A MORBID CONSCIENCE

At last my conscience became so morbid that every sermon I heard and every religious book or tract I read was at once compared with my experience to see if I lacked in even the lightest details. I happened to read of one devoted man who literally gave all his possessions to the Lord's work. Immediately I thought of the small amount of money that I had with which to pay my winter's tuition in the university. It was not quite enough to pay all my expenses, and yet when I would decide that I could not give my "all" to the Lord's work, terrible accusations would crush me down until it seemed that my reason itself would become unbalanced. In my despair, I opened up my heart to a trusted friend, and he showed me that this was clearly an accusation from Satan and should be entirely ignored. All these things told sadly on my mental and physical condition, so that when the school year ended and I returned home to my friends, they were very much disappointed in me. Finally they became alarmed at my morbid condition.

OBTAINING RELIEF

Satan at last overdid himself; and by the help of kind friends, I discerned his devices and the extremes to which I had been driven. Once the following lines were quoted to me: "If you want to be distracted, look about you; if you would be miserable, look within; but if you would be happy, look to Jesus." These I shall never forget. A friend also pointed out the fact that I was constantly feeling my spiritual pulse.

He said that this was just as detrimental to my spiritual condition as the constant counting of heart-beats would be to my physical health.

Just as a patient would be likely to imagine himself afflicted with heart-trouble, so the same habit in the spiritual realm would, if continually indulged, prove disastrous to constant peace and victory.

It took some time to throw off entirely the "straight jacket" which had been imposed upon me; but by patient persistence, with G.o.d's grace, I was made an overcomer. I was taught to discern the difference between accusations and the workings of the Spirit of G.o.d. The voice of the accuser is harsh, cruel, nagging, or exacting; G.o.d's Spirit is mild, gentle, and encouraging. When G.o.d's Spirit reveals anything, it is made clear and plain. The accuser bewilders, confuses, and discourages. I also learned that our kind heavenly Father is not watching for an opportunity to cast us off, but rather he is seeking by the wooings of his gentle Spirit to lead us into green pastures and beside the still waters, where we may nourish our souls and become strong to meet the battles and trials of life. He will show us our shortcomings, but not in a way that will discourage or crush us.

Oftentimes while I was under such crushing accusations, the tempter would say, "How can you ever hope to preach the gospel, when you are so unsettled in your own experience?" One day there came to my mind the scripture in Eph. 3:20, which says that he is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we can ask or think. I decided that in some way G.o.d would work out his purpose concerning my life if I would patiently serve him to the best of my knowledge and ability.

INHERITED DISPOSITION TO WORRY

Another lesson I needed to learn was to trust G.o.d with the future. I was naturally inclined to worry. For several generations back my ancestors on one side of my family tree had been given to excessive worry, their condition at times bordering on utter despondency. I was painfully conscious of this inheritance in my const.i.tutional make-up. In my morbid imagination, nearly every threatening trouble was magnified to the proportion of a dreadful disaster. Many an hour, and even days, I wasted in useless worry. Perhaps not one tenth of my gloomy forebodings ever materialized.

FACING A NERVOUS COLLAPSE

In order to teach me more thoroughly the lesson of trust, the Lord permitted me to pa.s.s through a peculiar and severe trial. As I looked forward to the time when I hoped to take up the active work of the ministry, I had a great desire to be at my best in every way. I had hoped to be in good health so that I might be able to bear the strain of the work and to meet every emergency that might arise. But just as I was about ready to enter upon my life's mission, I found my health breaking and myself on the verge of a nervous breakdown. This was indeed a keen disappointment to me. My sufferings at times seemed almost intolerable.

I could not understand it: I longed so much to be of real service to G.o.d and to accomplish what I regarded as my life-work--the ministry.

Although the prospects seemed gloomy and my friends expected a complete breakdown in my health, yet I determined to go forward in the name of the Lord and to do the best I could. I even began to fear that my reason would be dethroned. However, I said nothing about my condition to my congregation, but sought to be a blessing to them in every way. I finally tried to form the habit of beginning each day with a season of thanksgiving for all the blessings I could think of. This proved to be very helpful.

