"Oh, B, I've lost patience with me." Christina kneels and helps Amalia pick up her Picasso-esque maple leaves. Amalia juggles her pile of books and supplies and climbs the porch steps to go inside. I help Christina up.

"You know last week I told you I was getting better?" Christina plucks at a maple leaf. "Well, I got worse again."

"I wish you'd go and see Father Porporino."

"Oh, please."

"No, you really should. He's a mean bastard, but he's good with grief and fund-raising."

Christina laughs. "You're crazy. You're the only guy I know who still prays."

"It can't hurt."

"Now, there's a philosophy I can embrace wholeheartedly."

"Do it for Amalia."

"Everything I'm doing, I do for her. I get up in the morning, don't I?"

There is nothing I can say. Since Charlie died eleven months ago, there is nothing I can do either. The shock hasn't fully worn off, and if you had to name Christina's stage of grief, it would be the one before acceptance. All her dreams are shot, the one where she would grow old with her true love, have a second baby, enjoy the fertile valley of her youth with a guy who made her laugh. Now she's just another lonely woman, and it's killing her.

"Try me again next week." She smiles.

"I will." I give her a hug. She holds on like a drowning woman. "You aren't going to drag your tongue over my upper lip, are you?"

"Who did that?" Christina lets go of me, and for a second, she's her old self again.

"Nicky's girl. Ondine Doyle. She's a gold band away from being my legal niece and she licks me."

"Yuck!"

"You're telling me. She's like diesel fuel, that one-all over the highway. You know what I mean?"

Christina throws her head back and laughs, just like the old days, just like we were before everything changed.

Everyone has a place that calls to them, a place where they flourish, where their best self emerges and they remember true happiness. For some, it's a college reunion under a beer tent being groped by an old flame. For others, it's a summer share outside Atlantic City with an all-night poker game and cold pizza. For me, it's the Scalamandre townhouse, home of the greatest hand-woven silks in the world, on East Fifty-seventh Street and Third Avenue in noisy, dirty, delicious Manhattan.

I try to get into town at least once a week. Tonight I make several stops before reaching the townhouse. I pick up samples of ceramic tiles at Kovack's and wool rug squares at Roubini. I photograph a Grange settee at the furniture mart. I duck into Scalamandre's just before closing time.

When I come to the city, I call friends, most of them in the design business, and we swap stories over a glass of wine and baked chicken at the Cattleman West Restaurant. I have had these friends since my days at Parsons, where I majored in fibers. I went on to take graduate courses, focusing on interiors. As the only designer in OLOF, I crave a peer group, fellow designers and artists with whom I can consult, share ideas, and discuss trends. Just because I live in a small town in Jersey doesn't mean I can't stay cosmopolitan.

New York City is the place where all art comes home to roost. This is certainly true in my trade, as there is not a fabric woven anywhere in the world that cannot be had in one of the showrooms here. When I earned my full ASID (American Society of Interior Designers) credentials, the first thing I did was push open the doors of Scalamandre's. The words painted in gold leaf on the door say TO THE TRADE, but they might as well have said BARTOLOMEO DI CRESPI, COME ON IN! I felt like I joined the best club on earth. I may pray in Our Lady of Fatima Church, but I do my worshipping in the House of Scalamandre.

The windows are showstoppers. They combine classic elements with a touch of humor-usually there's a chair covered in a signature pattern, backed by the latest wallpaper, with a chest, mirrors, and decorative boxes as accents. Once it was a moss-green velvet tuffet trimmed in a Medici floral print with a fringe knotted with crystals. On a plump canvas mushroom sat a bowl of porridge. A black velvet spider on a silver cord hung from the ceiling. Little Miss Muffet on Third Avenue.

Franco Scalamandre is not only a great weaver, he's a serious historian in the field of fibers. His research of Italian antiquities often inspires his designs. He reissued silkscreen prints of velvets woven with metallic accents that were used in the Medici palaces in the 1500s. The collection was so luscious, there was a time when I used a touch of Medici in every house I decorated.

Scali's is a typical Upper East Side townhouse, long and thin like the women who live in the neighborhood, and beautifully maintained. There is never a streak on the polished tables, a curl in the seam of the wallpaper, or a nick in the floorboards. It has the feel of a private home, with its round Roman foyer featuring fresh dahlias in a silver pitcher on the Biedermeier entry table. Over the table hangs a chandelier of smoked Venetian glass with bobeches so delicate they look like spun sugar. At the foot of a grand staircase is a bust of Marie Antoinette. The carpet runner is a kicky tan leopard print. Instead of a banister on the inside wall going up the stairs, they draped a wide silk satin cord attached with brass grommets. The spiral steps twist like a swizzle stick up to the fourth floor.

