"More or less."

Kate opened the package, and inside, on a blue velvet lining in a red satin box, was a gold watch with a watch chain. It was like a man's, except that the watch was in the shape of a heart, and as Kate turned it over, she saw that on the back was inscribed "For courage, for valor, with love." Kate held the watch tightly clasped in one hand and threw her arms around Licia in a tight, crus.h.i.+ng hug. And Licia hugged back. It was a hug Kate had longed for so badly, from someone who would tell her that everything was all right.

"What can I say?" The tears trickled down her face.

"Just say you'll be a good kid and give yourself a chance. That's all I want for you." For a minute, Kate almost wanted to tell her about the shopping spree in Carmel. But she couldn't. Not yet.

"I'll try. h.e.l.l, with a watch like that, I almost feel like I have to. Licia, I'd be lost without you."

"No, you wouldn't. You'd relax, and n.o.body would bug you anymore. It would be heavenly."

"Horses.h.i.+t."

They both grinned at each other and talked about the book and the contracts and the store. For Kate the romance of success was just beginning. They finished the bottle of champagne just after 4 A.M., sleepily said good night, and went to their beds.

It was a cozy wonderful weekend. Kate wore the new watch pinned to her favorite tee-s.h.i.+rt the next day. They had a picnic, and then took Tygue to the Adams ranch, where all three of them took out horses and rode over the hills. On Sunday, Licia slept late, while Kate took Tygue to church, and they had a leisurely lunch on the gra.s.s after they got back. It was five o'clock before Licia even started to think of leaving. She was lying on the warm gra.s.s, looking up at the sky, holding Tygue's hand, and trying to fend off Bert.

"You know, once in a while, Kate, I can understand why you love it here."

"Mmhm." Kate's mind had been a thousand miles away, but she smiled at her friend.

"It's so G.o.dd.a.m.ned peaceful."

Kate laughed at the look on her face. "Is that a complaint or a compliment?"

"Right now a compliment. I really hate to go back. And it'll probably be several months before I can come down again." Kate was looking straight at her as she said it, and there was a strange look in Kate's eyes. "Something wrong?" Felicia had never seen that look before.

"Just thinking."

"What about?"

"Some stuff I've got in the car."

"So?" She wasn't making any sense.

"What are you doing tomorrow, Licia?"

"Oh Jesus. Don't ask. I've got three meetings before lunch, we're coordinating all the fall shows, and the whole winter look."

"And then?"

"What do you mean 'and then'?" Kate was making her nervous. What the h.e.l.l was she getting at? "Are you busy for lunch?"

"No. Why? Can I do something for you?"

"Yeah." Kate was grinning now. She just sat there and laughed at Felicia. To h.e.l.l with it. "As a matter of fact, Miss Norman, there is something you can do for me."

"What?"

"Take me to lunch."

"But I have to go back, you dummy." Felicia sat up now too. And she was smiling, but confused. It was just a silly Sunday.

"I know you have to go back. I'll go with you."

"To San Francisco?" Felicia was grinning broadly now too, with a look of astonishment on her face as Kate nodded.

"Yeah. What the h.e.l.l."

Felicia threw her arms around her friend and the two women exchanged a ferocious hug of joy, as Tygue watched wide-eyed, with a look of dismay.

"Who'll stay with me?"

Kate looked over at him in surprise, and drew him into the hug, "Tillie, sweetheart. And maybe one of these days I'll take you to San Francisco too."

"Oh." But he didn't look impressed, and in a moment Kate left him with Licia. She had things to do. Tillie to call ... things to get out of the car and pack ... things to do. San Francisco. It had been six and a half years.

"Hallelujah!" She could hear Felicia shouting as she walked into the house with a wide grin and her arms full of the clothes she'd bought in Carmel. Kate was going to town.

CHAPTER 11.

They had driven along in silence for almost an hour, after the initial excitement and bursts of conversation. They were already more than halfway there, and Kate had just noticed her turnoff in Carmel. Felicia had noticed it too.

"Kate?"

"Hm?"

It was dark in the car, but Felicia could see her profile as she glanced over. She looked no different than she had six and a half years before when Felicia had driven her down to her "retreat." If she had known then how long Kate would hide there, she would never have agreed to find her the house.

"What's bugging you, Licia?" Kate turned to her with a quiet smile.

"What made you change your mind?"

"I don't know that I have, on the whole. I just ... oh d.a.m.n. I don't know, Licia. Maybe this crazy thing with the book has thrown me off. I was so d.a.m.n happy with my life down there, in the hills. The kid, the dog, all of it."

