I've heard of athletes, dancers included, taking the stuff to get over injuries quickly. But supposedly there are all kinds of possible side effects. Serious ones.

"When people are desperate, it distorts their view of the world, of what's right and what's smart. If you're desperate enough, it will distort who you are in addition to what you see."

"I can't . . . " I shake my head, not knowing where I am even going with the sentence. I don't know a lot of things in that moment.

"Dallas, I don't want to ask this, but I know that you and Levi are close. I need you to tell me that you didn't know about this, that you weren't around him or drugs or anything else he was involved in."

"No! Dad . . . no." I want to be angry that he could even think that of me, but mostly I'm too shocked. "Levi and I are not close, Dad. We haven't been since before he graduated high school."

"I know you guys had a rough breakup, but when I started this year, he led me to believe that you two were past that. That you were friends."

I scoff, and I feel so sick that I have to stand up and walk around and just breathe.

"We are not friends. I can count on one hand the number of times we've spoken in the last few years. Dad . . . I hate him. I don't know any other way to put it . . . " Angry tears swim in my eyes, and panic paints Dad's face. "There are things you don't know . . . that I never want you to know. But suffice it to say, I hate him."

I can tell Dad wants to ask despite my a.s.surances. His knuckles turn white as he grips the desk, and I can see the confusion and frustration battling in his eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"What? That your favorite player turned out to be an awful human being? That the guy you called son the entire time we were dating is an a.s.shole, and I wish we'd never met?"

"Dallas," Dad's voice is sharp.

"I've earned the right to call him that, Dad. Trust me. G.o.d, even now you're defending him."

"I'm not defending him." There's the stern, angry Dad I know. He's the one I know how to talk to. "Clearly, there are many aspects to his character that I didn't see, but that doesn't explain why you didn't tell me that he hurt you."

"Gee, Dad. I thought you would have picked up on that by yourself. What with all the crying and general misery."

"That's not fair. You kept to yourself. You never talk to me. And I was-"

"Busy, I know. Trust me, I know."

Dad looks almost hurt. For a second.

"I was going to say that I was trying to respect your s.p.a.ce. I thought if you'd wanted me to know, you would have told me."

"Well, you got that part right."

"d.a.m.n it, Dallas. I don't know what you want from me. I'm trying here."

"Too little, too late, Dad. It's been years, and honestly, it's not a conversation you really want to have. Just . . . don't accuse me of doing drugs with him or wherever this conversation was heading. I'm not giving you another reason to call me irresponsible or to tell me I'm not ready to be an adult. Because whether you like it or not, I am one." I think of just how drastically Levi has changed since the moment I first met him. He was sweet and shy and so good to me. "I've realized something . . . We don't get to know what's going to happen to us. And anything can come along and ruin our plans, change our world, change us. I've given in to you on so many things because I just keep telling myself that I have time. But I can't keep planning for a future that might never come. That's not living."

For the first time in my entire life, Dad doesn't have an immediate counterargument. He just asks, "So what are you going to do?"

I make this weird noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob because, ironically enough . . . I don't know.

Chapter 21.

Carson We don't even have a real practice, and yet by the time I head out to the parking lot, I feel more exhausted than I have in weeks.

They're worried about other team members being on drugs, both recreational and performance enhancing. So we all took a standard drug test, and it looks like they'll be bringing someone in to do blood tests for HGH, too.

I should probably stay and work out considering I've done nothing since this morning, but I just can't find the energy. Barring some other crazy happening, I'll most likely be starting on Sat.u.r.day in Levi's place. That should be motivation enough to get my a.s.s in gear, but it's just . . . not.

I wanted that starting spot, had worked hard for it. But a part of me had accepted that I would never get it, and I think that I was relieved.

I certainly never thought to get it like this.

When I get to my truck, Dallas is there waiting for me, sitting on the hood. I look around. She's not exactly being covert. Most of the team left before I did, but there are still people heading to their cars and leaving for the night.

"Hey. You didn't have to wait for me. We could have met at my place. Or I would have come to you."

She shrugs. She's wearing that leather jacket again, her hands stuffed in her pockets. Her long legs are crossed at the ankles, her feet dangling off the hood of my truck.

"I didn't really feel like going anywhere."

I step closer, running my hand from her ankle to her knee before holding it out to her. One hand appears from her jacket pocket, and she laces her fingers with mine.

"I'm not complaining. I just thought you didn't want to advertise this."

She sighs. "I don't. I was angry and feeling a bit reckless."

"You and your dad?"

She nods. "He just makes me so angry sometimes."

"Come on." I help her slide down off the hood, my hands lingering on her hips for just a second. "Let's go to my place, and you can tell me about it."

I help her into my pickup, mostly as an excuse to touch her, and then I drive over to where her car is parked at the edge of the lot, then we head to my place separately.

Once we're both inside, she sheds her jacket and shoes, and my body kicks back into normal gear, alerting me to just how hungry I am. I had barely anything at lunch, choosing Dallas over food. I'm tempted to do it again with her sitting on my couch, relaxed and perfectly at home, but one loud growl of my stomach tells me that she's not going anywhere. Food first.

I order pizza and eat a sandwich while we wait. I offer to make one for Dallas too, but she laughs. "I think I'll be fine with just the pizza, thanks."

I sit down on the couch, sandwich in hand, and say, "Okay then. Tell me what happened with your dad."

