"Wha.s.sermarrer? Ahhhhhhhbalztoyer alllll."

"There's early breakfast laid on for you."

"I don't like people laying on my food!"

It was 05.00 hours, it wasn't fair! Who invented early? The late people were much happier, like the Late King George, or the Late Rasputin. I didn't bother to wash or shave. Red-eyed I ambled to the Cook House. "How long you been dead?" said the Cook. The morning air was cool, light blue mist cast a hazy veil over the landscape. The dawn peace was shattered by the Fifth Mediums laying down a barrage. Breakfast was a surprise. The new Compo K rations had arrived, cases of tinned and dehydrated foods. We had scrambled egg, sausages and Ahhha Porridge.

"They're just fattening you up for the kill," said the Cook.

0600: Bombardier Fuller and I set off. We skirted our guns to avoid the muzzle blast and Porridge. The ground was covered with a very light dew that was now drying out. Every twenty yards we stapled the wire to the ground.

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The 1st round in anger- 79 79 Battery at War Battery at War

The sun came up, it was going to be a lovely day. Reaching the foot of the hill Bdr Fuller suddenly 'remembered' where the O.P. was, "We was too far to the left." (We?) "You (You?) go and bring it this way." I walked to where we'd dumped the cable. Unbeknown, I was under enemy observation. WHOOSH-BANG! Behind me a purple and red explosion. I was so surprised I walked to where it had happened when WHOSSH-BAM another one; I didn't like it, dropping the cable drum I made a tactical withdrawal to the foot of the hill.

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British troops cutting German Laundry Lines

"They must have seen you," says Fuller, a master of the obvious. Two more burst behind the crest, half a dozen more they, were searching for us. Then all quiet.

"Look," I said, "this is b.l.o.o.d.y dangerous work. I'm going to put in for a rise."

"I (I?) must get this b.l.o.o.d.y line finished," says Fuller, "O.P. is straight up to the right of that tree."

I payed out the line as he went forward. Nearer the crest he started to crouch and finally disappeared into the scrub. Now and then I'd feel a tug on the line as he freed it from some obstruction. I was holding the line when two Bren carriers of infantry pa.s.sed down the hill to my right.

"Fishing, mate?" said a laconic voice. I made a time honoured gesture. Fuller re-emerged.

"Everything OK?" I asked .

"Yes."

"Who's up there?"

"Lt Goldsmith and Bdr Edwards."

"Let's get back," I said. I now produced my new pipe, which I had bought to try and avoid smoking those b.l.o.o.d.y awful Vs. Having a pipe clenched in your teeth seemed to make you feel calm, thoughtful, unflappable.

Major Chater Jack: I see Milligan is smoking a pipe.

Sgt Dawson: Yes sir.

Major Chater Jack: He looks very good smoking it.

Sgt Dawson: Yes sir.

Major Chater Jack: He looks manly.

Sgt Dawson: Very manly.

Major Chater Jack: Unflappable?

Sgt Dawson: Definitely unflappable!

Major Chater Jack: What's he like as a soldier?

Sgt Dawson: b.l.o.o.d.y awful sir.

Rather than go back to the gun position we hung around at the foot of the O.P. hill yarning and smoking. Finally, towards evening, we started back.

"It was all a bit of an anti-climax," Fuller said.

"Yes. I wonder which bit it was?"

I felt my chin. I had a three day growth. A dust storm was starting to blow up, I couldn't decide whether it was German or one of ours. In the middle of it, a staff car emerged from across the fields.

Me: Look Frank! In the middle of it, a staff car has emerged from across the fields!

It was General Alexander with some staff officers. They got out, pointed in all directions, leaped back in the car and shot off at speed. The rich have all the fun! Dusty and tired we arrived at the gun position. Lt Joe Mostyn had just returned from a meal with an Arab sheik. "I had to eat three b.l.o.o.d.y sheeps' eyes!"

"Really?" I said, "Bend down and you should be able to see out the back."

Poor old Joe! He was not particularly good at Gunnery! On his first day at an O.P. he scored ten direct hits,-on a field. I pointed out there were no Germans in it.

"Ah," he said, "they may fall in the holes."

"Of course," I said, "German Division surrenders with twisted ankle."

