One of the female oil rig workers, who was very drunk, sized up the two legionnaires and then turned her attention to Spot. "What a darling lizard," she gushed, reaching out to pet the dragon on the snout.

With lightning speed Spot snapped off two of her fingers. The oil rig worker pulled back, screaming, with blood squirting everywhere. One of the ladies drew a pistol, intending to shoot the dragon. Camacho wrestled the pistol from her, knocking the table over. Another lady pulled out a switchblade knife. By now the commotion had attracted the attention of other oil rig workers. They came to the aid of their ladies. Krueger stood in the middle of the confrontation, waving his grenade and warning everyone to stand back.

"That grenade ain't real," said one of the oil rig workers. "Rush him!"

Private Krueger pressed the timer b.u.t.ton on the grenade and tossed it at the feet of the oil rig workers. Everyone dove for cover. Shrapnel from the explosion injured about six oil rig workers. The legionnaires ran out the front door during the chaos. They kept running until they reached the other side of town, where they found another tavern.

Corporal Wayne read the signs in front of the tavern. The place was called the Arthropoda Tavern. Another sign read 'English Spoken Here.' "This looks like a good place," commented Corporal Wayne. "There will be no more fighting and no more grenades. This is a respectable place."

A large spider bouncer met them at the door. He blocked their entry. "There are no lizards and no human pestilence allowed inside," the bouncer announced.

"See?" said Corporal Wayne. "I told you it was a respectable place."

"We are the Legion," slurred Private Krueger. "We will go anywhere we please."

"Do you see that little human pestilence?" asked Corporal Wayne, pointing at Private Krueger. "He is crazy. You don't want to upset him. He just blew up the North Slope Tavern because someone said a lot less to him than what you just said. Call the North Slope if you don't believe me."

The bouncer made some phone calls. The manager soon arrived and greeted them. "Of course we are pleased to have the Legion as our guests," he said. "It's just that spider drinks are much too strong for human consumption. You might be accidentally poisoned, and we want to avoid that kind of scandal. I certainly meant no slight toward the Legion."

"Too strong for humans?" asked Private Krueger, brushing past the manager and seating himself on a bar stool. "I'll take that risk. I heard you bugs like vodka. Bring it on!"

"This might not be such a good idea," advised Private Camacho, as he followed Private Krueger. Looking about, he saw nothing but spider patrons. "This don't look safe."

"Got any music?" asked Tonelli, ignoring the stares. "This place is dead."

"I like it here," said Corporal Wayne, eyeing a gaggle of alluring spider females sitting in the corner.

"You better check Krueger for more grenades," suggested Tonelli. "This is the last tavern we can get kicked out of. There's no more for a thousand miles."

"Krueger will pa.s.s out soon," replied Corporal Wayne, as he approached the females. "The shrimp can't hold his liquor. You baby-sit Krueger. I am going to be busy."

Lieutenant Lopez arrived at the North Slope Tavern to investigate a wild report that Legionnaires had bombed the place. Impossible! The tavern is still here, Impossible! The tavern is still here, he thought. Corporal Ceausescu came along to render first aid if needed. Privates Brown, Scoggins, and Washington came along because they were required to follow Corporal Ceausescu. All were upset because they were beginning to sober up, an unacceptable condition for young legionnaires on a two-day pa.s.s. he thought. Corporal Ceausescu came along to render first aid if needed. Privates Brown, Scoggins, and Washington came along because they were required to follow Corporal Ceausescu. All were upset because they were beginning to sober up, an unacceptable condition for young legionnaires on a two-day pa.s.s.

"It is about time you got here," complained the bartender. "I should have called the sheriff."

"You calling the sheriff's office isn't going to do any good, because we don't have a sheriff yet," explained Lieutenant Lopez. "Are you sure it was legionnaires who damaged your place?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replied the bartender. 'They wore Legion uniforms. How hard can it be to find that motley looking group? Do you realize how much business I lost tonight?"

"I have a better question," said Lieutenant Lopez. "Do you realize how much business you will lose if I drop a two thousand block of cement from s.p.a.ce on to the roof of your tavern?"

