In the beginning of my Christian experience I had but to see a truth to feel within a strong drawing to obedience. But now all was different.

The cold facts of my condition were plain to me, but there was no inward force compelling me to act according to the knowledge I had gained. I was tossed about and wished more than I can tell for some inward urging of the Spirit of G.o.d toward the performance of my duty. I did not know the truth that G.o.d accepts the decision of the will as the purpose of the heart. I supposed that no act could be acceptable to G.o.d unless it came from a warm feeling of love. The deadness and the apathy of my heart were sickening. I saw clearly the wretchedness of my condition, but there was no breaking up, no feeling of sorrow, no conviction (as I thought), no love for G.o.d. If I could only have shed some tears; if my soul had only been exercised for its own deliverance! But all within was as still as a stone; only my mind seemed active.

At last, however, I saw that this apparent lack of sorrow was only another step toward the utter repudiation of self. In the past, self had hidden behind my tears, and I had unconsciously trusted in my sorrow instead of in the Lord, thinking that surely because I felt so sorry, I should not repeat the offense. But a feeling of sorrow can not save, as I proved again and again by repeated failures, and so G.o.d, wishing to strip me of anything in which to trust except himself, allowed me not even the satisfaction of tears or a breaking up of heart. He wished to teach me that real repentance is an act of the will and not of the emotions. For a tender heart, one should be grateful, but to trust in that for victory over sin or faults can only lead to repeated failure.

So at last I was willing to submit this point to him who doeth all things well and was willing to cast myself, unworthy, undone, without a vestige of hope in myself, nor a place to set my feet, wholly upon him and to believe that he took me AS I WAS, whether I was able to do or be anything or not, and would begin to work in me his divine will.

LEARNING MY MISTAKES

The same trouble arose about my lack of feeling any love for G.o.d. How could I, who had been the recipient of so many favors from the hand of G.o.d, be so hard-hearted as not to love him! Could I dare come to him or ask anything from him when I did not love him, when I had given so much place to self-love and had been so indifferent concerning the pleasure of my King? How difficult it is to come to G.o.d empty-handed! If only I might have brought at least a little love in my hand to offer him! But no, there seemed to be none; and at last my poor soul came to see and confess that, after all, it was not because of my love to him that he loved me and saved me, but because of his great mercy and love for me.

At length my soul, falling down before him, could cry out in truth,

"Nothing in my hand I bring; Simply to thy cross I cling."

Then he taught me that love does not depend upon emotion; that so far as G.o.d is concerned, it is a free gift to us; that in order for us to enjoy it we must accept it as our own. The acceptance depends upon our will and decision in the matter, and not upon our feelings. To ill.u.s.trate: If a person does much for me that is hard and difficult for him, willingly makes many sacrifices for me, without any hope of reward, I conclude that he loves me far better than the one who does much for me for which he receives or expects remuneration. Nowhere does the Bible command us to =feel= like obeying the Lord; nowhere is it even suggested that we should =feel= like loving him. But we do find that G.o.d's pleasure rests upon those who "=will= do his will" (John 7:17), and we do have this definition of love: "This is the love of G.o.d, that we keep his commandments." Feelings have nothing to do with the keeping of G.o.d's commands. Of course, it is more pleasant to us to do what we feel inclined to do, but it does not necessarily give more pleasure to G.o.d.

If we obey G.o.d because he is G.o.d and because it is right to obey him, we act from pure love, and the pleasure G.o.d feels toward such service will in time be poured out upon the soul in streams of love, and there will be all the feeling desired.

Thus, I saw that if I willed to love G.o.d and acted as nearly as possible as I should act if I felt the glow of his love in my heart, this was more acceptable to him than the same service would be if rendered because my feelings prompted me to do it.

