"Dad." Seth had a challenge in his voice.

Rick ignored it. "We partied all night. When the sun came up the next day, the world was covered in two to three inches of gray ash. Like fine, powdery snow, only dirty.

"The university canceled cla.s.s. They never did that. Not even the day the dorm blew up. Or the many times they received anonymous threats about someone poisoning the dorm salad bars with cyanide stolen from the chemistry department.

"Then they issued us facemasks. The kind doctors or maybe, more accurately, furniture makers or something wear. Because the dust could be dangerous to our lungs. Give us lung cancer when we were older." He laughed. "Hasn't come true yet. The truth was, it was just dust. Like the kind you get on your car from driving along a dirt road on a dry summer day. Just pulverized mountain.

"We wore them for about a day until everyone discarded them as a nuisance. Made your face hot and it was hard to breathe. d.a.m.n funny for a while, though, seeing everyone on campus wearing a white mask over their mouths. Couldn't recognize a d.a.m.n person." He shook his head like it had all been folly.

"The university and town sent the street sweepers out to get rid of the dust. Which mostly just made a dust storm in the wake of the sweepers. Many people scooped up jars and vials of the stuff to keep as a souvenir. I didn't bother.

"The second day, a breeze kicked up and blew the dust off the trees. The stuff blew around everywhere. Some of it sifted into the gra.s.s. After a few days, it finally rained. We were never so glad about a rain shower. Washed most of the dust down the drains. But not all. Remnants hung around and blew around in dry weather for years.

"The middle of the state got a lot more ash. Thicker ash. A good ten years later they had to close I-90 because of an ash storm caused by wind."

Something about his tone. His eyes lost their look of humor and happy memories. It was as if the ash coming had put a gray cloud on everything.

Seth grabbed his water gla.s.s. "Dad, didn't you marry Mom that summer?"

"In Seattle. We didn't have a problem with the ash there. It missed us."

I frowned. "But you were dating my mom when the mountain erupted? Then..." I couldn't help frowning.

Seth shot me a look warning me to back off. I opened my mouth to go for it anyway.

Rick beat me to it. "So what happened?" He sighed. "Colleen was pregnant with Seth's older brother. She told me a few days after the mountain blew up.

"Colleen was always...fragile. She wanted the baby. Wouldn't hear of aborting or giving it up. She needed me. I broke up with your mom and did the right thing by Colleen and my baby. I married her."

Chapter 16.

Maddie Somehow, I made it through the rest of dinner and the evening. Though I didn't know how. I was reeling. Since I'd first suspected Rick Butler of fathering Ian, I'd a.s.sumed he was a complete douche who'd walked out on Mom when he found out she was pregnant. How was I supposed to deal with this new information?

He'd gotten two girls pregnant? At the same time! And married the first one who told him. Out of a sense of duty. No wonder Mom never mentioned him. He'd broken her heart. I was sure of that.

I should have hated him. But I couldn't. Not after he'd saved her. And spoken so fondly of her. He wasn't the douche I'd thought he was. Or wanted him to be.

And now, an even more terrible thought occurred to me-did Rick even know Mom had been pregnant, too? Was she really the villain, keeping the baby a secret from him?

He sure didn't act like he knew.

And what about my dad? What had she told him? He'd always claimed Ian as his own. Had he known the truth? Or had Mom convinced him the baby was his?

The thoughts kept swirling in my head like an ominous cloud on the emotional horizon. I didn't know what to think or believe.

Through dessert, I listened to Seth and his dad banter back and forth. I didn't know whether they noticed my relative silence.

After dinner, Seth took me out to sit on the beach and look at the stars.

He slid his arm around me and held me close. "You're awfully quiet."

"I'm thinking." I bit my lip. "Does it bother you that your dad married your mom out of a sense of responsibility?"

"You mean does it bother me that Mom trapped him into marrying her?" He sounded bitter, and yet almost amused at the same time. Like it was what it was. "Not really. I've always known she was pregnant when they got married. When I think about the way things are, it makes total sense. From my perspective, they've never been in love. Always been divorced and bitter toward each other.

"I always thought it was because of my brother's death. Now I know there was more to it. Does that make a difference to me?" He shrugged. "Not really. The outcome is the same."

I had to test him, dip my toes in the waters of coming clean. "Seth, at some point...what happens if your dad and my mom meet each other again? I mean...if you and I...you know, continue on together, they probably will." I was making a mess of things. I shuddered involuntarily and tried to cover and act like it was because of the cool evening.

He pulled me closer. "It will probably be awkward as h.e.l.l. But whatever happened between them was years ago. They should be over it by now."

I nodded uncertainly. "Maybe."

"Don't worry about it," he said. "We'll deal with it when we have to."

I had the feeling, though, that "when we have to" was much sooner than he imagined. I was thinking about Ian. And how strange he'd acted when I asked him why he'd chosen to come to the university. Did he suspect what I did? How would he have known?

I had to talk to him. I needed to tell him what I suspected. I needed his advice and opinion. But I didn't want to hurt him. How could I tell him without hurting him or Mom? Or Dad's memory?

But if I didn't and he accidentally ran into Seth? Or insisted on meeting him? And eventually, probably sooner than later, he was going to insist on meeting Seth simply because he was my boyfriend. What did I do then? How would I explain? To either of them.

I was the victim of a sliding, acc.u.mulating set of circ.u.mstantial evidence. Should I have gone to either Ian or Seth with my suspicions the first time I met Seth and noticed he looked a lot like Ian? When I found out Rick and my parents were at the university at the same time? When I saw that picture of Rick and realized Ian looked like a young Rick? When that letter fell out of Mom's photo alb.u.m?