"You've got got to miss sometimes," he said, "it's good for business! What a war! There I was just doing well in the Schmutter Trade, and this Schmoch Hitler comes along so, I have to switch from outsize blouses to battle-dresses. I'm just starting to do well again when to miss sometimes," he said, "it's good for business! What a war! There I was just doing well in the Schmutter Trade, and this Schmoch Hitler comes along so, I have to switch from outsize blouses to battle-dresses. I'm just starting to do well again when I I get called up. get called up. Me Me a soldier? This major says 'Mostyn, with your head for figures you're ideal for the R.A'. So here I am wasting sh.e.l.ls, a soldier? This major says 'Mostyn, with your head for figures you're ideal for the R.A'. So here I am wasting sh.e.l.ls, ten ten sh.e.l.ls, that's see...nearly 400 quid, sh.e.l.ls, that's see...nearly 400 quid, wasted wasted, for that I could have made three hundred and ten battle-dresses."

The I.G. at war The I.G. at war I'm Captain Blenkinsop, I.G., I'm Captain Blenkinsop, I.G., Sent by mistake across the sea, Sent by mistake across the sea, To land upon this dismal sh.o.r.e To land upon this dismal sh.o.r.e And find myself involved in war. And find myself involved in war. Sad is the tale I have to tell- Sad is the tale I have to tell- For a man like me this war is h.e.l.l. For a man like me this war is h.e.l.l. For how can anyone expect, For how can anyone expect, My fall of shot to prove correct, My fall of shot to prove correct, When everything I tell the guns, When everything I tell the guns, Is interfered with by the Huns? Is interfered with by the Huns? When bombs are dropping down in rows When bombs are dropping down in rows How can I make my traverse close. How can I make my traverse close. Or take a bearing on the Pole Or take a bearing on the Pole While cowering in a muddy hole? While cowering in a muddy hole? It's plain that the opposing forces, It's plain that the opposing forces, Have not been on the proper courses. Have not been on the proper courses. But, worst of all, the other day, But, worst of all, the other day, When I was checking someone's lay, When I was checking someone's lay, The Germans rushed the gun position The Germans rushed the gun position Without the Commandant's permission. Without the Commandant's permission. I had to meet them, man to man, I had to meet them, man to man, Armed only with a Tetley fan. Armed only with a Tetley fan. O send me back to Salisbury Plain O send me back to Salisbury Plain And never let me rove again! And never let me rove again! Larkhill's the only place for me, Larkhill's the only place for me, Where I could live at ease and free Where I could live at ease and free And frame, with sharpened pencil stroke And frame, with sharpened pencil stroke A barrage of predicted smoke. A barrage of predicted smoke. Worked out for sixteen different breezes, Worked out for sixteen different breezes, With extra graphs, in case it freezes, With extra graphs, in case it freezes, For non-rigidity corrected, For non-rigidity corrected, And on a Merton Grid projected! And on a Merton Grid projected! O take me to the R.A. Mess, O take me to the R.A. Mess, To dwell in red brick happiness, To dwell in red brick happiness, Enfold my body, leather chair, Enfold my body, leather chair, And let me fight the War from there! And let me fight the War from there!

Lt Tony Goldsmith 18.20 hours. I retired to our mud hut, threw myself on my bed. My second day in action and not killed yet! By G.o.d the Germans were bad shots! Next door to us were the Arab farmer, his wife and two kids, a boy of six and a girl about four. I knew they must be having a rough time so I occasionally took them a tin of steak and kidney pudding. What words of comfort did the Arab mother have for her children? How did she explain away the thunder of our guns, what did she say we were ? Good ? Bad ? I suppose the little Arab boy is a man now and works the same land, perhaps he's getting a better life. I wonder if he remembers the gunner who made a rabbit's head from a handkerchief and made it wiggle its ears. He might be telling his children "So this silly b.u.g.g.e.r comes up, ties a few knots in his handkerchief and I was supposed to laugh. Silly sod!" The oil lamps cast a yellow glow, shadows wavered on faces in the playing light. The guns, silent for the past hour, started a Hara.s.sing Fire Task. Somewhere, some German was about to receive 200 pounds of exploding iron.

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A direct hit on a German Laundry

Hara.s.sing Fire had no rhythm...That was the idea...you fired at aggravating intervals. It was the Chinese water torture with solids.

Ernie Hart: What was it like at the O.P. ?

Me: Nothing much I was sh.e.l.led a bit.

Ernie: What real real sh.e.l.ls? sh.e.l.ls?

Me: Oh no, just imitations.

Ernie: Were they near?

