"Well, I was thinking water for the grotto." I point to the shrine to Mary.

"Why put your focal point in a corner? Let's get it out front and center," Rufus says impatiently.

"I want a fresco and I want stained-glass windows."

"You'll get them. But first you need to show us on paper exactly what your dream is. I don't see anything here that really soars above the expected and the ordinary, B. I don't think you've cracked this yet. Think about the miracle at Fatima. There are real clues in that story that could help you reinvent this place in a most original way."

"I don't want a moving wall of water," I say petulantly.

"Okay." Rufus shrugs. "Why?"

"Because I . . . I just don't like it."

"You told the folks in the meeting that you didn't want their input. Now I see why. You don't like to hear new ideas. You won't even consider them. You're threatened by them."

"I am not!" I sound like a child, but I don't care. This is my church. No one is going to tell me how to do my job!

"Okay." Rufus fishes in his pockets for his cigarettes.

"Are you comfortable following instructions?" I ask him pointedly.

Rufus leans against the altar, puts the cigarette in his mouth, but does not light it. "Not really."

"Then we have a problem."

Rufus puts his hands on the altar. "Look. I have a lot of notions. Some are kind of wild and others are fairly traditional. I'm not right all the time, but I think I can push you to take some chances. You need a worldview here. Your design is stale. I've restored a lot of churches, and I don't think you should do the same old thing. You have the money and you have the time and you have the support of the priest. You should really shake it down."

"Skylights and fabric and a marble floor treatment and a new altar and fresco and windows are what the place requires," I say firmly.

"Why?"

"Because it's a house of God and there are stipulations."

"Why?"

"It's the way it's been done since Jerusalem!"

"I thought this job was about breaking rules and reinventing the wheel. The people of this town could use that. They need a jolt of something. If that parish council is any indication, they aren't feeling the rapture."

"We need a church that looks like a church," I reply. "It has to be a house of worship. Look." I pick up my sketches. "The nave, the baptistery, the altar, the shrine to Mary, all of it is here. I went to Italy and I found a church that inspired my design. I need artisans who understand history and have the expertise to refurbish this church."

"No, it sounds like you're looking for a couple of foot soldiers to follow orders. That's not what we do."

"What do you do?" I ask him impatiently.

Rufus takes a deep breath. "We find the magic." He looks at Pedro. Pedro nods.

"That's all well and good, but I need craftsmen to deliver my design. You should know that I've sat in this church for thirty years and reimagined this place a million times. I know what I'm talking about."

"That's what you keep telling everybody. But I don't see your imagination at work, B."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"There's nothing to be sorry about. I have a different idea about what kind of house God might like. But you're a company man, you want to deliver what makes everybody comfortable. Look at your drawings. Except for some new windows and some color, it's the same place it was before. I think the people will dig it, but you can sell people anything."

"What's that supposed to mean? That we're a bunch of sheep? You heard Gus Lascola; he doesn't want anything new."

Rufus shrugs. "Why listen to him? Is he an artist?"

"No, but-"

"B, why don't you trust your own voice? You're letting these folks tell you how to think. You're snuffing your creative spark before it's even lit."

"I'm offended by that." I hear myself whine, so I take a breath. "I am honoring the spark."

"No, you're not. You're pandering. You say you want to fly, but you're falling back on the tried and true. You've probably got a brilliant concept in you, but it's totally bogged down in rules, dogma, and the past. There is no right or wrong in art. And when it comes to churches, it's an expression of a spiritual longing. You are not hearing it, man."

"I am completely flabbergasted!" My voice thunders.

"Good! It's the first sign of juice you've demonstrated," Rufus says evenly. "You are stuck. Stuck in the mud of mediocrity." He looks at Pedro, then back at me. "You don't really want what we do."

"If that's how you feel . . ." I raise my voice.

"That's how it is," Rufus replies.

Without saying good-bye, Rufus and Pedro walk down the aisle and out the front door. I almost call them back when I remember the glorious clouds Rufus painted, Pedro's shimmering shards of stained glass, and how much fun the two of them were the night of my party. But I'm too proud to run after them. This job means too much to me. How dare Rufus McSherry tell me I lack the magic to reinvent Fatima Church? How dare he judge my talent and vision! I hear his truck drive off, and not for a single second do I wish to stop him.

CHAPTER EIGHT.

Mrs. Mandelbaum Regrets It pours cold rain all Christmas Day. My red tree twinkles and blinks like a big ruby ring on an old lady's finger, but even that can't cheer me up. I canceled Christmas dinner here. Ondine offered to make duck in Freehold, so Toot and the boys will go there. I've never had a Christmas alone, and while it's painful, I want to wallow in my misery. I am hurt by Rufus's assault, and I'm not sure how long it will take me to get over it.

I stack my records on the stereo, careful not to scratch them. I have all the Firestone Christmas albums, from Bing Crosby to the Ray Coniff Singers. I flip the ejector when I hear the violins prelude to "Angels We Have Heard on High." I kick off my loafers, lie down on the sofa, and look at the tree, getting lost in the red of it all.

The doorbell rings, which should irritate me; after all, I am falling deep into my depression like an olive in oil, but instead, I spring to my feet in hopeful anticipation and open the door.

"Merry Christmas!" Amalia and Christina say in unison.