A sign at the foot of the stairs directs you through the building. The first floor is fabrics, the second, wall treatments (paneling, paper, and fabric murals), the third, trims and fringe, and the fourth, private offices. No decorator worth his salt ever takes the small service elevator for fear of missing a new display.

In the back room of the first floor, the fabric samples are hung on racks in billowing streams from ceiling to floor. Each sample has its own clamp and hanger, so you can see the fabric at full height and width. I love the sound the fabric makes when I flip through the racks-whoosh, clink. Whoosh, clink. Imagine the waves of color, sumptuous silks, glossy taffetas, crisp plisses, and stiff organzas. Even the sturdier fabrics-wools, linens, and cottons-are displayed with imagination in every possible color combination and weave. On the hem of each sample is an identification card with a name and style number, crucial for sampling, ordering, and pricing.

An assistant joins me instantly, greets me by name, and hands me a small clipboard and pencil. A decorator is asked to write down the item numbers he's chosen and give them to the assistant, who goes to the dumbwaiter in the foyer and sends the list of selections down to the basement.

We call the kids in the basement who sort swatches "the elves" because, while the work may be drudgery, it definitely has its magic. Imagine handling fabric samples for ten hours a day when you love raw silk more than life itself! Such history in those little squares-some fabric designs as old as ancient Rome. When your stack of swatches appears in a crisp envelope on the shelf of the dumbwaiter, you can take it home and dream. I have several corkboards that become my template for a job. I arrange the swatches, paint chips, sample tiles, and photographs (for inspiration) that become the components of my design. When the board is filled, it's a vibrant collage that becomes a work of art in its own right.

"B?" I hear the singsongy voice of Mary Kate Fitzsimmons, the young yet seasoned expert in Trims. "The bullion fringe arrived." Mary Kate knows my weakness for the hand-braided silk fringe I use to trim my ottomans and draperies.

"What colors?" I try not to sound too excited.

"Get ready! There's a dark blue, almost black, that shimmers like licorice. And a gold. I've never seen such a buttery gold in my life! But the best is a pumpkin color; it looks magnificent against ruby red. This batch is French."

"No one does fine hand knotting like the French." I sigh.

"Nope. They are the best." She smiles at me while gently caressing a sheer voile with tone-on-tone embroidered accents. Mary Kate is a classic Irish lass with her oval face, small nose, delicate pale skin, the regulation smattering of adorable freckles, and a bow-shaped, sensual smile. Her teeth aren't quite perfect, but the slight overbite is sexy. "The Italians are pretty good, though," she says, flirting.

"It's so hard to find the right fringe for an ottoman. I like my ottomans to be focal points, and if the fringe is stringy, it ruins the design completely." I find myself falling into the deep blue, almost turquoise, of her eyes.

"I could listen to you talk about ottomans all day," she purrs. "If you need anything, you know where to find me." She turns to go up the stairs. For an Irish girl, she has a very Italian rear end. Funny the things you notice when you're in the thrall of creativity.

By the time I work my way up to Trims, I am the last customer in the store. Even the assistants on the main floor have left, leaving me with my clipboard and pencil to make notes. This is when I love Scalamandre the most-it's quiet and I can think. I compare colors and prints, choose gimps for chair details and fringes for draperies, and use my color wheel against the chroma of various wallpapers. Mary Kate looks up from her desk as I peruse some new silk tassels with hand-painted ceramic beads over the knots. Very Marrakesh.

"What are you working on these days?" she asks pleasantly.

"Several homes. You know how it is-when the spring comes, people see their rooms in bright sunlight, and suddenly everything looks shabby. I can't work fast enough."

"Not everyone is as busy as you are. Of course, you're a superb decorator."

"Thank you. I try."

"You're the real article. Not like the dilettantes who call themselves decorators because somebody told them they have a flair. That's the first sign of a no-talent-they use the word 'flair.' "

"Now, Mary Kate, I'm not going to compare myself to the competition."

"Sorry. I have to deal with them all day, and they don't know brocade from burlap. I get tired of it."

Because I was hoping cousin Christina would come with me, I didn't call any of my city friends in advance, and I'm hungry. "What are you doing for dinner?" I ask Mary Kate.

"Nothing." She smiles.

"How about a plate of spaghetti?"

"Mmm. With a nice red wine and hot bread?" She opens her desk drawer and pulls out her purse.

We head to Le Chantilly, a cozy joint where designers lunch or sup between appointments. The chef is Italian, and though the place is better known for chops and chicken salad, he makes a hearty Bolognese sauce. Mary Kate has me order for both of us, and she proceeds to regale me with stories of the name designers who frequent Scali's: Carleton Varney, Sister Parrish, Mario Buatta, Chessy Rayner, Mica Ertegun, Albert Hadley, David Hicks, and Mark Hampton-all the biggies.