"Bulls.h.i.+t."

Kate glanced over at her sharply. "You don't believe me?"

"No. I think you've been bored for a long time. You wouldn't admit it to me, but I think you knew it. You can't bury yourself alive like that. You have a whole fantasy life in your books, but that's not real and you know it. You're young, Kate. You need people, places to go, trips, men, clothes, success. All of it. You gave up too soon. Tom had his big time. He lived, it, he enjoyed it while it lasted. I think that if he ... if he were still the same, it would kill him to see you locked up like some old woman. You're not Tillie for chrissake. Anyway, you've heard all that from me before. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make a speech."

Kate was still smiling in the darkness. "I'd think you didn't love me anymore if you stopped doing that. Anyway, in answer to your question, maybe you're right. Maybe I did know I was bored. Bored isn't really the right word, though. I like my life. I just ...all of a sudden I just got hungry for more. I wanted to see people. Real people. Friday, when I went to see Tom, it was kind of a lousy day and I left early. And for no reason at all, I just got the itchies and drove into Carmel."

"You did?" Kate nodded with guilty pleasure. "You little wretch. You didn't say a thing. What did you do?"

"Spent a fortune." Kate's cackle made Felicia grin.

"On what? I'm dying to know."

"Ridiculous stuff. Clothes. Nothing I need. Jesus, I don't even know where I'll wear them. Or rather, I didn't know where I'd wear them till tonight. Maybe that's why I decided to come up to the city with you. To wear my new clothes." She was only half teasing. She still wasn't entirely sure herself why she'd come. Except that there was this new little demon in her that was beginning to shout "Go! Move! Live! Dream! Spend! Be!" And then she had a sobering thought. "Do you think it's an awful thing to do to Tygue?" Her eyes loomed large in the darkness as Felicia glanced over at her.

"What, go away for a couple of days? Don't be ridiculous. Most parents do it all the time. It'll do him good."

"Maybe I should have taken more time to prepare him."

"You'd just have backed out." Kate nodded silent agreement and lit a cigarette.

It seemed only moments later when Felicia looked over at her with a smile. "Are you ready?"

"For what?" Kate looked vague and then suddenly she realized what Felicia meant. She had been so engrossed in her own thoughts that she had missed the first landmarks. They were nearing it now.

They were already past the airport. Yes. She was ready. Another two miles, and the freeway rounded the last obscure bend and there it was. Kate sat in silence, smiling slowly, as tears filled her eyes. It was home. No matter how long she stayed away. It was home. The skyline was a little taller, a little more jagged, but in essence it was the same. San Francisco was a city that never changed that much. It always kept the integral part of its personality intact. And its beauty. The TransAmerica spire pointed sharply into the air from downtown. And suddenly Kate allowed herself to think of places she had blotted from her mind for years. The tree-lined streets of Pacific Heights, the little Victorian houses, the yacht club on a summer's night, the Marina on a Sunday morning, the majesty of the Presidio, the sweep of the Golden Gate Bridge, and all the tiny hiding places she had shared with Tom. Just seeing the skyline, as Felicia raced toward the city, brought back a thousand memories she had long since put away in musty old trunks. Now she held them in her hands and they smelled faintly of old familiar perfume. She rolled down the window and let the night air whip her face.

"It's chilly. The fog must be in." Felicia smiled at her and said nothing. Kate really didn't want to talk. She wanted to watch and listen and feel. They were already on the off ramp into the city.

They were on Franklin Street heading north toward the Bay. As the car crested the hills, you could see the lights twinkling on the other side of the Bay. Even the traffic looked sophisticated. Jaguars and Mercedes and Porsches hobn.o.bbing with vans and VWs and an occasional motorcycle zooming by. Everything seemed to be moving very quickly, and everything looked bright and alive. It was ten o'clock on a Sunday night.

Felicia turned right on California Street, and a block later they found themselves following a cable car up the hill as Kate started to laugh.

"Oh G.o.d, Licia, I'd forgotten. I love this town. It's all so pretty." Felicia wanted to stand up and shout. Victory! She was back. Maybe she'd even come back for good.

Felicia swooped carefully around the cable car at the top of n.o.b Hill, and Kate fell silent again as she took in the sober splendors of the cathedral, the Pacific Union Club, the Fairmont and the Mark, and then they were speeding down the other side of the hill into the financial district, with the Ferry Building straight ahead. And Kate was laughing again.

"Okay, Licia. Confess. You did this on purpose, didn't you?"

"What?"

"The guided tour. You know what I mean, you b.i.t.c.h."

"Me?"

"You. But I love it. Don't stop."

