted to handle it before it got out of hand.

"What did they say?" Kate looked nervous as she sipped a cup of tea in their room. She had just checked on Tygue again. He was still asleep. He would be all night. He was too tired even to eat. He had come a long way in a short time. Hadn't they all. She stifled a yawn.

"They said everything was fine. Don't worry about it. And you should get some sleep."

"I'm fine."

"You look it." She was a pale grayish green, and there was no makeup left except smudged mascara beneath her eyes. He sat down next to her on the bed and held her close. "G.o.d, I'm glad you're back, Kate. I've been worried sick about you."

"I thought you hated me when I left."

"I did." He smiled down at her. "But I did some thinking. What we have is too special to throw away."

Jesus, and she almost had thrown it away, with that jerk in New York. It was horrifying to realize that she might have been in bed with him at that very moment if she hadn't had to come home. In a way, Tygue's flight for Carmel had been a blessing. She closed her eyes as she lay in Nick's arms. Only for a moment. She just wanted to lie there and feel him next to her. Her eyes closed and when she opened them again, it was morning.

She looked around, stunned, as the sun poured into the room. "Nick?" He laughed at her from the other side of the bed. He was already drinking a cup of coffee. "What happened?"

"You pa.s.sed out, Cinderella. Zap. Gone."

"That must have been fun." She grinned at him and stretched. He had taken off her clothes.

"Yeah, best it's ever been." They exchanged a playful smile, and she reached out for his coffee.

"Where'd you get that?"

"Your son and I had breakfast, my love."

"When?"

"About an hour ago."

"Jesus, what time is it?"

"Almost nine o'clock." She nodded, and then they both sobered. They knew what lay ahead.

"How's Tygue?"

"Okay. Quiet. He was hungry as h.e.l.l." She bent over to kiss Nick quickly and then went into the other room to see Tygue. He was sitting quietly near the window with his bear. She walked over to him softly and sat down.

"Hi, love. How's Willie?"

"He's okay. He was kind of hungry this morning though."

"He was, eh?" She smiled and pulled Tygue dose. He felt so soft and warm in her arms. It reminded her of all the years when they'd had only each other. "Are you ready for today?" He knew what she meant. He only nodded, holding tightly to Willie. "It won't be much fun. In fact"-she made him look at her-"it may be the hardest thing you ever did. He's not like a daddy, Tygue."

"I know." Tygue's eyes were even larger than hers.

"He's kind of like a little boy. But a sick little boy. He can't walk. He's in a wheelchair, and he doesn't remember things." She was almost sorry that she hadn't brought him earlier, when Tom had looked bronzed and healthy. Now he always looked so tired and unhappy. It would be harder for Tygue. "And I want you to know ..." She hesitated, fighting back the tears. "I want you to know now ... that before he got like this, he loved you very much. Before you were born." She took a deep breath and held her son tight. "And I want you to know that I love you too, with all my heart, and ... and if it's too hard you don't have to stay. Is that a promise? You'll tell me if you want to go?"

Tygue nodded, and gently wiped the tears from her face as she fought back more. All she could do then was hold him.

"Is Nick coming too?"

She pulled back to look at him. "Do you want him to?"

Tygue nodded. "Can he?"

"He can't see T ... Daddy, but he can be there."

"Okay." And with an imploring look, he turned his face up to hers. "Can we go now?"

"In a little bit. I'll have some coffee and get dressed." He nodded, and sat where he was.

"I'll wait here."

"I'll hurry."

Nick looked up when she walked back into the room. This was going to be another brutal day. But maybe this would be the last one. He hoped so. "Is he all right?"

"Yes. He wants you there." And then she looked at him again, with those big, bottomless green eyes that he had loved from the first. "So do I."

"I'll be there."

"You always are."

"That's a nice thing to say." He handed her a cup of coffee and a piece of toast, but she couldn't eat. Even the coffee made her feel sick. There was a knot in her stomach the weight of a coconut. All she could think of was Tygue. And his father.

CHAPTER 34.

Nick drove up the driveway and pulled into the spot she pointed out to him behind the main house.

"Should I wait here?" He looked as nervous as she felt, and Tygue was sitting silently on her lap, watching everything.

"You can come closer to the cottage. There are other people around. You won't stick out." He nodded, and they all got out of the car. She took Tygue's hand, and smoothed his hair. He was still carrying Willie. Kate had called ahead to warn Mr. Erhard. He said Tom was in good form. At least there was that.

The silent trio followed the pathway, and then Kate pointed to a little white wrought-iron bench. "Why don't you wait there, love? You can see the cottage from here." She pointed again, and he looked. This was how she had spent all those years. He still had to fight back tears when he thought of it.

He looked down at the boy then, and gently touched his cheek. "You're okay, Tiger." Tygue nodded, and Kate took his hand and walked on. Mr. Erhard was waiting in the doorway, and he looked down at Tygue with a warm smile. Kate had already forgotten Nick. She was in Tom's world now. And she was holding tightly to Tygue's hand. She wanted him to know how much they had loved him, how much they had loved each other. She wanted him to see something of Tom that was no longer there to see. But above all, she wanted Tygue to survive it. She put an arm around his shoulders and forced a smile.

"Tygue, this is Mr. Erhard. He takes care of your daddy. He has for a very long time."

"Hi, Tygue. That's a beautiful bear. What's his name?"

"Willie." Tygue's eyes looked enormous. And Mr. Erhard's eyes sought Kate's.

"We have a Willie too. Would you like to see him?" Tygue nodded, trying to look past him into the cottage, and then Mr. Erhard stepped aside, and Kate walked slowly inside. Tom was staying in the cottage today, despite the good weather, and when she saw him she realized how much time he must have been spending inside lately. He looked ghostly and pale, and seemed to have lost twenty pounds in the past two weeks. But there was a warm light in his eyes today, and he smiled a smile she hadn't seen in years as he caught sight of Tygue. Kate had to clench her teeth so as not to cry. It was Tom who spoke first.

"You have a Willie too! So do I!" He instantly held up his bear and Tygue smiled. "Let me see yours." He very gently held out a big hand and Tygue let him have Willie, and for a few minutes they compared bears, while Tygue stole glances at his father. They decided that Tygue's was in better shape. "Want some cookies?" He had saved some from the night before, and produced a plate for Tygue, as Kate and Mr. Erhard hovered. The two "boys" ate cookies, and Tygue crept quietly into the rocking chair as they talked. "What's your name?"

"Tygue."