VICTORY OVER ACCUSATIONS

In acting upon this truth, I was often accused of being a hypocrite, because my prayers, my manifestations of love and interest in others, and whatever I did for the Lord, seemed unreal and strained. Here, however, faith came to my rescue, enabling me to say to Satan: "No, I am not a hypocrite. I know that I do not feel like doing what I am doing; I know that I am not getting any particular pleasure out of it. But I do not deserve any pleasure, and I shall continue to do the best I can to prove to G.o.d that I do love him and am trying to give him pleasure.

If he never sees fit to give me back again the joy which I formerly had in his service, that is his business. Mine is to love and serve. Let him do as he will with his own."

It was all very dry and hard at first, for the old doubts about being his when I did not feel his presence, knocked hard for admittance; but I was enabled to meet them always with the same confidence: "I can not doubt that he loves me now, whether I seem to love him or not; for did he not 'love me and give himself for me' when I was not trying to serve him at all? Anyway, my salvation does not depend upon my love for him, but upon his for me. But I WILL love him and prove it by trusting and obeying him. This is all I can do; the rest I leave with him." The test was a long one, and a lesson that I shall not forget.

When, at last, G.o.d saw that I would ask only for ability to satisfy and please him, whether I felt pleased and satisfied or not, there came into my soul gradually light and joy, and oh! such a sweet sense of his presence. Praise his name! The love and other graces I then felt in my soul, I could not boast of, however, for they all came from and belonged to him; and when I was enabled again to bow before him with a sweet sense of love and reverence, I felt that in adoring and loving him, I was not bringing to him something of my own, but only returning to him that which he had given me. I felt as I had not for years that

"The graces within are not mine; For the love and the power and the glory Belong to the Savior divine."

LOCATING MYSELF SPIRITUALLY

One other point of which I must speak in this connection is the difficulty I experienced in endeavoring to locate myself spiritually when in the midst of the confusion I have described. Could I be saved at all when in such a state? Did I need to repent, or only try to do better? Were my careless actions and thoughtless words sins, or only mistakes? Fortunately, I was advised not to try to figure out so carefully what was sin and what was not, but to present to Jesus anything that troubled me, and to trust him implicitly to work in me the victory that I needed. By humbly confessing my weakness and claiming the promise of Phil. 2:13, "For it is G.o.d that worketh in you both to will and to do his good pleasure," I was enabled to gain victory almost immediately over many faults and failures with which I had wrestled long and over which I could never have gotten victory if I had spent my time picking every failure to pieces to find out whether it was something of which I needed to repent as a sin or only a mistake. I felt that G.o.d was pleased to have me humbly confess and trustingly turn over to him for correction any and every error whether it seemed to me serious or not.

It would take too much s.p.a.ce to tell here of all the changes which were wrought in me by these experiences. Suffice it to say that life has been different ever since. Not that I have always felt the Lord just as near, for he has needed to remind me of the lessons I have recorded and to teach me others; but whether he seems near or far, Satan has never succeeded in making me fear and doubt. I have learned that whether G.o.d leads in light or in darkness, he IS leading and I have nothing to fear.

If darkness comes upon me, it is for a purpose, and I can wait patiently upon him until he makes that purpose known. Submissively to wait and patiently to trust in him till he reveals his purposes is my part. His part is to lead and take care of me, and this, I am sure, he will do unto the end. Therefore I have no responsibility except to go on obeying and trusting him. Whatever bothers or troubles me in myself or others I lay at his feet, expecting him to give me victory if the trouble be in myself, or to bring it out in his own good way if it be in others.

And thus my soul has reached and abides in that "wealthy place" where no harm can ever come and where the soul is kept in perfect peace.

Liberated from Faultfinding

EXPERIENCE NUMBER 14

For the glory of G.o.d and the encouragement of others I wish to testify against the evil of faultfinding. Soon after the beginning of my Christian experience, about twelve years ago, I was severely hara.s.sed by this adversary of my soul. So cunningly were my eyes blinded to my real condition that I was almost overwhelmed at times through the workings of this dangerous influence.

