"Yeah, Giuliani." I know Giuliani. I can picture his face, his large figure, the night he tied me up when he caught me and the boys interfering with a transfer with the Cartel.

"Right. You remember..."

"She's his daughter."

"Yeah and..."

"And they're the f.u.c.kin' Mafia, bro."

Garrett kicks the dirt and walks back toward his cruiser. "I ain't bringin' all this s.h.i.t up. This is so f.u.c.ked how much you've forgotten, brother, and I ain't gettin' into trouble talking with you about it. You seem to have forgotten all the trauma of your life and that's messed up. You want to be reminded of the details, see Mac. If you break it off with Mia, you're f.u.c.king all of us over. You're on thin ice, bro. Get it together."

I forcefully take his arm and tug him back. I can out-muscle him if it comes to it. "In no world do I want to f.u.c.k you guys over, you know that! But cut me some f.u.c.kin' slack here. Ya'll gotta fill me in again on what I'm dealing with here." He fights it a while. "Tell me the gravity of it. What we're up against."

Garrett's rubs his lips together, considering the collateral that'll come with him opening his mouth. This man would die for me and me him. I see his face make the decision to choose me over the club.

"This is you repaying your debts to the Dragon's."

"Debts?"

"Oh for f.u.c.ks sake. The club was there for you, and it was there for Lucy. We've had your back numerous times when you needed us even when you were a prospect. You go back on your word with Mac and you're already six-foot-deep. Look bro, this whole f.u.c.king Mia situation is your bright idea and we all agreed it was the best decision. You marry the mob princess and we end the turf war. Everybody wins and we all make money on the deal."

"But I don't want this..."

"You never f.u.c.king wanted this. That's why she chose you. Mia is one coldhearted, manipulative b.i.t.c.h. She's out here f.u.c.king half the Dragons, Mac included. She's the biggest club wh.o.r.e we've ever had... But you're the one she wants. You're the one she couldn't have and you wouldn't let her have you so Mac played into her hand. Daddy issues man, the girl has daddy issues."

"Tell me why I owe a f.u.c.king debt."

"I've already said too much." He looks to his boots then back at me. "Whatever you do just keep yourself safe, brother, and keep Mac happy. He's not gonna let you throw Mia away when she's sucking the chrome off his d.i.c.k every night. You want anymore f.u.c.king answers, you're barking up the wrong tree."

"Maybe I am. I'm going to talk to Lucy right now."

"You can't. Stop this. You made the attempt to find Lucy and you f.u.c.ked it up by bringing her back. It's a bad f.u.c.king idea. Forget she ever existed. That shouldn't be too hard for you."

"So, I do know her. I know this Lucy like Mac said?"

"My lips are sealed, bro."

"f.u.c.k you, Garrett," I reply, turning to walk away. "f.u.c.k you and this whole f.u.c.king club."

"I hope you can forgive me, brother."

I don't have a chance to ask what he means. A fist crashes into the side of my face and everything goes sideways...

24.

The motel has become my next temporary prison. My agoraphobia has followed me from my studio to the twin room of the motel. I'm terrified when the cleaning lady knocks on the door, terrified when random numbers try ringing the cell phone the club gave me, terrified when people slam their car doors outside...

I had let him go. I'd dreamt about saying goodbye on good terms. I'd dreamt about telling Landon how I'm not sad anymore, just numb, and that it's okay that he's not in my life anymore. Six years, every day as painful as the last and he comes back? This tug-of-war, playing with hearts that have been hurt too many times...

"I want all of this, all of you..." His deep, comforting words still ring in my ears more than he'll probably know.

I'd settled for my Plan B- My life with Todd, living in my house of cards in Baddock I'd been building piece by piece, lie by lie.

When my old friend, Anxiety, peeks its wicked face back into my life this morning, I muster the strength to ignore it. I take deep breaths and try regain some control of my situation. Landon didn't come home last night. I'm too scared to turn on my burner phone in case he's sent a text saying words I don't want to hear. My heart is resigning from this for now.

I wait, though. I've given myself permission to say a proper last goodbye to Landon. Our timing will never be right and our history will always be messy. These are facts that I am coming to terms with.

I hear the low rumble of a motorcycle.

He's here!

The bike is left running as footsteps approach the door. I can tell we're leaving in a hurry... I slip on my boots and throw open the door but the man who steps through is the last person I was hoping to see.

Mac.

He gives me a wicked, yellowed grin. "h.e.l.lo, again."

"What do you want? You wanna drag me back to the club again, huh? Torture me some more. Would that get you off?"

"I thought maybe I'd gotten through to you, little Palermo. Landon's getting married and you're not going to f.u.c.k this up. Landon had his little chance to escape the club then made the idiot move of bringing you back here."

"I'm leaving, Mac. I just want to say goodbye to him face to face... I thought maybe he'd come see me before I left..."

"You think he gives a s.h.i.t about you anymore? He got what he wanted from you...A nice f.u.c.k, some company for a few days." The words are piercing. "He told me himself he's done with you. You're his past. Now it's time to go. A lot is on the line here, girl. Mia is his d.a.m.n future and I need you gone and out of his head before you do any more damage."

"I just want to say goodbye."

"The longer you stay, the more he might remember. It took the kid years to get over the s.h.i.t that went down with you, Palermo. Years to find the b.a.l.l.s to man up and forget you. It's better if some things stay buried."

I choke. "What are you talking about?"

"Still putting on that little f.u.c.king charade, I see. I ain't here to play games, girl." Mac walks by me into the room and sits on the sofa, kicking his dusty shoes up onto the coffee table. "The night I killed your daddy, Lucy. Don't play dumb with me. The night you two called it splits."

My head goes faint.

