"I'll pay," I promised.

Her smile got bigger. "Friends and family discount," she said then leaned in and whispered, "which means free."

"Cut your teeth on Guitar Hero, it's the only way to go," Annette, who I'd met when the Rock Chicks came to my gallery weeks ago and who also ran a head shop across the street from Fortnum's, advised.

"Guitar Hero!" Buzz, Stella's bass guitarist snapped, sounding (and looking) affronted. "Fuck Guitar Hero!"

"Guitar Hero's the shit," Annette shot back.

"Guitar Hero's for pussies," Buzz returned then looked at me with a smile. "I'll teach you guitar," he offered.

"I'll teach you drums. Drums are where it's at." Pong, Stella's drummer, moved in.

"Fuck the drums, I'll teach you the sax. You blow a horn, you know cool." Hugo, Stella's saxophonist got close.

"Yay!" I shouted and clapped, too excited to turn any of them down.

An arm went around my waist and I found my body moved back several feet from the band. I looked up and saw Eddie had hold of me.

"Maybe you can decide to learn to be a rock star when you aren't shitfaced," Eddie suggested, eyes on the band.

"Okay," I agreed readily even though I'd already decided I was going to be a rock star.

Forget Veronica Mars.

I wanted rock 'n' roll!

Eddie's eyes moved to me, he looked at me a second and I saw him smile, dimple and everything.

"I like your dimple," I told him.

His eyes flashed then they got all glittery (which was hot!) and, just like his brother, his body started shaking with laughter.

Finally, his eyes moved to Jet.

"You wanna take over here?" he asked her.

Jet looked at Eddie then her gaze moved to Daisy then Ava then to me.

"Let's go to the restroom," she announced and didn't wait for me to reply. She just took my hand and dragged me to the restroom.

When we got into the restroom, no one used the facilities. Just like the girls on Sex and the City, they all turned to the mirrors and started fixing their lip gloss.

I'd always wanted to go to the restroom with my girlfriends and fix my lip gloss.

And here I was, doing it!

Wasn't that great?

"I love Eddie. He's my favorite of Hector's siblings," I informed Jet magnanimously, turning to a mirror and digging my lip gloss out of my pocket (Indy had taught me how to go purse-less at a rock gig, lip gloss, ID, money and credit card in front pocket, cell phone in back).

"I'll let him know." Jet smiled at me.

"You have a beautiful smile," I told her, "You're really pretty but when you smile, I swear to God, you're so beautiful, you make my heart squeeze."

I saw Jet blink like this surprised her (and how bizarre was that, she had to know she had a beautiful smile, if she didn't she was blind) but I was too happy to be putting on lip gloss in the restroom with my girlfriends to take too much notice.

"Eddie likes you too," Ava told me and I saw through the mirror her eyes were on Jet.

"Aces!" I cried, excited that Eddie liked me, heck, excited that anyone would like me.

Daisy giggled her Christmas bells giggle.

Jet got closer to me. "He's a little worried about you though."

I finished with my lip gloss and looked at her as I shoved it back in my pocket (this was hard, my skirt was tight).

"Worried?"

"Yeah," she replied and I realized with some surprise that she was being serious.

"Why on earth is he worried?" I asked, forgetting, for one shining moment, that my life was one devastating trauma after the other.

"He doesn't know, can't put his finger on it," Jet explained. "He talked to me about it and he wanted us to make sure you're okay."

Daisy and Ava got closer and I looked at them. They all looked serious now and my happy buzz slipped a notch.

"You know, sugar, I been through what you been through," Daisy told me.

My confused eyes moved to her.

"You have?"

She got closer. "Was workin' at Smithie's, it's a strip joint. Marcus part-owned it back then. I didn't know him but I saw him come in every once in awhile. After a show, one of the customers raped me behind Smithie's. It wasn't as bad as what you went through but it was bad."

At this announcement, I felt my face pale as my happy buzz vaporized.

