Kate had made it home in just under five hours, and without a single speeding ticket. That in itself was a miracle. Ninety-five. Ninety-eight. But she wanted to see Tygue before he went to bed. She wanted to tell him about San Francisco. About taking him up there. About cable cars and the bridge. She had brought him chocolate from Ghirardelli Square, and she would tell him about that too. She had so much to tell him. Just the thought of it made her jumpy as she turned into the gravel drive. She had worn the red skirt and bright print blouse to come home in. Maybe Licia was right. Maybe it would do him good to see her looking pretty. She wanted to share the newness with him. The excitement.

The house looked cheerful and well lit as she pulled the car slowly into the parking s.p.a.ce. There were no calls of h.e.l.lo, no barking, but she knew they were all cozily tucked inside. She unlocked the door with her key, and there he was, at the kitchen table, doing a puzzle with Tillie. He was wearing soft blue flannel pajamas and the little yellow robe Licia had sent G.o.d knew when. He looked cozy, and comfortable, and warm, and all hers. She stood there for a moment, watching him, while Tillie smiled at her, and Tygue stayed intent on his puzzle.

"Hi, guys." Silence. Tillie raised her eyebrows but said nothing. She knew what Kate wanted to hear, and it had nothing to do with her. But it didn't come. No "Hi, Mom." Only Bert sleepily wagging his tail at her feet. "Hey, tough guy. Aren't you going to say h.e.l.lo?" She walked quickly over to him and folded him into a hug, but he ignored her.

"Yeah. Hi." And then Kate's eyes found Tillie's. So that was it. He was p.i.s.sed. Kate slowly sat down in one of the kitchen chairs and watched him. He still hadn't looked at her. And Tillie got up and went to find her things. One thing about Kate, she always came back when she said she would. No fooling around. She had said she'd be home Monday night and she was. Tillie liked that about her. She also knew that Kate was going to have some serious fence mending to do. Tygue hadn't been himself since she had left. "Overnight, Tillie! She went overnight!" The boy had been shocked.

"Where'd you get the new puzzle?"

"Tillie. We bought it today."

"That's nice. Aunt Licia sends you her love." Silence again. Jesus. It was going to be a long thawing out, at this rate. She almost wondered if it was worth it. But as she thought back over the last twenty-four hours, she knew it was. He was just going to have to understand. "Hey, guess what." She snuggled up to him and tried to kiss his neck, but he made himself stiff and hard to reach. "I have a surprise for you."

"Yeah?" It was the least curiosity he had ever shown about a surprise. "What is it?"

"A trip." He looked at her with horror. But she went on. "How would you like to come up to San Francisco with me sometime, to see Aunt Licia?" She waited for the intake of breath, the widened eyes, but it didn't happen that way. Instead he shrank from her and his eyes filled with tears.

"I won't go! I won't!" He ran away from the table, and a moment later she heard the door to his room slam shut. Tillie watched her as she slipped into her coat, and Kate let out a long tired breath.

"I knew he'd be mad at me for going, but I didn't expect this."

"He'll get over it. It's a big adjustment for him." Tillie sounded sorry for them both, but it irritated Kate.

"A big adjustment that I leave him for one night?" h.e.l.l, she had a right to that much, didn't she? Well, didn't she, dammit? She knew she did. He was only a kid. He couldn't expect all her time. But he had always had it before. That was the b.i.t.c.h of it.

"How often have you left him overnight before, Kate?" Tillie already knew the answer to that of course.

"Never."

"Then that's a big change for him. He'll get used to it, if you plan to go on doing it. I think he senses a change. Maybe he's confused by it."

"Oh d.a.m.n, Tillie. So am I. I made a very big deal on one of my books last week. It means a lot of nice things for us, but it also means some things I don't understand yet. I've kind of been experimenting with how I feel about it all."

"He doesn't understand that. He feels it, but he doesn't understand. All he knows is what he's always known. He hasn't gone very far from here, you know. And now you're off for the night, and you're telling him that you're taking him to San Francisco. You and I know it's exciting. He just thinks it's scary. And to tell you the truth, it would scare a lot of older folks from around here."

"I know. It scared me for a lot of years too." For whatever the reasons. "I guess I'm expecting too much of him."

"He'll come around. Give him time. You know"-she looked at Kate apologetically-"probably even seeing you dressed like that scares him a little. Maybe it tells him he's losing you, or that you're changing. You never know with kids. They think the craziest d.a.m.n things. When my husband died, my youngest son thought that meant we'd put him up for adoption. Don't ask me why, but he thought we were sending him away too. He cried for three weeks until he finally came out and said it. Maybe Tygue is afraid you'll leave him, all dressed up like that. You look awfully nice though."

"Thanks, Tillie."

"Take it easy. Oh, and are you going up to teach tomorrow?"