When was the acc.u.mulation of evidence enough? Okay, now. Now it was enough. But before-when exactly had it crossed the line?

I looked at Seth. I wouldn't lose him. I couldn't. But I felt like fate had already doomed us. How would he react if, when, I told him I thought we shared a brother?

Seth I had planned everything about Maddie's visit. I was determined to show her how romantic I could be. And impress her. To show her how committed I was to her. Because, d.a.m.n, I'd never wanted to impress a girl so badly before. Or show any kind of commitment.

I was failing. I could feel it. Dad was interfering in ways I'd never imagined. She hadn't acted the same since that story he'd told about saving her mom. And seriously, what guy could compete with that hero s.h.i.t? What was I supposed to do? Hire a bomber so I could save Maddie like Dad had her mom?

He had to tell that story and one-up me. Dad, the accidental hero.

Since then, Maddie had been preoccupied. Half a dozen times, she started to tell me something. And cut herself off.

On Sat.u.r.day afternoon, I took her on a tour of the local wineries. I'd planned it carefully, starting with the least impressive winery. Ending at Dad's. After closing. Kind of like tasting dry wines first and ending with sweet.

"All this winetasting should get you extra credit," I told her.

"And drunk," she teased back, but it was forced, like she there was something heavy on her mind. It weighed down everything about her.

Basic tasting was free at all the wineries I was going to take her to. So, yeah, you could say it was a cheap date. If I'd played it that way.

After tasting the standard four offerings at the first winery, Maddie slung her purse over her shoulder. "On to the next one!" That false perkiness sparkled in her voice.

"Not so fast." I grabbed her hand. "What was your favorite?"

She paused and looked upward, like she was thinking hard. "That's tough. I liked the last two."

I prompted her. "You like the sweeter wines?"

"Dry to sweet!" She laughed and nodded. "When you put it that way, yeah, I guess I do. At least here I did."

"Choose carefully." I squeezed her hand.

She looked at me like she wondered what I was up to. "I liked the last one. The dessert wine."

"Excellent!" I pulled her to a display of wines and grabbed a bottle of the one she liked.

"What are you doing?"

"Buying a bottle of your favorite."

"You don't have to. I wasn't begging-"

"I want to." I had an excellent plan to show my romantic, committed side. "We'll save it and drink this bottle of wine on our next month anniversary."

Her eyes misted over. "That's so sweet."

After I bought her favorite at the second winery, she caught on. "How many wineries are we visiting? How much wine are you going to buy?"

"Enough to have a bottle a month through our one-year anniversary." I kissed her quickly and more pa.s.sionately than I intended. My heart pounded in my ears. "I've never made it to a year with a girl."

She turned her gaze on me, her eyes wide and misty. "Oh, Seth." She hugged me, clung to me.

I was almost embarra.s.sed that she was so moved by my plan. And pleased and incredibly happy.

We ended the day at Dad's winery at sunset. I let us in with a key. I'd ordered dinner from the hotel and bribed one of the waiters I knew to set it out for us on a table on the balcony. With a red rose in a vase.

Maddie gasped when she saw it.

At first, I thought she was pleased and overwhelmed. d.a.m.n, I was good with the romance. But she had paled and was trembling.

"What?" I put my arms around her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She bit her lip. "It's so...perfect. Like...you aren't...this isn't..."

I stared at her, trying to prompt her. "Isn't...?"

"You aren't going to propose?" She winced.

I laughed. "s.h.i.t! No. I'm not that committed. Yet."

She looked relieved, and smiled. "Good."

"Good?" I stared at her, trying not to be hurt. "You mean you wouldn't marry me?"

"I didn't say that. I don't know. I really don't. Maybe. Someday. But right now, it's too soon to tell." She paused, looking like there was something she wanted to say. "We don't know everything about each other. Maybe there are secrets..."

I laughed, trying to lighten the mood. "It's not good to know everything. They always say you shouldn't lose the mystery." I paused, studying her. "You have secrets? Anything you want to tell me?"

She bit her lip, looking like she was struggling with herself over something. "We all have secrets." She put her hand on my arm. "To be perfectly clear, you aren't proposing?"

I shook my head. "No. Guess I overdid it with my wine buying? Came off too serious?"

"No. It was perfect."

Why did she sound so d.a.m.n sad, then? I was s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g things up. I didn't understand her.

She relaxed and dropped her hand from my arm to study the table. "Wow, when you do propose...to someone"-she sounded almost sad and extremely cautious-"it's really going to be something. How are you going to top this? She's going to be very lucky."

s.h.i.t. I didn't like the way she practically a.s.sumed that girl wouldn't be her. Neither of us had any idea what the future held. But the way I felt now, she had every chance of being the girl I'd eventually marry.

I caught her hand in mine and squeezed. "Let's pick out the wine for our one-year anniversary. Dad gave us full run of the cellar."

I caught her chin in my hand and stared into her eyes. "I love you, Mads. I wish I could prove it to you somehow. I want to be your hero."

Although it had been on my mind, I didn't know why I said it. It slipped out.

"Be careful what you wish for." She reached up and stroked my cheek. "You don't have to pull me from a burning building to be my hero. You just have to believe me. Believe that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you. Believe me when I beg you to."

A shiver ran down my back. What was she telling me?

She grabbed the wrist of my hand holding her chin and turned her mouth to kiss my hand. "Let's go pick out that wine."

Chapter 17.

Maddie Rick saw us off the next morning. He walked us to the driveway and helped load our bags in our respective cars.

He hugged me, which caught me off guard. "Say h.e.l.lo to your mom for me. Next time you talk to her."

He was clearly issuing a challenge. He wanted me to tell Mom who Seth really was-Rick Butler's son, the man who had saved her life and killed her heart. Hardly a good bargain for her.