"Lots," answered the bartender, meekly.

"Good. Get over whatever happened here tonight or else," ordered Lieutenant Lopez. "I'm sure my legionnaires did not intentionally bomb your tavern. If you ever make that accusation again, you will find out the hard way what it is really like to have the Legion bomb your tavern. Understand?"

"Yes, sir," said the bartender.

Lieutenant Lopez stayed at the North Slope, accepting free drinks for the rest of the night. Corporal Ceausescu led her charges across town in search of another tavern. She didn't like hanging out with Lopez. They found the Arthropoda Tavern. A spider bouncer met them at the door, shrugged, and let the legionnaires enter. By now the band was playing weird spider music. Corporal Ceausescu looked about, sizing up the crowd. The place was busy and full of spiders.

Private Camacho was at the bar. He pointed up, then waved for her to come over. She saw Private Krueger wrapped in a web coc.o.o.n for drunkenness, hanging upside down from the ceiling. Krueger vomited between screams, demanding to be let down. Corporal Wayne was in a corner booth, kissing on four female spiders. Gross! Gross! Corporal Tonelli was on stage playing a saxophone type instrument with the band. His dragon, who also had been drinking vodka, lay under the bar counter. He appeared to be dead. Corporal Ceausescu poked Spot with a pool stick. No response. Then she sat on a stool next to Private Camacho. Corporal Tonelli was on stage playing a saxophone type instrument with the band. His dragon, who also had been drinking vodka, lay under the bar counter. He appeared to be dead. Corporal Ceausescu poked Spot with a pool stick. No response. Then she sat on a stool next to Private Camacho.

"What's with Krueger?" asked Corporal Ceausescu, watching him sway back and forth. "Did he really set off a grenade at the North Slope?"

"Krueger can't handle his liquor," replied Private Camacho, as he placed his hand on Ceausescu's knee. "He gets stupid."

Corporal Ceausescu removed Private Camacho's hand from her leg and ordered beer mixed with vodka. Private Camacho put his hand back on her leg, caressing its full length. Corporal Ceausescu gulped her drink, then reached for her combat knife. She looked Private Camacho in the eyes. "Oh what the h.e.l.l," she said, embracing and kissing him pa.s.sionately. Spiders near them cheered and raised their drinks in a toast.

"Why don't you two get a room?" suggested the bartender, slightly annoyed at such brazen human pestilence behavior.

"You have rooms here?" asked Private Camacho.

"No," replied the bartender. "Most lovers just go up to the roof. It's upstairs."

Ceausescu and Camacho left together. Female spiders approached Privates Washington, Brown, and Scoggins. Washington displayed his wedding rings and was left alone after mild protests. The females loved Private Brown's Legion uniform. Spiders in the Legion was a novel concept for them, and they liked it. Private Brown fell into their arms and was carried away. Soon Private Scoggins wandered off with a couple female spiders too. He was never seen or heard from again.

All leave at Camp Alaska was canceled because of drunk and disorderly complaints. The armored car was repaired, and Lieutenant Lopez was busy checking out its computer systems. Sergeant Green and Corporal Wayne arrived as ordered to a.s.sist.

"I am pleased with your progress, Corporal Wayne," commented Lieutenant Lopez. "You're a born leader and obviously well trained in your past life."

"Thank you, sir," said Corporal Wayne. "I love the Legion life."

"I want you to learn how to run the computer systems for the command car," said Lieutenant Lopez. "You will fly the drone and call in air strikes in case something happens to me or Sergeant Green."

Corporal Wayne leaned over the computer screen. A green glow filled the small s.p.a.ce inside the armored car. Lieutenant Lopez and Sergeant Green stared at Corporal Wayne in disbelief. His face awash in green light, they both recognized General Electric. Lieutenant Lopez drew his pistol. Sergeant Green aimed his a.s.sault rifle.

"What is this?" asked Corporal Wayne. "What did I do?"