Me: Pretty near. They fell in the same country.

Hart: We had to take a line to the top of Djbel Rihane, near the Mosque.

Me: Mosque?

Hart: Yes, it was a ruin.

Me: Shows you what drink can do.

Hart: We could see Jerry from the top.

Me: Anybody we knew ?

Hart: We could even see 'em queueing up for grub.

A Voice: What's the time?

Me: It's nearly eleven.

Hart: Feels like two in the morning.

Me: You. must be feeling the wrong part.

The scene: He pulled the blankets up and moved down into his pit.

Me: Just think, if Gladstone was alive today he'd be a hundred and fifty-seven. Men cannot live by bread alone!

Hart: Wot you talkin' about? Go to sleep for Christ sake.

Me: Very well, but if Gladstone comes through that door and asks for a slice of bread alone, don't say I didn't warn you!

At this, Gunner Milligan rolled on his side, closed his eyes and dreamed he was fronting a twenty-four piece orchestra. They all wore black jackets but He He was wearing a was wearing a white white one, playing great trumpet solos that had people crowding the stand. Lily was there and he ignored her, at which moment Rita Hayworth called for him in a Rolls Royce that she drove right up to the bandstand. He screws Hayworth in the back of the Rolls, then takes another chorus on the trumpet. one, playing great trumpet solos that had people crowding the stand. Lily was there and he ignored her, at which moment Rita Hayworth called for him in a Rolls Royce that she drove right up to the bandstand. He screws Hayworth in the back of the Rolls, then takes another chorus on the trumpet.

Dawn 20th Feb. 1943 A khaki creature was shaking me. "Come on Harry James stand to..."

"Stand Two? I can't stand one."

It was 0400 hours. 0400 hours? There was no such time, it had been invented by Hitler to break us. I staggered out into the chill morning darkness. Bombardier Edwards posted me in a trench directly outside the officers' hut.

"Get in, keep your eyes open, stay in that hole. If you get killed, just lay down and we'll fill it in."

"Very funny," I said to him. "With your sense of humour you should be on the other side."

I was alone in the hole in the ground in Africa. It was very quiet. All the guns had stopped firing. They usually did in the small hours, even wars get tired. There was the distant yapping of Arab farm dogs. I wondered when the b.l.o.o.d.y animals ever slept. As eyes focused to the dark I could see the black shapes that were the block outlines of the huts, the Bren carrier, the wireless trucks, the tracery of the scrim nets. Above, the heavens with stars glittering in the traverse of the sky. The officers' hut door opened, I saw the outline of Major Chater Jack followed by Goldsmith. Seeing the top half of a human in a hole he said "My G.o.d, who's that?"

"Gunner Milligan sir."

"What's the matter? I thought you were taller!"

"I'm in a hole sir."

I heard Chater Jack chuckle. He said something to Goldsmith and they both returned convulsed with suppressed laughter.

I was again alone in a hole in Africa. At this moment among the warring nations there were literally hundreds of thousands of little men, all standing in holes, in France, Germany, Poland, Russia. What a lot of b.l.o.o.d.y fools we must look! The door of the officers' hut opened again. The mountainous figure of Chater Jack's batman, Woods, loomed towards me. He handed me a cup of tea "With the Boss's compliments," he said. I sipped the tea-there must be some mistake! It had whisky whisky in!! I'd better hurry. I gulped it down and as I finished Gunner Woods returned. "Were there whisky in thart tea?" he said. I nodded. in!! I'd better hurry. I gulped it down and as I finished Gunner Woods returned. "Were there whisky in thart tea?" he said. I nodded.

"Well b.u.g.g.e.r oi down dead," he said, "that were Major's tea."

Woods had approached me with the mind of a boy of twelve and left with one of thirteen. Experience ages a man. The first light was quickening the morning sky. Ghostly outlines were gradually turning into detailed reality as the covers of night fell off, we were all thinking, breakfast! Loudspeakers crackled into life. "Take Post!" Gunners dropped their food and ran to the guns, to cries of "f.u.c.k our luck." I discovered that some swine had stolen my shaving brush, so I stole someone else's. I had an early breakfast, and was detailed to check the O.P. line. I liked going. It took me away from the mob and gave me a sense of freedom. I told Shapiro I wanted him to come with me.

"Oh no," he said, "I can't come, my tin hat doesn't fit properly."

"You're a hat cutter, it's your own b.l.o.o.d.y fault."