"If you don't mind," he said, in perfect mildness, "I'll get what I need from the toolshed."

"I don't mind."

When Levi returned to the basement, Danny came with him. Levi worked a full hour on the stove while Rebecca's brothers watched. He explained his repairs to both Max and Danny, so they could fix it next time. Rebecca could tell the minute he lit the fire in the repaired stove. The house warmed up immediately.

Then, true to form, Levi slipped outside and spent another hour in the cold, chopping wood. Rebecca kept to the kitchen as her brothers paraded through the back door and down the steps, their arms laden with logs. Max and Danny hauled enough wood into the basement to last the rest of the winter.

When he finished, Levi tapped on the back door. Rebecca ushered him into the warm kitchen.

"I'd better get to the shop," he said, wiping drops of sweat from his face. "Nathaniel is back from Ohio, and he'll wonder why I am late on his first day home."

Rebecca heard Mamm shuffle in from the front room. She put her arm around Rebecca's waist. "Levi, you are a blessing to us. My husband will know how kind you have been. Thank you."

Levi frowned and hung his head. "I hope your husband knows that I mean no disrespect by coming here. He forbade me from working on the farm until I am baptized. I want to honor his wishes. Hopefully he will understand that today was an emergency."

Rebecca didn't know what to say. Why did he have to be so perfect? Perfect except for that one glaring flaw that made him impossible to love.

"Oh, posh!" Mamm said. "My husband will sing your praises to the sky when he finds out."

"I will stop by tonight to make sure it's still working," Levi said.

"No need," Rebecca said. "We will be fine."

She might as well have told him that his entire family was dead. The hurt flashed in his eyes before his expression went hard. "Okay, then. I'm glad I could help." Giving her one last glance, he put on his hat and walked out the back door.

Mamm squeezed her closer. "He doesn't deserve that, Rebecca."

"We don't need him, Mamm."

"Only if we want to freeze to death."

Rebecca put her arm around her mamm and led her back to the front room. "It was nice of him to come," she admitted.

"He sacrificed two hours of wages, and he deserves a little kindness from you," Mamm said.

"Dottie Mae is dead because of him."

Mamm furrowed her brow and studied Rebecca's face with concern. "Cannot you offer forgiveness to the poor boy?"

"Let him bring Dottie Mae back, and then I will forgive him."

Mamm lowered herself to the sofa and pulled Rebecca with her. "This bitterness is making you miserable."

Rebecca frowned. "Why does everyone think I am so unhappy?"

Kate and Miriam had noticed at the wedding. Frieda Yoder thought she looked pale, and even Marvin had asked her doubtfully if she was having a good time.

She should have done a better job of burying her feelings. Mamm couldn't help her, and no one could possibly understand her pain. Her world had gone cold and dark, like a barren, rocky wasteland never touched by the sun. She was convinced that if she sat perfectly still, she would freeze to death.

She wanted to remember the sunlight-to close her eyes and soak up the warmth on her face.

Then, as quickly as the thought came, she chided herself for giving in to weakness. The summer heat would never lull her into complacency again. Levi had burst into her life like a brilliant star, warming everything he touched with the gift of spring. But those who played with fire got burned. Better to stay in her icy cocoon than be consumed by the heat.

"Do I give you reason to believe that I am unhappy, Mamm? Do I mope around the house, crying my eyes out?"

"You never cry. I haven't seen you cry since Dottie Mae's funeral."

Of course not. Those tears didn't bring Dottie Mae back. "Crying is a luxury."

"Crying means you're not afraid to show your heart."

"I'm not afraid of anything."

"Nae, you are always so brave." The familiar look of resignation flitted across Mamm's face. She sighed and looked out the window. "I think the house is warm enough now. Will you take me back to bed?"

Chapter Thirty-Five.

Luke Miller-no relation to Rebecca-slapped his knee and abruptly stood up. "The whistling must stop."

"Ach, was I doing it again?" Nathaniel said, scratching his chin and fingering the short whiskers of his new beard. "Sorry."

Luke curled his lips into a pained grimace. "I hoped that once you got married, you'd give up the constant cheerfulness."

"He's only been back a week," Zeke said.

"The cheerfulness will never be over," Nathaniel replied, grinning like a fool.

"The whistling had better cease soon, or you will have to cart me off to an institution," Luke said.

Levi looked up in curious amusement. Luke found something to complain about almost every day at work. If it wasn't Nathaniel's whistling, it was Zeke's tracking mud on the floor with his boots or Adam's walking in and out and letting all the warm air escape the shop.

"Bring some earplugs next time," Zeke said. "It's his place. The man can whistle if he wants to."