"You are an insurgent," accused Lieutenant Lopez, c.o.c.king his pistol. "Admit it!"

"I will not," protested Corporal Wayne. "I was a Special Forces marine sent to a.s.sist the insurgency. But that is over now. I am a loyal legionnaire."

"You deny you are General Electric?" asked Lieutenant Lopez. "I dare you to deny who you are."

"I used to be General Electric," admitted Corporal Wayne. "But now I am a corporal in the Legion. I have a valid enlistment contract."

"Screw your contract!" yelled Lieutenant Lopez, grabbing Corporal Wayne by the collar and shoving him against a bulkhead. "You are an insurgent! You cannot ever be in the Legion!"

"For that small technicality you would force me out of the Legion?" asked Corporal Wayne. "But you had no problem letting Krueger in?"

"I will kill you," said Lieutenant Lopez.

"Kick me out. Kill me. It is all the same," said Corporal Wayne. "If I cannot be in the Legion, I want to die anyway."

"Maybe we should let Captain Czerinski make the call on this one," suggested Sergeant Green. "Catching General Electric is a big deal. He should be interrogated."

"Captain Czerinski would shoot G.E. on the spot without discussion," said Lieutenant Lopez, holstering his pistol. "I'll let you stay in the Legion, for now. Go back to the barracks. Remember, we will be watching you."

CHAPTER 17.

Today I met the new recruits. Lieutenant Lopez advised that several spiders had already distinguished themselves. One spider was even promoted to corporal. As I inspected the troops, I attempted to use the mind reading chip as I pa.s.sed the spiders. I didn't bother with Private Washington because his many psycho thoughts depressed me and gave me headaches. As I read their minds, the spider recruits were all singing inside their heads. If I didn't know better, I would swear they were conspiring to block my mind reading technology. But that would mean the spiders knew about my chip.

I stopped in front of Corporal Wayne. He was larger than the other spider recruits. "Lieutenant Lopez and Sergeant Green say good things about you," I said. "Keep up the good work."

"Thank you," said Corporal Wayne.

His thoughts were singing too. I could hear, My country tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing! My country tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing!

"Stop it," I ordered. "Concentrate on me, not music."

"Yes, sir," said Corporal Wayne. Screw you human pestilence, Screw you human pestilence, he thought to himself. he thought to himself.

"That will be enough of that," I said. "Clean up your mind."

"Sir?" said Corporal Wayne. You can sit on my claw and spin, You can sit on my claw and spin, he thought. Then he began singing in his thoughts again. he thought. Then he began singing in his thoughts again.

"Stop singing," I said. "Do it now!"

Corporal Wayne reached out and s.n.a.t.c.hed my sungla.s.ses. I could no longer understand his thoughts because the translation device was in the sungla.s.ses. All I could hear was hisses and whistles. I tried to grab the sungla.s.ses back, but Corporal Wayne ate them.

"Are you crazy?" yelled Sergeant Green, getting in Corporal Wayne's face. "Why did you eat the captain's sungla.s.ses?"

"Sun stroke," answered Corporal Wayne. "If we spiders stand in the sun too long, our exoskeleton heats up, and we get irrational. Sorry."

"And hungry too?" yelled Sergeant Green.

"Have we met?" I asked, looking closer at the big black spider. My temper was just barely in check.

"Not likely," answered Corporal Wayne.

"You will pay for those sungla.s.ses," I said.

"I have no money on my card," said Corporal Wayne.

"It's a cultural thing," explained Lieutenant Lopez. "Corporal Wayne is one of my better recruits. But being a spider, his behavior is sometimes odd. They are volatile."

"His behavior is unacceptable," I said. "If Wayne was an Arthropodan marine, he would not be allowed to a.s.sault his commanding officer. It's not tolerated in the Legion either."

"We are still adjusting to having more spiders in the Legion," said Lieutenant Lopez. "But sometimes weird s.h.i.t like this happens."

"Private Wayne," I said, as I tore off his rank. "You will wash and wax the armored car all day today. I hear you are already an expert at it. That's good. You might make a career out of it."