RELIEVED BY HELPING OTHERS

Some days were more trying than others. While pa.s.sing through the severest tests I learned that it was very helpful to look for some other tried or tempted ones and do my best to cheer and comfort them. Just a few doors from where I roomed was a lady past middle age, who had been a sufferer for eleven years. She had been helpless during the greater part of that time. I went to see her often and did what I could to lighten her burdens. She knew nothing of my sufferings, however. She was so grateful for everything I did for her, and the Lord's presence was so real every time I talked or prayed with her that invariably I was abundantly helped in the very efforts put forth to cheer and comfort her. Sometimes my heart carried an almost intolerable burden; but after a call in this home of affliction, my burden would grow light and I would sometimes wonder which had been helped the more, she or I. Also, when I considered what she had endured for so long, I was ashamed to tolerate anything like discontent concerning my own lot, which, though seemingly so hard at times, was so much better and easier, in some respects at least, than hers.

There were times when, to add to my sufferings, Satan would bring against me accusations that I could not have borne without special help from G.o.d. Often the old temptations to doubt my experience of salvation would return with tremendous force, and if I had listened to the enemy's suggestions, I should have cast aside my experience in spite of all that G.o.d had ever done for me. The accuser would sometimes begin by suggesting that I had never been truly sanctified. (I obtained the experience of entire sanctification soon after entering the work of the ministry.) Then the enemy would become more bold and would suggest, "You know that you have often had serious doubts concerning your experience of justification, and after all, perhaps you have never been truly converted."

After annoying and distressing me in this manner, Satan would fling at me such taunts as these: "You are a pretty example of a minister who is supposed to be truly called and qualified of G.o.d to preach his Word."

Many times I would have a conflict like this just before rising to preach. If I had given way to feelings, I would rather have sought some place of quiet seclusion than to have faced the waiting congregation before me. But then the thought would come, "Perhaps in the congregation there are tempted and tried souls who need special help"; and so I would decide to preach, not according to how I felt, but according to actual knowledge of G.o.d's Word, which is ever unchanging. It seemed that whenever I was most severely tried in this manner, I would get the greatest victory and blessing by moving out in the performance of whatever duty confronted me. Indeed, I do not remember a single instance when I failed to preach at the appointed hour on account of the state of my feelings.

I sometimes wondered why the conflict was so long, for I suffered thus month after month. Sometimes I comforted myself with the thought that some day death would bring relief; but I learned at last that G.o.d was only permitting these sufferings in order to refine the gold. My best and most helpful sermons were preached while I was in the very midst of the deepest suffering.

BECOMING RECONCILED

At last I came to realize that it mattered not so much, after all, how much I suffered, just so the people whom I served were helped and blessed; that true blessedness in life does not consist in freedom from suffering, but in accomplishing one's mission in the world according to the divine plan.

CHRIST MORE REAL

Some of my most precious seasons of fellowship with Christ were experienced, when, in the absence of all feeling, except that of severe suffering, I would say by faith alone, "Thou, O Christ, art by my side.

Thou wilt never leave me nor forsake me." At last I accustomed myself to believe his presence was real in spite of my feelings, so that by faith I could almost imagine him at my side. As I walked, it seemed that we kept step together; as I faced my congregations, he stood by my side, unseen of course by physical eyes, but under such circ.u.mstances the natural eyes can not be compared with the spiritual sight for clearness of vision. I then learned what Paul meant to express when he said, "While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal" (2 Cor. 4:18). "Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory" (1 Pet. 1:8).

SOME LESSONS LEARNED

Thus my trials and hardships taught me that a genuine experience of salvation is obtained, as well as maintained, not by working up some great feeling or emotion, but by simple, trusting faith in G.o.d, and implicit obedience to his Word.

I found that our G.o.d is a loving Father and not a hard taskmaster.

"Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him" (Psa. 103:13). Neither does he require us to do anything that is unreasonable. "I beseech you, therefore, brethren, by the mercies of G.o.d, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto G.o.d, which is your reasonable service" (Rom. 12:1).

I also learned that the true test of our Christian experience is not the state of our feelings, but the power to resist temptation, to keep sweet under severe trials, and to manifest the meek and gentle spirit of the Master. I learned, moreover, that the Lord is not anxious to cast us off for every little failure, but is long-suffering and patient with us as long as we have a sincere aim and purpose to please him in all things.