Daisy went on, "Smithie and Marcus found out and they flipped. Smithie doubled up on bouncers and made it policy that all the girls were escorted to their cars after we closed. And Marcus, well... that's when Marcus and me got together, kind of. It wasn't like he asked me out but, every day after it happened he sent me bouquets of daisies. Every day. For weeks. Until my house was so filled with pretty flowers that it was hard to keep my mind on ugly thoughts."

I stared at her, my heart hurting for her then I whispered, "I knew I liked Marcus."

She smiled at me, reached out, caught my hand and held it tight.

"When he decided the time was right, he came at me. It was tough on me and I made it tough on him but he never gave up, he kept comin' until I gave in. And I'm glad he did."

"You have to know," Ava put in before I could process what Daisy said. "That what it is with these guys is different than what it is with other guys. It's different than what it is with the kind of guy who would hurt you, either what that man did to you or how other men can tear you down. They come on strong because they are strong not because they're jerks or anything."

I didn't know what to say, so I said, "Okay."

"Hector's a good guy," Jet told me and I looked at her.

It hit my drunken brain what they were saying and I felt my shields go up automatically.

"I know," I replied.

"You have to let him in." Daisy squeezed my hand.

Oh no.

Just.

No.

They didn't get it. They probably couldn't. They weren't me.

There were two sides to this coin. The one side was me and the fact that Hector was likely too good for me. The other side was life as I knew it, that I couldn't trust anyone and that nothing worked out for me, it couldn't, I was who I was and I deserved whatever Hector had in store for me, using me then leaving me behind.

Maybe a girl who'd had friends, whose mother hadn't been murdered while protecting her, whose father hadn't kept her imprisoned in a beautiful mansion her whole life, a girl who hadn't been brutally raped, could trust, could understand.

But that girl wasn't me.

I couldn't tell them any of that.

I wanted to.

But I couldn't.

Because they wouldn't get it.

"We're okay," Pretend Sadie promised on a smile.

They all stared at me.

"No, really," I said.

"You're holdin' somethin' back," Daisy accused.

"No, I'm not," I lied. I was drunk but not drunk enough to share. I'd done enough sharing. Sharing was only going to get me in deeper and I was deep enough as it was.

Ava looked at Daisy then at me. "You'll want to run, to keep yourself safe. I know the feeling, we all do. Listen to the voices of experience and move beyond this faster than we did. It's worth it, I promise." I nodded but she got closer. "Seriously, Sadie, it's worth it. I promise," she repeated and I knew she knew that, the way Luke held her that night. And I was glad she had that, she was sweet.

But that was never going to happen for me.

I wanted it, more than anything in the world, to know Hector was putting his arms around me. But he wasn't. There was no "me". He was either putting his arms around "His Sadie", a creature that didn't exist, or his latest conquest.

Simple as that.

These were good women, they'd never been taught that lesson.

And I hoped they never learned.

I pulled in my lips and pretended to think about it.

Then I nodded.

"I don't " Daisy started, staring at me closely.

"Let her alone," Jet cut her off.

"But " Daisy went on.

"Give her time to think," Jet interrupted again and looked at me. "You need to talk, anytime, day, night, whenever, you call one of us. We're here, Sadie. Always."

I pulled my lips in and didn't have to pretend or force the tears that were shining in my eyes at what she said. I was wishing this could be real, could be my life but I knew it couldn't.

Unable to speak, I just nodded again.

"We're done here," Jet told Ava and Daisy.

"We're not done," Daisy pushed.

"We're done," Ava announced firmly.

Daisy dropped my hand but only to cross her arms on her chest.

"I'll be watchin' you," she warned.

I decided to set this firmly aside and go back to the enjoying the drunken portion of the night.

"Okay," I told her like I could care less.

Jet smiled at Ava.

Daisy narrowed her eyes at me.

We heard Stella's voice and I knew the band was going to start again.

"Rock 'n' roll!" I shouted, whirled and used that as my excuse for escape.

I threw open the door, flew out of the restroom, got two steps into the hall and slammed into something solid.

Hands came to my upper arms, I looked up and all my breath left me in a rush.

"Jerry?" I whispered, not believing my eyes or my fucking terrible luck.

I mean, seriously!

Why me?