"Yes, sir," said Private Wayne.

"Sergeant Green!" I said. "You and a guard detail will stay with Private Wayne until I get back what is left of my sungla.s.ses."

"Sir?" asked Sergeant Green.

"I want my sungla.s.ses back!" I repeated.

Later Guido told me he could not replace the translation device in my sungla.s.ses. Guido informed me his contact in New Memphis had gone out of business and moved. That was okay. I never liked hearing alien voices no one else could hear, anyway. It struck me as being the first step toward insanity. I had the chip surgically removed. I got my sungla.s.ses and translator parts back a day later. The translator was ruined. It got wet.

Lieutenant Lopez, Sergeant Green, and I were in the barracks relaxing and watching satellite TV. Channel Five World News Tonight reporters Brad Jacobs on Mars and Phil Coen were discussing heightened tensions between the United States Galactic Federation and the Arthropodan Empire. Democracy had failed again on Arthropoda, and the spiders were back to their old autocratic ways. The Emperor was upset about all the riches he missed out on when the Empire lost its half of New Colorado.

"Phil, is it not old news that the Emperor wants a share of the riches on New Colorado?" asked Jacobs. "So why are tensions elevated now?"

"Brad, the Emperor actually denies that it is all about oil, gold, and uranium," explained Coen. "The Emperor says he is only upset because Arthropodan soldiers were not repatriated in accordance with the peace treaty. He says many captured soldiers died in custody at the hands of the Legion, and cites the New Disneyland Ma.s.sacre as a prime example of United States Galactic Federation atrocities. The Emperor says many other soldiers are still fighting because they are rightfully afraid to surrender."

"Phil, are we really to believe the Emperor's rhetoric that many Arthropodan soldiers are now fighting with the insurgency because they are afraid to surrender?" asked Jacobs.

"Brad, the Emperor, in a speech before the Arthropodan General a.s.sembly, made just that case when he revealed that Most Wanted insurgent leader General Electric was in fact an officer in the Arthropodan Marine Corps. He said computer facial identification a.n.a.lysis of photographs of General Electric matched their officer reported missing in action along with his whole company of marines."

"Phil, does anyone expect us to believe this rubbish?" asked Jacobs. "It was everyone's understanding that both sides had accounted for all missing soldiers at the time of the last prisoner swap. How can it be that now there is a whole company of spiders missing?"

"Brad, the Emperor is demanding an explanation, too," said Coen. "He wants inspectors to search our detention centers for missing soldiers, and he wants forensic experts to exhume several ma.s.s grave sites to gather DNA data."

"Phil, what is the Foreign Legion's position on these accusations?"

"Brad, I spoke to General Kalipetsis, and he thinks Arthropodan Special Forces have been landing on New Colorado to join, organize, and arm the insurgency," answered Coen. "General Kalipetsis calls the Emperor a lying sack of s.h.i.t."

"He doesn't hold back, does he?"

"No, Brad."

"Phil, wouldn't that be an act of war?" asked Jacobs. "Does General Kalipetsis have any proof of Arthropodan adventurism and support for the terrorists?"

"Brad, General Kalipetsis says he has circ.u.mstantial evidence, but the specifics are cla.s.sified top secret for now. My sources say the Legion recently destroyed an Arthropodan Special Forces supply ship in orbit around New Colorado after the spider ship attacked the starship T. Roosevelt. Also, Legion warships may have damaged an Arthropodan Special Forces troop shuttle that may have crashed somewhere near Finisterra."

"Phil, there have been other rumors of the Arthropodan Fleet violating United States Galactic Federation s.p.a.ce," said Jacobs. "What have you heard?"

"Brad, my sources say an Arthropodan fleet may be ma.s.sing just inside spider s.p.a.ce," said Coen. "It is reported that the Emperor is contemplating sending the Fleet on a peaceful mission to protect Arthropodan citizens and soldiers still on New Colorado."

"Phil, would our defense forces consider the invasion of our s.p.a.ce at New Colorado a peaceful act or a provocation?"