"We heard you were home." Christina peels off her gloves, while Amalia kicks off her boots. "Is Ondine's cooking that bad?"

"That baby is going to starve, that's all I'm going to say."

"She's due any day now, you know. Fix me a drink, please." Christina sits down on the couch.

"Why aren't you at the Menecolas'?"

"We did Christmas Eve with them. Night of the seven fishes and the seventeen arguments."

"They fight a lot, B," Amalia says.

"Well, that's just part of a holiday celebration. Remember our cousin Renata?"

"Iggy With The Asthma's daughter?"

"The very one. She used to come for Christmas, we could seat thirty-two in the basement of Ma's house. Within forty-eight hours of her arrival, Renata would have a complete nervous breakdown and tantrum after God-knows-who said God-knows-what to her. She'd grab her suitcase and storm out in the middle of dinner in a huff. She'd be out on Route 35 in tears trying to hail a cab to Newark Airport."

"She was a little nutty," Christina agrees.

"She didn't want to do the dishes," I tell them. "We'd all get up, go after her, beg her forgiveness, and she'd return for dessert."

"Well, she provided the usual drama at the Menecolas' this year. She left during the baccala. Iggy put out a search party and brought her back by the tiramisu."

"Great. Glad her holiday turned out well."

"How are you holding up?" Christina puts her feet on the ottoman and looks at me.

"I'm fine for someone who has been personally attacked, had his professionalism questioned, his integrity violated, and his vision trivialized. Other than that, I'm great."

"What are you going to do?"

"I met with some people. They call themselves artisans, but they're really just contractors who drywall churches. The bishop has a list. I wasn't very impressed. I called Eydie before she left for France-she does Christmas in Paris every year-and she was very sympathetic. She said Rufus is a genius. The problem with geniuses is they tend to be temperamental."

"That wasn't his temper talking. He just didn't like your ideas."

"Don't pile on."

"Don't get defensive. He thought you could do better."

"Did he tell you that?"

"No. You did."

"Well, that was a very cruel thing to say!" I sound like a two-year-old.

"He wasn't being mean. He was being honest. And nobody in OLOF is ever honest, so when the truth is spoken, it stings."

"My God, cousin, did you intend to come over here on Christmas Day and make everything worse? You know I poured myself into the design. I have nothing left to give. Whose side are you on, anyway?"

"I'm on the side of people saying what they mean. I don't know anything about what you do. I work for you, but usually I'm just in awe of how you come up with your ideas, and the big picture is not something I understand. I know what I like, but I wouldn't know how to go about putting it together. You're the artist. That's what you do."

"You wouldn't know it by talking to Rufus. He wanted nothing to do with my ideas."

"Sounds like he was pushing you to be great, not putting you down."

"Well, that might be his version." I pout.

"You waited months to get him here. Why don't you pick up the phone and call him?"

"And say what? 'You're right, Rufus. I stink!' "

"Arrange a meeting. Talk things through."

Amalia comes from the kitchen with Christmas cookies she's arranged on a plate. "Can I make hot chocolate?"

"No!" Christina and I shout in unison.

"Why not?"

"Because I make the best hot chocolate in New Jersey," I reply, gently this time.

"So, you make it." Amalia rolls her eyes. "I hope you guys realize that you just yelled at me on Christmas. I don't think I need that in my holiday memory book."

"Follow me," I tell them.

BARTOLOMEO'S HOT CHOCOLATE Yield: 4 cups 12 cup cocoa 1 tablespoon flour 12 cup dark brown sugar, packed 2 tablespoons confectioner's sugar 112 teaspoons vanilla extract 112 teaspoons coconut flavoring 4 cups whole milk FRESH WHIPPED CREAM.

1 cup heavy cream 14 cup confectioner's sugar 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 4 cinnamon sticks

Mix the cocoa, flour, brown sugar, confectioner's sugar, vanilla extract, coconut flavoring, and milk in a saucepan. Cook over low heat until all the dry ingredients dissolve. Using a whisk, blend well until it steams. In a bowl, whip the heavy cream, confectioner's sugar, and vanilla extract until stiff. Pour the mixture into 4 mugs, and top with a dollop of whipped cream. Use one cinnamon stick per mug as a stirrer.

Amalia and Christina sit at the kitchen table while I pour the steaming hot chocolate into big, white ceramic mugs. I ladle lots of fresh whipped cream on top, then drop a bourbon ball into my mug and Christina's.

BOOBOO MIGLIO'S BOURBON BALLS 1 cup finely chopped walnuts 1 cup confectioner's sugar 2 tablespoons cocoa 1 cup vanilla wafers, crushed 112 tablespoons corn syrup 14 cup bourbon Confectioner's sugar for dusting

In a bowl, mix the walnuts, confectioner's sugar, cocoa, and vanilla-wafer crumbs. Add the corn syrup and bourbon, and knead to a doughy consistency. Use a melon baller and roll into small balls. Roll in the confectioner's sugar to coat. Makes about 45 balls. Store in an airtight container in the fridge until serving time.

"Come on," Amalia whines. "I'm going to be thirteen in January. Give me a bourbon ball too." I look at Christina, who nods. After all, it's Christmas, and I know of very few grown-up rum hounds who went down the wrong path because they ate one bourbon ball during the holidays. I drop one in Amalia's mug.