"What's the matter little Palermo? Landon didn't tell you what really happened that night, did he?"

"I... I don't..."

"You don't know s.h.i.t, little Palermo. You don't know the full story of what that man did to your f.u.c.king mother. You don't know me and her had history once, beyond the bulls.h.i.t you and Landon thought you suffered through. You don't know how good it felt when I drove that knife into his f.u.c.king heart."

"You... You killed him?"

"I did what needed to be done. You should be thanking me."

"I need to see Landon again..." I whisper. "Please, please, Mac."

"Landon owes a debt to the club because of what I did for you and for every other time we've stepped in for him. He's marrying Mia and repaying that debt and I'm not going to let some little Palermo f.u.c.k that up."

He cracks the knuckles on his left hand, grinning savagely. He reaches down and unclips the long knife strapped to his belt.

"Now I'm gonna ask you, little Palermo... Are you gonna leave easy, or are you gonna make this hard for me?"

Instead of going sad and powerless, I turn mad.

I storm over to Mac. "You won't. You say you and my mom had history, why hurt me?"

"Y'sure I wouldn't hold this to your throat and press?" He takes a step closer to me but I hold my ground and try to control my shaking. "You willing to put your life on the line?" he asks, pulling the knife from its sheathe. "I may have cared for your mother once upon a time but I couldn't give two s.h.i.ts about her sp.a.w.n."

"Cut the bulls.h.i.t, old man. Take me to Landon then I go. I only need two minutes."

Mac gets to his feet and rests his hand on my neck. I feel fear rising within me as he lifts the knife and picks his teeth with it. He studies my face and body so obviously that I recoil. "And what do I get in return?"

"My leaving in peace."

"Oh ho-ho," he guffaws. "That so? So, I'll have a riot on my hands if I don't let you see him, huh?"

"I'm not scared of you."

"Oh yes you are."

"Take me to him now."

"Well, I could do that but, y'see, by the time we reach Sal's, he ain't gonna be there. And where he is, well, let's just say a pacifist like you might not approve."

"Go f.u.c.k yourself. Where is he?"

"Alright, I'll tell you," he says with the lick of his lips. "The boys took him down to the warehouse to knock some f.u.c.king sense into him. If he don't fall into line, they're gonna patch him out the hard way. Maybe I'll take you there and let you watch if you do something for me."

He grins wickedly and I know what he's implying as he stares down at my t.i.ts. I spit on his face. He s.n.a.t.c.hes my wrist with his free hand and shoves a dusty handkerchief into my mouth. It's shocking, choking me. "You crazy b.i.t.c.h. You Palermo women really do know how to put up a fight, don't you?"

I jump, gagging on the dry cloth, screaming as loud as I can muster through the fabric and tug away from his sausage-like fingers that manhandle me tightly. Luckily, my knee breaks upward forcefully into Mac's crotch and I get a good scratch across the whites of his eye.

He buckles, the knife clattering to the floor and giving me a chance to run.

I bolt for the door and run straight towards Mac's big rumbling softtail fat boy. It had been eight years since Landon had taught me to ride but my foot kicked the lever into gear on pure muscle memory as Mac came charging out of the motel room.

I'm gone before he can get close, scattering dirt and gravel in his face as I tear out of the parking lot. Balancing such a large motorcycle is difficult. This thing rides nothing like Landon's old beat up sportster.

I know where I'm going. The old warehouse downtown has been a club meeting spot for years. They used to hold illegal cage fights there back when I was just a girl. The place was as run-down to all h.e.l.l when I last saw it. I don't know what I expect to find there but that's no mind. I need to find Landon quickly.

I just wish I knew what I'm going to say once I do...

25.

T-Bone is tossing a pair of wraps onto my lap and it feels like old times. I look around, my head aching and memories flashing in and out of existence.

The warehouse...

I know this place. This is my place... I stare down at my scarred and calloused knuckles, lifting up the wrist wrappings in my fist. Recollections of my past are flowing back like water. I'm in one of the dark locker rooms but just outside these doors is the cage. That's the cage where new prospects earned their patch... And if someone wanted out of the club, they had to go back through that cage one more time.

They had to go through me.

Enforcer.

Oh G.o.d, that was my position in the club. I hurt people.

I wish I could forget.

"Wakey, wakey," T-Bone says, throwing cold water on my face. "Time to look alive. I don't wanna throw you in the cage with your d.a.m.n eyes closed."

I look up at T-Bone and give him a little nod. None of this is his fault. He's just doing his job. Impartial. Cold.

"You're lucky Mac is letting you do this," T-Bone says, leaning back against a wall. "Most people tear their patch off and end up in the ground."

Lucky?

Lucky to be alive?

Lucky to be here?

Lucky to step into that ring and risk permanent brain injury for a patch the old Landon clearly didn't want?

I've never felt such hopelessness. My mood is in a constant state of aggression. I want to fight the world, fight everyone around me who're meant to be my friends, my only family in this world. I want to run again, crash my Harley right back into that small town. Here, where I sit, these last few days- They're nothing I want. I don't want to get better. I don't want to keep remembering all this s.h.i.t I'd left behind me. I don't want this life. I don't want Mac breathing down my f.u.c.king neck. I don't want to fight. I don't want to bleed for this club. They don't understand how lost I am. I've f.u.c.ked up in the past- My consequences are proving that. But when is life going to cut me some slack? When do I get forgiven?

"Saw you and Mia," T-Bone says. "You sort everything out with her?"

"Would I be here if I did?" I ask, my head pounding. Garrett did a number on me back in the alley.

"Guess not. Maybe you should just give the girl a try... Mia's into some kinky s.h.i.t..."

"For f.u.c.ks sake, T, don't tell me you're f.u.c.king her too."