As we swap stories, I notice that Mary Kate slides closer and closer to me in the booth. By the time we're eating dessert-vanilla ice cream with hot-fudge sauce-I'm wedged in the curve of the banquette with Mary Kate pressing so close I can smell her hair.

"What's your dream?"

"What do you mean?" In thirty-nine years, I don't believe anyone has ever asked me that question.

"The decorators who come into Scali's always have a big dream. It's that one property they want to get their mitts on because they believe they're the only decorator in the world who could do it justice. I've heard them all. The duplex penthouse of the Beresford on Central Park West is a big one. The Pabst mansion in Milwaukee. The White House. What's your dream?"

"It's a church."

"Saint Patrick's Cathedral?"

"No, no, the one in my hometown."

"That's so sweet." Mary Kate, genuinely touched, puts her hand on my arm and nuzzles my ear with her nose.

"We should be going," I tell her. Mary Kate goes off to the ladies' room while I pay the bill. She meets me at the coat check.

"Are you seeing anyone?" Mary Kate asks as I help her into her coat.

"I'm a free bird," I tell her. As soon as I say it, I feel a rush of guilt. I am, after all, slightly engaged to be married, even though it is more of an arrangement than a betrothal. After all, I rationalize, our mothers schemed for us to marry. The plan seems intact only because we're both still single. But I could never explain Capri, Aurelia, and The Match to Mary Kate. We've had a good wine, great food, and scintillating conversation; why drag the evening down with details?

"Good news for me." Mary Kate takes my arm, then snuggles her hand into my pocket. "You always smell so good. Clean, like cedar."

"I was just thinking the same thing about you."

"Do you find me attractive?" Mary Kate asks nonchalantly as we cross Third Avenue.

"You remind me of a Capodimonte rose," I answer. "Whimsical, yet perfectly lovely."

When we reach the corner, Mary Kate stops and faces me without taking her hand out of my pocket. She puts her free hand behind my neck, pulls me close, and kisses me. I have to say, the girl can kiss. It's very sweet, not like getting swabbed by Ondine Doyle.

"I never showed you the bullion fringe," she says with a smile.

"Scali's is closed."

"I have a key."

The thought of being alone in Scalamandre's, just Mary Kate and me and all that fabric, is irresistible. "What are we waiting for?" Mary Kate giggles as we run back to the townhouse. I feel delightfully conspiratorial. As a young man, I never rebelled or did anything to upset my parents, so sneaking into a locked professional building feels downright thrilling. Once we reach the front doors of the townhouse, Mary Kate looks up and down the street. When she sees no one familiar, she opens the front door with her key, lets me in, then locks the door behind us. She flips on the recessed lights over the staircase. I take her hand as we go up the stairs two at a time until we are in her department.

"Wait till you see it!" She slides a wall festooned with trims to the side, revealing rows of bullion fringe. "They used this at the Met on the fire curtain," she says proudly. "I helped them choose. Go ahead. Feel."

Mary Kate takes my hand and runs it over the long fringe, three feet of twisted silk braids hand-stitched to a matching embroidered gimp. The top knots and twists are as sensual as fingers; they slip through my hands like Christmas tinsel. I am mesmerized by the way the streetlight plays on the pulls of the fringe. Suddenly I'm William Powell, Mary Kate is Myrna Loy, and Manhattan twinkles in the backdrop like candlelight on crystal. Oh, the ambience!

I am lost in the moment as I caress the soft fringe and imagine it under low lighting, swinging from the draperies of the bay window of the Shumans' living room in Spring Lake. What a perfect accent to the rococo fantasia I'm creating for them!

Mary Kate grabs me from behind, running her hands from my waist to my lapels. She pulls off my jacket. "Mary Kate, darling, what are you doing?" I ask.

"Don't talk," she says softly. I hear buttons pop and zippers rip and the low whisk of her breath, rhythmic at first, then turning to a pant as though she is running to catch a train. She rubs furiously against my back and then climbs onto me like I'm Pikes Peak. I grip the fringe like a trapeze artist waiting to swing over the crowd in the circus tent and let Mary Kate take the lead. I feel as though I am waiting my turn, or perhaps awaiting instruction.

Mary Kate sucks on my neck in the same way she slurped down the Clams Casino appetizer at Le Chantilly. Then she peels off my shirt from behind. "God, your back!" she moans. I am proud of my shoulders and neck, and it has been said, when I was being fitted for custom shirts, that a hostess could serve dinner for eight on my back-it is that broad and toned, leading to a tight thirty-inch waist, of which I am equally proud. I seem to have broken the mold of box-shaped di Crespi men. Of course, I work at my musculature with a combination of brisk walks, light weights, and small portions.