"Anything else you want to see?"

"I don't know." So many feelings were being awakened at once that she couldn't decide what she wanted to see next.

"Are you hungry?"

"Sort of."

"Want to stop for something to eat at Vanessi's?"

"Like this?" Kate looked down in horror at the blue jeans, red s.h.i.+rt, and fading espadrilles.

"On a Sunday, who notices? And it's late."

"I don't know, Licia." She looked nervous again, and Felicia waved a hand as she sped up Kearny toward where it met Broadway. And then suddenly they were catapulted into the uproarious vulgarity of Broadway. "Teen Age Co-ed Wrestlers Topless Here," and the usual promises delivered by barkers-"Virgins, all virgins"-side by side with Finocchio's and its female impersonators. In the midst of the madness, the traffic and the trucks coming off the Bay Bridge, Enrico's sat with artsy courage, offering one of the city's first al fresco sidewalk cafes. Somehow, with the roses on the pink marble-topped tables, the friendly noise, the colorful pa.s.sers-by, it all felt very Via Veneto, and not quite so Broadway. And to maintain the illusion, across the street, sat Vanessi's, catering to the beautiful and the nearly beautiful, the important and the soon-to-be and the never-was-but-thought-they-were. Governors and ghouls, matriarchs and madams, portly men in blue suits, women in black with great chunks of gold bracelets, and then at the next table jeans and wildly frizzy hair. It was a place to get lost in, a place to be found in. It was, simply, Vanessi's. Kate and Tom had loved it. At first they had found it too noisy for their romantic evenings alone, but after a while it had grown on them. And Tom was always left in peace there. A few autographs, a couple of handshakes, a wave, but no ha.s.sles. No kisses and grabs, Vanessi's.

"You up to it?" Felicia had come to a screeching halt in the parking lot next door. She hated to give Kate a choice, but it seemed only fair. There was a long pause as Kate looked around, and then absently, her hand went to the heart-shaped watch pinned to her s.h.i.+rt. For valor, for courage.

"Okay." She stepped out of the car, stretched her legs, and almost cringed from the noise and the bustle. But even she knew that what she now considered "bustle" was still half-dead for San Francisco.

Felicia got her stub for the car, and arm in arm they strolled toward the restaurant. "Scared?"

"Terrified."

"So are most people about ninety percent of the time. Don't forget that."

"They don't have anything to hide." It was out then. That was it. That was always it. d.a.m.n.

Felicia stopped walking and faced her, still holding her arm. "You don't have anything to hide either, Kate. You have a lot of pain in your past. But that's it. It's the past. And it's someone else's past. It's his past, not yours. You have a child, a book, a nice clean life in the country. That's all." Kate closed her eyes with a smile and took a deep breath.

"I wish that's what I felt, Licia."

"Then make it what you feel."

"Yes, sir."

"Oh shut up." The moment of seriousness had already pa.s.sed and Kate giggled as she sprinted along on her long coltlike legs.

"I'll race you!" They ran the last few steps, laughing and choking, and the headwaiter opened the door for them, and even at ten o'clock they were instantly swallowed up in the noise and bustle and avalanche of smells that was Vanessi's. Waiters shouting at the grill, people laughing in the bar, political battles being waged, romances being begun, all of it. It was fabulous. Kate just stood there and smiled. To her the noises sounded like an orchestra playing "Welcome Home."

"Table for two, Miss Norman?" Felicia nodded with a smile, and the headwaiter looked blankly at Kate. He was new there. He didn't know her. He didn't know Tom. He only knew Felicia. And Kate wasn't anyone anyway. Just a girl in jeans and a red s.h.i.+rt.

They were seated in the back, and the pinkish lighting made everyone look rosy and young. The waiter handed them menus. Kate handed hers back. "Cannelloni, house salad, zabaglione for dessert." The zabaglione was a warm runny feast of rum and egg whites.

Felicia ordered steak, salad, and a martini, as Kate looked at her watch. "Already have a date?"

"No. I was wondering if I should call Tillie."

"She's probably asleep."

Kate nodded, as a wave of guilt tried to creep into the evening, but she wouldn't let it in. She was having too good a time. And dinner was just as good as it had always been. Afterward they walked for a few minutes through the narrow colorful streets of North Beach. Hippie boutiques, artists' hangouts, coffee houses, and the smell of marijuana heavy in the air. Nothing had changed there either. After a few blocks they wandered back to Felicia's car. It was just midnight, and Kate was beginning to yawn.

"Just call me Cinderella."

"You can sleep late tomorrow. "

"What time do you leave for work?"