At times I would be almost free from it, but very much of the time I seemed to have a peculiar faculty of finding the mote in the eyes of others and was never aware of the beam in my own eye. I could see so much to pick at in some brethren that there was no time left for me to step aside and occasionally take myself into account and see myself as others saw me. I thought I could conduct some affairs over which others had charge, so much better than they were being conducted, that I was at times uncomfortable because I did not have a chance to show what I could do. It is needless to say that during the time that I was a prey to this wicked spirit, I had little, if any, spiritual life; but I tried to convince myself that I was doing quite well. There was, however, a blank or a real lack in my Christian life, because I had not learned to be an ideal Christian in humility before G.o.d and meekness towards my fellow men.

As soon as I pa.s.sed through enough sad experiences to make me the happy possessor of a willing spirit, I began to realize that I was learning the necessary lessons and through these trials and tribulations I began to have a little understanding of the cause and root of my trouble.

There were three happenings that aided in awakening me to my need. The first one was a few years ago, when I received from a brother a letter in which he said, "Brother, you need continuity." That reproof found its place in my heart, and the first seed was sown toward a harvest of willingness. Although it brought no immediate results, yet it stayed by me and was very prominent before me many times.

The second lesson was brought to me through a sermon. The sister who delivered the sermon related the experience of a brother who had years of difficulty in regard to finding fault with others, and who finally concluded that the trouble was more with him than with those he criticized. I began to see my own case a little clearer, but I did not fully learn the lesson until sometime later.

My third lesson came in the following manner: A brother in whom I had some confidence came to my home and asked for a position, which I secured for him. We admitted him into our home for his comfort as well as for our pleasure spiritually, as we supposed he would be a help to us. It was not long, however, until it seemed there was nothing that escaped his faultfinding. He saw mountains of fault with us and our children. At last I saw in his case a picture of what I myself had done during the past, but I had banished from my life all thoughts of ever again being influenced by such a faultfinding spirit. Never before had I been able to see the picture of my former condition as I saw it when fully manifested in the life of this brother.

Although it had been my desire and no doubt his full intention to do what was right, nevertheless this evil habit, if I may call it such, had gained such a foothold in my life and in his life as to be a hindrance to our own spiritual progress and a stumbling-block in the way of others. This habit of faultfinding by those who are claiming to be children of G.o.d has caused them to wander from the true paths of righteousness into forbidden paths, and also to turn many others from the path that leads to everlasting life.

It is with much grat.i.tude to G.o.d that I undertake to tell of my deliverance from that great barrier and hindrance to my spiritual progress. When I came to the point where I humbled my heart before the Lord and let him turn the searchlight upon me, the faults in others were not so great, but mine had seemed to climb mountain high. It was with a determination and positive decision to turn from such things; and the Lord, understanding my intentions in regard to those things, took note of my humility of heart and delivered me, for which I give him all the praise and glory. May the dear Lord help us all to bear with each other, and forbear complaining, even though it may at times seem necessary.

I am sure it will bring about a great measure of the grace of G.o.d.

Help from G.o.d in Fiery Trials

EXPERIENCE NUMBER 15

When I think of the great mercy and love of G.o.d that follows after a soul and remember that he knows all about the thoughts and intents of the heart, truly I stand in awe before him. Since he knows all and has all power, can we not trust him when we give ourselves into his hands to be molded into his image to shine for him?

"Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven, but he that doeth the will of my Father." Every one who will give all into his hands will be brought through the fire, according to Zech. 13:9--"And I will bring a third part through the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried: they shall call on my name, and I will hear them: I will say, It is my people: and they shall say, The Lord is my G.o.d."

In telling some experiences in the furnace-flames, I wish to lose sight of everything except to be a help and encouragement to those who are in trial.