"I think I'd better wait a couple of days before I tackle that."

"Nice that they can be that flexible."

"Yeah." Oh Christ. Tillie. Don't challenge me on that too. Please. But she didn't. She just waved and quietly shut the door.

Kate suddenly felt alone in the house. Only Bert made his presence known, wanting to play with the s.h.i.+ny gold chain on her new shoes.

"Not for eighty-six bucks you don't Bert, m'boy." She swatted him away with her hand, and noticed how empty the house sounded with only her voice in it. She sat very still for a moment, and then stood up and slipped off the skirt. She unzipped the valise she had taken to the city with her, and fished out the jeans and red s.h.i.+rt as she tossed the new skirt and blouse over the back of a chair. "So long for now." She carefully put the shoes in the suitcase, or Bert would have eaten them for dinner. And then, on stockinged feet, she walked softly toward Tygue's room and knocked. "Can I come in?" There was a silence and then finally his voice.

"Yeah." He was sitting in the dark, and the bright moon of his little face looked tiny in the dark room. "Don't you want a light on?"

"Nope."

"Okay. Have you got Willie?"

"Yeah."

"I'll bet that feels good."

"What?" His voice was so little and wary.

"I'll bet having Willie feels good. You know you've got him. He's all yours forever."

"Yeah." The voice was softer now in the dark, as she lay across his bed and tried to watch what she could see of his face.

"Do you know you've got me, just like you've got Willie? Only more so. Forever and ever. Do you know that?"

"Sort of."

"What do you mean, 'sort of'? It wasn't an accusation. It was a question.

"I mean, sort of."

"Okay. What happens if you tie a red ribbon on Willie? Does it make him different?"

"Yeah. It makes him look silly."

"But do you love him less?" Vehement shaking of the head as he held the bear closer. "Okay, so no matter how funny-looking I may seem to you, or what I wear, I'm still old Mom, right?" A nod. "And I love you just the same no matter what I'm doing, or what I look like, or where I am."

"Willie doesn't leave me."

"Neither do I. I never leave you either. Sometimes I may go away. But I don't leave you, darling. And I never will. Not ever."

"But you go-ed away." The voice was trembling and full now.

"Only for one night, and I came back. Just like I said I would. Didn't I?" Reluctantly, he nodded.

"Why did you do it?"

"Because I needed to. Because I wanted to. Sometimes grown-ups need to go places, without kids."

"You never needed to before."

"No. But I did this time."

"Did that man send you away?" She knew instantly who he meant.

"Stu Weinberg?" He nodded. "Of course not. I sent myself away. And was it really that bad, for just one night?" He shrugged noncommittally and then suddenly he was crying and holding out his arms. She was stunned.

"I missed you! And I thought you didn't love me anymore!"

"Oh darling, oh baby ... how could you think a thing like that? I love you so much. And I missed you too. But ... I just ... I had to. But I'll always, always, always come back. And next time I go, you'll go with me." She wanted to promise him that she wouldn't do it again. But she knew that she would. How could she give that up, now that she'd just found it again?

He cried for almost half an hour, and then slowly it stopped. And he looked up at her with the tiniest smile.

"If I squeezed my s.h.i.+rt, we could give Willie a bath just with your tears. Did you know that?"

He chuckled hoa.r.s.ely and she gave him a kiss as she smoothed the blond hair falling over his forehead. "Can I interest you in some chocolate?"

"Now?"

"Sure." She had bought a huge bar of it wrapped in gold. It was the size of a hardcover book. And she had also brought him a box of chocolate lollipops and a chocolate pistol. Better than Easter or Halloween. When he saw the gold foil-wrapped chocolate gun, his jaw dropped and his eyes grew as he held out his hands.

"Wow!"

"Not bad, huh, hotshot?"

"Wow, Mom, it's terrific!"

"So are you." She pulled him back onto her lap as he gobbled the chocolate from the large bar. But he was saving the pistol to show his friends in school.

"What if somebody breaks it?"

"Then we'll buy some more when we go up to San Francisco together." Something deep inside trembled for a moment, but he looked at her with a big grin and a look of greedy glee.

"Yeah. That must be some place."

"It is." She held him close that evening for a very long time.

CHAPTER 14.

"Okay, now close your eyes, sweetheart." Tygue sat very still in the seat next to her, with his eyes closed. She had recognized the last bend in the road before the skyline would come into view. She wondered what he would think of it. He had never seen anything like it. She took the bend smoothly, and smiled to herself at the zigzag of buildings that lay ahead. "Okay. You can open your eyes now." He was very quiet as he did. He took it all in, but said nothing. Kate was surprised. "Well? What do you think?"

"What is it?"

"San Francisco, silly. Those are all the big buildings downtown." Tygue had never seen anything taller than four stories. It was amazing to realize that. At his age she had already been to New York, and gone to the top of the Empire State Building.