I learned more fully the secret of "casting all my care upon him,"

knowing that "all things work together for good to them that love G.o.d"

(Rom. 8:28).

The last few years of my life have been marked by great victory in my experience. The former trials through which I pa.s.sed have increased my usefulness by helping me to be more unselfish. I wondered at the time why G.o.d permitted such trials and sufferings; but now as I look back upon the past, I see that I could not afford to be without the discipline and training which those severe trials brought to me. In my work as a pastor I am all the more qualified to sympathize with and to help those who are meeting with similar trials and difficulties.

As I remember my own conflicts and trials, I can be more charitable for others.

CONCLUSION

As the Lord turned again the captivity of Job and restored to him his former blessings, so he restored my health in due time, together with great victory along every line. Though I still meet with hard trials and perplexing problems, yet I have learned to take them all to him in simple, trusting faith, fully a.s.sured that he will direct in all things. As already explained, my natural tendency was to worry; yet through G.o.d's grace I have been able to meet some of the most perplexing problems with calmness and even in the face of these things to enjoy refreshing sleep, knowing that "he is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think" (Eph. 3:20).

I have ceased to long for an experience like that of some one else, knowing that G.o.d has given me one that is best for me. Peter and John were both true disciples of our Lord, yet how differently did they manifest outwardly the workings of G.o.d's Spirit within, which is ever the same!

Some years ago I discerned the oneness of G.o.d's people and became fully convinced that the Word of G.o.d should be our guide in all things pertaining to our spiritual welfare; that none of it should be omitted or cast aside. Since that time the light has been constantly increasing, and each succeeding year becomes more blessed in his service. I am learning more and more, as Paul expresses it, that "in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content" (Phil. 4:11). With the past all under the blood, I have no gloomy forebodings concerning the future; "for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day" (2 Tim. 1:12).

The Testimony of a Prisoner

EXPERIENCE NUMBER 3

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and is desperately wicked"

(Jer. 17:9). The truthfulness of this scripture has been verified in my life. For more than twenty years I lived a most shameful life to satisfy the desires of my wicked heart. I have learned that the more a person yields to the sinful desires of the heart, the more wicked he becomes.

Many times during my early school days I yielded to the tempter and played truant and ofttimes concluded that it was too hot to study and yielded to the suggestion to go for a swim in the pond, regardless of consequences. After playing truant the first time, I found a repet.i.tion of the act much easier, until finally my parents became disgusted with me and sent me away to work, and I have worked ever since that time.

While in the coal-mines, I received many hard knocks and b.u.mps, and my education neglected; whereas, had I not yielded to my wilfulness and the deceitful desires of my heart in the beginning, I might have had a splendid education and today be the possessor of a responsible position.

On my fifteenth birthday I took my first drink, yielding to the temptation of taking my dinner-pail and getting ten cents' worth of beer to drink beneath a shady tree. Oh, that G.o.d would have taken me before it ever touched my lips! I am unable to relate all my experiences since I took my first drink, but would say that I have suffered beyond measure and have paid a great price for my folly. It has robbed me of my character, reputation, friends, a beloved wife, and four beautiful children--three boys and a girl--whom I loved more than my own life.

After drink had robbed me of all that was dear to my heart, then the suggestion came for still further destruction by committing suicide. The evil one suggested that as there was nothing left worthy a continuation of my life, it were better to end it all and find sweet rest in the grave. I was cast into prison, and the way before me truly seemed dark.

While I was serving a prison sentence I learned there was help for me through the salvation of Jesus Christ. It was in the Bible that I learned that the Lord would create within me a new heart if I would only let him in, and "old things are pa.s.sed away; behold, all things are become new." I thought that I was too far gone to be forgiven, but the words found in Isa. 1:18 gave me a.s.surance: "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow: though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." These words were to me what a life-preserver is to a drowning person. I grasped them with a trembling heart and found peace to my soul.

Now, instead of destroying my own life by committing suicide and seeking rest in the grave, as Satan had often suggested, I found sweet rest to my soul in turning to Jesus, and the most earnest desire of my heart is to serve him and do that which is pleasing in his sight. Now it is a pleasant pastime, a joy and pleasure, to read the Bible and religious books, tracts, and papers, whereby I can learn more of the beauties of a life of salvation. May G.o.d help sinners everywhere to seek him while he may be found.