In writing my experience, I shall find it necessary to make mention of some of the sad things concerning my husband, a fact which I very much regret. But I trust that dear souls will take warning and realize that there is no limit to the work of the enemy when once he gains possession. I shall never cease to be thankful for the first copies of a paper called the Gospel Trumpet I ever saw. Through my reading them, conviction was sent to my soul by the Spirit of G.o.d; but being unwilling to meet the necessary conditions, I resisted the convictions and put the papers aside.

Some months afterwards while searching for something, I came across those papers, and immediately that same conviction returned, but again I resisted it. My health failed, and I continued to decline until I was almost in the jaws of death. Physicians could do nothing for me. During this time G.o.d was doing his best to get me to understand that if I would give up he would save and heal me. At last I yielded, and he saved my soul and healed me, and from that day until this, which has been more than eighteen years, I have been fascinated by the charms of a Christian life.

THE BEGINNING OF PERSECUTIONS

For a long time I did not meet with any persecution in my home, as my husband saw the light of the gospel and believed it to be the truth, but was not willing to walk in it. G.o.d followed after him with love and long-suffering. Time after time he resisted the conviction, but finally the Spirit succeeded in breaking up his heart and showed him what he must do to make his wrongs right. He began making a profession of religion, but refused to make all his wrongs right, and in a short time the enemy took possession of him, whereupon he turned against G.o.d and against me, and grew worse and worse.

Now the furnace-flames became hot. He was restless and could not be content to stay anywhere very long at a time, and everywhere we went he set about to turn the people against me by telling untruths to gain sympathy. He was very cruel to the children and me.

After we moved to a small town in northern Kansas, these words came vividly to my mind: "Fear none of those things which shall come upon thee." With the cruelty and persecution came a severe affliction. Two doctors p.r.o.nounced it tuberculosis in the knee-joint. It was so serious that I could not bear to be moved, and when I sat in a rocking-chair I was obliged to have something under the rocker to keep the chair from moving. The thoughts of any one's coming near my knee made the pains go through my limb. At times I was able to walk some on crutches by being careful. My leg was swollen from above the knee down. At night I had to lie upon my back with pillows under my knee, and I could move neither to the right nor to the left, and sometimes just to cough a little caused almost unendurable pain.

All this happened during the months before a baby girl was born. My family and neighbors did not expect me to live, but G.o.d stood by me and gave me this a.s.surance: that as the children of Israel faced the Red Sea with no possible way of crossing, and he divided the waters and let them pa.s.s through, so he would in like manner help me. Oh, it was precious to trust him!

Just about a week before the child was born, the excruciating pain left my knee, but upon my recovery it came back seemingly worse than ever.

About three months later the Lord healed the disease, which has never returned. However, I was left a cripple, and have had to use crutches ever since that time.

At this time I had eight children. Two grown boys had gone from home, leaving me to care for the other six. I had a great desire to rear them for G.o.d. Thus far I had spent most of my Christian life in isolated places, where I was deprived of church privileges. It seemed that all the hosts of darkness were united against my determination to rear my children under Christian influence. Although I had many things to learn regarding how to do this, yet G.o.d was patient in teaching me.

Once when an awful discouragement tried to settle down over me, and it seemed there was no material to work on, I was comforted through the impression that came to me in the words, "G.o.d can take a worm and thresh a mountain," and I have never forgotten these words, the thought of which is expressed by the prophet in Isa. 41:14, 15. I felt that some who opposed me would be glad for me to die so that they could get the children from my influence. Once my husband was threatened with arrest for cruelty, and I feared that my children would be taken from me and placed among my opposers, as one woman had said there were plenty of homes for them. Then the scene of Christ before Pilate came before me and this scripture: "Thou couldest have no power at all against me, except it were given thee from above." At the same time one of the organ-keys was down, and we were unable to repair it; so I said, "We will trust the Lord to fix it." When the above-mentioned scripture came to me, the organ-key raised of its own accord, and I said, "Is there anything like that in the Bible?" and quickly came the answer: "The gate opened of its own accord when Peter went out." Joy filled my soul as I realized that the mighty G.o.d of heaven was my helper.