"I thought it had hills." He sounded disappointed. And a little scared.

"It does. You can't see them from here."

"Oh."

She didn't know what to say to him, as he sat there looking straight ahead. He wanted to go home. And she wanted him to love San Francisco. She and Felicia had planned everything. They would be there for a week. A whole week! Fisherman's Wharf, Sausalito, cable cars, the beach, the zoo, a ferry ride, bike riding on Angel Island, they had thought of everything. Felicia had even gotten the location schedules of the local TV shows, so he could watch them filming chase scenes on the hills. Inevitably, there was one scheduled on Divisadero.

"Want to see the crookedest street in the world?"

"Sure." He held Willie tightly on his lap and Kate was about to snap at him. He was in San Francisco. It was exciting. It was the first trip he had ever taken. Why wasn't he happy? Why didn't he feel what she did? And then she felt mean for what she was thinking, and she turned right off Franklin Street, so that she could pull over. "This is it? Aunt Licia's house?" He looked up at the ramshackle hotel with unconcealed horror, and Kate laughed. It had been a long drive, and she realized suddenly how tense she had been about what he was feeling.

"No. And I love you, you silly kid. C'mere and give me a hug."

His little freckled face melted into a smile and he reached out to her. She wound up hugging both her son and his bear. Tillie was keeping Bert for them until they got back. "Tygue Harper, I promise you that you're going to have a good time here. Okay? Will you trust me a little?" He nodded as she looked down at him and kissed the top of his head.

"It's so big." There was real awe in his voice. "And so ..." He looked around the dreary neighborhood she had temporarily parked in and the disappointment was clear on his face.

"Yeah, it's big. Bigger than we're used to now. But you know E Street, in town?" He nodded somberly. E Street was horrible. Way past the old railroad tracks, near the dump. There were drunks and old deserted cars there. It smelled bad, and it was the kind of place you never wanted to go to. He knew E Street. Everybody did. He looked up at his mother with big eyes. "Well, where we are right now is just like E Street. But there are beautiful places here. And we're going to see all of them. Okay? Deal?" She held out a hand with a smile and he took it in a hard businesslike little shake. "Ready to roll?"

"Ready to roll!" He sat looking ahead, but he was holding Willie less ferociously now, and Kate smiled to herself as she started the car again.

"Hungry?" She knew they weren't far from the Hippo on Van Ness, but he shook his head. "Ice cream?" The head turned, and there was a smile in his eyes. A small nod. "Then ice cream it is." That was perfect. She'd stop at Swensen's on Hyde Street on the way to Licia's. Licia was waiting for them at the apartment. And she was as anxious as Kate.

Kate parked the car outside Swensen's on Union and Hyde, and as they got out and stretched, two cable cars came clanking down Hyde. "Look!" Tygue jumped up and down waving his bear. "Look, Mom! It's a ... a ..." He could hardly stand it, and his mother grinned. Everything would be all right after all. And the ice cream was terrific. A double scoop of rocky road and banana, sugar cone, and chocolate dip. Tygue was already wearing most of it on his nose and chin when they left the store, and another cable car came down the hill. She could hardly get him back in the car.

"We'll go for a ride later." But first, she had another idea. Two of them. The steepest hill. The crookedest street. They were near both.

The steepest hill did not impress him, but he loved the crookedest street as they inched their way down the narrow, winding brick road banked with flowers and bordered with pastel-hued Victorian houses. Tygue loved it so much he almost forgot the ice cream dripping on his bear. He happily licked a gob of chocolate off Willie's ear.

"Tygue, yerghk!"

"Uh uh, yummy!" He was happy again. "What's that?" He settled back in his seat and pointed ahead to Coit Tower on Telegraph Hill.

"That's a memorial to the fire department. It's called Coit Tower, and it's right near Aunt Licia."

"Can we go see it?"

"Sure. But first let's see what Aunt Licia has planned."

"This is fun."

And so was the rest of the trip. They did everything. Hippo dinners, picnics at Stinson Beach, the wax museum, Fisherman's Wharf, ten or fifteen rides on the cable car, the aquarium, the planetarium, Chinatown, and the j.a.panese Garden in the park. It was sheer heaven, and by the following Sat.u.r.day, Tygue knew San Francis...o...b..tter than most children who had lived there for years.

"Well, champ? What do you think? Gonna ditch your Mom and come live with me here?" They were all sprawled out on Felicia's impeccable, white, living-room rug eating popcorn. For the first time all week, they had been too tired to go out. Felicia had agreed to order pizza. It had been totally Tygue's week, and both women were exhausted. They smiled at each other over his head.

"You know, Aunt Licia." Tygue was looking thoughtfully out at the Bay Bridge just beyond the terrace. "When I grow up, I might come up here and work on the cable car."