"Ugh. He's just clueless." She scoots closer and lays her head on my thigh. "He thought Levi and me were still friends or something, and wanted to know if I knew about the drugs or was involved. I don't even know. Most days, I swear it's like he doesn't even know me. You'd think he would have at least picked up on a few things since I was in diapers, but nope."

I let my sandwich-free hand drift through her hair, wrapping the deep red strands around my fingers.

"Do I still get to ask personal questions?"

She leans into my hand and says dramatically, "I suppose."

I pause for a few seconds, brushing my thumb across her temple, wondering if I really want to go there. In the end, my need to know everything I can about her wins out. "Where's your mom?"

She purses her lips, and her feet point, then flex, and point again before she answers. "I don't know. She left before I could walk. They met in college. Dad played football. She was a cheerleader. She had me their first year out. Dad's first year coaching. They weren't married. They were going to after I was born, but then she had really bad postpartum depression, so they just kept putting it off, and then one day . . . she left. She never came back. Dad never looked for her. That's all I know."

"Do you think he misses her?"

She shifts uncomfortably. "I don't know. He doesn't act like it. It's always just been about football. He'd pick us up and move us to wherever. He gets this high from fixing programs, turning them around. You'd think after he was done we could just stay and enjoy it. Enjoy the things he built, but no. It's always off to the next place."

"You don't think he's doing it on purpose?"

"What? Like he's looking for her?"

I shake my head. "Like he's fixing everything else so he doesn't have to fix himself or fix your relationship."

She stays silent for a few moments, her eyes directed at the ceiling, while she chews on her lower lip.

"Do you ever think that maybe that's all people do? Fix some things and break others? And we all just live in this giant cycle where we screw things up and hurt people we love, and then we turn around and try to atone for that by fixing others things. And maybe we're all just waiting on our turn for a broken heart and the person who will fix it."

"Are we still talking about your dad?"

She sits up, and her hair falls around her slumped shoulders. She stays silent for so long that I'm pretty sure she's done answering my questions for the night. Just when I'm about to pull her to me again, she says, "I think I break more than I fix."

Her voice is low and hollow, and it kind of echoes in my ears, until I feel sick with pain for her.

"You know what you need to do?"

"Grow up?"

I brush all her hair to one side of her neck and lean down to kiss her shoulder.

"You need to dance."

She shoots me a look over her shoulder. "This again?"

"I'm serious. It's what fixes you. I can tell by the way you talk about it."

Her answering smile is sad. "How is it that you can see that when you've known me for so little time, and he can't?"

I know she's talking about her dad.

"Sometimes it's hard to see past our own broken pieces."

I want to say that they're really not all that different. They've just found different ways to heal themselves, but I'm not sure it's the time for her to hear that. I think she might need to figure that out herself.

"Come on." I take her hand and pull her to her feet. Together, we walk over to the open s.p.a.ce in my apartment where she wrapped her arms around me in a hug not that long ago. I pull us back into that position, but this time I keep her hand in mine. It's nothing complicated, but she lays her head on my shoulder and we sway together. Someday, I'll learn how to do more, but for now I hope this is enough.

"What fixes you?" she asks.

A month ago I would have said football. I would have answered her immediately and automatically. But now, if I'm honest, and she always makes me want to be . . .

"I don't know."

THE ATMOSPHERE IN the locker room the next day is downright arctic. No one likes our chances for Sat.u.r.day, me included. And when you stick dozens of young guys in a room, most of whom prefer to deal with their feelings through aggression and physicality, too many of us are itching for a reason to break something.

This morning, Maz, a ma.s.sive offensive lineman from Alabama, put a hole in the wall in the weight room. Well, two holes technically, one with each fist. And the locker room is short two chairs-one broken by a player and the other by a coach.

I've managed, just barely, to stay above it and stay focused, and I suppose that p.i.s.ses some people off.

Carter, the defensive lineman who I already couldn't stand for talking about Dallas a few weeks ago, is the first to push me.

"Saw Firecracker sitting on your truck last night, McClain. What's that about?"

"It's about being none of your business," I answer, lacing up my cleats.

"Wasn't enough for you to take over QB from Abrams, you had to go for his sloppy seconds elsewhere, too?"

I drop the cleat I'm holding, and I slam him hard into the wood bracing between cubbies. Something splinters, and the uneven edge probably hurts like h.e.l.l, but I don't care.

"Say one more f.u.c.king word about her, and I swear to G.o.d, I'll lay you out, Carter. And once I'm done beating every ounce of s.h.i.thead out of you, I'll hand you over to Coach and see what he thinks of my work."

He snarls, "f.u.c.k you."

I'm ready to slam his head against the wood frame behind him when someone grabs me and pulls me off. Strong arms loop under my armpits, forcing my arms up.

Whoever's holding me growls, "Get that idiot outside. All of you, go."

Torres and Brookes both step toward me, but they hesitate, look at whoever has me, and then leave with the rest of the team. Only when everyone is out does the guy release me. And when I see who it is, I'm ready to go postal all over again.

Silas Moore.

He's too f.u.c.king close, and I push him back, struggling to stop myself from doing more.

"Don't you say a f.u.c.king word about her, Moore."

He holds up his hands in surrender.

"I get it. I'm not exactly at the top of your list right now. Understood."

"Try right at the bottom."

"I'm an a.s.shole. I know it. You know it. But I've got nothing against you, and I'll stay far away from Firecracker."

"Stop calling her that."

"Done. I'll make sure the rest of the team lays off, too."

I grit my teeth because even though he's not said anything wrong, I've got nowhere for all the anger to go.