While he finished tightening the screws on the cabinet door, Levi thought of Nathaniel and wondered if he himself would ever be that happy. It all depended on Rebecca, and that prospect looked bleaker and bleaker with each passing day.

Nathaniel looked Levi's way, smiled, and shrugged. Not even Luke's sour disposition could mar Nathaniel's perfect bliss.

He came over to inspect Levi's work. "Have a problem?" he said.

"The last of the screws is in."

"You look as if you needed some help," Nathaniel said.

"Nae, it's ready to finish up."

Nathaniel slapped his forehead. "Ach, I forgot about you and Kate's cousin. Some friend I am."

"You've been preoccupied."

"I should never be that preoccupied." Nathaniel pulled two chairs together and invited Levi to sit. "I don't mean to offend you, but you look miserable. Is this for Kate's cousin?"

Levi couldn't answer. For some reason, his throat chose that very moment to tighten up.

"How are you adjusting to Amish life?"

"It is harder than I thought. I feel like I'm back in first grade, asking for help because I don't even know how to tie my shoes."

"I thought you could fix anything."

"I can usually figure out mechanical things, but I have yet to grasp the details of being Amish, like where to buy propane or who to call for a ride or how to butcher a pig. Those are beyond my abilities."

"No one minds lending a hand," Nathaniel said.

"I know, but I hate to impose like that. I want to be able to take care of myself and my mom, not depend on people who are already busy enough with their own lives."

"The Englisch are busy. The Amish don't look at life that way. Your work is my work," Nathaniel said.

Levi shook his head and frowned. "I wish I didn't need the help, that's all."

"Did your mamm find a job?"

"Jah, no problem there. There's a lady in Patton who needs twenty-four-hour care in her home. It's the closest thing to nursing Mom can do without being a nurse. The pay is good. Not as good as a nurse, but okay. We're saving up for a house."

"Am I paying you enough?"

"You are very generous," Levi said. "Living is a lot cheaper with no car or cell phone to pay for. And I have a second job on Saturdays. We manage okay."

"Another job?"

"I take the bus into town early on Saturdays to repair bikes and come back late on Saturday night. I get almost twelve hours in."

Nathaniel wrinkled his forehead. "We'll have to see what we can do about that. You'll wear yourself down to a stub." He smiled. "What about friends? Are you making any friends?"

"Counting you," Levi said, pretending to make a tally in his head and on his fingers, "I have one friend."

Nathaniel laughed. "It will come with time."

"I'm an outsider. And most of the guys are siding with Marvin Yutzy."

Nathaniel put a hand on Levi's shoulder. "Tell me about you and Rebecca Miller."

Levi's tears sprang up like dandelions. Why did he have to break down the minute someone showed him a little kindness?

Nathaniel pulled him out of the chair and steered him to a door at the back of the workshop. "We need a little privacy."

Levi numbly followed Nathaniel's lead into a smaller workshop. He sat on the chair offered him while Nathaniel lit a propane lamp. The room was not dark, but the lamp brightened it considerably.

"I'm very discouraged," Levi said.

"Anybody not preoccupied with a new wife can see that," Nathaniel said.

"We started dating last summer. I don't know what I was thinking at first. I guess I felt sorry for her." Levi folded his arms around his chest to try to keep the pain at bay. "No, that's not it. I wanted to know her better."

"Rebecca most certainly has a mind of her own, but I admit, I'm surprised she agreed to go with you. We're wary of outsiders."

"She wanted to do some non-typical Amish things, and she needed an Englischer to help her do them. I was her only option." Levi took a deep breath. That's all he was to her-a means to an end. How had he been so blind?

Love is blind.

"And now you love her," Nathaniel said, his voice thick with compassion.

"I love her." Levi pressed his hands over his eyes and wiped away all the offending tears.

"Does she love you?"

"Five years ago I was in an accident-"

"Jah," said Nathaniel quietly. "We all know about that."

"Another reason I don't have any friends."

To Levi's surprise, Nathaniel grabbed his shoulders. "No, no, Levi. Never believe that. The Wengerds have forgiven you. We have all forgiven you. You must know that."

"Rebecca hasn't. I love her, and she hates the very sight of me."

"Have you talked to her about it?"

"She says she wishes I had died instead of Dottie Mae." Levi's voice shook, but he pinched his arm to keep the tears from multiplying.

Nathaniel rubbed his whiskers. "She was Dottie Mae's best friend."

"One of the reasons I joined the community is because I want to marry her."

"That is real love, I think," Nathaniel said. "You are giving up a lot for her."

"I'd give so much more...if she'd only forgive me."

"I think we cannot ask for forgiveness unless we have forgiven. Have you forgiven yourself?"

"The memory still brings me to my knees," Levi said. "But, yes, I have forgiven myself. The Lord has taken away my guilt."