Mary Kate thrusts against me, and I grip the silk-weave gimp for traction, like a lifeline, as she has her way with me. The girl is everywhere! Like a hairy spider in a horror movie, she moves over and under me, around and behind. This little speck of a thing works me over like pie dough, hitting pulse points and tender spots with precision. This is a woman who worships at the altar of the male form! She compliments every muscle and ripple as she goes.

And yet, for me, with all its hoopla and mystery, the sex act boils down to an exercise in friction. I never feel very much emotionally when in the throes of it, and I often wonder why. I know for most of the world making love really means something, but to me it has never been the ultimate human experience. Yes, it can be relaxing and pleasant, but as the great minds point out, pleasure is simply pleasure, it is in no way joy. Creativity is bliss to me. I find the exchange of an idea, the collaboration over a common goal, and the art of conversation far more satisfying than the huff and puff of The Act. "I'm sorry, did you say something?" I ask Mary Kate.

"I said, you're fantastic!" she whispers, then goes back to the job at hand.

I have been told that I'm a great lover, but I don't do anything in particular, I simply hold on. I play captain of the ship, keeping the boat steady with a firm hand on the tiller when the motion gets intense. In any event, Mary Kate Fitzsimmons seems so completely satisfied when she's had her fill that she collapses in a clump, the tassels forming a canopy over her sweet head.

"Oh, B," she whispers.

"Well?" I vamp, never knowing what to say to a naked woman who is looking at me as though I could change the weather.

She laughs. "I don't know what happened to me. The wine. The spaghetti. The fringe."

"The hot-fudge sauce!" I snap my fingers as though I just found the answer.

"No, no. It's you." She smiles.

"Thank you." What else can I say? She's giving me too much credit.

Mary Kate loops her red hair into a bun on the nape of her neck. "I really like Italian men. It's the way you look at a woman."

I think of my father, who used to look at my mother's face as though it was a beanbag. "What do you mean?"

"It's awe," she says earnestly as she puts on her blouse and buttons it up. "You look at women like we know something." She stands without a shred of modesty or shame and looks for her skirt. Her pink skin, saturated in gold streetlight, looks like polished marble.

I don't know what to say, so I simply smile and step back into my pants.

"But you know what I really, really like about you in particular, Bartolomeo?" She takes my hand. "You don't ruin it with a lot of talk."

We return the fringe to the display wall, she turns out the lights, and we walk arm in arm down the winding staircase, which gives me a slight case of vertigo. I hold on to her on one side and the rope railing on the other. "Wait. I have to give you something." What an odd thing for a girl to say after sex. Mary Kate disappears into the back showroom, leaving me in the foyer. She returns quickly with a book.

"Here." She gives me the book An Outline of European Architecture by Nikolaus Pevsner. "This will give you lots of ideas for your church."

"Thank you." I kiss her and tuck the book under my arm.

Once outside, I hail a cab, help Mary Kate into the backseat, and stuff some money into the driver's hand, instructing him to wait until she is safely inside her building in Sunnyside, Queens. She rolls down the window and leans out. The wisps of her red hair flutter against the yellow taxi like feathers.

"The bullion you liked," she says.

"Yes?"

"It's number 1217." She smiles sweetly.

The taxi drives away, its red brake lights disappearing as it moves toward the East River Drive. I button my coat against the chill of the night air. I miss Mary Kate for a moment. I miss her creamy skin that smells like vanilla saltwater taffy. But the pang of sadness quickly fades as I walk up Third Avenue. Let's face it, the best part of sex is when it's over. I like to make love, say good-bye, and then be alone to reflect. Of course I always say a prayer that I won't rot in hell for having done the deed in the first place. Guilt after sex is the espresso after dessert.

I don't know what kind of Catholic Mary Kate is, but somehow she avoided the modesty and shame pill the rest of us took. Good for her. Perhaps Mary Kate has the right idea-making love is absolutely ordinary and as delicious as a bowl of ice cream. Why can't I let it be that? Why can't I learn from a bright girl with legs so strong she could crack walnuts between her knees? Something more to think about on the drive home, but first I need a nightcap.

I walk over to Gino's, a decorator hangout near Bloomingdale's, for one of their Manhattans, heavy on the sweet vermouth, just the way I like them. I feel a twinge in my left calf, similar to the tug one feels after riding a horse. I slip onto a bar stool and place my order, propping my foot on the brass rail to relax my leg. I open Pevsner's book, falling into the glorious illustrations of baroque architecture.